Chapter 39
Kurloz went on with his story. After his conversion his romantic life with Meulin blossomed. Nothing troubled him now, and he felt more outgoing and happy. The couple visited each other's hives several times a week. But then one day that had to change when Meulin began asking questions he simply was not allowed to answer.
"(*u*) Purrloz, what exactly is your religion?" Kurloz paused for a moment, thinking of what to say and what to withhold. He could never outright lie to his own matesprit, but if he told her what his religion was and she learned of its past she would be worried. She might try to take matters into her own hands—or, paws—and force him to do any manner of things she felt would remove his knowledge of the Mirthful Messiah.
"It's motherfuckin' miraculous, that's what it is!" Kurloz replied jokingly. Meulin didn't seem to be amused by Kurloz's usage of Highblooded slang. He had been doing this in an attempt to get in touch with his ancestors and their own much-stronger faith.
"(X=X) No, I mean, what is it about?" Kurloz thought for a moment before replying:
"It's just me chillin' and doin' what I was meant to do. There's a whole lot of miracles, in it, my lovely little kittybitch," Kurloz said as he gave Meulin a passionate kiss to try and get her mind from being so curious. It seemed to work at least partially because Meulin's next question was:
"(6-6) Well, since it makes you so furn and happy to be arowlnd, maybe you could let me join in, too?" Kurloz felt a twinge of sadness at the tone of her voice. It was so pleading, so sweet, so adorable. He hated to have to say no to it. That had been what had drawn them together after the drought—she seemed to find his voice so soothing, and he found hers so sweet and cute. But he had to say it.
"No, Meulin. It's only meant for high—people on my spot in the hemospectrum. That doesn't mean I think of you as lower than me, though—I want you to know that. I wish you could join me, but I just can't break tradition, not even for my little kittybitch."
"(4-4) Could you purrease not call me that?"
"Sorry."
Balancing his relationship and his newfound religious beliefs were not as hard as Kurloz had initially thought. He managed to discourage Meulin from going into his hive by starting a renovation project so that they could both live there together, and that he wanted it to be a surprise, and she had believed him. It was not a lie, actually; Kurloz had planned on doing that even before his conversion experience. But now that Meulin would not be here, he had the chance to purchase black market literature consisting mostly of sacred Highblood texts. One Highblood practice he did not adopt, however, was the consumption of large amounts of Faygo and sopor slime, although he had acquired some of the latter for use if ever necessary for himself or others. Faygo was banned due to Sufferist influence and its associations with the Highbloods. As he began to delve deeper and further understand the faith he had aligned himself with he met another troll at his local bookstore that seemed to still be searching for purpose. Kurloz was there to see how much material on the Highbloods was available through legal methods(thankfully quite a bit), and Mituna was there to get some books on computer languages and basic programming in preparation to apply for his a new job. But he was also interested in metaphysical matters beyond the material world, as Kurloz had been before his Lord spoke to him.
"Huh. 'Cultural analysis of the Highbloods'. Looks like a great doorstopper, but fascinating. You wouldn't mind loaning it to me sometime, would you?"
"Sure, bro! What do you need it for, though?"
"I don't know, really. Just trying to study the numerous religions of Beforus' past. It's a shame most of them never really took off, except some of the bad ones. And there's Sufferism, of course, that one's not bad in the least. It's the reason I even have a job!"
"Yep. That Sufferer was one miraculous dude," Kurloz said blissfully. In truth, he knew very well that the Suffere was anything but miraculous or wise, but given the circumstances Kurloz knew it was better to lie in such a situation. Surely the Mirthful Messiah would have condoned it here.
"Yeah. But when you think about it, Sufferism isn't really a religion. It gives no answers to the questions I'm asking, like: does life have a specific meaning? Why do things happen the way they do, and who or what is the cause? And how do I figure all this out? I don't want to make up my own answers, but it seems that no one on this planet has any good ideas right now. They just don't think about it, the way I've done." Kurloz nodded at went back to reading. Mituna left to go get some books, but when he came back he kept going:
"Sometimes I lie awake at day, asking myself these things. I like to make up answers for myself, just to amuse myself. But I never get anywhere. Nothing is the truth. But it's gotta be out there somewhere, right? It's times like those that I wish I knew everything. I don't care what it would cost me!"
"It doesn't cost you nothin', my friend. All you need is an open mind and a few miracles, and soon the truth will reveal itself."
"I already have an open mind—at least I think I do. What exactly do you believe in? You seem so sure of yourself." Kurloz studied the troll; most likely he wasn't a highblood. He wouldn't even have to make him bleed to find that out, not that he wanted to do that in a public place. So Kurloz quickly thought up another vague thing to say and replied:
"I believe in miracles. It's wicked miracles that have been running my life for the past month or so. It was a motherfuckin' miracle that I found out the truth. It was a miracle that I met my bitchtits matesprit, and now it's a miracle I'm meeting a kindred spiritual spirit like you."
"Uh, thanks." Mituna wasn't sure how to respond. It sounded like Kurloz was flirting with him, but he just mentioned a matesprit, so that wasn't it. Perhaps he just wanted a friend to discuss metaphysical matters with. "If you ever want to talk about this some or borrow one of my books, just meet up with me back here."
"Wicked cool of you, bro!" Kurloz declared, and left. Days later the two of them found each other at the bookstore again. Mituna explained sheepishly that he had come back in hopes of seeing Kurloz again, and Kurloz admitted the same thing. So they discussed religious and spiritual matters over coffee and a couple of good, informative books on the subject. After Kurloz had found a place in his hive to hide away his black market Highblood texts, he invited Mituna to continue their discussions at his hive. When Meulin asked why he always seemed to be out, Kurloz explained quite explicitly who Mituna was and that he wasn't cheating on her. It felt good to be honest for once. Kurloz made sure to divide his time evenly between the two to prevent Meulin from developing any feelings of jealousy or suspicion, and it worked. Meulin even met Mituna a few times, but the two didn't seem to take any interest in each other. Kurloz was glad that was so.
While Kurloz enjoyed talking to Mituna, he hated it when Mituna asked a question about what he thought. Whether it was the notion of free will, purpose of the universe, the afterlife, or anything else, Kurloz had to make up some vague thing to tell him. Thanks to his religion he knew full well what the answers to all these questions were, but if he told Mituna too much than he'd give away his Highbloodedness. And if Mituna found out everything about his religion, he'd think Kurloz was an extremist of some sort and try to have him put in prison! So Kurloz was very careful not to give any hints of extremist Highblood thought. If Mituna did find out, he'd just have to convince him that he was a reformed Highblood, a "moderate" of sorts. In actuality, however, Kurloz knew there was no moderation for a Highblood.
After a while, Mituna began to use these discussions as a way to sometimes vent about his problems and anxieties. At first he apologize for it and tried to get back to whatever topic was at hand, but Kurloz could tell that he just needed a friend rather than an academic colleague. Kurloz, in turn, sometimes expressed the difficulties in his life, although he had to be more vague because he didn't want to reveal too much.
"Sometimes life is just so motherfuckin' hard."
"How so?"
"Meulin, for example. I love her so much, and I'm worried that sometimes she's just slippin' through my wicked fingers."
"Why is that?"
"I'm always leavin' her to go talk to you. She always says ok, but how do I know that she motherfuckin' MEANS it? What if she's suspicious?"
"I don't know much I can help you there. I've never had a matesprit. I'm just too awkward and shy. I'm sometimes worried that other trolls look at me with disdain, because I'm aloof and nerdy and low-blooded. And I think they hate that I'm smarter than them. Especially seadwellers. I had to start wearing glasses after one of them spat at me and nearly got me in the eye. Gross and depressing. And what he called me after I bumped into him…"
"What did he motherfuckin' call you?"
"A Condi-man condiment. I didn't get it at first. Basically the Empress' sex slave. And then he told me to leave before he started getting hungry, because he always liked mustard on his sandwich. I was younger then, and emotionally frail. The words hurt so much I cried, in public. I was never humiliated afterwards as badly as I was that day, and I was afraid of seadwellers for a while. But then I met one that was nice. Ugh! Here I go again, talking about my own problems and feelings when I should be listening to you! I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize, man. Hey, I'd give inferiority any day over secrets."
"What secrets could you possibly have?"
"Nothin' much, really. It's just that I don't tell Meulin about my religious beliefs in detail. She's glad that they made me happier, but I'm worried if I started talking about something as vague as miracles as I have with you, she'd motherfuckin' ditch me, and I need my kittybitch."
"I'd say to just use good judgment. If you know how she'll react to whatever you say, then you should be the one to decide to reveal or withhold information. And what you've said to me isn't that dangerous, anyway, just stuff about Mirthful Messiahs and miracles. Maybe she'd like all that."
"Or think I'm just weird."
"Well, that, too. But if she leaves you because of the way you think, then she's the one with the problem, not you."
"You're wicked smart, Mituna. I'll be sure to remember that."
"Thanks. And remember, if you ever have any doubts or worries about…well, anything, just come find me. We're moirails now, obviously, and we can't let each other fall apart and die."
"Amen, brother!"
"Yeah. I'll be damned if I let you go."
"Huh?"
"Just something another friend of mine said once."
But Kurloz never did take Mituna's advice. He couldn't; to tell Meulin everything would cause her to be afraid of him and most likely leave him, for good and to report him to the police for Highblooded extremism.
At Mituna's insistence to include Meulin in their conversations, Kurloz reluctantly scheduled their last topic—Gog, also known as God—at her hive. Kurloz was very nervous about being able to hide the true nature of his beliefs, but as he talked with Mituna he suddenly figured out what to do: pray and negotiate.
After the discussion was over, he went back to his hive to finish up the renovations. If his plan were to work, he would have to keep Meulin under his control. Thank Gog he bought all that sopor slime. As he finished building out the area to store it, Kurloz questioned the ethics of his plan. Is this was what his Lord would have him do? Was he really going to go through with this? He prayed to see what would happen.
"Mirthful Messiah," he began. When he prayed to his Lord—which was less than Kurloz thought necessary—he never used Highblooded slang; such words were too low and vulgar to be heard by the omniscient ears of the time Lord.
I AM ALREADY HERE. SPEAK OF YOUR CONCERNS TO ME.
I'm scared about what I'm doing. I love Meulin, but I don't want her to get destroyed when you unleash your wrath.
SHE IS OF LITTLE CONSEQUENCE TO ME. SHE IS NOT A HIGHBLOOD, NOR IS SHE MY HANDMAIDEN. THEREFORE SHE IS NOT FIT TO BE IN MY SERVICE…UNLESS SHE OTHERWISE CAN DEMONSTRATE HER SUBMISSION TO MY WILL.
What do you mean?
CONTINUE WITH YOUR PLAN TO KEEP HER UNDER YOUR CONTROL. I SHALL AID BY GIVING YOU A SPIRITUAL GIFT, THE LIKES OF WHICH I HAVE NOT BESTOWED UPON ANY HIGHBLOOD FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS—ALTHOUGH A FEW WRETCHED COBALT-BLOODED ROGUES HAVE STOLEN THE SECRETS. YOU WILL RECEIVE IT WHEN THIS PRAYER IS OVER.
What is it?
YOU WILL SEE. BUT FIRST I MUST IMPART TO YOU FUTURE KNOWLEDGE. YOUR ROLE AS A PRINCE AMONG TROLLS WILL COMMENCE IN APPROXIMATELY ONE SWEEP. YOUR LOVER SHALL BE A MAGE AT THIS SAME TIME. I HAVE GREAT PLANS FOR YOU AND YOUR ASSOCIATES—EVENTS WHICH SEEM TO COME ABOUT OF THEIR FREE WILL, BUT ARE IN FACT CONTROLLED BY MY FOLLOWERS AND I. YOUR TIME AS AN INSTRUMENT IN THESE PLANS SHALL BE AT HAND THEN. IT IS THROUGH YOUR RESPECTIVE ROLES THAT I SHALL BRING ABOUT THE DESTRUCTION OF YOUR UNIVERSE; ITS TIME FOR JUDGMENT IS COMING SOON, BUT YOU AND THE OTHERS WILL BE SPARED FOR FURTHER USE. THESE THINGS MAY SEEM STRANGE TO YOU NOW, BUT SOON YOU WILL UNDERSTAND. NOW DEPART YOUR MIND FROM MY PRESENCE.
"Amen!"
So Kurloz invited Meulin over to his hive to show her all that had changed. Now they could live together forever, he told her. He was right, but not in the way she had imagined it. It was Kurloz's suggestion for them to make love. He wanted to make Meulin's last moments of free will meaningful, although she wouldn't remember it if all went according to plan.
"Let me tell you one last thing about us Highbloods," he whispered seductively. Now was the time to reveal things he had hidden, while Meulin was drunk on passion.
"What?"
"My Lord calls on each of us, his followers, to his service. The time for the period in which I must serve him draws near. I want you to join me, my love." Finally, Kurloz thought, it felt good to be more explicit about his faith. The good thing about all this was that he no longer had to hide anything. Now Meulin knew the truth.
"Who cares about that? Can't we just be together for a little while?" But it seemed like she didn't understand it just yet. As they lay together Kurloz prayed to Lord English again.
My Lord and Mirthful Messiah!
SPEAK. I AM ALREADY HERE.
Can she join us?
NO. SHE IS NOT UNDER YOUR CONTROL. MATING WITH ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING.
Can I try and convince her to join?
NO. SHE WILL NOT DO IT. THE TIMELINE IN WHICH YOU ASK THIS QUESTION CAUSES HER TO LEAVE YOU. I CAN ONLY SEE ONE WAY IN WHICH SHE CAN BOTH SERVE ME AND REMAIN WITH YOU. BUT IT HAS A PRICE THAT YOU MUST PAY.
What is the price?
BECAUSE YOU HAVE DECIDED THAT YOU WISH TO SPEAK OF THE SECRETS OF THE HIGHBLOODS TO MEULIN, YOU MUST BE SILENCED PERMANENTLY SO THAT YOU CANNOT COMMIT THIS SIN AGAIN. AND YOUR LOVER, SHE HAS A PRICE TO PAY AS WELL. BECAUSE SHE WILL HEAR OF THE TRUTH OF THE HIGHBLOODS FROM YOU, SHE CANNOT HEAR ANYTHING ELSE, LEST SHE BE LED ASTRAY BY THE LIES OF THE SIGNLESS. THIS IS HER FATE IN ANOTHER TIME, AND IF SHE IS TO BE MY SERVANT AS YOU THEN I MUST TAKE PRECAUTIONS. DO YOU STILL WISH TO COMMMENCE THIS?
Yes. Because otherwise you would dispose of her, right?
CORRECT. SHE IS ONLY OF USE TO ME AS A SERVANT, AS ARE YOU.
Ok, then. I'll do it. Anything to keep Meulin alive and with me.
VERY WELL. UNDER MY BLESSING, YOU TWO SHALL SERVE ME FOR MANY EONS. And so Kurloz told Meulin:
"Yes. You will be my wicked kittybitch…thank you." Kurloz made sure to address this to Lord English last.
Minutes later the time for the price of his actions came. His Lord told him:
NOW IS THE TIME YOUR PRICE SHALL BE PAID. SPEAK THE VAST HONK. Kurloz had no idea what that meant, but before he knew what was happening he opened his mouth and cried out a loud "HONK!" right in Meulin's ear. He then found himself rushing to the bathroom, and when he was done he emerged to find that Meulin was unconscious, and his mouth was forced shut. He would no longer speak.
But to Kurloz, these were small prices to pay if it meant keeping Meulin.
