Meanwhile, Porrim took the time to inform Horuss (how unfortunate that she got the Zahak! One could almost say it was sexist!) that it was time to begin the game:
Gender Advocate (GA) began trolling Uncensored Terror (UT)
GA: Ho+russ, are yo+u there?
Answer me, yo+u gro+tesque excuse fo+r a tro+ll! It's time to+ start Sgrub!
UT: 8==D Your jade b100d prevents you from e%claiming a more appropriate insult, not that one in which one in your position on the hemospectrum could thoroughly insult one of mine e%ists, anyway.
8==D One could even counter and say that your bizarre sub-proletariat manner of dress is e%cruciatingly qrotes%. But the truth is that it is only somewhat so, and to e%aggerate like that would be very r00d.
GA: Thanks, I guess. Since yo+u're o+bvio+usly co+mmitted to+ this generally male-do+minated hemo+spectrum thing, I'm go+ing to+ humbly implo+re yo+u, rather than just ask yo+u...
What the hell is with the emo+e?
UT: 8==D It is my face. Or at least, what my face would surely look like if my true destiny as a hoofbeast is ever fully realized.
GA: It just lo+o+ks like alien genitals to+ me.
UT: 8=D It seems that not even a jade b100d can recognize the beauty of the musclebeast face when it trots into view. How disappointing.
GA: With a hemo+pho+bic and sexist attitude like that, yo+u wo+n't last a week in the game! Just get ready and pro+o+ype something.
UT: 8====D Very well. I have just thought of something that will be e%cellent for this situation. Hold on to your reins of irritation while I saddle up a suitable musclebeast.
GA: No+! Whatever yo+u use to+ pro+o+ype with, the enemies o+f the game will get it, to+o+. I tried using a simple quilt I had sewn, and guess what happened? They used them as capes, and no+w thanks to+ me they can all fly!
UT: 8==D How amusing! Naturally, an almost e%c100sively female class as yours would be so f00lish-or perhaps I should say foalish-to believe that your se% was incapable of causing grevious damage to the game e%posited to us by Aranea and the Empress. But no matter. I, an unoffical epitome of troll ma%culinity, will not st00p further to degrade you. I mean your p00r de%ision.
GA: Epito+me o+f masculinity?! Ugh! Yo+u will never have a female matespirt, I can gurantee yo+u that!
Porrim logged off in anger, the message delivered. That stupid horse-obsessed freak! How dare he mock her just for being a girl, and a few notches down on the hemospectrum! If Kankri really cared about social justice, she thought, he would have done something about this sort of thing!
And yet, he called himself the epitome of masculinity...he truly embodied it. The stupid goofy smile, his alleged "STRENGTH" which prevented him from supposedly grasping any object without those fancy gauntlets of his, the two pointy horns that so flamboyantly displayed his place on the hemospectrum, his creepy musclebeast fetish...there were so many reasons Porrim felt were valid enough to wish for his death. Better yet, be responsible for it.
. . . . .
Horuss installed the client disc. But before prototyping, Horuss decided to have one last chat with a certain bull-horned troll:
Uncensored Terror (UT) began trolling Aztlan's Underling (AU)
UT: 8==D Rufioh!
8==D I am here!
8==D Ru-Fi-Oh!
AU: heheheh...1t's always k1nda funny when you say 1t l1ke that! but ser1ously, what's up bro?
UT: 8==D I here to tell you that this is the moment we take our journey into the game. I would like for us to do so together. You shall be my steed, and I yours!
AU: sure th1ng! 1'll just 1nstall the cl1ent d1sc th1ngy that Serket kept talk1ng about...
and talk1ng and talk1ng and talk1ng...jegus, 1 just real1zed how thankful 1 should be for hav1ng someone who doesn't make long w1nded speeches!
UT: 8==D Indeed. The cerulean swill she has comes with so many genetic def%.
AU: aw, come on man, what d1d 1 say about stuff l1ke that? 1t don't matter to me what color your blood 1s, long as you got a good heart deep down! and 1'm pretty sure Aranea has someth1ng l1ke that!
UT: 8===D Oh, Rufioh, I have much to learn about your lowb100ded mindset. Your manners are so serene, as if you were a gentle old musclebeast in a pasture that allows even the lowliest wiggler to ride it without bucking them off.
UT: 8=====D Buck is such a lovely word, don't you think?
AU: oh no...
UT: 8========D The mere thought of the sensation of bucking off an unruly rider is so strangely...e%hilarating!
AU: stop 1t, dude! calm down!
UT: 8==========D~~~~~Ah, yes! The feeling is making me sweat! (What you see is the sweat dripping from my face.)
AU: yeah, okay. shouldn't you be work1ng on the game or someth1ng?
UT: 8=D Yes. Perhaps that would be best. I have, after all, already installed the client di%. I should have prototyped something by now, but the jade b100d insisted that a musclebeast of some sort would not do, as it would undoutedly give the enemeis of the game the power of the musclebeast.
AU: well...Meenah was gonna get her wr1ggl1ng day on pretty soon...maybe some of that useless junk you bought a wh1le back to try and bake her cake'll come 1n handy. 1 mean, what could they do w1th a cake?
UT: 8==D Yes, I recall that cake! It is in the oven right now.
AU: you mean the burn1ng chamber?
UT: 8==D As much as I love you, Rufioh, I simply cannot use your lowb100ded slang. Please forgive me.
AU: that's cool. wa1t, how long has that th1ng been 1n the oven?
UT: 8==D Around 12 hours. Why?
AU: sh*t...go 1n your resp1ite block, NOW!
Horuss naturally did as his flushed crush ordered him to. Sure enough, the whole damn room was on fire, and his lusus was scorched. The fire hadn't been hot enough to burn down the iron doors that led into the room, so although this room was pretty much an inferno, the rest of the hive was ine%plicably okay.
Horuss was too shocked to move. The fire was already starting to get on his clothes, and when he tried to turn back, he found that he had stupidly set the doors to lock behind him. (if his doors were just simple wooden slabs instead of comple% machines, this wouldn't have been a problem!)
But just as the fire grew enough strength to consume Horuss in its flamey-ness, a tall green creature in a green tux appeared. It was Matchsticks! He had a fire extinguisher in his hands, and he extinguished the flames. Horuss, to grateful to speak, stood aside as Matchsticks took the fire extinguisher and put it on the kernal sprite. Porrim had placed everything outside because she didn't want to see what was in Horuss' hive. When Horuss had used the totem lathes on the Alchemiter, he was instructed to sculpt a musclebeast out of indigo clay. Horuss frantically tried to get the hooves perfect as the meteor approached.
"Doesn't have to be perfect, kid," said the green creature. "Just make the thing so we can get out of here!"
"8==D No! I must not fail the test assigned to me by neglecting to give my best effort!"
The meteor was getting very close now. In about 30 seconds it would crash. Matchsticks sighed, motioned over to E%tinguisprite, and the blunt object in sprite form bonked Horuss on the head. He fell unconcious, and Matchsticks finished the sculpture by making a rather ugly looking horse head to go with the e%quisite work of art ugly naked horse man thing. Horuss' hive, himself, and his sprite disappeared into the Medium, but Matchsticks ran for cover as the meteor crashed. Seconds after impact, the meteor had started a few small fires. Perfect. Matchsticks entered the flames and disappeared.
. . . . .
I could show you where Horuss ended up, but how about we check on Porrim instead? She and her hive landed in the middle of a swamp. The sun shone only in patches through the thick trees of the marsh, and all around her Porrim heard the sounds of buzzing insects and croaking frogs, essentially making this planet the Land of Bogs and Frogs (LOBAF).
The jadeblood looked outside with disgust. "Ho+w am I suppo+sed to+ get thro+ugh this swamp witho+ut getting my clo+hes wet?" she said aloud. She searched her closet and found a pair of dark green boots and matching umbrella, in the off chance that something tried to splash her and she had time to block it before getting wet. She hated getting wet more than she hated Horuss at the moment. But before leaving the hive she realized that she'd need a weapon. She found that Mituna had sent her a walkthrough and read it. She used the codes she had found to make the Penguin's Bane, an umbrella with a built-in harpoon! Finally, she headed out. Naturally, the whole thing took about 30 minutes, because you know how long ladies are at getting ready to go ou-never mind, Porrim's giving me an angry look and pointing the Penguin's Bane at me. Please don't fire that thing at me, Porrim!
. . . . .
Horuss, having barely escaped the fire, found himself and his hive in the Land of Towers of Steel (LOTAS). It was an entirely metal planet; the there was no soil underneath the metal ground, which Horuss found out after pulling some of the metal plating off. Just a bunch of wires and tubes, like the whole thing was some kind of living machine. Tall towers (wait, wouldn't those be considered phallic objects?!) also made entirely of steel and iron dotted the otherwise flat landscape. The imps Horus wasted no time making weapons or chatting with friends. He just went straight outside with his lusus, Buster, a musclebeast-like creature a head taller than Equius' would be. Horuss hopped on bare-back, already clad in armor he had built himself, made of some bizarre fictitious metal that was both sturdy and flexible.
"8==D Giddyup, my steed!" Horuss cried. Buster obeyed, charging and trampling the imps at full speed. A few were lucky enough to take to the air before the pair reached them, but most of them were turned to grist before they could even blink in surprise. Buster galloped at full speed to one of the metal towers, and when they were close enough Horuss STRONG jumped through the window. What he didn't count on were the below-ground floors of the tower that led deep into the mechanized core of the planet. The way down was a spiral staircase with no railings, and Horuss had jumped over all of that and was now plummeting down to the bottom of the tower, however far down that ended up being. But E%tinguisprite had other plans. It appeared from out of nowhere (don't you just love how sprites are always there for you?) and sprayed that weird flame-e%tinguishing material in a massive tower far below Horuss to try and catch him. After falling about 100 more feet, the white stuff did its work, and Horuss found himself nestled in a big pile of it.
"8=D Fiddlestic%. Pardon my language, faithful sprite, but it seems that my headSTRONGNESS nearly put me out to the pasture. How am I to get back up?"
"Yes, if only you had some way..."
"8==D Who spea%?" Horuss asked.
"Name's Sawbuck, lad. I've been assigned to help you."
"8==D A construct of the game, then?" Horuss guessed.
"Not quite, but you're close to the target, boy! But that's neither here nor there. Step out of that comfy white prison. It's unbecoming of a stallion such as yourself," Sawbuck said, deliberately attempting to appeal to Horuss' musclebeast sensitivites. Horuss obeyed and looked around. He had fallen a long way down, but he could still see the railings that led even further.
8==D I believe I can journey back upwards. Than%, but your help will not be needed," Horuss said to Sawbuck.
"Easy there, lad! Remember what happened the last time you listened to yourself? I can give you a shortcut. Stay right where you are for a second." Seconds later, a blue badge the same color as Horuss' blood with a ten on it appeared on the stairs of the railing. Horuss jumped over to the stairs from his tower of white and e%amined it.
"That badge, so long as you wear it, will allow you to use the power of the void to transport yourself to some random place on the planet. The trigger is to harm yourself. I suppose a strong boy like you is willing to perform the task?"
"8==D If that is what is needed, I shall do it," Horuss replied confidently, having full trust in Sawbuck. Horuss punched himself in the face after putting on the badge, and he found himself tumbling backwards into darkness.
And then he found himself back in his hive, Buster standing over him with conern.
"8==D Hello, Buster. Why do you look at me with such an unusually long face, even for a musclebeast with a face as long as yours?"
"That's because you just came out of the ceiling of your hive, boy! This first time you got lucky, but next time you might end up in a completely random place! Quite a bad fix on a planet where everything looks the same. But if you should harness the power of the void, perhaps you'll be able to have some control over where you go. Maybe then you won't need the badge! But for now, keep it. It'll come in handy."
"8==D Than%, Saw-buck?" Horuss replied, beginning to sweat.
