Porrim, her dress dirtied from all of the plants she had planted around her hive, and the enemies she had killed to get the grist to do it, stepped back to admire her work. She decided that it was simply perfect. She had planted the rows of exotic, botanically unfamiliar flowers just so that they would receive equal sunlight filtered through the canopy of trees throughout the day. The damp soil was suprisingly quite fertile and minimized the necessity of watering. Satisified, she strolled into her hive to finally relax. She peered into her expansive closet and smiled at every outfit she had made since the beginning of the session, remembering the story that each one had told via the enemies killed for the grist, and the way it was all stitched together. Complexity. Diversity. Organization. Beauty. Everything with her, save the dank and damp world she was on, epitomized these qualities. Although she had worked hard to perfect all of this, Porrim had forgotten that most of it would be worthless in the game.
Porrim yawned and decided to take a nap. She fell asleep easily, waking up on Prospit. In between her creative labor she had periodically fallen asleep, just to revisit this beautiful place. Flying out to the golden city, she could Latula and Rufioh in the sky. There was also a rainbow in the sky, which was somewhat unusual, but Porrim paid it little notice; surely such things would be common here. She joined her friends in conversation regarding their experiences.
"Hello +here! What brings yo+u bo+h to+ Pro+spit?" she asked.
"just got b4ck to th3 h1v3 from 4 w1ck3d f1ll3r 4dv3nt!" Latula exclaimed.
"What's a filler?" Porrim asked, remembering that "advent" was just Pyrope shorthand for adventure.
"d*mn, doll, you haven't found someone to go on one w1th you yet? they're these w1cked s1de quests where you just go around and explore your world and k1ck *ss! they don't really have a po1nt, cept to make you stronger and bond w1th the person that comes w1th you. course' 1t's cool 1f you just go 1t alone, but then 1t's not as fun!"
"1kr! w3 sur3 th1nk 4l1k3, 4y Ruf?" Latula said in agreement. "1 m34n, w3 3v3n sh4r3 p4rt of 4 typ1ng qu1rk!"
"heh heh, r1ght on!" Rufioh agreed, giving Latula the greatest platonic fistbump in paradox space. Porrim was still looking a little confused.
"Filler? O+h, I've been to+o+ busy fixing up my hive with all o+f this beautiful stuff to+ bo+her go+ing to+o+ far away fro+m the hive. Wo+uld either o+f yo+u like to+ see it so+metime?"
"h3ll y34h! 1t's th3 l34st 1 could do to r3p4y you 4ft3r m4k1ng th4t w1ck3d bodysu1t for h1m!"
"Go+o+d. I co+uld make o+ne fo+r yo+u, to+o+, Rufioh, if yo+u'd like," Porrim said, winking suggestively. Rufioh ran a hand through his mohawk nervously.
"uh, sorry, 1 don't th1nk 1'd look too hot 1n that...d*mn, 1 mean too good!"
"Yo+u'll be missing o+ut," Porrim warned. "These th1ngs are go+nna beco+me trendy real so+o+n. They're go+ing to+ replace mo+hawks by sto+rm, I just kno+w it!"
"not 1f Horuss dec1des to go publ1c w1th some of h1s bangarang armor 1deas!" Rufioh responded. Porrim rolled her eyes.
"That aesthetically challenged mo+ro+n can go+-never mind," she said quickly.
"wow...l1ttle mad today?" Rufioh asked. "someth1n' Horuss sa1d? 1 know he can be a l1ttle 1nsens1t1ve, but he's pretty talented 1n h1s own ways."
"Yes, I suppo+se so+. I have to+ go+. No+w that I'm o+ut o+f things to+ do+, I feel like lo+o+king to+ Skaia fo+r guidance. Do+esn't it po+int yo+u in the right directio+n so+metimes?" she asked her friends. They shrugged.
"1 dunno, but 1t's a n1ce place to dream, a1n't 1t?" Rufioh said. Porrim nodded and waved goodbye to find a spot to look into Skaia.
"1 think there's someth1n up w1th her and Horuss. What do you th1nk?" Rufioh asked Latula.
"lo4d of muscl3b3st cr4p," Latula persuaded him. She knew Porrim well enough to know the truth, however, and connected the dots.
"ugh, funny you should say that; he made me look at a bunch of those earl1er, before we headed out! they were, uh...1 just don't want to see anymore," Rufioh finished. Latula laughed hysterically.
"1f you don't l1k3 muscl3b34sts, th3n ma4b3 Horuss sounds l1k3 h3 w4s 4 m1st4k3 for you!" she said jokingly. Sadly, Rufioh took statements like these all too literally.
Meanwhile, Porrim looked into the clouds of Skaia and had a vision. Frogs. The old ruins by her hive. Mud. Slime. A volcano. And friends, smiling and laughing. And a blinding flash of light...and the vision was over.
Porrim grew angry. The images hadn't made much sense out of context, but somehow she knew what Skaia was trying to say.
"I'm a...MAID!?" she cried to the heavens above Prospit. It was loud enough for virtually everone else on the city/planet to hear. The vision had told her what she needed to know, but she was very eager to reject the role.
"Are yo+u telling me that yo+u're making me wo+rk with fro+gs?! There's no+thing extrao+rdinary abo+ut them at all! Why must wo+men, even in a game like this o+ne, allo+w themselves to+ be assigned to+ mo+herly o+r o+her feminine labo+rs?! No+ wait, scratch that. I'm the o+nly o+ne, o+ut o+f all the girls, o+r anyo+ne fo+r that matter, that has been given the gro+ssest and mo+st demeaning jo+b o+f all! Why me? Why no+ Rufio+h?! He's the o+nly o+ne who+ actually kno+ws what Damara is saying! This isn't fair!"
Porrim screamed until her voice was hoarse. She then went back to her bed in a huff, ignoring Latula and Rufioh's questions.
When she woke up, she found that Kankri was trying to contact her:
Critic of Generality (CG) began trolling Gendered Advocate (GA)
P9rrim, I was made aware recently 9f y9ur decisi9n to reject y9ur r9le as the Maid 9f Space. While I d9 understand that y9u are n9t as skilled at handling situati9ns that y9u perceive as pr96lematic, unlike myself, I w9uld str9ngly suggest that y9u rec9nsider and ultimately decide t9 fulfill y9ur r9le. It is vital f9r all 9f us t9 d9 9ur part, even if it seems unpleasant.
Easy fo+r yo+u to+ say. What do+ yo+u even do+, anyway?
My duty as the Seer of 6l99d is f9r me t9 eliminate uncessary, triggering, and pr96lematic c9nflicts am9ng the 9thers, using my kn9wldege 9f h9w such conflicts c9me a69ut. Als9, as the team's de-fact9 leader-at least, I am regarded 6y the game as such-it is my duty t9 travel t9 the Veil, the aster9id field 6etween Skaia and Derse, and ect96i9l9gize parad9x cl9nes 9f each 9f us t9 6e sent t9 the past, s9 that we may fill 9ur destiny-which is t9 play this game.
O+kay, I go+ the part abo+ut the Seer o+f Blo+o+d thing, but what do+ yo+u mean by "ecto+bio+lo+gizing" and parado+x clo+nes?
It's c9mplicated. I will detail it in a future essay 9n my 6l9g.
Kankri, everyo+ne but us is dead, why wo+uld yo+u still...did yo+u say yo+u were go+ing into+ space?
I did n9t explicitly say it, 6ut I implied it, yes. My Denizen apparently guards a suita6le means 9f transp9rtati9n.
Do+n't yo+u kno+w ho+w co+ld it is o+ut there? Listen, I'll alchemize so+me warm clo+hes fo+r yo+u and have them delivered to+ yo+ur planet. Do+n't leave until they get there!
Sigh...P9rrim, I appreciate the gesture, 6ut it is really quite unnecessary. A few warm cl9thes will 6e useless against the vacuum 9f space, which I am very unlikely to venture int9 anyway. I will m9st likely 6e in a space stati9n 9f s9me s9rt.
But it co+uld still be co+ld in the space statio+n itself!
N9! This gesture 9f y9urs is 69th triggering and friv9l9us!
I O+RDER y9u to+ wait, Kankri. Y9u must understand patience! Y9u may go+ and search f9r y9ur ship, but do+n't leave the planet! If yo+u o+bey me, I pro+mise to+ wo+rk with Damara o+ fro+g breeding, even tho+ugh I hate it and do+n't kno+w her very well.
Fine, then. I'll d9 as y9u say. I can't risk triggering y9u, after all.
Thank y9u, dear. Please...take care 9n y9ur j9urney.
. . . . .
Kankri then spoke to Aranea:
Critic of Generality (CG) began trolling Arachne's Gift (AG)
What can y9u tell me a69ut 6969?
8080? What makes you think I know anything a8out a Denizen that isn't even mine?
After glancing int9 my 9r6 9f c9nflict, I determined that this w9uld 6e the primary 96stacle I w9uld have t9 neg9tiate in 9rder t9 travel t9 the Veil. That and a few skirmishes with Dersite vessels 9n their way t9 the 6attlefield. T9 6e h9nest I d9n't kn9w h9w I'll handle th9se. The 9r6 was a little vague.
Don't worry, I'm sure it's nothing you and I can't handle. My tremendous new insight regarding the game's complexity is suddenly a lot more simple!
9h? H9w s9?
I reached God Tier!
Well, well. C9ngratulati9ns! Y9u're the first am9ng us!
I know, right? And it was all thanks to my Exile, Clover! He gave me these marshmallows-except they weren't sugary or white or puffy, they had these weird shapes-and they made me fly to my Quest 8ed.
It s9unds crazy, 6ut this game certainly challenges previ9usly held n9ti9ns regarding alm9st every scientific field. 6ut I digress. Can y9u tell me what I need t9 deal with 6969?
8080 is a fairly powerful 8pe that guards the rocket on the top of the highest mountain of your planet, according to Skaia. My planet is very close to it, you see, so I can get this information easily. You'll need to alchemize some weapona for the fight, and possi8ly some clim8ing gear. And feel free to contact me again if your journey up the moutain gets too harsh. I can help make it easier ::::)
Thank y9u. Why are y9u suddenly s9 kn9wledga6le a69ut my situtai9n? Have y9u 6een...
Goodness, no, I haven't 8een stalking you! As you would say, that would be very "pro8lematic and triggering". I simply gazed into Skaia after getting the tiger-as the popular saying allegedly goes-and was sort of...de8riefed 8y the clouds on what to do next. I had to piece the information together a little, and it may not 8e entirely accur8, to 8e honest. 8ut it was my 8est, I suppose. ::::)
Indeed. H9wever, I sh9uld at least take the time t9 warn y9u that the phrase y9u just used, while certainly n9t an explicitly triggering statement, d9es have a hist9ry 9f 6eing used in negative c9nn9tati9ns. Y9u see, when y9u say simply that y9u did y9ur 6est-
Listen, Kankri, while this is most likely a very enlightening lession you intend to teach, I'm afraid I'll have to decline for the moment. Why not simply write out an essy and send it to me l8er? Right now, your primary o8jective is to clim8 the mountain and call 8080. Simply say his name 69 times, like so: 8080 8080 8080 8080 8080 8080 8080 8080...and so forth.
6969 6969 6969 6969 6969 6969 6969 6969 6969...and s9 f9rth?
Yes, sixty-nine times. Good8ye and good luck!
Kankri was about to start being Santa and make stuff when noticed that Porrim was also trolling him:
Gendered Advocate (GA) began trolling Critic of Generality (CG)
Kankri, dear, I've go+ the sweater fo+r yo+u all made! It sho+uld be delivered to+ yo+u very so+o+n!
Is it really necessary? I-
TAKE. THE. SWEATER!
All right. If it will avert y9u fr9m being triggered, then I have n9 ch9ice 6ut t9 c9mply. When wil it get here?
A Pro+spitan will deliver it to+ right abo+ut...no+w! Go+o+d luck o+n yo+ur quest! I'll try to+ do+ mine, to+o+...but o+nly fo+r yo+ur sake.
Just then, a roar of a spacecraft was heard above Kankri's hive. Out came a friendly young Prospitan woman. I wonder who it i-oh you probably knew it was PM! She was wearing typical Prospitan parcel robes, which were blue and had a cute little picture of an envelope on the front. She would've given a nice smile, but Carapacians don't seem to have mouths except when they absolutely need them. And a mouth apparently wasn't necessary at the moment. Kankri's eyes widened when he saw the ship.
"Pard9n me f9r 6eing s9 69ld, 6ut what y9u c9nsider all9wing me t9-?"
But before Kankri finished his very long question, a giant rock appeared in the sky. And before he knew it, the rock crashed through the ship and made a huge hole in it, destroying it. When he saw this, Kankri finally lost his cool. "What the fuck?!" he cried. "That's n9t fair at all! N9w I have t9 all the way up that stupid m9untain and fight a stupid ape6east wh9se name just s9 'happens' t9 6e s9mething imp9ssi6le t9 type 9ut with my typing quirk, and 6eat it up just t9 get int9 a freakin' spaceship! Grr...69696969999999999999999999999999999999999!"
PM reassuringly placed a hand on Kankri after he put on his sweater in the package she had been holding. It was bright red and very warm. Kankri sighed.
"Thank y9u. F9r a minute there was I 6eing very vulgar and c9uld have triggered y9u. I'm s9rry."
PM smiled, this time being allowed to use her mouth. She pointed to the mountain and took out a plasma pistol and an ivory bat from her parcel robes. Kankri understood that she was willing to help him get to the Veil.
"Well then, let's 6e the 12th perigree h9liday dr9ne!" Kankri cried. PM looked confused, as she didn't know that this was just a drone on Beforus that fulfilled the role of Santa to wigglers. Alternia isn't cool enough to have one. Yeah, I just went there!
Kankri decided to take a slight increase in badass and worked with PM to make some stuff. Hiking up his pants in seriousness. He combined his printer, a stapler and and a random computer chip Mituna had given him in an attempt to back off of Latula to make the Tazerjet! It was basically a flying, autonomous printer that hovered around on jets and could had a number of attacks: it could chomp things by opening up its first part and stab it with a giant stapler, then spit them out anywhere it liked if they could fit inside the printer. It could also fire a bunch of razor-sharp sheets of paper, giving WICKED PAPER CUTS! to anyone that got hit. The sheets of paper were much sharper than they looked, Kankri knew. The thing could also fire a fairly decent laser at attackers. Using the capthalogue card for one, Kankri made a bunch more with the Tazerjet's photocopying feature. These things were deadly in groups, but alone they'd probably drop like flies.
Kankri combined his incredibly wimpy knife with PM's plasma pistol to make the Knife Gun! He could fire a bunch of little knives in rapid sucession, or a giant knife with a charged-up shot! How exactly a knife expands in the barrel of a gun is something that can only be done in S_b games. Just go with it, okay?!
Kankri tried to check out the other stuff that hadn't been destroyed by PM, but she shooshed him away with ivory bat. She knew that the mail could NEVER be tampered with, even when the means of transportation to deliver said mail was no longer useable. The mail was a symbol of Democracy, and by extension, Kankri realized, Social Justice. Kankri kneeled in shame for his sins.
"I hum6ly ap9l9gize, 9h great mail w9man. Please, find it in y9ur heart t9 f9rgive me 9f my-"
But PM was too busy clubbing a nearby imp to care what Kankri had to say.
After making some stretchy rope out of nylon stockings (Porrim had given him these; she had insisted they were trendy, but Kankri never wore them but once) that was supposedly unbreakable, some hiking boots (really just his regular shoes with gum stuck on the bottom for grip) and a grappling hook he got from Mituna's codes, he set out with PM. He made to again hike up his pants when he started the climb, for you know, protection and stuff. PM climbed ahead of Kankri without any trouble, gripping the nylon stretchy rope by one end while Kankri gripped the other end with one hand while having his grappling hook at the ready in case PM suddenly fell off and he had to pull her up. He wasn't really climbing so much as PM was dragging him up, not bothering to worry about her parcel robes. She was perfectly alright with them being torn in the line of duty.
