Chapter 40

"Heh. Quite the story you have there. I wish I could say the same about myself, but nope. I got nothin'."

"IT'S NOT A STORY WORTH HAVIN'. AFTER MAKING MY OWN MATESPRIT DEAF I HAD TO FEED HER SOPOR SLIME EVERY EVENING AND MORNING. IT WAS SO MOTHERFUCKIN' TEDIOUS, YET SO WICKEDLY PAINFUL. I HAD TO USE THE SOPOR SLIME TO MAKE HER WILL SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE HYPNOSIS THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAH BESTOWED UPON ME. IT KEPT HER SUBMISSIVE, BUT SHE NEVER LOST HER PERSONALITY OR HER LOVE FOR ME. YOU COULDN'T EVEN MOTHERFUCKIN' TELL, MOST OF THE TIME."

"So it all worked out. It was basically like you had to give the girl a little bit of medicine to keep her calm, and she was fine. That love or whatever, you think it was real?"

"HELL, YEAH. BUT SHE WASN'T THE ONLY ONE I HAD…SUBJUGGULATE NON-VIOLENTLY. THERE WAS MITUNA, MY BEST BRO. HE GOT SUSPICIOUS ONCE, AFTER HE DID SOME MOTHERFUCKIN' PROPER RESEARCH ON HIGHBLOODS AND NOTICED THAT MEULIN WOULDN'T SAY MUCH ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOIN'. SO I HAD TO HYPNOTIZE HIM. I DID IT WHEN HE ALL UP AND CAME OVER TO MY HIVE AND SAW THE SOPOR SLIME STASH. HAD TO USE ALL THE HYPNOSIS JUST TO MAKE HIM FORGET ABOUT IT EVERYTHING. BUT THEN I THOUGHT, 'WHAT IF HE REMEMBERS AGAIN'? I GREW PARANOID, AND IN A PANIC I…THOUGHT RASHLY."

"What did you do?"

"I'D RATHER NOT SAY."

"Aw, come on! Spit it out."

"I MADE HIM TRY AND GO MOTHERFUCKIN' KILL HIMSELF." DD's jaw dropped.

"Not even in my new line of work with Jack would I think of somethin' like that. That's low. And you call this guy your friend?"

"HE DOESN'T REMEMBER IT. AND HE NEVER MOTHERFUCKIN' WILL! THE NEXT NIGHT I WENT TO MITUNA'S TO SEE IF HE WAS STILL ALIVE. SOMEHOW HE WAS, THANK THE LORD OF TIME! I JUST ALL UP AND WEPT FOR HIM. HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS UPSET ABOUT, SO I LIED AND TOLD HIM I WAS DEPRESSED AND WORRIED ABOUT MEULIN. HE BOUGHT IT AND ATE IT UP, AND WE HAD A PALE FEELINGS JAM IN HIS PILE OF CIRCUIT BOARDS."

"I have no idea what that is…but ok. So, you're mute, she's deaf, and he's been blinded? The last one's in a metaphorical sense, though."

"YES. AND I USED TO HATE EVERY MINUTE OF IT. BUT WITH A MOUTH SEWN SHUT, I'VE REALIZED THAT I CAN KEEP AS MANY SECRETS AS I LIKE."

. . . . .

Grandvizier: Be someone unexpected.

You do just that. You select Snowman from the hypothetical character selection screen.

Snowman: Attempt 2X spying combo.

Already done.

The other Felt members are fast asleep now, each in their own way. Doze just takes some sleeping pills and stands in one place, slowing down time for himself. Itchy's probably running around outside the mansion on sentry duty; he's never really tired. Trace and Finn's rooms are next to each other; Trace always has to wake up before Finn to give him a note remind him of what happened yesterday due to Finn's poor memory. Clover knocks himself out after drinking too much milk. Felt members 6-11 have normal sleeping habits, but you've noticed that Crowbar always goes to bed last before making sure he knows where everybody is. Eggs just sleeps in a pile of his clones, and Biscuits does so in his oven. Quarters and Cans are normal like most of the others.

And when it's around 3 AM, that's when you get in here and check out the trolls. Most of them aren't interesting, but Kurloz's story caught your eye tonight. All that he did just to keep his secrets and for love. You know that Lord English is proud of Kurloz for choosing him over everything else. But how can you say no to a man—if he could even be considered that—with such power?

You think this out loud. Lord English doesn't listen to your thoughts, but he does for all the other Felt members. But then you hear the door to the Communications room open and you freeze. For just a moment, your heart stops, and you can feel the entire universe began to decay. But then life goes on when you hear the friendly voice say:

"Can't sleep? Me neither."

. . . . .

Crowbar shut the door as Snowman turned to face him. "You know how I'm always about," she said. No use trying to hide her interest.

"You're lucky you don't have a troll to keep after. It's tough work for some of us, especially since they aren't doing what we want them to. Meulin won't listen to Quarters, Meenah won't listen to me, Eggs, Itchy, and Stitch have given up on their trolls—I asked why but they kept their mouths shut—can you believe it? Itchy, keeping his mouth shut?" Snowman shook her head. One thing she had learned about Crowbar was that he loved to vent when they were alone together. So she just nodded and let him go on.

"So basically tons of them are out of things to do and getting bored. Others have been talking to their trolls non-stop, but they're all on Team Sympathy, and even then it's just conversation and useless encouragement. Why are we even doing this? What role to do we even serve? Why can't Lord English just do everything himself?"

"It's to keep up the illusion," Snowman replied, her voice taking an elegant but somber tone. Crowbar was briefly mesmerized before he said, "Go on. What do you mean by that?"

"Do you think most of the trolls realize that what they're doing serves a greater purpose than just beating the game or getting over personal problems? One even greater and far darker than they could imagine?" she asked him. Crowbar shook his head.

"No. Meenah certainly doesn't. She just plays the game like it is, expecting it to end after she kills the Black King. She doesn't realize it's not that simple. That Lord English knows she'll fail because her friends are all so caught up in other things. And the few that do know what's going on are powerless, or they're working with Lord English because he promised to spare their lives."

"What about us? None of us chose to be spared." Crowbar growled, but not directly at Snowman, when she said that.

"Exactly. And I hate that. I'd rather die than be Lord English's slave, telling people lies that they can win and beat him. They can't, unless they throw a wrench in his works. Mess up time, that ocean he swims in, and kill him with it."

"That's probably why he has Damara on his side," Snowman agreed. "So that he can teach her to manipulate time to his advantage, without actually doing anything himself. And if she fights back, he has enough of his own power to kill her."

"Yep. And he's lied to her, told her that she has nothing to live or except serving him. Same thing with Kurloz, but it was even worse for him! You saw how Lord English tricked him into thinking that he had to brainwash the people he cared about! It just makes me so mad to see him pull the strings of those stupid puppets, and they're so blind that they don't even realize they're just toys in his hand!" Crowbar's voice was rising, but Snowman held him back by placing her hand on his shoulder.

"Sorry. Forgot everybody was asleep. And that Lord English probably knows what we're doing. But I don't care. Let him find out and kill me. The other Felt members, all of them, would come to my aid. And if he killed you then he would have one less universe to destroy!"

"Don't worry. That's not how he works. You know that. Besides, he's not as omniscient as he claims. He lets me do as I please, and as long as you're with me he doesn't know what you do or say. He deliberately withholds all he knows about me, and he doesn't look at me or anything around me. It's a blind spot in his power, because to him I'm nothing more than a switch to activate if his minions prove useless. And for the most part you've all been doing exactly what he wants." At this revelation, Crowbar seemed relaxed. His anger went away when he realized that he had just a little bit of control over his life. Lord English had a weakness after all that he could use! Adrenaline rushed through his brain as he gained an idea. He took Snowman's hand and squeezed, and she curled her fingers around his.

"Thanks for telling me all this," he told her, his voice lowering to a whisper, and his words becoming more rapid and excited. "So, if he can't see you, then can we go off someplace? If he notices me gone I can make something up. Let's just get out of the mansion for a bit. I want to tell you my idea." Without a response Snowman began to fade away, and as she touched Crowbar he did so as well. The two then found themselves on an Alternian hill with a dead tree overlooking a vast desert of blue sand. It was night here, too, and in the sky the green moon where the mansion was hung low and loomed large in the sky.

"Why did you take me out here?" Crowbar asked. "Did you have to go off the moon just so we could talk?"

"No," Snowman admitted, "I just like it here."

"Oh," Crowbar said. He could sense the real reason, but this was business and they both knew it. No attachments. But he went on with his idea anyway:

"Lord English loves using people as his puppets, right? Well, two can play at that game! You've seen all the trolls, so far I've only gotten to look at Meenah. Is there anyone I can use along with her to kill the Black King?"

"Kill the Black King? So you want them to win—even though Lord English told us all it was meant to result in a Scratch—to try and defy him? To prevent the events that need to be initiated by the trolls from happening?"

"Yeah. So? Do you not like it?"

"No, I like it. It's just that it's easier said than done. But I can still answer you. There's Kankri, Porrim, Horuss, and Rufioh. The 4 of them are currently busy with personal problems, but they're already united for you. And there's Aranea, a clever troll that's trying to help out in any way she can. But she's too passive, and according to Finn she'll be struggling soon. There's also Latula and her boyfriend Mituna…although Prora Methos damaged his brain."

"Yes, but he knows everything! Remember when I gave him that helmet? It's not just to protect his head, but it also helps him try and remember the knowledge Prora Methos gave him along with the curse. I got the code from his own collection, the one he made before his brain was damaged." Snowman said nothing but was clearly impressed at Crowbar's resourcefulness and willingness to use people he thought were useless. Perhaps it came from the fact that Crowbar worked with a lot of seemingly useless idiots that were actually quite useful on a regular basis.

"Both of the seadwellers seem like wild cards, though," she pointed out.

"Yeah, and the last 3 are firmly under Lord English's control."

"Not Meulin. She's beginning to break free."

"What? That's terrific! We can use her, too!" Snowman smiled at Crowbar. It felt good on her conscience to see him filled with hope.

"I'm glad you've taken things more optimistically now, but there's something else I want to tell you," she said.

"What?" Snowman sat down on the top of the hill, and Crowbar joined her, not quite getting what she was going to say.

"I worry about you sometimes because of the way you're worried about Lord English. Listen, there's something I want you to remember about him: he can't control everything no matter how much he tries." As she said this she took off her hat and Crowbar's own.

"These hats aren't our whole lives. We can do all sorts of things outside of our job. There's more to life than just working hard for a bad boss."

"Easy for you to say," Crowbar lamented. "You don't have to keep watch of trolls all the time." Snowman looked down in sadness, admitting he was right. But then she kept her gaze fixed to his eyes.

"Don't you see, Crowbar? Lord English can't control our thoughts. He can't control what we think or say or do. All he can do is predict what could happen and punish us. Remember when I said that he wants to keep the illusion up? Well, free will isn't entirely an illusion. We may not have Lord English's power or knowledge, but we have things he can never take away from us, things that he hates us having."

"Like friendship, and a whole gauntlet of emotions that make us who we are. He can't take away our personalities, and he can't break our spirits completely if we stay strong."

"What good are those? We can't fight with those," Crowbar protested. Snowman laughed again.

"Crowbar, you're always so fixed on tangible things! Ever since Lord English gave me the protection of being the 8th Felt member—a personification of this universe—I've discovered that there are plenty of things out there that aren't tangible, but still very real and very powerful. Like hope, and bravery, and the most reckless and destructive one—love."

"What makes you think love is so powerful?"

"It was love that drove Damara into a depression and made her seek Lord English. It was love that made Kurloz try to control everyone around him and keep secrets from them. It was love that Aranea want to start the Sgrub session. It was love that made Kankri write long essays and a different sort that made him want to settle conflicts with his friends. It was love that made Porrim want to be like a mother towards him. It was love that kept Latula and Mituna together even after his mind was destroyed. It was love that made them fight together. It was love that made Sawbuck pick Horuss as the troll he wanted to be exile too. It was love that made Cronus so depressed. It was love that made Meenah so indifferent about life, including my own. Crowbar, love is a very powerful force, and it manifests itself in many different ways. Most of the examples I described to you don't sound they have much to do with love, but believe me they do. And it's love that's about to make me do something to show you just how powerful it can be."

"What?"

Snowman grabbed Crowbar and kissed him as the moonlight shone on them and the desert sands. Crowbar closed his eyes and embraced Snowman, forgetting about all of the problems he was normally so stressed about.

When that moment of bliss was over, Crowbar told her, "I don't think that was all love. I think some of it was passion. Desire, tenacity, commitment, obsession. So if I want to kill Lord English, all I need is love…and passion." And the two kissed some more, lingering on those two subjects for the rest of the night.

AN: If you were anticipating the Felt Intermission, this wasn't it. This is A Felt Intermission. THE Felt Intermission will be here soon, though, although it's taking longer than I thought for me to get there. I hope you enjoyed this little Crowbar/Snowman stuff, and if you didn't, well…don't worry, it has a point in the plot.