Trash Panda Translator 6
The Lady Ella seemed sad by the time they had gotten home. He despised his cur of a twin, but Lucifer had arranged for a steed or what the Lady Ella called a car to bring them home. All Michael knew was that the car didn't need any horses or mules to pull it and went very fast. The same barkeep who had introduced him to the delight of potato skins and helped with his toys had driven them. He had also, emphatically, told the good Lady to "lose his number" after they'd been dropped off. The Lady Ella had laughed then and said she wouldn't let Lucifer order him around like that but that, you know, Michael was perfectly toilet trained.
He had sniffed a lot at that.
Of course!
He knew exactly how to use a privy. What did they take him for? A common beast of the field. He had some standards…although he was still confused with an outhouse based in water. He might have to press the handle more, watch how the water swirled to figure it all out. Yes, he could do that.
Maybe the Lady Ella would be proud of him. She said she was a researcher, and he would investigate but later. Now that they were back at the Lady's and on her divan, Michael…he wanted to make her seem less sad.
He sat next to her and set a paw-which he was kind of getting used to-and tried to be as friendly as he could. "M'Lady, did the Devil hurt you?"
She shook her head and rubbed at her eyes. "Oh, no. Not exactly."
He bared his little teeth and reached for his sword. "That is not okay. I gave you my word that I would make the Devil pay! My twin had no right to insult you or hurt you, Lady Ella."
She sniffled and shook her head. "No, I just…no one told me anything. I didn't know for years and years, and I get that weird stuff happens. I get that apparently it's really dangerous if you, St. Michael, got turned into a raccoon because your dad got mad. I know they think they were protecting me, but they lied, and it hurts."
Michael sighed, his little whiskers twitching. "May I sit in your lap?"
She nodded and set a pillow there first. Michael climbed up, appreciating that he could see her eyes a bit better with the pillow under him. "Why?"
"Because you are sad, and you deserve to not be. You are, it seems, not a witch."
"Dude, I explained about the TV and the internet-"
"No, but you are very kind, and you should not be upset, ever, M'Lady. I am sorry that my brothers deceived you, but and I do not wish to give Lucifer credit, but it is true. We angels are told not to reveal ourselves to mortals if we can avoid it. It is not good for them, and they probably wanted to keep you safe from demons-other than Mazikeen-and any dangers that targeted them as well. I suspect any friends you have who do know…the have had a hard time of it."
"But they needed to trust me."
Michael nodded. "I trust you. You saved my life and my ear. As the Sword of God, Great Judge, Head of His Legions, Defender of the Church, and Angel of Fear, I pledge fealty to you. You are very kind."
"I'm not that great, dude."
He quirked his head at her and twitched his good ear. "I do not know, but I do think I was in that dumpster for a while. I do not remember everything. I barely remember anything but the tavern wenches and they were…" He coughed a bit. "…but I have a flash here or there of the room with many humans and lots of glass walls and of my brothers' wings. I know there was a fight even if Lucifer had not told you of it. I just…I know there was more. That I have wandered a while in this form, but it is murky. Still, I was in that dumpster for a while, trying to survive with that foul Beast-"
"King Kong," she said, stroking his back.
"Yes! Exactly. And many humans dumped trash and saw us, saw me all starving and tired and…I wasn't scared."
She nodded. "Oh no, Sir Knight, I am sure you were the bravest."
"I am!"
"Of course."
"But you were the only human living here who helped me, and I was very needy."
"Were?"
"This is a setback," he said again, gesturing to himself with his good front paw. "But you are very nice, Lady Ella. Truly kind and selfless, and I think…even if I despise Lucifer…that even he wanted to spare you from pain." He sighed and his little shoulders fell. "Being an angel is about pain and war and serving what Father wants when He wants it. It is about punishment when we fail, and that even the Devil knows well." He shook his head. "Actually, Lucifer knows that better than any of us."
"Because your dad exiled him."
"He did, but Lucifer did many bad things. He led a Rebellion, so he earned it."
The Lady frowned. "Did you earn this?"
"I do not…I do not know," he replied honestly. "I cannot remember. Did Lucifer know?"
"He said you did some crappy stuff and went after a lot of us…well his friends who did know," she admitted. "I don't think you tried to kill anyone. Dude, if you had, even then I know Lucifer wouldn't have let you into his penthouse."
"We do not kill humans. Father forbids it. I would never disobey like that."
"Would you pick a fight with Amenadiel and Lucifer at the same time?"
"Amenadiel despises Lucifer more than I do. He's the First Born and he must check the gates when Lucifer takes sojourns to earth for pleasure."
Ella rolled her eyes. "Gross. So gross, but here and now, he and Amenadiel are friends. And they both work well together. I…this must be so confusing if you don't remember the last thousand years."
"I do not, but I fear whyever I was enraged and whatever I have done recently, then it was very bad. Yes, Father is mad because I am like this. But I…" his muzzle wibbled. "I apologize, My Lady, but I simply do not remember."
She surprised him by hugging him tight. "And I'm sad, mapache, because Lucifer said he wouldn't help you. We're going to talk to Amenadiel tomorrow, but this you…the fuzzy you…is nice to me."
"Of course! You are a valiant lady. I would defend your honor."
"From vacuum cleaners."
"Yes, well, I would like to keep my steed."
She laughed but kept hugging him. "Nice try, little guy, but those Roomba things are like 800 bucks. Lucifer has buckets of money, but we'll have to find you a different uh noble steed."
"I am very talented at riding that foul Roomba, however."
"Yes, well, I got a bunch of pics of Luce's face. That was pretty priceless."
"Yes, surprising the Devil is not hard. I am the smarter twin."
Ella winked at him. "Dude, lately, maybe that's true. Clearly, Lucifer never trusted me."
"I think he just worried about you. I am not one to admit to any good qualities in my twin, not since the Fall, but you should never be hurt. That would be an affront to all that is good."
She rubbed at her neck and he noticed it, though didn't ask why. Not yet. "Then man, you should give the universe a memo on that. I could use the break."
"I do not know what a memo is, and the universe is controlled by Father. If I am restored to His good graces, then I will tell Him myself that you deserve all the finery in life and the afterlife, M'Lady. The Sword of God is on your side."
She looked at him and he noticed her giggle a bit at the sword-tiny though it was; it was effective-and then she patted his head. "True, and it's nice that you are, but I want to help you. I promise I would, and you are in trouble."
"My ear has been reattached. I'm doing all right."
She sniffled and kissed the top of his head. He chirped happily at that. "But if Amenadiel refuses to help, then I don't know how to get your dad to answer me, not directly."
"You will figure it out."
"How can you know?" she asked.
"Because you are smart, Lady Ella, and you are special. You can hear me, and even other angels cannot. I think you are supposed to aid me in my journey."
"Really?"
He nodded. "Yes, perhaps you are Chosen to help the Prince of Heaven." He sat up tall and chittered at her, his tail poofing up large. "You should be so honored!"
She laughed and made the magical flat box turn on again. Music flared and a bright sun over a lush landscape came to life. The music that came from the box was like nothing Michael had ever heard, the closest had been when getting as far as Morocco during the Crusades, the heavily bass driven chants.
"Maybe we can just crash and watch some Disney, dude."
"What is a Disney?"
"I have a feeling you'll like it. Now, are we watching The Lion King or are we watching The Lion King?"
"Those are the same option."
"Shh, Lord Fuzzy Britches, you're gonna love this."
"Hey! Linda," Ella said as the psychiatrist opened the door. "is Amenadiel in. I have a problem."
Linda had Charlie on her hip, and he was getting so big so fast. Linda was on of Ella's few friends who was actually shorter than she was (total ego boost to hang then), and it wouldn't be long before the angel-baby (so weird to think of it) was too heavy for Linda to handle like that. However, it wasn't Ella that Linda's eagle-eyed focus was planted on.
It was Michael.
"Lucifer called me last night, and he came over for an emergency session. I know what that is."
Michael, who today was in a Timon and Pumba onesie because he had just loved the Lion King and had been singing "Hakua Matata" all day, bowed low and then stood up to face her. "Yes, you are the Healer Linda Martin. I have heard much about you and about how you are a mother of an angel."
Ella tried not to laugh at the chivalry of her raccoon compatriot. It was a very gentlemanly gesture, but it didn't really translate well from a raccoon dressed more like a toddler than Charlie was. "He says he has heard a lot about you as a healer, Linda, and he would like to say he's sorry."
Michael tugged on the hem of her t-shirt. Today, it was a grey cat lounging on a pillow with headphone on with the caption Murder Podcasts and Chill, which honestly summed her up better than almost anything. Sighing, Ella looked down at Michael.
"What dude?"
"I did not mention I was sorry. Have I wronged the good Healer? That would be quite an affront?"
"Oh!" She turned to Linda. "Can we come in. He's very well behaved and he doesn't bite."
"Oh never! Well…maybe Lucifer," Michael chittered.
Linda sighed and stepped back. "If you do anything, Michael, I'll have Amenadiel throw you out the minute he's back from grocery shopping. You hear me?"
Michael nodded and bowed again before scurrying through the door on four feet. "These are acceptable terms, Healer Martin."
"He said he understands," Ella replied. She noted that Linda settled Charlie in his activity station and then settled the infant next to her before sitting down on the sofa. Ella took her seat on the opposite side. "Michael, do you want to go explore the backyard? It might have threats at the perimeter?"
He nodded and his tail poofed up. "This is true. One never knows which curs or enemies are at the gates."
Right.
Ella smiled at Linda. "Can you open the sliding glass door for him? Sometimes it's easier to explain things when I don't have to translate too."
Linda was clearly pissed, but she was, of course, very good at hiding her emotions. It was just that Ella had known her long enough to know when Linda pressed her lips together that hard the psychiatrist was trying really, really hard not to explode. To be fair, Ella got this whole thing had to be a mind fuck.
However, the doctor walked with Michael to a French door near the back of her kitchen and opened it enough to let him slide through. But she didn't let him slip out without one more warning:
"If you do anything to my son, I will make you into a Davey Crockett hat. Do you understand?"
"I do not know Davey Crockett, but I would never harm a pup, erm, a child, Healer Martin." He bowed again to emphasize his point and then darted into the yard with his tiny cocktail sword held high.
Linda grabbed a bottle of wine and some glasses on her return from the kitchen, and honestly, Ella figured eleven a.m. was close enough when they were dealing with angels and animal curses from the Almighty.
"Do you want some merlot?"
"God, yes," Ella said, accepting the glass. "And Michael said he didn't know who Davey Crockett is but he'd never hurt a child."
"Well, then this Michael is nothing like the one I met, the one who implied to Amenadiel he'd given Charlie a cold and mocked him for being half mortal and apparently vulnerable like we all are."
Ella swallowed a gulp of wine at that, ignoring the bitterness. It was probably in her imagination anyway. "Oh. Yeah, Michael…well, he doesn't remember anything since the Crusades. He's not…he's got a mix of pretty bad memory issues and a bit of what I'd call, uh, raccoon brain. He's sometimes pretty normal but also, yeah, he's definitely very much a raccoon."
"Well, I doubted the Michael I met would have worn child's clothes or decided to run off to play in the backyard, no," Linda conceded, taking a sip of her own drink.
Ella nodded. "He's on patrol."
"What?"
"He said he wanted to make sure there were no enemies or dogs or anything scary that might hurt Charlie."
"He hates Charlie."
"Well, this Michael says what he means. Trust me…he's not good at lying at all. So, he means he's gonna go try and 'hunt' for scary things then he thinks he's gonna do that." She shrugged. "I think being a raccoon is kind of messing with him."
"Well, maybe he shouldn't have threatened a child and started things against his brothers."
She sighed. "I know, but he doesn't remember, and if you spoke to Luce, then you know that Lucifer even believes me"
Linda couldn't help but chuckle at that. "Well, yes, I did hear about the Roomba incident. I believe that this Michael doesn't know what's going on. No one would do that as an act. Honestly, Ella, losing that much of a memory chunk, which for an angel is like a year of time really cause what's a thousand years to billions." She laughed, and it was a bit shrill. Then, Linda sipped again. "Sorry, sometimes I try not to dwell on God being my father-in-law basically or having an angel baby. It's a lot. But in a human, I'd say some of this is a symptom of a conversion disorder, this retrograde amnesia? I think part of it would be a trauma response. That something so terrible happened that Michael can't deal with it."
"So, he's doing this to himself?"
"Not the raccoon part and you said his vulnerable?"
She nodded. "Ooh can you check his ear while we're here? I stitched it up as best I could, but I just wanna make sure it's healing okay."
"He lost his ear?"
"Part of it. One of the bigger dumpster raccoons attacked him."
Linda sighed and set her wine down. Beside her, Charlie was, ahem, being a perfect angel and chewing on a ring of fake, plastic keys. "He really isn't the Michael who came to town months ago, is he?"
"No, and he's hurt and vulnerable. And he has done a lot of crappy things, apparently, but he doesn't deserve this. At least let him get his body back and maybe he'll be less loopy? I dunno," Ella said.
"I know, but Michael was-"
"Yeah Lucifer warned me, but this Michael is really nice to me and he's trying and he's, okay, super confused. Today he tried to stab my toaster with a cocktail sword cause he thought it was 'cursed' when the toast popped up."
Linda laughed and even Charlie gave a happy burble. "Oh, well that's different."
Before Ella could reply, Michael returned and this time, he had clearly upgraded his "sword." Instead, he carried one, bright neon blue pool noodle over his shoulder as he marched as best as he could to them both. He gave a deep bow to her and then a second to Linda.
"The perimeter is clear, M'ladies. Pup patrol is going well."
Ella laughed. "You are doing very well at 'Pup Patrol,' Sir Knight. I am sure we're grateful."
Linda sighed. "You're looking for danger?"
"Yes! One can never be too careful with pups. They are the most valuable of resources, the most valuable beings we have responsibility over."
Ella frowned, and it made sense she'd never heard him speak like that before. She didn't have any kids and her entire complex didn't really have them either. "He says that he has to be careful over kids, well, he keeps saying 'pups' because they're so valuable." Ella nodded to him. "I think you did a good job, mapache. You can be off duty for now."
Michael nodded eagerly; set down his, ahem, sword; and then made a beeline for Charlie's toy basket.
"That's…oh I see what you mean about 'raccoon brain,'" Linda said. "His father clearly made him a vulnerable raccoon physically, but I wouldn't be surprised if the memory loss and, honestly, the reversion to more childish behaviors was in part psychosomatic. Angels are especially vulnerable to their own perceptions and thoughts, very literal mind-over-matter where their subconscious is concerned."
Ella frowned. "Really?"
"Yes, but he's…oh!" Linda couldn't help but chuckle as Michael pulled out a jack in the box. "He's definitely dexterous, isn't he?"
Michael collected up the jack in the box as well as a few other toys and brough them to Charlie's activity station. The nephil baby clapped and cooed at his uh uncle. However, even as Michael brought him a small, soft rabbit toy along with the jack in the box and a rattle, Charlie was only interested in Michael. Reaching out, the angel baby patted Michael's snout and then laughed.
Michael, as Ella had promised, was perfectly patient with his nephew, even leaning closer so that Charlie could continue to stroke his snout more easily.
"Sawwww," Charlie cooed.
Linda nodded back. "Yes, soft."
Ella wasn't sure that's exactly what Charlie had said, but he was babbling at his uncle and it was about the cutest thing she'd ever seen. They needed this for posterity. She took her phone out and started taking pictures, even tagging one to "Rascal the Raccoon's" Wobbletube page. One tiny video couldn't hurt either.
When Michael was normal again, he'd find it amusing.
Probably.
"Yes, Squire Charlie, we are friends," Michael said. "Actually, we are both fellow angels, though you are very small. This is okay; I will train you as a swordsman too. I was always better than the First Born anyway."
Ella chuckled. "He says he'll train Charlie when he's bigger-Charlie I mean-to be a swordsman. Apparently, Michael is better than Amenadiel at it."
Linda rolled her eyes. "Great, they can all compete with that angelic ego problem they all have. Guess they get it from their dad."
"Have you met God?"
She nodded. "Yup, and He's…a lot. He pops in every so often to spoil Charlie for a few hours, but He's very condescending. Not to me, but to Amenadiel. I…Amenadiel just takes it."
"Does their dad visit Lucifer?"
"No, that didn't…He tried it once and it didn't take. Lucifer won't see him after this intense family dinner the four of us had and…even I am not a good enough therapist to try and fix First Family messed up dynamics."
She frowned even as Charlie and Michael started jingling the plastic keys back and forth at each other. "Do you think even if we spoke to their dad, that He'd fix Michael?"
"I doubt it but you can try," Linda said.
"Try what?" Amenadiel asked as he stepped through the door.
Ella gaped, her mouth hung wide when Michael picked up his pool noodle, draped it back over his shoulder like a rifle or some other weapon held at rest on his back, and marched up to his brother. He, per usual, gave a bow, and then started to offload a report not just on Pup Patrol but also on any perceived weaknesses in Healer Martin's fence.
"This is? Luci said that Michael was a raccoon, but I almost didn't believe it," Amenadiel replied, stepping around his brother and going to the kitchen island to set down his packages. "This is surreal."
Michael followed him, "sword" in hand and still chittering away about his plans to up Pup security. "It is a set back! I keep telling everyone that. I am still His Sword."
"He is trying to uh help?" Ella offered. "He's decided to offer a free patrol of the backyard, well he did already, and Michael has some ideas about how to secure the perimeter I guess? I don't know all the military terms but he's chittering about a lot of them."
"This is very important, Lady Ella! We must keep Charlie safe!" Michael insisted.
Linda frowned because until now, neither of them had heard not just urgency in Michael's talk about protecting Charlie but also a tinge of actual fear. It wasn't that Linda understood exactly what Michael was saying but the intensity and higher pitch of his chittering was…it was very emotional.
Ella stood and walked over to the island. She knelt down to Michael's level. "Are you okay?"
He wobbled his muzzle back up at her. "I…I do not know. I just am very concerned about Charlie, about Charlie being safe. I…it is very important, but I am not sure why I feel as strongly about this as I do. But Pups…Pups should be safe."
Ella nodded and offered her arms out. Michael dropped his pool noodled and let her pick him up and settle him on her hip. He curled up a bit against her, whiskers still twitching, something upsetting him, and she hated that he didn't even know what. Perhaps it was a memory. Perhaps it had just been too many visits for him. She wasn't sure.
"Sorry, he's a little overwhelmed. He just…kids should be safe; he was trying to help."
Amenadiel looked to Linda and then back at them. "Brother, I am…hesitant to help you after what happened, but if Luci thinks you've changed and seeing you right now. I think you probably have or at least are changed for now."
"I think he might also be repressing his memories, even if he doesn't mean to," Linda offered.
Amenadiel frowned. "Though, now that Luci mentioned he couldn't quite remember the whole precinct fight. I…I know how it started and I remember Dad doing the time out and fixing time. I remember him taking Michael away for punishment. But, I have gaps too. So not everything missing for Michael is just him if any of it is. Dad definitely took chunks from all three of us, but I don't know why He would."
"Me either," Michael chittered. "But I barely remember anything. Just a room with humans and glass walls and Maze and you two were there. Then it is gone."
Ella relayed that to everyone else. "Can you ask your dad for help? Michael has done some bad stuff, got that much from all of you, but this isn't fair. He needs to at least plead his case to your dad so he can be angelish again."
Michael glared up at her. "Lady Ella, I am an angel. Set me down please!"
She did, albeit reluctantly, and he let his wings flare out just to show them all. He stood proudly and flapped them behind him.
"I am an angel!"
Ella nodded and wiped at a small tear. "I'm sorry, mapache. Michael, you're definitely an angel."
There was a second flutter of feathers and she looked to Amenadiel, assuming that he had let his out too but they weren't there. It was then that Linda gasped and all of them turned to see Charlie-feathers a smoky, charcoal grey and about as small as Michael's were currently-with his wings sprouted out.
Amenadiel rushed over so fast to hug his son that Ella was gaping at all of it. Linda was awed but didn't seem quite as thrilled.
"Wait so this doesn't like happen all the time?"
"He's supposed to be mortal," Linda said. "God said that-"
"Charlie! I knew you could do it!" Amenadiel said, hugging his son and fawning over the, okay, cutest pair of wings Ella had ever seen.
Michael flapped his little set and got airborne, fluttering over to watch everything over Amenadiel's shoulder and near eye level to his brother. "He merely needed to see a superior set."
Amenadiel rolled his eyes at the chittering. It somehow sounded sarcastic in tone even if Ella mostly said a quick version of "See one more extra example helped for motivation."
Amenadiel looked like he was almost going to cry; clearly, he was that happy. "This is amazing. I…Michael, I'll try. I'll try and get you an audience with Father. It might take time, but you clearly did help Charlie today…somehow."
"Yes and I can come by in the interim to patrol for the pup!" Michael said, his tail flaring out behind him.
Ella laughed. "Well, we'll take it. He'll be able to come over in the mean time and do more, uh, Pup Patrol."
"Haha, he's kidding right?" Linda asked.
Michael landed by Charlie's activity center and bowed. "Oh no, Healer Martin. I offer my services for protecting your angel. Of course, I do."
Then, he went to work playing with the toys he'd brought over. Raccoon brain again.
Ella laughed and, despite everything, reached out to touch the ridiculously soft, downy feather of Charlie's wings. She knew enough from having had Margaret for a while to know that these feathers wouldn't support his weight yet, but they were lovely.
"He's definitely aiming to be a regular daily fixture here. He promises he can protect Charlie, like nephil secret service."
Linda grabbed her glass of merlot and drained it. "We'll negotiate, and only if you're here too and-"
Michael chittered loudly then, grabbed his noodle and thunked it hard on the now open jack in the box. "En guarde, foul demon! You have tricked me! But you will not trick my nephew!"
Ella burst out laughing and even Charlie clapped. "Okay, well, maybe we need to teach him first what's actually a threat."
Michael continued to bap the poor jack and the box with the noodle till Linda took it from him. "It is clearly bewitched!"
"Michael…do you want to go back to the yard again?" Linda offered. "I think we need a break from uh so much helping."
Michael nodded and hurried to the still open French doors. "Good idea, Healer Martin. I shall not rest until Charlie is safe."
With that, the Sword of God went back to thoroughly investigate a well-manicured backyard and Spanish tile-adorned pool in Beverly Hills. You know, for demons.
