It's always pretty quiet between them when they come here. But it's a comfortable silence. Nancy tends to Barb's grave. He tends to Bob's right to next to it. First time Nancy asked him to drive her to the cemetery he'd offered to wait in the car to give her privacy, but she'd asked him to come with her. He obliged of course. It was one of those times when she didn't need him to say anything really, but just be there for her.
He fixes up Bob's grave while Nancy sits at Barb's. He still feels bad he hadn't been nicer to Bob when he was alive. He'd been good, all things considered. It had just been hard for him to accept this strange man suddenly sleeping over and being in their home all the time. For what Bob did for his mom, Will and the others before he died he will always be indebted to him. So he wants his grave to always look nice at least. Especially since it's right next to Barb's, which is kept in immaculate condition, always covered with fresh, pretty flowers. Mr. and Mrs. Holland must tend to it almost every day he thinks. Nancy and he doesn't go here quite that often, it's too hard.
For a time it was weekly. Lately it's been getting more sporadic, every few weeks they go. Nancy can't bear to go too often. She used to feel bad about that, but he thinks after a few gentle pep talks he's gotten through to her with his reminders that she's not obligated to come her at all, that everyone grieves differently and there's no right way to do this. That she should focus on that she did the good thing by getting justice for Barb, giving her parents some closure at least.
When they do come here they stay for a while. By now they have a routine of sorts. They bring flowers, plant them. He fixes up Bob's headstone while Nancy sits with Barb, whose headstone is always pristine. He sits by Bob's grave for a while, letting Nancy have her moments to herself even if he's just a few feet away. After a while, somehow he just feels when it's right, when she wants him nearer, he moves over. Closing the gap between them and sitting next to her. She leans into him a bit. Usually they stay quiet, finding words unnecessary. Sometimes, like now, Nancy will say whatever is on her mind.
"She would've been so excited for senior year. That we'd be going off to college soon. She always wanted to go to Harvard. She would've gotten in, she was so smart she could've done anything. I hate that she doesn't get to go."
He doesn't say anything, opts for just rubbing circles on Nancy's back. She doesn't need him to respond to that, she just needs to vent. He didn't know Barb well enough to have anything to say about that really.
"Sometimes I imagine what it'd be like if she was still here. You, me and her all hanging out together. I like to think we could've gotten together even if it weren't for… that week. And that I would've found myself anyway. Not been… who I was, when Barb disappeared. She knew I wasn't myself. I hate that was the last she saw of me."
Nancy sniffles. He puts his arm around her, drawing her in closer to him.
"You would've. You're so determined Nance, you won't let anything stop you to discover something. Least of all discovering yourself I think. And I'd like to think so too, that we'd found each other… maybe if I'd just been less shy."
Nancy wipes away some tears.
"Or if I'd been less focused on school and status and ugh, all that bullshit. Barb knew it was bullshit. I think she would've liked you."
"She thought I was weird."
"But she would've liked you if she'd gotten to know you, the real you. Like I did. She liked people who were real, wanted me to be like that. Honest, true to myself."
"You are."
"Now I am. Because of you. And her. You were always true to yourself."
"I don't know. I like to think I've grown too. Because of you."
Nancy smiles a little at that. They sit like that for a while, his arm around her, Nancy leaning into his side.
"Let's go," Nancy says eventually.
He gets up and gives her his hand to help her to her feet. Nancy turns around and hugs him. He holds her close.
"Look."
They break apart from each other and he follows Nancy's gaze to see what caught her attention. It's easy to spot. In another part of the cemetery, where all the freshly dug graves after Starcourt are, he sees a familiar long mane of red hair falling down a small framed back.
Nancy looks at him, he looks at her. Wordlessly they agree to go over there.
"First time?" Nancy asks in a soft voice when they get near.
Max jolts a little and snaps her head in their direction, but relaxes when she sees who it is.
"Yeah."
"Do you want to be alone or…?" Nancy asks next.
Max shrugs. He doesn't know the girl that well but he knows that kind of shrug, he's done it himself in the past. It's easier to shrug than to say please stay. He sits down, Nancy does too.
"You guys come here often?"
"From time to time. For Barb and Bob," Nancy explains.
Max nods and looks at Billy's headstone but doesn't say anything so Nancy continues.
"Used to force myself to go every week. But that wasn't helping. I felt bad at first when I stopped coming every week but now it feels right every time I do come. It does get easier."
"I don't know what I'm doing here," Max says.
"What do you mean?" He asks.
"Why do you guys go visit their graves?"
"To remember them," Nancy answers. "It's… it's at least nice that she finally has a resting place. Somehow it helps me, to have this place to go to think about her. Before I had it, when her parents thought she could still be out there I… then I thought about her all the time, everywhere I went. I still think about her a lot. But it doesn't eat me up anymore."
"Right. I'm not sure I want to remember him. That sounds awful but…"
"It's okay. Wasn't he… awful?" Nancy responds. He nods.
"Yeah, he was. He was a racist, abusive, controlling, asshole. I don't know why he did what he did at the mall. At every other moment I knew him he was just horrible. But still, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I went here today because it felt like… like I'm supposed to be here? Like I'm supposed to feel bad about him. I mean I guess he didn't deserve to die but…"
"I don't think you should feel you're supposed to do anything really. Just because he died, and the way he died, you don't have to feel a certain way about it," he tells Max.
"But what does it say about me that I don't even mourn my step brother after all?"
"It says more about him, and who he was," he tells Max. Nancy nods.
"I'm not telling you how to feel," he continues. "What you went through, it's still traumatic. And conflicting, with what he did. But… I'll say this, I don't think death equals redemption, I don't think what he did at the mall excuses everything else he did in his life. That stuff doesn't just go away. And you had to deal with all that. So if you feel he was a horrible person that is valid. It's okay for you to think that."
Max gives him a long look, like she's considering his words.
"Some people are just assholes. I mean, overall. Even if they did one decent thing, if they spent the rest of their time being assholes I think it's okay to remember them as that. And you can't force grief," Nancy adds, pausing and furrowing her brows the way she does when she's thinking hard on something, before continuing. "Like, we killed our bosses for God's sake. We killed them. And to be honest I don't grieve them."
"Me neither," he chimes in.
"Yeah, but they were trying to kill you," Max retorts.
"Sure, but still. It's like you said, I guess they didn't deserve to die. They didn't deserve to be possessed by the monster, none of these people were," Nancy gestures around at the surrounding graves. "And in that way I'm sorry for them. I'm sorry for their families. But I don't lose sleep over those two, because when they were still alive they just treated me like crap."
"Right… but still, I feel weirdly like… guilty or something, about Billy. That I'm not more sad about him. He treated me like crap but still he was my step brother, he was family in some way. You're supposed to like, love your family and all that."
"If my father dropped dead tomorrow I wouldn't grieve him. And I don't feel bad about that," he tells Max frankly.
Nancy takes his hand and gives it a squeeze. Max studies him intently. Finally she gives him a little nod. They sit in silence for a bit.
"Do you have anyone to talk to?" Nancy asks. Max shrugs. "Like your mom or…?"
"She's not doing so good since Neil left," Max shakes her head and looks solemn.
"Sorry."
Max shrugs again.
"What about Lucas?" Nancy tries.
Max tenses up.
"I don't know… he means well. I don't know how to talk… to people. About this."
"You're talking to us now?"
"I know, it's weird. But Lucas, I don't know… especially after what Billy did to him I don't know… look it's just hard to open up, okay?"
"Believe me, we know," Nancy tells her, giving him a knowing look.
"Yeah," he concurs.
"Well, you two have each other. Congratulations," Max deadpans.
"Yeah, we do. And it's great," Nancy says. "But for a year we… I retreated from him."
"I did too. Trust issues," he emphasizes, looking at Max. He thinks they're the same in that way.
"But eventually we found our way back to each other and it's just… so much better. To not retreat from the people who care about you. It makes it easier to handle, all this bullshit that's happened."
"Yeah. I find it hard… trusting people," he confides to Max. Nancy already knows it. He gives her hand a squeeze and continues. "But I found I could trust Nancy. And I think you can trust Lucas. He's a real good kid. Always has been. He's so loyal to his friends, to you. I think he just wants you to be okay."
"He really cares about you," Nancy nods. "Speaking from experience, don't push him away. You'll be miserable."
"I hear you guys, I guess," Max answers quietly after a moment.
"And we're here for you too, obviously. But Lucas knows you better than we do. Just think about it, okay?" Nancy tells her.
"Okay," Max nods. "I will," she adds before taking one more look at Billy's headstone. Then she gets up.
"Can we give you a ride anywhere?" He asks Max as the three of them walk out of the cemetery.
"You don't have to-" Max starts but cuts herself off, noticing something. Or someone, rather, he sees as he turns his head in her direction and finds Lucas sitting on his bike and breathing heavily like he just got done pedaling like a madman. He gives them a small wave.
"Hey, Max," Lucas greets. "I've been looking all over for you."
"Hey, stalker," Max smiles at him. Lucas grins.
"Are you okay? Hey guys," Lucas asks and acknowledges them for the first time. They wave to him.
"I'm good."
"Do… you want to be alone?" Lucas asks.
Max thinks about it for a second before answering.
"No. Wanna go to the Arcade?"
Lucas grins even wider this time, shrugs his backpack off his shoulders and digs in it, coming up with a big bag of quarters he holds up in triumph.
Max smirks at him and rolls her eyes before giving them a quick "See you" and gettin on the back of Lucas' bike. Lucas gives them a wave before taking off down the street.
"They're good together," Nancy notes.
"Yeah," he agrees.
