I dedicate this work to
Erik the Viking
Without you, this story probably wouldn't have turned out half as well,
as it is now.
Thank you, my friend!
The year is 50. B.C. All of Gaul is occupied by the Romans...
All of Gaul? No! A village populated by indomitable Gauls will not stop resisting the invaders. And not only with great success, but also with even greater pleasure...
Our story begins in the small Gaulish village we know well, on a calm and peaceful day. That is... On closer inspection, it doesn't seem to be such a quiet day after all. At least not for all the villagers...
"I've always said so! You're nothing but the board of directors of a bunch of savages here! When I think of my brother Homoeopatix, who..."
"That's enough!"
Just then, Vitalstatistix, the chief of the village, storms out of his hut, closely followed by his wife, Impedimenta, who is apparently not well disposed towards her husband...
"Where, by Toutatis, are you going!"
"To the village! I'm sick of your constant nagging!"
"MY nagging?!"
"YES, YOURS!"
Vitalstatistix turns on his heel and continues loudly and visibly irritated, "And above all, I'm sick of being constantly compared to your miserable brother!"
He then turns away and disappears towards Getafix's hut, his cloak billowing, followed by his two shield-bearers, who prefer to remain silent about the situation. For once, Imperdimenta knows nothing more to say about her husband's hot-tempered behaviour. But after a short time of astonishment, she turns on her heel and disappears into the hut in a rage. A short time later, her angry screams can be clearly heard from the chief's hut, followed by the clinking sound of splintering crockery...
Meanwhile, Vitalstatistix has arrived at the hut of Getafix, the village's venerable and wise druid.
"It is really unbelievable that I, Vitalstatistix, chief of the tribe of the Invincibles, have to put up with being constantly compared to a simple merchant from Lutetia!"
Visibly annoyed, Vitalstatistix takes a big gulp of Cervisia, which Getafix had offered him a moment before, and then sinks into rage-fuelled silence. Getafix, on the other hand, just smiles at the sight of his old friend, as he already knows enough of Imperdimentas's moods and the resulting quarrels. That's why he doesn't say anything more about it and turns back to making a magic potion, when one of the shield bearers speaks up: "Hey chief, I think something's happened..."
Vitalstatistix and Getafix look at each other in wonder, and then make their way to the centre of the village, where the villagers had already gathered under Cacofonix's tree house, discussing excitedly.
"What, by Teutates and Belisima does this commotion mean?"
Immediately there is silence, and everyone blurts out to their chief, who by now is enthroned on his shield again, looking from there into the round in wonder. But soon he knows what had caused the commotion. Cacofonix, the bard, is sitting at the foot of his tree house and he looks very tired. He clutches his right arm and his cloak is only a red rag.
"By Belenus... Cacofonix, what happened to you?"
"I was walking through the forest, thinking of nothing evil and trying to compose a new ballad, when suddenly the sky darkened above me. I thought the sky was going to fall on my head! But when I came to again from a sudden faint, I found that a boulder had caught me!"
With a pained expression, he raises his arm, which Getafix is bandaging.
"A boulder?"
"A boulder! But that's not all! After I had picked myself up again, I was horrified to discover that my lyre had been broken in that dastardly attack..."
Sadly, Cacofonix shows the pitiful remains of his favourite instrument, but only a few people understand his grief. Least of all FulliFulliautomatix, the blacksmith and great opponent of Cacofonix's singing.
"Well, at least the Romans did something right!"
He laughs out loud, but immediately falls silent when he notices the evil looks of the others.
"Well, what the... As long as it's just the lyre..."
"Unfortunately, it wasn't just the lyre!" says Vitalstatistix now firmly, as he gets off his shield and walks over to Cacofonix.
"How are we supposed to know that the Romans are behind this attack?", Unhygenix, the fishmonger, now interferes.
"Because only the Romans have the machinery to hurl a boulder through the air so large that it injures our bard."
These wise words come from Asterix, the bravest and cleverest warrior in the village.
"What nonsense," says his best friend Obelix, "I can do that too!"
Obelix, who delivers menhirs, fell into a cauldron of magic potion as a small child and has had superhuman strength ever since. Therefore, it is naturally no problem for him to throw a rock.
"All right, Obelix, all right. But one thing is clear: We cannot and will not let this disgrace go unpunished! We'll show these Romans what happens when they attack one of our own!", shouts Vitalstatistix firmly as he resumes his place on the shield.
"We will show the Romans what it means to mess with us! Druid! Brew the magic potion! We're going into battle!"
The chief's suggestion is loudly accepted and soon the men of the village are seen in front of Getafix's hut. Shouting and laughing, the rowdy Gauls await the start of the battle and Getafix finds it hard to stop the crowd from storming his hut in excitement.
"So, children! The potion is ready!"
Immediately a huge commotion breaks out, but Vitalstatistix quickly gets it under control again. And so the Gauls soon stand in a row and let Getafix hand them the famous potion that gives them superhuman strength. It is only thanks to this potion that our friends have been able to stop the Roman armies all these years.
Soon afterwards, the Gauls, led by Vitalstatistix of course, move towards the fortified Roman camp of Compendium. And a short time, a palisade and a garrison of battered Romans later...
"So! Which of you instigated this attack on our bard?"
Vitalstatistix, still standing on his shield, holds the camp's centurion by the collar while the others keep the remaining soldiers... In good spirit.
"I've already told you, it wasn't us! And I don't know who did it either and... Ahhhhhhh!"
Vitalstatistix raises his fist threateningly, causing the Roman to immediately panic.
"All right, all right, I confess!"
Rudely, Vitalstatistix drops the centurion.
"Well, I'm listening?"
"The... The garrison at Aquarium... Received a new catapult from Rome yesterday... But..."
"Good! That's good enough for me. Children! Let's go to Aquarium!"
"To Aquarium!"
"Long live Vitalstatistix!
"Long live our chief!
With shouts of triumph, our Gallic friends set off for the Roman camp of Aquarium. Not without paying a visit to the camps of Laudanum and Totorum. After all, none of the Romans should feel disadvantaged...
"OK children, get ready! Now we're going to pay a surprise visit to the Romans and..."
"I don't think it's going to be a surprise! Look over there, boss!"
Astonished, Vitalstatistix and his men look over to the camp, where the centurion of Aquarium has just marched out of the gates with his legion.
"Well, well! Now the Romans are already coming to meet us to take their beating!"
"They just don't want us to come into the camp! It's so much work rebuilding it!"
Everyone laughs, then Vitalstatistix gives the order to attack and like a herd of wild bulls the Gauls rush towards the Romans trembling with fear. The centurion tries to say something, but he could have saved himself the trouble. And so it is only some time and even more battered Romans later that the (also battered) centurion and Vitalstatistix talk.
"Your colleagues told us that you were responsible for the attack on our bard! So: what was that all about!"
"We... Well... It was... Actually just an exercise..."
"An exercise? Don't make me laugh! Well then, tell your Caesar that we won't tolerate you practising with your war machines in our forest, is that clear?"
"But... But... Caesar is not here..."
"No. But you will be with him in a moment!"
With these words, Vitalstatistix lunges and sends the centurion flying into the clouds with a powerful pine hoe.
"Practice... Like that... Come on children! We're going back to the village!"
"Yes and what about the camp? Is that to remain standing?"
"Hm... No... I don't think so... To the attack!"
Everyone cheers and before long even the fourth Roman camp is nothing but rubble. But in the joy of the battle, no one notices how a small group of Romans appear at the edge of the forest and observe the scene.
"What... What are we going to do!"
"Nothing at all! Or are you so eager to get a beating? Our orders were to hide the catapult and approach the camp inconspicuously when the coast is clear!"
"And it really isn't... Look out! They're coming!"
Quickly the legionnaires cower in the undergrowth as our Gauls enter the forest singing happily. Everyone is in high spirits, only Obelix doesn't seem happy.
"What's wrong Obelix?"
"Hm... I don't know Asterix... Somehow I feel like something was missing from the camp... Something important..."
"Something important? What's supposed to have been missing?"
"I don't know... But it was something important..."
"Oh come on, Obelix! If it had been something important, we would have noticed it!", Asterix now says with a laugh and goes ahead. But Obelix doesn't seem satisfied with this answer, until something occurs to him.
"Hey guys! Shouldn't we celebrate this victory?"
"Obelix! We can't celebrate every skirmish with the Romans with a banquet!"
"But why not?"
"Because... Oh come on you glutton."
Asterix grins and our friends continue on their way back to the village. For his part, Vitalstatistix is in a great mood, after all he had once again shown the Romans who was the boss in the house... I mean... In the forest. But looking around the village, I don't think his good mood will last long... Impedimenta still looks pretty angry...
"But... But ‚Pedimenta!"
Just then Vitalstatistix, who has just returned to the village, is rather rudely kicked out the door by Impedimenta.
"If my nagging gets too much for you, you might as well move out! Preferably to the Romans! You seem to pay more attention to them than to me!"
RUMM! Impedimenta loudly slams the door in her husband's face. And what does he do? At first... Nothing. He stands there, rather crestfallen, but somehow it doesn't seem to be his day. His reticence already turns into anger. He grabs the things his wife has thrown at his feet and sets off in the direction of Asterix's hut. But not without giving free rein to his anger.
"I don't believe it! Who, by Teutates and Belisima, is the chief here! HER OR ME! Well, she'll see what's in it for her! In any case, I won't be showing up at her place again so soon! By Teutates!"
Sssssssssssst... BANG! Something has hit Vitalstatistix so hard on the head that he suddenly finds himself on the ground. He looks around, puzzled...
And discovers a vase lying in a thousand shards. And when he turns around, he sees Impedimenta, who gives him a contemptuous look and then disappears back into the house. But now Vitalstatistix is finally furious! Enraged, he jumps up and shouts with his fist raised towards his hut: "BY TEUTATES AND ALL THE GODS! MAY THE SKY FALL ON YOUR HEAD FOR THIS INSOLENCE".
And as if the gods were doing him a favour the sky suddenly darkens over Vitalstatistix. Startled, he looks up and sees a huge boulder...
A loud crash. Excited screams. In a few minutes the whole village is in an uproar. Getafix immediately starts brewing the magic potion, the women flee to the beach with the children. Some of the men run to the palisade and try to stop the Romans who are suddenly rushing in. And the rest have gathered around the chief's hut, which is in ruins. Only Vitalstatistix is unaware of all this. He stands there transfixed, staring at the spot where his hut stood a minute ago. At the place where he had seen his wife a minute ago...
Like in a dream, everything around him seemed to blur. Only here and there does he notice what is happening around him as he walks towards the ruins of his hut. Some of the men, among them FulliFulliautomatix, are already clearing away the rubble when one of the men suddenly comes out from behind a wooden beam and shouts: "I've found her, quick, come here!"
"He found... her..."
Only now does Vitalstatistix slowly come back to reality. And only now does he realise what has just happened.
"Impedimenta... 'PEDIMENTA!"
Horrified, he runs to the rubble, towards where the others are clearing away some boards. Energetically, Vitalstatistix makes room for himself... Until at last he sees ther.
"Pedimenta..."
Wedged under one of the heavy beams of the hut lies Impedimenta... Motionless.
"What in all the gods have I done..."
"Quick, the potion!"
One of the men runs off and returns a short time later with Getafix and a canteen of magic potion. FulliFulliautomatix and Unhygienix quickly take a sip of it and lift the beam, while another explains to Getafix what has happened. All the while, Vitalstatistix sits next to his wife and holds her hand. Now he clears away the last of the debris, carefully lifts Impedimenta up and carries her out of the rubble. Just then the others return from the battle. Soon, Vitalstatistix and Getafix are surrounded by the villagers. But there is no time to explain.
"Take ther to my hut, Vitalstatistix. I'll join you in a moment."
Vitalstatistix just nods, then turns to go. With compassion, Getafix looks after him. Then he turns to Asterix.
"Quickly Asterix. I need you to go to the forest and get me some fresh mistletoe and some moss."
He hands Asterix his golden sickle. Asterix nods, then sets off with Obelix.
"And hurry up, every minute is precious! And you, go back home. I'll explain everything to you later."
With these words, Getafix sets off for his hut in a hurry.
Dark clouds hang like a veil over the village. The rain falls thickly and here and there the night is lit up by a flash of lightning. The whole village is already asleep, only from one hut does a faint glow of light penetrate into the darkness. In the druid's hut, Vitalstatistix sits in the dim light of a candle and stares into the distance, lost in thought. Getafix stands by the fire and brews a strange-smelling potion. Not a word is spoken and the silence is almost unbearable. But then Vitalstatistix can't stand it any longer.
"Getafix... I must know at last... Please tell me if she will make it. Or if I have lost her forever..."
Full of pain sound the words of the once so proud warrior. And as Getafix turns away from the fire, he sees the chief of the indomitable Gauls sitting in a chair, in tears. His head in his hands, shaken by violent shuffles, Vitalstatistix sits there, a mere shadow of his former self. Getafix looks sadly at his friend, then at Impedimenta. She lies motionless, hardly recognisable that she is still breathing.
"She looks so pale. So fragile..."
The chief's voice is just a whisper in the silence, broken only by the near rumble of thunder.
"You... You haven't answered my question yet..."
Getafix looks silently at the jar in his hands. Slowly he lets the bluish liquid circulate in it while he tries to find the right words. But he has been looking for them for days. Three days have already passed since the Roman attack and since then Vitalstatistix has been sitting by his wife's bed. He hasn't slept a wink and hasn't touched anything edible. He just sits there quietly and watches his wife. Now and then he gently strokes her blond hair, then he takes her hand again and holds it tightly. For three days. Three long days without any improvement. And also three days in which Getafix searches for the words to explain the inevitable...
" Vitalstatistix... I... We need to talk."
Getafix sits down at the table that is in the middle of the room and lit another candle. Vitalstatistix looks at his friend in question, but when he doesn't answer, he sits down opposite him. Silence reigns again for a moment, until Getafix finally breaks the silence.
"Vitalstatistix... I'll be honest with you... I... I did everything I could do, and yet... There was no improvement..."
Silence again. Vitalstatistix trembles with excitement. He already knows exactly what the druid is going to say.
"Vitalstatistix, I... If things don't get better in the next few days with Impedimenta... There's no hope..."
Three days. For three days Vitalstatistix had struggled with the thought of losing his wife and for three days he didn't want it to be true. But now all seemed lost. In just a few seconds his whole world had collapsed...
The sky is still grey over the village of the Indomitable Gauls and the mood is just as grey. After Getafix has informed the villagers about what has happened, it has become strangely quiet in the otherwise lively village. No one knows how to deal with the situation and so they remain silent. And it is precisely this silence that drives Vitalstatistix to despair. But the silence is about to be disturbed, because a wagon is rolling towards the gate...
"Stop, stop right there! No one is allowed to enter the village!"
"Who says so?"
"Orders from the chief."
"Well, tell your chief that he'll be in for a surprise if I'm not let into the village right now! I'm Homoeopatix, from Lutetia and happen to be Impedimenta's brother! So open the gate right now!"
"The brother of Impedimenta? ... Wait a moment!"
The guard rushes off to Getafix's hut to tell his chief about the impending disaster... I mean... Visitor. And as you might expect, he's anything but thrilled...
"By Teutates and Belisima... The gods must be against me..."
Sighing, Vitalstatistix stands up and says, exhausted, "Let in. Alea jacta sund..."
With these Latin words, which incidentally mean 'The die is cast', Vitalstatistix leaves the hut and walks, completely incognito, to the village gate, where Homoeopatix has just got off the wagon with his wife Tapioca. Homoeopatix grins maliciously when he sees his brother-in-law.
"What's the matter, O great chief Vitalstatistix? Did your shield bearers let you down today or are they finally out of breath?"
He laughs, not noticing that Vitalstatistix is not at all upset.
But Tapioca immediately notices that something is wrong.
"What's the matter with you, Vitalstatistix? You look so distressed?"
"Yes, Vitalstatistix, what's the matter? Has the sky fallen on your head?"
Again Homoeopatix bursts out laughing. But this saying of his brother-in-law's is not as easy for Vitalstatistix to take as the previous one. And when he looks at Homoeopatix laughing half to death at his own jokes, he bursts his collar.
"I'll show you who's about to have the sky FALL ON THE HEAD!"
Enraged, Vitalstatistix lunges at his hated brother-in-law and slams his fist into his face with all his might. Tapioca cries out in horror and immediately the villagers run together. Getafix also rushes over and is horrified to see how Vitalstatistix keeps hitting Homoeopatix. He can hardly be calmed down, and if FulliFulliautomatix and Unhygienix hadn't been there immediately to hold their chief, this story would certainly have ended badly.
"By Teutates and all the gods!"
Homoeopatix is slow to get back on his feet and looks at his brothers-in-law, aghast.
"Are you mad, Vitalstatistix?"
Actually these words should sound reproachful and angry, but it seems to me that Homoeopatix has lost some of his courage.
"Don't you dare get cheeky! Otherwise..."
"Stop, stop, Vitalstatistix!"
Only with difficulty do Unhygienix and FulliFulliautomatix manage to hold on to their chief, who was about to pounce on his brother-in-law again.
"I think it's better if we settle this quietly. Come with me to my hut, Homoeopatix, I'll explain everything to you there. And as for you, Vitalstatistix..."
With a serious look he turns to the chief.
"I think it's better if you leave the village for a while to calm down..."
"Me and leave the village! Not one step will I take out of this gate, by Teutates!"
But when he sees the Druid's determined look, Vitalstatistix tears himself away from his guards and, snorting with rage, leaves the village for the forest. Getafix watches him go for a moment longer, then turns to Homoeopatix and Galantine.
"Come on, you two. There is much to explain..."
"And... And you can do nothing for ther?"
Horrified, Homoeopatix looks at the druid after he has told him about the events of the past few days. Sadly, Getafix shakes his head.
"I have tried everything... Now only the gods can help..."
"I can't believe it... Why... Why didn't you destroy the catapult when you attacked the camps?"
"Well... I wasn't there during the attacks. But I can well imagine that the Romans had moved the catapult to safety before..."
"And no one noticed?!"
"Well... Once they're in the throes of battle, our Gauls forget everything else..."
"FORGET!"
Homoeopatix jumps up angrily.
"How can you forget such a thing! Surely this is the fault of your useless wannabe-chieftain! If I get my hands on him then I'll..."
"Then you will WHAT?"
Startled, Homoeopatix whirls around and spots Vitalstatistix standing in the doorway with his arms crossed and his face contorted in anger.
"Weren't you about to say something, dear brother-in-law?"
"Well, I..."
"NOW LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY, YOU PUFFED-UP METROPOLITAN GAUL!"
Furious, Vitalstatistix walks towards his brother-in-law, who immediately moves to safety on the other side of the table. Vitalstatistix stares angrily at him and as he continues to speak his voice quivers with anger.
"We have torn apart every Roman camp in the area and after we knew who was responsible for the attack on our bard, we set off straight for the Aquarium camp to show them what we think of their 'exercises'.
But when we arrived there, the Romans were already coming towards us, which surprised us quite a bit. But that was all over very quickly and we went back to the village. Admittedly... We had forgotten the catapult in all the excitement...
But who, by Toutatis, could have guessed that those damned Romans would be so brave as to attack us after this defeat!"
Vitalstatistix props his hands on the table and looks at his brother-in-law with a sparkle of anger in his eyes. But the great chief is no longer as strong as he was a few minutes ago. The whole thing was really getting to him and Getafix is beginning to worry. He is also now watching Vitalstatistix closely, who has now dropped into a chair with a sigh.
"My men later destroyed the catapult when the Romans launched the surprise attack. But it was too late for Impedimenta by then..."
Homoeopatix looks at him silence. He never liked Vitalstatistix that much, but now, seeing him sitting there in such utter despair, he almost feels sorry for him. He himself was also very worried about Impedimenta, but he hadn't known until that day that Vitalstatistix loved her so much. There is silence for a moment, then Homoeopatix went over to his brother-in-law and puts a hand on his shoulder in friendship. Vitalstatistix looks up in amazement.
"Vitalstatistix, I... I'm sorry... I don't think we should be arguing in this difficult time. She wouldn't want that..."
Sadly he looks over to Impedimenta. Vitalstatistix follows his gaze and says nothing for a moment, then stands up and looks at his brother-in-law with a serious expression.
"I think you are right... Let's forget our quarrels. For now."
He extends his hand to Homoeopatix with a smile and the two adversaries seal the peace with a handshake.
Dawn over the village. Only slowly does the sunlight fight its way through the morning fog and only slowly does everyday life begin in the village.
Or rather... The daily madness.
The reconciliation of Vitalstatistix and Homoeopatix has spread surprisingly quickly and so the mood in the village is not quite so gloomy any more. Even Cacofonix, who had been silent for the last few days, now raises his voice again to sing an ode to Lug, the god of medicine, so that Impedimenta will soon be well. But this well-intentioned plan is much to the annoyance of Fulliautomatix, who is so shocked by the sudden vocal performance that he has dropped his blacksmith's hammer on his foot. He is limping towards Cacofonix's tree house with an axe on his shoulder.
"Cacofonix! Stop that screeching at once!"
"Screeching? You art philistine! This is my latest creation! An ode to the god of healing!"
"Stop it, or the god of healing will have a hearing loss!"
"Pfff!"
Casting a contemptuous glance at the village blacksmith, the despised artist disappears into his hut and Fulliautomatix turns to his workshop with a confident look of victory. But the silence does not last long and already another verse of the latest creation is heard and this one is even more penetrating than the previous one. And this time it is so nerve-wracking that an uproar rises in the village. Fulliautomatix, meanwhile, drops his axe to cover his ears, deciding to protect the deities from harm and put an end to this generally unwanted disturbance of the peace. And so, a moment later, the melodic sound of axe blows rings through the village.
"What on earth..."
Cacofonix stops singing in amazement as he notices the shaking of his hut, but before he can really comprehend what is happening, a shout rings out from outside: "Bard fall!"
And already the tree, together with Cacofonix and his hut, is falling to the ground.
A crash shatters the morning silence, followed by a number of rude words from Cacofonix, which I don't want to go into detail here.
Just at this moment Vitalstatistix leaves Getafix's hut. He looks battered and completely exhausted, having once again not slept a wink this night. Now he sets off in the direction of his hut, from where the sound of hammering can be heard. And sure enough, Unhygienix and some other men are working hard to rebuild their chiefs's hut. Vitalstatistix is astonished at this energy.
"Good morning, chief!"
"Good morning. What... What's going on here?"
"Well, what does it look like?"
Vitalstatistix grins, then, pointing over his shoulder, asks, "What happened to Cacofonix's hut?"
"Oh that. He tried to sing a new ode this morning. Only he got Fulliautomatix off on the wrong foot with it..."
"Haha! Very funny!"
Just then the blacksmith comes limping up to the site, watching the work as he leans on his blacksmith's hammer.
"Do you still need help?"
"Actually, I do. But you're indisposed today. Not to say 'footsore'!"
Unhygienix bends with laughter and Fulliautomatix is already taking out his hammer when a shout is heard from the sentry.
"Chief! A Gallic chiefain and his entourage are asking to be admitted!
"A Gaulish chieftain?"
Immediately Vitalstatistix calls his shield bearers to him and a little later the whole village, with the exception of Getafix, is at the gate to greet the unexpected guest.
And Vitalstatistix is very surprised when he sees who has announced himself there.
"Egoistix..."
But a moment later Vitalstatistix becomes suspicious.
The appearance of this chief doesn't bode well...
A sturdy Gaul with blond hair, which, like Vitalstatistix, he wears tied in two plaits, stands in front of the gate. With his head held high, he stands on his shield, which is carried by four grumpy-looking bearers, and from there he looks down on Vitalstatistix and the other villagers. His muscular torso is covered only by his cape and a magnificent sword adorned with diamonds hangs from his belt. He looks around once more, then, feigning friendliness, begins a conversation:
"Vitalstatistix, old friend! How nice to see you..."
"Don't you dare say another word, Egoistix! You'll regret it!"
"Now, now Vitalstatistix! Are you still holding a grudge? Let's forget the old quarrels. After all... I want peace in my villages."
"In your villages? And what does all this have to do with you showing up here?"
"Well... After all, this village will soon be mine..."
The stranger looks at the puzzled Vitalstatistix for a moment, then builds himself up on his shield, draws his sword and shouts, "Vitalstatistix! I hereby challenge you to a battle of the chieftains!"
Taken completely by surprise, Vitalstatistix takes a step back... And falls rehearsing from his shield.
"What... What do you want?"
"To challenge you! I haven't been to Gaul for a long time and now I'm here to finally pay you back for what you did to me!"
Furious, the stranger looks at Vitalstatistix, who has just picked himself up, but now looks puzzled at the chieftain.
"What I did to you... Wait!"
He mounts his shield again, and as Vitalstatistix now continues to speak, he sounds very annoyed, "What I did to you? As I recall it was YOU who abandoned ME at the Battle of Gergovia, or should I be mistaken?"
"I went for help when I saw you were in danger! But then the Romans captured me and took me to the eastern border of the Roman Empire, where I have spent the last few years toiling as a slave! And YOU did nothing!"
Furious, Egoistix points his sword at Vitalstatistix, but he is in no way intimidated.
"I did nothing because I knew nothing of your situation!"
"Pahh! I sent you a message through my people asking for your help! Or are you now telling me that you never received the message?"
"Exactly that! And even if I had, I would never have given such a coward as you..."
"ENOUGH! In three days the battle will take place! Prepare for your defeat, Vitalstatistix!"
With these words, Egoistix orders them to turn back and soon he and his men have disappeared into the nearby forest.
A little later the villagers have gathered, because now they all want to know what this foreign chief is all about. Vitalstatistix sighs. Actually, he has little desire to remember the past, but he has little choice.
"The whole thing began shortly before the Battle of Gergovia, I'm sure you remember...
A messenger had brought me the news of the battle planned by Vercingetorix and we prepared everything for the battle. Shortly beforehand, some warriors from other villages joined us on the way to Gergovia. Among them was my brother. And Egoistix..."
We are in the year 52 BC.
There is a huge commotion in the small, familiar Gaulish village. Some warriors from other Gaulish villages have just arrived and they are getting ready to set off for Gergovia.
Carts are loaded, horses are saddled, here and there you see some fighters checking their weapons once more. The village chief Vitalstatistix and his brother Doublehelix stand a little apart.
"So now the time has come... Soon the battle will begin that will decide the well-being of all Gaul..."
Vitalstatistix, who a few days ago had been eagerly anticipating the day of departure, now seems a little nervous after all.
Doublehelix looks at his brother for a moment, then says with a laugh, "What's the matter Vitalstatistix. You're not suddenly afraid of battle, are you?"
"Nonsense! It's just..."
"Well, what? Admit it, you're panicking! But don't worry, little brother, I will..."
He pulls Vitalstatistix towards him and holds him in a headlock.
"…take good care of you!"
"Doublehelix! Cut the crap!" exclaims Vitalstatistix, playfully indignant, and punches his brother in the side, who of course immediately accepts the challenge. And already a friendly friction is underway, but it is ever interrupted when another warrior arrives in the village.
Standing on a shield held by four bearers, a blond warrior enters the village and looks around calmly. Then he says, almost condescendingly, "Is this Vitalstatistix's village?"
"Yes, it is...", Vitalstatistix now says, his voice sounding a little depressed as Doublehelix is still holding him in a headlock while he surveys the newcomer in complete bewilderment. Only when Vitalstatistix starts to struggle violently does he realise what's going on and lets go of his brother, who is gasping for breath.
"Oh... Sorry Vitalstatistix, I didn't mean it..."
"It's all right..."
The stranger looks condescendingly at Vitalstatistix, then looks around the village once more before leaping light-footedly from the shield and walking towards Vitalstatistix.
"Nice little village... A bit small though... But quite nice..."
Doublehelix looks from the stranger to Vitalstatistix, who is visibly trying not to say anything wrong. But then he seems to have calmed down again and says casually: "May I ask who you are?"
"Egoistix."
That's all the stranger says as he smiles at the women of the village who have gathered curiously. And the young women seem to have nothing against the stranger...
"Egoistix... Forgive me for asking, but... Is your village so much bigger than this one that you call it small?"
Doublehelix now wants to get to the bottom of it after all. Egoistix, however, takes his time with the answer, looks around again and then says quite naturally: "Well... My main village is about twice the size of this one... And so are my three other villages..."
"Three others?"
Now neither Vitalstatistix nor Doublehelix know what to say, but fortunately for them, Getafix is just approaching the group, welcoming the stranger to the village and showing him to his quarters. For the journey to Gergovia was not due to start until very early the next morning. And so Vitalstatistix and Doublehelix stand there, somewhat perplexed, looking at Getafix, who has meanwhile started talking to Egoistix.
"Somehow I don't like that guy..."
"You're not the only one..."
Vitalstatistix soon makes a fist, but his brother immediately placates him, "Well, let's see. Maybe we're wrong about this Egoistix. Let's wait and see."
"As you usually do. But I don't really trust it..."
The next morning starts early. The sun is still barely visible on the horizon and thick clouds of mist envelop the landscape as the village is already bustling with activity. All the warriors have gathered, the horses and wagons are ready and everything is just waiting for Vitalstatistix. He stands a little apart and talks to a blond Gaulish woman. Now he says goodbye to her and goes to his people. Now he looks around once more, then climbs onto his shield and announces loudly:
"Dear comrades in arms, in this grave hour, when not only the entire free world, but also our beloved Gaul, our beloved aremorican villages, our beloved women, ..."
At this sentence he looks to the gaulish woman who now turns away with tears in her eyes. Egoistix grins. But Vitalstatistix does not notice this and continues his speech undeterred.
"...our beloved culture - yes, I say our beloved harmony-filled way of life - is threatened by the Roman Wolf, with his unbridled, all-consuming greed for new conquests, for subjugation and strife, and we are threatened with being abandoned to enslavement and disenfranchisement, we must not lose heart and confidence, but must remember the good Gallic virtues - our discipline, our unity and above all our steadfastness! Therefore, let us turn ploughshares into swords and sickles into spears, let us take up arms together to defeat the invader not only for ourselves but also on behalf of all those who are unable to fight for themselves..."
Rumble! Vitalstatistix has barely uttered the call to take up swords when he is already lying on the ground, as his shield-bearers have of course immediately taken up their non-existent swords. But while Vitalstatistix is still thinking of the right words to express his anger, Egoistix takes the floor and shouts: "Let's go to battle!
This proposal is accepted with a roar and soon the warriors are on their way to Gergovia. Vitalstatistix, however, is extremely disgruntled and even Doublehelix can do little about it, no matter how much he tries to cheer his brother up with good words. He soon gives up and joins a few warriors marching in the middle of the procession.
The Gauls are on the road for several days until they finally arrive at Gergovia, where they are already expected. A group of Gauls meets the newcomers and after they have fought their way to the city, they are warmly welcomed.
It is already late in the evening when the warriors gather in the centre of the city. A fire is lit, wild boar is roasted and plenty is drunk. Everyone is looking forward to tomorrow, when Vercingetorix will lead the Gauls into battle.
Vitalstatistix and his brother are sitting a little apart from the action. Doublehelix can hardly wait for the battle, but Vitalstatistix seems nervous.
"What's the matter with you? You couldn't wait for the battle either and now you're sitting there like death itself is breathing down your neck."
"In a way it is..."
Vitalstatistix stares into the flames, lost in thought.
"Don't worry about it. You'll show those Romans how a Gaul fights tomorrow and return to your village with your head held high. And..."
"And if not...?"
Startled, Doublehelix looks at his brother.
"What... What do you mean?"
"What if... If I don't come back? What will happen to the village and...
And Impedimenta..."
Doublehelix still doesn't know what to say when suddenly Egoistix approaches and sits down with the two.
"Hey, hey, what's the matter with you? You look like seven days of rain.
And yet it's been raining for a whole two weeks!"
He grins, but soon realises that no one is really paying attention to him. He looks from Vitalstatistix to Doublehelix and then says seriously.
"I overheard what you were just discussing."
Vitalstatistix looks up, startled, but Egoistix calms him down immediately.
"Don't worry, this will stay between us, of course. And to be honest... I can understand you quite well."
He puts a hand on Vitalstatistix's shoulder amicably.
"I felt the same way a few years ago. I went out to challenge a chief to a fight who was known to be extremely brutal. At that time I also left my wife behind without knowing if I would ever return..."
Vitalstatistix looks at Egoistix in wonder.
"But... You did return, after all."
"I am. But she wasn't there anymore. She had left the village because she didn't believe that I would win. I heard she married some rich merchant from Lutetia. But that doesn't matter. The important thing is that you don't have to worry. I'm sure we'll be victorious in tomorrow's battle. And we will return as glorious heroes!"
Egoistix looks at Vitalstatistix and Doublehelix and they both laugh.
"I think you're right, Egoistix. We'll show the Romans what it means to mess with us. There. I'm going to get some more of that delicious boar."
"Doublehelix! That's your third helping!"
"So what? Who knows when we'll next get something decent to chew on!"
With those words he disappears and Vitalstatistix and Egoistix are left alone.
"Tell me... Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"That woman you were talking to in the village, Impedimenta, are you actually married to her?"
"No. But I promised to marry her as soon as I got back. Why do you ask?"
"Oh... No reason. I had a little talk with her... Nothing in particular, just so. And I must say, you made a great catch there."
Vitalstatistix laughs.
"Yeah, you're right about that. So. I'm going to hit the hay. The next day starts early. Good night then."
"Good night."
Egoistix looks at Vitalstatistix. But when he has disappeared, Egoistix says quietly: "I think your fears about your return are not unfounded..."
Battle cries. Clang of weapons. Hooves stamping.
The sound of war resounds far over the hills surrounding Gergovia. Fearlessly the Gauls charge towards the Roman hosts, their swords and shields gleaming in the sun of the dawning day. And in the lead, on a white horse, with drawn sword and flowing hair, rides Vercingetorix. The hooves of his horse kick up the sand of the hill, the wind that blows over Gergovia makes the mane of the horse and the blond hair of Vercingetorix blow, and where the sword of the Averner king meets a Roman, he sinks to the ground and his troops shout and cheer all the louder the more Romans fall at the hands of Vercingetorix.
But soon the ranks break up, the orderly fight turns into a wild battle and all overview is gone. Gauls bravely fight their way through the ranks of the enemy, not caring for their own lives, only with the thought of fighting for the freedom of their country and their people.
Doublehelix, Vitalstatistix and Egoistix also strike relentlessly at the attackers, each watching the other's back. But suddenly a new legion of Romans rushes in and forces the fighters apart, but some Gauls also rush in to keep the Romans at bay. The battle continues without mercy, when Vitalstatistix and Egoistix suddenly find themselves surrounded by Romans alone. Doublehelix and some other men have been pushed aside and are desperately trying to help their comrades, but the Romans' superior numbers are too strong. And the circle of Roman soldiers closes ever tighter around Egoistix and Vitalstatistix.
Egoistix stares in horror at the superior force, but Vitalstatistix refuses to be intimidated. Bravely he raises his sword and charges towards the Romans, who in turn return the attack. Again and again he strikes his sword into the ranks of the enemy, again and again the Romans recoil, only to attack again the next moment. And the circle closes...
Egoistix looks around in horror for a way to get through this battle alive. But then a thought seems to occur to him, as he looks first at the Romans, then at Vitalstatistix, grinning wickedly...
Doublehelix, meanwhile, is desperately trying to get to his brother, who is getting more and more into trouble. And meanwhile nobody notices that Egoistix is running away...
The battle seems hopeless. The Romans attack Vitalstatistix from all sides, and he can hardly defend himself. Then a cry. Doublehelix is horrified to see his brother fall to the ground...
For a moment, time seems to stand still. Doublehelix stares in horror at the Gaul lying on the ground, unable to do anything. But then rage rises up in him. With a loud battlecrie, he and his men charge at the Romans, knocking down anyone who comes too close, until he finally stands by his brother's side.
"Take care of your brother Doublehelix, we'll keep the Romans at bay!" one of the Gaulish warriors shouts. Doublehelix just nods, then turns to his brother.
"Vitalstatistix! Wait I'll help you!"
"It's alright, it's just... A scratch..."
With difficulty Vitalstatistix stands up and holds his shoulder. One of the Romans has given him a deep wound, but Vitalstatistix won't back down. Already he is gripping his sword again.
„Vitalstatistix! I was told to take you to a Druid who..."
"Hey! I'm here to fight not to sit around with a druid somewhere!" Vitalstatistix sounds annoyed, but when he sees his brother's worried face he says placatingly, "I'm fine, don't worry. Now let's get those damned Romans out of our country!"
"Here's to Gaul being ours again!"
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Vercingetorix has appeared. He, too, already bears the marks of battle, but still he bravely fights his way through the enemy ranks. For a moment the three warriors look at each other, then they charge off together to fight for the freedom of Gaul. For their freedom...
"And... And what happened then?"
The sun is already low on the horizon and still the Gauls are gathered in the village to hear Vitalstatistix's tale.
"We were victorious. The battle went on for a long time, but we were victorious. And now..."
And without saying anything else, Vitalstatistix leaves the square...
"What... What's he got?"
"I think he's told us enough."
Everyone looks at Getafix, who has just joined them.
"But what had become of Egoistix?"
"I think only he knows. But enough of that, surely you have other things to do, haven't you?"
And as if on cue, everyone goes their separate ways to do what they have missed so far.
And what have Egoistix and his people done in the meantime? Well... Let's take a look at the forest where Egoistix's people have set up camp and... But what is it? The camp is deserted. And in the soft forest floor there are clearly many footprints leading to the Roman camp Aquarium...
There Egoistix is standing in front of the centurion of Aquarium, chained up by the Romans. And he seems to be having a good laugh about something...
"You have... You actually challenged the dreadful Vitalstatistix? I'm laughing my head off!"
"I don't quite see what's so funny about that..."
"The fact that someone would willingly give up their villages! Everyone knows Vitalstatistix is invincible!"
Now an Optio approaches the Centurion and whispers something to him. The centurion grins.
"I've just heard, my dear Egoistix, that you haven't been in Gaul for a long time and therefore probably haven't noticed what your opponent's invincibility is all about. But I'm in a good mood today, so I'll explain it to you:
The druid Getafix, who lives in the village of the Indomitable Gauls, brews a magic potion that gives him superhuman strength. That's why it's impossible to defeat Vitalstatistix."
The centurion grins maliciously, then says with a throwing away gesture: "But that's your business... Release the Gauls! After all, we want to have some fun for once!"
The whole camp erupts in peals of laughter as Egoistix and his men return to their camp in the forest.
Once there, the warriors confront their chief.
"Chief, what are we going to do now! If this potion really exists..."
"Well, if this potion really exists..."
Suddenly Egoistix grinned nastily.
"I think I have an idea..."
Egoistix's people look questioningly at their chief, but he only says, still grinning: "Wait until tomorrow..."
And so night finally settles over Gaul. And there are only two days left until the great battle of the chieftains.
The village of the indomitable lies peacefully in the morning mist. Slowly, the sun pushes through the clouds and animates Chanticleerix, the village rooster, to his morning wake-up call. And a short time later the little village comes to life. Unhygienix prepares his fresh fish for sale, Fulliautomatix stokes the fire in his forge and Cacofonix tunes his lyre, not bothered by Fulliautomatix's evil glances. Vitalstatistix is already on his feet and sets off from his hut, rebuilt with the help of the villagers, to find Getafix. But as soon as he gets there, he meets him.
"Vitalstatistix! Good of you to come!"
"Getafix, what's the matter? Is something wrong with 'Pedimenta?"
Panic is written all over the big chief's face, but Getafix waves it off.
"No, no, it's something else."
"Do you have to scare me like that then?!"
"Please forgive me. It's about the battle the day after tomorrow and the..."
"Chief! Chief!" One of the guards comes rushing towards the two.
"Egoistix wants to see you!"
"Egoistix? I don't like this..."
Vitalstatistix looks at Getafix, who shakes his head suspiciously.
"I have a very bad feeling about that too..."
Only a little later the two adversaries are facing each other.
"You wanted to see me, Egoistix?"
"Well... I wanted to drop by again... Just to see how much space there is here... For any remodeling work that needs to be done when I..."
"STOP ACTING LIKE YOU ALREADY OWN THIS VILLAGE!"
"Now, now, Vitalstatistix. Why so indignant? You should have come to terms with that fact by now. Have you told Impedimenta that I'm going to be chief soon? I'm sure she'll be delighted..."
Egoistix looks at Vitalstatistix dismissively.
"Leave Impedimenta out of this, or else..."
Vitalstatistix angrily reaches for his sword.
"Or else what? Are you threatening me with something? My good Vitalstatistix... You wouldn't stand a chance against me..."
"So? Well, apparently you haven't heard why we're called the Indomitable, or the Invincible Gauls?"
"Yes, yes, I heard about something like a magic potion. And looking around here..."
He lets a disparaging glance glide over the assembled villagers.
"...you are also in dire need of such a potion... But somehow I was thinking something like this..."
"What did you think?"
"That you would fight with such means."
"What are you trying to say?" growls Vitalstatistix angrily, where his grip on his sword noticeably tightens.
"Oh Vitalstatistix, don't pretend you don't know! Look at yourself! You wouldn't stand a chance in battle against me for even a few minutes without that potion. Or am I mistaken?"
Egoistix looked at his people who acknowledged their chief's speech with loud laughter.
"But to move on to something else... You wouldn't happen to be planning to leave the village after your defeat, would you? I mean... Impedimenta deserves better and I could imagine taking her to Lutetia. Only I don't see what you..."
"That's enough! You really think you've won, don't you? But you won't get this village! And if you think I couldn't fight without a potion, you're sorely mistaken!"
"Vitalstatistix! Don't push it!"
Getafix tries to stop the chief from saying something wrong, but he won't be stopped.
"I DON'T NEED A MAGIC POTION TO DEFEAT YOU!
I will fight without the potion! By Teutates!"
With these words he reaches out his hand to Egoistix, sealing this oath.
And the fate of the Indomitable Gauls...
It is quiet in the village for a long time, even when Egoistix and his men have long since disappeared. Everyone stares at Vitalstatistix, who strokes his hair thoughtfully. Then he looks at his people.
"Don't worry, children. Egoistix will wish he had never come here after the fight!"
With these words he puts his helmet back on, gets off his shield and disappears into his hut. For no one should see his worried expression...
A little later, Getafix comes to the chief's hut to confront him. And Vitalstatistix silently accepts the thunderstorm.
"How dare you try to fight Egoistix without a magic potion! Are you deserted by all good spirits?
"Well... I admit... I may have been a little hasty..."
"A little? Well you're good! What do you think will happen when you get into the ring the day after tomorrow?"
"Are you saying that even you, Getafix, don't think I could win without a magic tank?!"
"Well, I..."
"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!"
Vitalstatistix jumps up angrily.
"I'm going to fight Egoistix and defeat him and I'm going to do it WITHOUT a potion!
I'll prove to you that I'm rightfully chieftain of this village!
BY TEUTATES!"
And with these words Vitalstatistix leaves his hut and Getafix, who shakes his head sadly.
"If only this goes well. If only this goes well..."
For the rest of the day Vitalstatistix seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth. But if we take a look into the forest and into a small clearing, we will discover him. He is busy exercising. With thick bandages wrapped around his hands, Vitalstatistix takes out his rage on a straw-covered tree. Again and again he strikes, now he lunges for a mighty blow and hits the bale of straw with such force that the straw flies to all sides. Exhausted, the chief leans on the tree and struggles for breath for a moment, then he pulls himself together and looks up to continue training when he suddenly falters. His gaze falls on the part of the tree bark exposed by the blow. For a moment he seems undecided, then he plucks the remaining straw aside and runs his fingers over a carving in the wood.
Suddenly the proud warrior seems to have lost all strength, he leans back against the tree and lets himself sink to the ground. Then he puts his head on his knees and remains like that while the sun slips over the edge of the earth on the horizon.
And there is only one day left until the great battle of the chieftains...
Fog lies on the meadows and fields, the morning dew drips from the branches of the trees and the first birds greet the new day. Everything seems as idyllic as ever. But...
"You can't do this, Vitalstatistix!"
"We don't want Egoistix as chieftain!"
"You've got to take the potion, Chief!"
There's a crowd of people outside the chief's hut and they're all talking loudly at the chieftain. The chief looks sadly from one to the other, then asks for silence. He is silent for a moment, then says calmly:
"You can do what you want, I will fight, and I will fight WITHOUT the magic potion. If you don't like it..."
Slowly he walks through the crowd towards the gate.
"...Then, since you can't vote me out now, I guess you'll have to find another village. You still have time..."
With these words he disappears towards the forest to find his training place. The villagers watch him silently.
In the meantime, in the camp of the Egoistix...
"Say, chief... Aren't you going to train at all?"
Just then, one of the Gauls brings his chief a roasted wild boar, while the latter is lolling on a cosy camp.
"Why exert yourself unnecessarily? I'm winning anyway... So..."
Perfectly calm, Egoistix takes a bite from his boar. His people look at him questioningly, but don't dare to say anything.
Vitalstatistix, meanwhile, has reached his place in the clearing. He looks around briefly, then gets ready for his training. The tree where he trained before is still exactly as he left it. The straw is scattered all over the ground, and only a few scraps are still hanging from the ropes that were used to attach the straw to the tree. And while Vitalstatistix is training his strength on another tree, a strong wind goes through the trees and carries away the last straws. Now the carving finally becomes visible on the trunk of the tree:
Tant que tu es avec moi, tout est simple...
(As long as you are with me, everything is simple...)
Long ago, the sun disappeared on the horizon. The last day before the battle is over. Was this the last day of the 'indomitable'? Who knows...
The Romans have set up the battle ring in the square in front of the forest surrounding the village and, as in the last battle of the chieftains, many travelling barbarians have gathered to earn their sesterces. Everywhere there is deep silence, even in the camp of Egoistix and his people everything is already asleep. And in the village? Well...
All the inhabitants of the village have gathered. They've been discussing Vitalstatistix's words all day. Now it seems a decision has been made.
Just then, Cacofonix speaks up.
"Well... I'm sure it hasn't been easy for any of us, but... After the last vote, the decision has been made. We..."
"So you have decided."
Startled, everyone turns to the gate. There stands Vitalstatistix, perfectly calm, as if he had already known what the decision would be.
"Well... Vitalstatistix, don't get us wrong, you... you're an excellent fighter..."
"And a super chief!"
"Of course, of course, but..."
"But I don't seem to have your confidence, despite everything."
Silence falls. They all look at the ground. Vitalstatistix sighs.
"Very well... You have made up your minds. And if it is best for the village... So be it."
With these words, the chief disappears into his hut. Still the Gauls stand saddened in the village square.
"I fear," Unhygienix now says, "we have made a mistake..."
And so night falls over Gaul.
A cockcrow shatters the silence of the night and the first rays of sunlight fall on the battlefield. The day of the great battle has begun.
People are streaming in from all sides, as the Romans have immediately set everything in motion so that all the surrounding villages and towns will know about this battle.
"The more spectators," says the centurion from Aquarium to his colleagues from the other three camps, "the greater the shame for the loser!"
"And it won't be me!"
Standing proudly on his shield, Egoistix and his entourage enter the square.
The centurion of Aquarium laughs.
"You don't still believe you could win against Vitalstatistix, do you?"
"I not only believe it, I know it. Because he'll fight without the potion."
And without even glancing at the completely bewildered Romans, Egoistix passes by, heading for the tent that has been set up for him near the ring.
Silence still reigns in the village of the indomitable. Not a soul is to be seen, not even a child. Only Vitalstatistix stands lonely in front of his hut. Sadly he hangs his head.
"If no one believes in my victory anyway, why am I fighting at all..."
Completely despondent, the once proud chief stands there when he suddenly looks up. Getafix is just coming towards him.
"Vitalstatistix... Come along my friend."
Without saying anything else, he leads the stunned Vitalstatistix to his hut...
Where all the villagers are waiting for him. Vitalstatistix looks from one to the other.
"The villagers have something to tell you..."
"Well... we... We wanted to... Wish you good luck in your battle... Chieftain."
With these words, the Gauls make their way to Vitalstatistix's shield-bearers, who have Vercingetorix's shield at the ready.
"You... You are staying, then?"
"Of course!" exclaims Obelix.
"Or did you think otherwise?"
"We're sorry we doubted you, Vitalstatistix. We realised that you would do anything for our village. And if you think you can fight this battle without a potion... Then we believe you can."
Vitalstatistix doesn't know what to say. He looks from one to the other once more, then steps onto his shield. The chief of the Indomitable is greeted with loud cheers. Getafix looks smilingly at the Gauls, who are now making their way to the battlefield with loud shouts. Even Homoeopatix doesn't want to miss the fight and joins the villagers.
"There you go." the druid says with a grin after the others have left the village.
"Go then."
With that he goes back into his hut, but no sooner is he in the doorway than he stops, completely surprised and rooted to the spot.
"Impedimenta..."
"In the left corner: The Chieftain of the Indomitable Gauls. The unbeaten one to date: Vitalstatistix!"
Loud cheers echo across the meadow as the Roman referee announces the chief of our Gaulish friends.
"And in the right corner, his challenger. Chieftain of four Gaulish villages, Egoistix!"
No less loudly do the other Gauls cheer their chieftain.
"Get ready for battle!"
Visibly nervous, Vitalstatistix hands his weapons belt and cape to Asterix. And he too seems worried as he now takes another look at his opponent.
"Vitalstatistix... I know you don't like to hear this, but wouldn't it be better if you at least had a little..."
"Asterix! I'll say it for the last time: No magic potion! Not only would I be breaking my oath... I won't even need the potion!"
"Are you so sure?"
Egoistix looks sardonically at Vitalstatistix, flexing his muscles expertly.
"Stop showing off, Egoistix. It won't do you any good here. And besides...
It didn't work in Gergovia either..."
"Better not make too big a speech, my best! It won't do you any good otherwise!"
With these words, Egoistix turns to one of his men to hand him his weapon belt and cape. And at that moment Vitalstatistix is struck dumb.
"Pretty, isn't it?"
Egoistix looks over his shoulder at the completely shocked Vitalstatistix.
"Take a good look, Vitalstatistix! I have you to thank for these scars!"
All over Egoistix's back are thick scars that appear to be the result of violent lashes. Vitalstatistix stands there stunned for a moment, then comes to his senses.
"Believe what you want, but you brought this on yourself. After all, you did end up a prisoner after your cowardly escape from the battlefield, didn't you?"
Egoistix stares angrily at his opponent, but before he can say anything else, the referee re-enters the ring and loudly announces: "In combat, the following rules apply: All punches are allowed! If one of the fighters goes down, he is considered defeated if he does not get back on his feet within 10 seconds. The defeated person submits to the winner with his tribe according to the old, Gallic rules. Everyone now goes to their corner, and at the sound of the trumpet the fight begins. May the best man win!"
For a moment there is breathless silence. The referee raises his hand. The trumpeter gets ready...
The hand is lowered, the trumpet signal sounds. Immediately there is a huge uproar, each side cheers for its chieftain.
The great battle has begun...
Blow after blow, slash to slash. No one gives anything to the other, the blows are of brutal force and neither fighter wants to let go. But although it looks as if both opponents are equally strong, it becomes apparent as the fight progresses that one of the two is neglecting his guard more and more. The counter-attacks are also weakening and he is faltering more and more. Now the opponent starts to strike, he takes a swing and hits. His opponent staggers dangerously, but catches himself once more. But the next blow follows, directly to the chest. The victim sinks to his knees, gasps for breath. And as soon as he touches the ground, the referee is on the spot and mercilessly begins to count.
"One..."
The crowd goes wild, and one side tries to cheer their chief with all its might.
"Two..."
"Don't give up, by Teutates!"
"Three..."
"By Belenus, you can do it!"
"Four..."
"Fight for us, Vitalstatistix!"
"Five..."
With a sneer, Egoistix looks at the one kneeling on the ground.
"Give it up Vitalstatistix! You've already lost!
"That... That's what you think!"
Gasping, Vitalstatistix straightens up, sways for another moment, then builds himself up in front of his opponent again.
"You'll have to try harder than that to beat me!"
With these words Vitalstatistix gives Egoistix, who for a moment was completely perplexed, a good rake on the chin.
"Bravo, Vitalstatistix!"
"Long live Vitalstatistix, our chieftain!"
And so the fight goes on, blow for blow, slash to slash. But while Vitalstatistix is gasping for breath, Egoistix doesn't seem the least bit exhausted. He takes his opponent's blows in his stride and the more Vitalstatistix loses strength, the more Egoistix's power seems to increase. And again Vitalstatistix fails to ward off the other's blows. A punch to the stomach, a left hook to the chest, a right to the face...
"I will defeat you..."
Vitalstatistix can't hold on any longer, slumps down completely powerless and finally hits the boards of the ring with full force...
"Your village is mine..."
Vitalstatistix lies motionless, the fate of our Gallic friends seems finally sealed.
"And not only your village will be mine... Impedimenta too!"
And while the referee counts Vitalstatistix out, Egoistix turns to his people, "I have won! With this, the fifth Gallic village is mine!"
Cries of jubilation fill the air as the indomitable stare stunned at the ring where the referee counts down the final seconds.
And so no one notices that two more villagers are approaching the battlefield...
Blackness surrounds him. He hears the shouts and screams of the crowd only as distant murmurs.
"Is it over?"
Thoughts circle in his head like the eagle over the meadows of Gaul.
"Have I lost for good? ... Forgive me, my friends. And you, Impedimenta..."
Suddenly it seems to him that a familiar voice can be heard in the crowd of murmurs.
"You must not give up!"
"This... This can't be..."
With difficulty he tries to pull his senses together, he turns his head in the direction of the voice, opens his eyes...
At the edge of the square, on a small hill, she stands. Supported by Getafix, she stands there and looks stunned at the picture that presents itself to her. And tears run down her cheeks.
"'Pedimenta..."
Vitalstatistix tries to sit up, to mobilise the last of his strength. And the last seconds of freedom for the Indomitable Gauls are running...
"I am the winner! I alone!"
Suddenly a murmur goes through the crowd. Confused, Egoistix looks around...
And freezes.
"Vi... Vitalstatistix!"
For a brief moment, time seems to stand still. But then a commotion breaks out, the likes of which Gaul hasn't seen since Gergovia. Vitalstatistix holds on to the ropes of the ring for a moment, then raises his fists in attack and shouts: "You'll never get my village! AND IMPEDIMENTA NOT AT ALL!"
Already he is attacking, lunging...
And hits the still horrified Egoistix with full force in the face.
Another blow follows, a third, a fourth!
Egoistix doesn't know how to defend himself, completely overwhelmed, he has to take the blows. And Vitalstatistix doesn't let up. He doesn't give his opponent any time to build up his guard, to block the blows. But suddenly, a counter attack. Vitalstatistix staggers backwards, but keeps his footing. For a moment the opponents stand facing each other, always keeping an eye on the other. And both gasp for breath.
"How... How do you do it? Where do you get this strength?"
Vitalstatistix, just grins.
"You'll never understand..."
Already he goes on the attack again, but this time Egoistix is armed.
One blow follows the next, one hit replaces another, no one wants to give up. And Vitalstatistix fights with all his might.
"I'll never let you get too close to my wife!" he growls at Egoistix as he backs him into a corner.
"Well, we'll see about that!"
Egoistix lunges, but Vitalstatistix dodges, the blow misses. And no sooner does Egoistix turn to face his opponent than he is hit in the face. Staggering, he tries to stay on his feet, but in vain. The great chieftain of four Gaulish villages goes down. And there is great rejoicing on the part of the indomitable. But Vitalstatistix keeps an eye on his opponent. He knows that Egoistix will not be defeated so easily. And indeed, the chieftain rises to his feet once more. He stands proudly opposite Vitalstatistix. The two fighters look each other in the eye, fists raised, ready for the next exchange of blows. But...
"How is this possible...", Egoistix thinks to himself.
"How can he still fight like that after so many hits?"
Egoistix tries not to let on, but after Vitalstatistix's last attack, his strength is gradually fading too.
"Where does he get this strength?"
Then he sees Impedimenta, who is walking towards the ring with Getafix. And he understands...
The tension is almost unbearable and everyone holds their breath, waiting anxiously for the next attack. The two chieftains are still standing motionless opposite each other. But suddenly Egoistix sinks to his knees, hangs his head and says in a whisper:
"I give up..."
Stunned, Vitalstatistix stares at his opponent.
"You... You give up?"
Egoistix just nods. And just like that, the referee announces, "Egoistix concedes! That makes Vitalstatistix the winner!"
He says something else, but no one can understand it in the huge uproar of shouts and screams. Vitalstatistix looks around. He looks at his friends, who are now cheering. He looks at the Romans, who are slinking rather contritely from the square, and he looks at Impedimenta, who is just making her way through the crowd, supported by Getafix and her brother.
"It's over... The battle is won..."
A horrified murmur goes through the ranks of the indomitable as Vitalstatistix suddenly slumps completely powerless.
"Quick, children, help him!", Getafix now orders the Gauls. Fulliautomatix and Unhygienix are on the spot and help Vitalstatistix out of the ring, who can hardly stand on his feet. And he receives a hero's welcome.
"Long live Vitalstatistix, our chieftain!"
"Long live him!"
Shouts of joy and congratulations accompany the glorious warrior on his way to the druid's tent, where Getafix is already waiting. And Impedimenta...
"Vitalstatistix..."
"Pedimenta!"
Vitalstatistix immediately clasps his wife in his arms, and despite all his pride, tears stream down his cheeks.
"I thought I lost you forever..."
"I'll always be by your side."
"Come you two."
Getafix leads them both into the druid's tent to have a look at Vitalstatistix's wounds, for the great Gaulish chieftain really does look pretty battered.
Meanwhile, at the Romans:
"As with Juno, is such a thing possible? The other one was much stronger, after all, and Vitalstatistix had no magic potion and..."
"Why not, actually?"
Questioningly, the centurions from Totorum, Laudamun and Compendium look at their colleague from the Aquarium camp.
"The druid is there, after all, so why no potion?
"This can only mean one thing... Gather your people and we will meet in front of my camp. There I will explain everything else to you..."
And so it happens that suddenly all the Romans leave the battlefield and leave the raging party to the Gauls.
In the meantime, Egoistix has also picked himself up and left the ring. The once so proud warrior is no longer recognisable. He seems to have lost all his strength and courage. Wordlessly, he walks through the ranks of his people towards the druids' tent. There, Getafistix is busy dressing Vitalstatistix's wounds while talking to his colleague, who travels the countryside as a 'wandering druid' to help wherever help is needed.
"And that's how I ended up here. Actually, I wanted to travel on to Lutetia straight away, but when I heard that there was going to be a battle of the chieftains, I decided to stay here for a while, knowing how bloody such a battle can sometimes end."
"You're right, my dear Knorrfix. You're right."
With these words, Getafix hands Vitalstatistix a cup of a strange-smelling, deep red liquid.
"What... What is this?"
"A potion to help you regain your strength. Not necessarily tasty, but very effective!"
"Well, if you think that's necessary..."
Vitalstatistix looks disgustedly into the cup before emptying it in one go. He shakes himself.
"Cruel stuff! Doesn't it come in another flavour?"
Getafix just smiles as someone else enters the tent. Silence falls.
Egoistix looks silently at Vitalstatistix and Impedimenta and then, without saying a word, goes with Knorrfix to another part of the tent.
"I think it is time we returned to our village. I've had enough of this hustle and bustle..."
He points over his shoulder outside where everyone is celebrating boisterously.
"And besides... I'm looking forward to a nice banquet and a proper roast boar!"
Grinning, Vitalstatistix looks at Impedimenta, who just shakes her head with a laugh.
"How can you think of food after a fight like that?"
"Well, listen! I haven't had a decent bite all day! And besides..."
"And besides, you should be glad to be standing at all!"
Startled, they all turn to the tent entrance, where a burly Gaul has just ridden in.
"Doublehelix... What are you doing here?"
"I heard what was going on in Lutetia from a Roman and travelled here immediately. Because I couldn't believe that you would fight such a battle... Without telling me!"
Doublehelix hugs his brother, beaming with joy.
"By Toutatis! I've never seen a fight like this before! Come brother, let's go to your village, you must tell me what happened here!"
With these words Vitalstatistix, Doublehelix, Homoeopatix and Impedimenta set off to call the other Gauls together and a little later our indomitable friends have arrived back in the little village we know so well, where everything is immediately prepared for a big banquet. Getafix stays at the battlefield to talk to his old friend Knorrfix and dusk falls over Gaul.
Soon night falls and while Vitalstatistix celebrates the glorious outcome of this story with his people, a group of Gauls approaches the village...
"Vitalstatistix!"
Just then a guard comes rushing up to the feast table.
"Vitalstatistix, Getafix is back and he's bringing Egoistix and his men with him!"
"Well, well... I was beginning to think he'd forgotten... Shield bearers to me!"
And a little later everyone is at the gate, everyone except Obelix, who prefers to stay at the table.
"Otherwise the boars will get cold!"
Egoistix and his men enter the village. But whereas a few days ago the chief came to our friends with his head held high on his shield, now he is on foot and only a shadow of his former self. For a moment he just stands there in silence, trying to delay the inevitable for a moment longer. But it is inevitable. Now Egoistix steps forward and while bowing to Vitalstatistix he says what he was probably most afraid of. And you can hear it in his voice.
"Vitalstatistix... I challenged you to a battle of chieftains and lost miserably... According to ancient Gaulish custom... I will submit to you..."
He is already gripping his sword to lay it at Vitalstatistix's feet when he waves it off.
"Let it be, Egoistix. You have lost the battle and, as I noticed, your arrogance as well. That shall be victory enough for me. I release you and your people."
"What, but... I thought..."
"Much has happened in all these years. Sit down with your people and then tell me what has happened. I think..."
"ROMANS!"
The cry of the guard makes those present cringe and immediately they all storm the palisade to see how many attackers there are. Vitalstatistix and Doublehelix also join the others, but what they see makes their blood run cold for a moment.
Like ghost lights, the flames of countless torches flicker in the darkness and the dim light makes the approaching troops seem even more dangerous. The Roman soldiers approach the village inexorably, four groups, led by the centurion of each camp, marching like chieftains in a line in front of the soldiers.
"Do you really think it is a good idea to attack the Gauls, Centurion Nonsensus?"
"Don't worry, Centurion Headbuttus. This time we have the advantage! We are outnumbered and the Gauls have no magic potion!"
"Whereas I still find your explanation with the missing ingredients more than questionable..."
"Well, tell me another explanation if you have one, my dear Centurion Stupidus!"
"All right, all right! Let's not start a fight now. There's the village ahead."
"Good! Tell your men to get ready. We'll attack as soon as everyone is ready!"
The centurions set off to give their troops the necessary orders. The centurion Nonsensus also sets off to join his men, but he now turns back to the village.
"This time you have no chance... Soon ALL of Gaul will be ours!"
With these words he goes to his soldiers and shortly afterwards the Roman troops march in turtle formation and with pilum drawn inexorably towards the Gallic village we know so well.
And there is a huge commotion in front of Getafix's hut...
"What do you mean you don't have a potion ready? You usually have..."
"Yes, yes, usually! But so much has happened in the last few days... I couldn't take care of the potion supply..."
"By Toutatis, we are doomed!"
"The Romans will run us over!"
"Then we'll all end up as slaves!"
"Calm down, people, calm down! Tomorrow didn't come today!"
"What's going on?"
Egoistix just comes up to the outraged Gauls and looks questioningly around.
But Doublehelix immediately wards off the stranger.
"Nothing that would concern a traitor!"
"Doublehelix, please! We have a real problem at the moment, we don't need a war in our own ranks!"
"And what are we supposed to do? The Romans far outnumber us and..."
"So were they in Gergovia! And we still won!
Get your weapons, men! We will not surrender without a fight!"
"Long live Vitalstatistix!
"Long live our chief!"
Immediately the men rush off to prepare for the battle ahead and Vitalstatistix turns to Getafix.
"How long will it take you to make the potion."
"Well... I have to prepare the ingredients, then it has to simmer for a certain time and..."
"How long!"
"About... an hour..."
"By Toutatis..."
"You'll never make it! You won't last that long against the Romans unless..."
"Unless we help."
Egoistix looks from Vitalstatistix to Doublehelix, who doesn't seem thrilled by the idea.
"You... You're the one who ran away from Gergovia when things got dicey!"
"Well... I..."
"And who's to say you won't do it again now?"
"Doublehelix, please! He's offering to help us and in this situation..."
"Oh, come on! Once a traitor, always a traitor! If he wants to interfere, let him go to the beach with his people and look after the women and children. THAT is the proper job for him!"
"Doublehelix!"
"Let it go, Vitalstatistix. Your brother has every reason not to trust me."
With these words, Egoistix and his men leave the village and join Homoeopatix and the village women, who are just leaving for the beach.
Meanwhile, the Romans have almost reached the village. Vitalstatistix, Doublehelix and the rest of the men get ready for battle. But before the Gauls can rush into battle, Obelix wants to climb over the palisade, but Asterix holds him back.
"Obelix, don't be stupid! We have to attack together to be able to defeat the Romans!"
"That will be difficult, look!"
Unhygienix points to the legionaries, who have by now split into two groups and are now attacking from two sides. Vitalstatistix watches the goings-on for a moment, then turns to Asterix questioningly.
"Asterix, do you still have some of the magic potion in your canteen?"
"Well... Just a sip."
"Well I think that will do it. You and Obelix, you take the left side. Try to keep as many Romans off our backs as possible. The rest of us will grab the right. And remember, we must try to keep them away from the village as long as possible until Getafix is finished with the magic potion!"
"And how long will that take?"
"Oh. Um... Not too long, I'm sure."
With these words Vitalstatistix mounts his shield and gives the order for the Gauls to attack.
Like a wild horde, the Indomitable charge towards the Romans, an unstoppable group of brave warriors who give everything in the pale moonlight to protect their village and their families. Already the first swords meet Roman shields, the first lances are broken and helmets are hurled through the air. But soon the Gauls' initial lead dwindles, more and more they are pushed back and the battle seems decided. And while Asterix and Obelix are fighting their part of the battle alone and are fully occupied with not letting any Romans through to the village, there are already heavy losses on the other side. Some Gauls have already been captured and taken away by the Romans and Vitalstatistix seems to have reached the end of the battle. Still weakened by the chieftain's fight, he is visibly struggling to withstand the soldiers' attacks, and Doublehelix, who has not fought for years, is also finding it increasingly difficult to defend himself. Suddenly a heavy blow hits Doublehelix and he falls unconscious to the ground and is grabbed by two Romans and dragged away. But Vitalstatistix rushes up in a rage to free his brother, but he too is hit by an attack and falls to the ground. For a moment he lies disoriented, while around him the fierce battle for the village rages on. Vitalstatistix is just trying to get up again when he is rudely pushed to the ground and the next moment he feels the blade of a sword at his throat.
"It's over, Gaul! The fate of your village is sealed. And yours too..."
Already the Roman lunges for the decisive blow, the blade hurtling downwards, inexorably towards Vitalstatistix lying defenceless on the ground. The Gaulish chieftain already sees his life ended, when suddenly...
But... what happened on the beach?
The women and children have entrenched themselves in a small cave, Egoistix and his men are guarding the entrance, while good Homoeopatix has nothing better to do than make stupid remarks...
"Heavens, how can Vitalstatistix be so stupid? First the battle of the chieftains and now he rushes out to meet the Romans... And without even a chance! Impedimenta, I really don't know what you see in that fool... Well... The way I see things, you'll soon be a widow and then..."
"Will there be an end to this nonsensical drivel soon?!"
Egoistix has left his post at the cave entrance and is now standing in front of the visibly intimidated Homoeopatix.
"I don't know how well you know Vitalstatistix, but one thing is clear: You have no idea how brave he really is. I... I survived all those years in Roman captivity only because I was driven by hatred for Vitalstatistix. I lived under the delusion that he was to blame for my capture. Yet I have only myself to blame for the whole thing..."
He looks sadly at Impedimenta, who in turn looks at him questioningly.
"Impedimenta... You were the reason why I abandoned Vitalstatistix at the Battle of Gergovia... I... fell in love with you from the first moment I saw you... And I wanted nothing more than to have you all to myself. And when Vitalstatistix and I were separated in battle... I abandoned him, hoping... That he wouldn't come back to the village...
But when I tried to run away, a group of Romans overpowered me and took me out of the country, where I had to slave in a quarry for the next few years. And all the time, Impedimenta, all I could think about was getting free and being with you. But when I was finally free, I found out that Vitalstatistix had not only returned from battle and married you, no, he was also celebrated as the hero of the battle...
I returned to my village and regained my old position as chieftain. I defeated several other chieftains and finally decided to subdue Vitalstatistix as well. I had no idea about the magic potion that gives superhuman strength...
But all the while I kept hearing stories of how brave Vitalstatistix was, how he fearlessly threw himself into battle against the Romans again and again!
I grew angrier with every story I heard. And I didn't believe in Vitalstatistix's courage. But when I faced him in the ring... When I saw the strength with which he fought for his village... The way he fought for you... That's when I understood what true courage is. No matter how hard the battle was or still is, Vitalstatistix fights for what's important to him. He doesn't care if he loses. Who fights can lose. Who don't fight, has already lost... I have finally understood that..."
With these words Egoistix grabs his sword and leaves the cave. But then he turns around once more and, addressing Homoeopatix, says: "You shouldn't mock a warrior when you've never fought yourself."
With that he calls some of his men to him and leaves the beach with them in the direction of the village.
But no sooner has he arrived at the village gate than he stands transfixed. The battle is raging wildly, some Gauls are trying to stop a horde of Romans from storming the village. Egoistix hesitates for a moment, then he shouts: "Let's go into battle!" and rushes towards the enemy with his men. But only a short time later the group is scattered, everyone fights as best they can to help the indomitable. Suddenly Egoistix sees Doublehelix trying desperately to fight off a group of Romans some distance away, but finally sinks to the ground, hit by heavy blows. Vitalstatistix rushes up to help his brother, but is himself hit by an attack. And as soon as Vitalstatistix touches the ground, a centurion rushes up and presses his sword to the throat of the defenceless man lying on the ground. Suddenly it is as if time stands still for Egoistix. He sees the centurion raise his sword... And suddenly... He sees himself lying defenceless on the ground, several years younger and in the middle of the battle of Gergovia...
He remembers... In the midst of the battle... He was fighting at Vitalstatistix's side when an attacker abruptly pushed him to the ground and held his sword to his throat. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Vitalstatistix struggling alone against a group of Romans. Then the Roman lunged, Egoistix already saw his life ended when suddenly...
With a cry, Egoistix rushes towards the centurion. He lets go of his victim and swings his sword. The blades clash and a fierce duel breaks out. One blow follows the next and Egoistix fights as best he can. But then he can no longer fend off a violent blow from the centurion and is hit. Badly wounded, he sinks to the ground, but before the Roman can take advantage of this he is knocked to the ground in his turn. Astonished, Egoistix looks up... And sees Vitalstatistix holding out his hand to help him up. For a moment the two Gauls face each other in silence, then they take up their swords and plunge into the all-important battle...
The morning was already dawning when the battle was decided. Getafix was able to finish the magic potion in time and after all the Gauls had fortified themselves, the Romans no longer had much to laugh about. Our friends have just returned with the freed prisoners, and the women and children also dare to return to the village. Meanwhile Doublehelix is sitting in Getafix's hut having his wounds treated, when vitalstatistix comes in, supporting the badly injured Egoistix.
"By Toutatis... What happened?"
"Nothing... Nothing, I... I was just trying to..."
"He saved my life."
Silently, Doublehelix looks at his brother while Getafix tends to the injured man. Then Egoistix turns to the chieftain.
"Vitalstatistix... Thank you."
"I have you to thank. Without you, I don't think I'd still be standing here."
Egoistix shakes his head.
"Thank you... For giving me a second chance as a chieftain... And as a friend."
"It's alright. Get some rest so you can get back on your feet. After all...
There are four Gaulish villages waiting for their chieftain to return and..."
"Vitalstatistix... I... Have a confession to make...
"Aha, now you come out! He probably doesn't have that many villages at all! He probably doesn't have any at all and..."
"Doublehelix, please!"
"It's not about the villages... It... I had said when I arrived here that I had sent you a message asking for your help... But that message never existed... I just wanted to..."
"Never mind. Let's forget the whole thing. I'll go and check on my people now."
With these words Vitalstatistix leaves the druid's hut. Just outside the door, Impedimenta comes rushing towards him.
"Piggywiggy!"
Beaming with joy, she throws herself towards her husband, who immediately wraps her in his arms.
"When Doublehelix told me what happened in the battle, I thought it was all over for you... How can you worry me so much!"
"'Pedimenta..."
Just now all worried about her husband, Impedimenta is already slipping back into the role of tyrannical wife. But Vitalstatistix just smiles and silently lets the thunder that now follows pass.
"Really! You are and will always be a stubborn old fool! What if something had really happened to you? Then I would have been standing there alone! But Monsö doesn't think about that when he's throwing himself into the fight like a young punt with the courage of his life!"
"'Pedimenta..."
But Impedimenta has turned away angrily and is walking back to the village square, where the druid Knorrfix has just arrived.
"By Teutates and Belisima. It never gets boring with you. I was on my way to Lutetia when a Roman told me that a battle was taking place here. He must have run away in time... I hope there are not so many wounded?"
"A few. Best you ask Getafix if he needs help. His hut is over there."
"Thank you."
And as Knorrfix and his assistant make their way to Getafix, Obelix remarks in passing:
"Now what? What do we do now?"
"Why, Obelix! What we always do when a story ends well: We celebrate!"
"That's right, Asterix! So come on children, get everything ready! It's going to be a feast like never before!"
That same evening, everyone gathers under the starry sky to celebrate their great victory over the Romans and, of course, their chieftain, probably the bravest warrior in Gaul. Egoistix and his people are also invited and even Doublehelix has nothing against the other chieftain, who has proved to be a real fighter and saved Vitalstatistix's life despite all the dangers. And so peace reigns again. Well... almost...
"No, Cacofonix, you're not going to sing!
"But I was only trying to..."
BANG! With a well-aimed hammer blow, Fulliautomatix has immobilised the bard, who a little later is lying bound and gagged under a nearby tree. But this time he is not alone there. Also lying unconscious there is... Homoeopatix! Once again he couldn't resist making fun of Vitalstatistix and thus irritated his brother a little too much. But when, despite all the warnings, Homoeopatix couldn't stop making fun of him, Doublehelix borrowed Fulliautomatix's blacksmith's hammer and silenced the loudmouthed Big City Gaul. But despite these minor incidents, everyone is in high spirits.
"How's it looking, Egoistix. Are you and your people going to stay with us for a few more days?"
"I'm afraid that won't be possible. I have to go back to my village. And in my other villages, everyone is waiting to hear from me how the battle turned out..."
Egoistix now seems a little crestfallen, but Vitalstatistix puts a hand on his shoulder in a placating gesture.
"I think that even though you lost the battle of the chieftains, you have proved yourself a brave warrior and a true friend, and you can therefore return to your village with your head held high."
"Well... If you say so... A lot has changed in the time I've been here... Except for one thing."
"And what?"
Egoistix grins.
"I'm still a bachelor."
"Haha! Well, that's bound to change too, knowing me!"
"Well, hopefully. After all, I was a bit late with Impedimenta..."
He winks at her with a grin.
"But then, there are other pretty women in this world."
Egoistix laughs, but then holds his side with a pained expression.
"Egoistix? Are you all right?"
"I told you, no cervisia and no fuss!"
Just then Knorrfix's assistant comes up to the group and looks at Egoistix tautly.
"Well, I haven't come across anything so stubborn yet! Go, go, off to the druid!"
"Well, friends, you heard the lady. Then I will bend to her will!"
He grins at his friends, then Egoistix makes his way to Getafix's hut under the stern gaze of the young woman. Vitalstatistix and Doublehelix almost can't stop laughing when they hear the telling off that Egoistix has to listen to on the way.
"One thing is perfectly clear," Vitalstatistix says as he wipes tears of laughter from the corner of his eye, "He won't be a bachelor much longer!"
"I'm sure he won't. But he won't have it easy."
"Come on, bad weeds grow tall. I've survived my marriage so far, too. OW! But 'Pedimenta!"
Impedimenta had heard this comment of her husband's and without further ado knocked him over the head with a plate. But she was not angry with her husband for long, as the events of the last few days had clearly shown how much he still loved her even after all these years of marriage.
And so we want to leave our Gaulish friends at this point, which clearly shows that for the indomitable Gauls in general and Vitalstatistix in particular, tomorrow never comes.
THE END
