INTRO:

Wiz: Naruto Uzumaki, the Hero of the Hidden Leaf.

Boomstick: And Ryu Hayabusa, the Dragon Ninja.

Wiz: The ninja is the silent but deadly warrior of legend within Japan. But these two take those limits to being a shinobi and utterly shatter them.

Boomstick: Yeah, who needs stealth when you got awesome badass power to blow shit up?! He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!

NARUTO UZUMAKI:

Wiz: Konoha, the Village Hidden in the Leaves, is a pretty quiet town.

Boomstick: Not what I'd expect for a city full of ninja. Still, there was at least one troublemaker among the bunch. The number one knucklehead ninja, Naruto Uzumaki.

Naruto: I'm home, everyone! Naruto Uzumaki has returned to the Hidden Leaf Village!

Wiz: Orphaned at a young age and ostracized by his peers, Naruto may have been mischievous, but he had great aspirations. His goal was to become the town's Hokage.

Boomstick: Which is a fancy word for ninja governor and president.

Wiz: The only way Naruto could reach such a prestigious position was to excel in ninja school.

Boomstick: Like ninja Harry Potter, though he should really find a place that'll teach him not to dress like a clown and run like a real human being. What does he think he is, an airplane?

Wiz: Actually, his posture likely decreases wind resistance, which could be beneficial when moving at superhuman speeds where angular momentum is a smaller factor.

Boomstick: (mocks him) I remember when you ran like that in middle school.

Wiz: Hey, that was for research!

Popup: Naruto failed to graduate from the Academy 3 times!

Boomstick: Sure, Wiz. Anyway, while Naruto wasn't the best student, he still tried his hardest to reach his goal, but first, he'd have to learn how to control his chakra.

Wiz: In Buddhism and Hinduism ideologies, chakras are, in simplistic terms, gates within the human body which can be opened to achieve enlightenment, but the ninja in Naruto's world had a slightly different interpretation.

Boomstick: I'll say, they weaponized it! Naruto can use chakra for all sorts of flashy attacks. He can heal himself, seal monsters away, walk up walls, or even stand on water like a ninja Jesus.

Wiz: He's learned a number of chakra techniques, or jutsus.

Boomstick: Gesundheit.

Wiz: And even developed a few new ones of his own.

Naruto farts in Kiba's face as the others stare in shock.

Wiz: His signature move is the Shadow Clone Jutsu.

Boomstick: Where he can copy and paste himself over and over and over again.

Wiz: Unlike the standard clone technique, Shadow Clones are tangible, with their own combat capabilities. By dividing his chakra between himself and his clones, it's nearly impossible to distinguish the real Naruto from the fakes. And after they are destroyed, or the jutsu expires, everything they've experienced adds up to become the original Naruto's experience as well.

Popup: Naruto is extremely adept at developing complex Shadow Clone strategies on the fly!

Boomstick: And he can get pretty tricky when he makes thousands of 'em, but when strategies can't save the day, he can always just beat his opponents down with the Rasengan.

Wiz: By spinning chakra in his hand, Naruto creates a compact ball of energy which can blast through solid stone. While the Rasengan usually takes years to learn, Naruto figured it out after training for just over a week.

Popup: He previously required at least 1 Shadow Clone to assist in creating a Rasengan, but has since learned how to form it on his own.

Boomstick: He's invented more Rasengan's than Willy Wonka's invented candies, but his top pick is the Rasenshuriken. By combining the Rasengan with the element of wind, he uses it to turn the spinning ball into a spinning blade. This baby can trap you in a vortex of wind so sharp, it'll mess you up at a cellular level.

Wiz: Naruto has plenty of other techniques up his orange sleeves, including summoning, substitution, and transformation jutsus. He can even transform into a, uh... a naked woman.

Boomstick: Oh ho ho ho! Looks like he's been studying! I guess that's one plus side to not having parents, you don't need to worry about anyone walking in on you.

Wiz: While most individuals have chakra, everyone has a limit. The more physical and spiritual energy one possesses, the more chakra they'll have at their disposal.

Boomstick: Just like the gas tank for my chainsaw.

Popup: The Uzumaki clan was famous for their strong chakra, long lifespans, rapid healing abilities, and expertise with sealing techniques.

Wiz: Thanks to his heritage, Naruto already has a great deal of chakra. Even still, he has far more than he reasonably should, all thanks to the beast within.

Boomstick: Yeah, he's got a monster in his stomach.

Wiz: Let's backtrack a few years. On the day of Naruto's birth, his village was attacked by a chakra beast known as the Nine-Tailed Fox, a monster so destructive, a mere swing of its tails could level a mountain. In desperation, the Hokage at the time sacrificed himself to split the Nine-Tails in two, sealing one half within his own son, Naruto.

Boomstick: So his first-ever birthday gift to his son was a giant pet fox that can destroy cities? I wish he was my dad.

Wiz: Eventually, Naruto discovered how to communicate with the Nine-Tails.

Boomstick: They didn't get along at first. Foxy would threaten to eat Naruto, Naruto would whack him over the head with a big shrine gate, you know, typical roommate drama. Still, they eventually became friends, and Naruto learned the fox's name was Kurama.

Wiz: Afterward, Kurama willingly shared his chakra with Naruto on a regular basis, and as a being composed of chakra, Kurama's reserves are gigantic.

Boomstick: With so much power at his fingertips, Naruto can enter a bunch of different super forms. First up is Sage Mode, which sounds like something he'd learn from an old wise-man or wizard, right? Nope, he learned it from a frog.

Wiz: This state increases all of Naruto's physical abilities. Furthermore, Sage Mode allows Naruto to perceive the entire area around him and tap into naturally occurring energy via Senjutsu.

Boomstick: He can enhance his chakra attacks by adding natural energy, but if he's not careful, he'll turn into a frog. No, I'm not kidding.

Wiz: With Kurama's chakra, Naruto can enter multiple tailed-beast forms which drastically increase his physical prowess and energy output.

Boomstick: Best of which is the Nine-Tails Chakra Mode, flame on! It got even better when he befriended Mr. Fox, upgrading to the stronger, faster, tougher, Kurama Chakra Mode.

Wiz: Chakra mode grants Naruto extra protection, a sense for negative emotions, and the ability to create additional chakra arms.

Popup: He is capable of creating at least 9 chakra arms simultaneously.

Boomstick: Whoa! That's a lotta hands! Gotta wonder what kinda things he does with those, right?

Wiz: Overwhelming attacks, extra maneuverability, creating Rasenshurikens, the works.

Boomstick: Yeah, that's not what I was-

Naruto creates two small chakra arms on a finger.

Boomstick: AH! Creepy tiny hands!

Wiz: He can also shroud himself in a Nine-Tails sized avatar and use Kurama's ultimate attack, the Tailed Beast Bomb, so destructive, it can level a mountain range.

Popup: Scaling to other Tailed Beasts, the Tailed Beast Bomb's max damage output is 5 teratons of TNT (5,000,000 MT).

Boomstick: And for his final form, it's spoiler time, pay attention, 'cause... yeah. Ahem, all this chakra stuff started with an alien named Kaguya, who ate a fruit which basically created chakra. Later, she got all murder happy, so her sons stopped her. One of these sons, the Sage of Six Paths, had his own son named Asura, and Naruto is the reincarnation of him. So, yeah, Naruto's kind of an alien.

Wiz: Through this connection, Naruto was gifted the most divine form of energy: Six Paths chakra. With it, he can enter Six Paths Sage Mode.

Boomstick: His strength gets boosted even more, he can fly, and he can use Truth-Seeking Balls, which are orbs of chakra that can transform into weapons and destroy anything they touch.

Wiz: He can combine all these forms and further add natural energy to his Kurama avatar to form Six Paths Asura Kurama Sage Mode, whew!

Boomstick: Good God, that's a confusing amount of forms. Anyway, Naruto is also an expert in hand-to-hand combat, and could run faster than the eye could see when he was just twelve years old.

Wiz: He's dodged a lightning speed punch from the Fourth Raikage, a feat considered comparable to his father, who could teleport.

Popup: The speed of a lightning bolt's return stroke is 220,000,000 miles per hour, or 354,055,000 km/h.

Boomstick: He even dodged this lightspeed loogie.

Wiz: According to the fourth data book, this Light Fang attack does indeed move at light speed, over six hundred and seventy million miles per hour.

Boomstick: He's tough enough to survive getting stabbed, have his soul ripped out, or get smacked in the face with a beam that can slice the frickin' moon apart.

Wiz: He's fought multiple Tailed Beasts at once, lifted a statue weighing several hundred tons, survived a fall from the clouds, gone toe to toe with invisible Limbo shadows, and pulverized six falling meteorites simultaneously. His chakra is so tough, he can power through Amaterasu, a fire jutsu with flames so strong, they burn other flames.

Boomstick: He can even make new eyeballs for blind people. What's up with that? Oh, and in his final fight with rival, and possibly closet boyfriend, Sasuke, their opposing power was so great, they obliterated miles upon miles of land, changing the weather and disintegrating a lake.

Wiz: Only then, after defeating Sasuke, saving the world from Kaguya, and reuniting the split halves of Kurama, Naruto finally achieved his dream, and became Hokage.

Boomstick: But he's still pretty dumb. I mean, he named his son Burrito.

Wiz: Boruto.

Boomstick: Eh, close enough.

Naruto: I'm not gonna run away, I never go back on my word, that's my nindō! My ninja way!

RYU HAYABUSA:

(*Cues: Ninja Gaiden (NES) - Main Theme (Orchestral)*)

Wiz: His name literally meaning Dragon Falcon, Ryu Hayabusa was born in the Dragon-lineage legacy, and trained in the ways of the ninja from the moment he could crawl.

Boomstick: How are you supposed to keep a baby in their crib when they can freakin' back-flip out of it?

Wiz: A prodigy in the art of combat, Ryu far exceeded his clan's expectations. When he turned 18, he donned the traditional blue garb...

(*Cues: The Night of Lukifell - Ninja Gaiden*)

Wiz: Then single-handedly defeated both the criminal cult of Nostradomus and the army of Emperor Garuda.

Boomstick: And that was before his father gave him the Dragon Sword: a single-edged katana carved from the fang of a dragon which, when combined with the mystical eye of the dragon, becomes a divine blade of ultimate power known as the True Dragon Sword. And like Wolverine's claws, this baby can cut through basically anything!

Wiz: It also has one serious security system. If someone other than a strong-willed Hayabusa attempts to wield it, the True Dragon Sword will feed on and eventually devour their soul.

Boomstick: I need that kind of tech for my car! Teach those damn caddy-smashing raptors a lesson.

(*Cues: Ninja Gaiden - Main Theme*)

Wiz: In addition, Ryu has saved the world more times than Ringmaster can count, all with an enormous arsenal of various weaponry, including the Lunar Staff, Falcon's Talons, a Kusarigama, basically a chain sickle, numerous types of, shurikens, bombs, bows, etc., etc. and the Eclipse Scythe: a weapon forged by werewolves and quenched in the blood of living human beings. Because some people just have to do things the hard way.

Boomstick: (cough) The badass way Wiz. And if that wasn´t enough, he's also a magician! But instead of pulling rabbits out of a hat, it's a fire dragon!

Wiz: Uh, no, though that would make one impressive party trick.

(*Cues: Unknown Theme*)

Wiz: Ryu channels the energies of his unusually strong spirit for mystical techniques called Ninpo.

Boomstick: Well, this "ninpogician" can summon fireballs, create a fighting shadow of himself, blow shit up with his own version of the Torn Sky Blast, stop time for about five seconds, and even seems to be able to teleport short distances-what the fuck, did he just turn into a bird?!

Wiz: Ryu's spirit is so unnaturally strong he can manipulate that spiritual energy to perform supernatural feats, like...the bird thing, and surviving fatal wounds. Granted, this pseudo-healing factor requires a lot of time, rest, and meditation to pull off.

Hayabusa falls from the sky, grabs onto an armed goon, then lands while stabbing him. Ryu then removes his sword from the goon's body, splattering it.

(*Cues: Dead or Alive 2 - The Shooted*)

Boomstick: Ryu is fast enough to deflect automatic fire, tough enough to land a 300-meter drop, and has developed a ninja sense, which anticipates danger. Like when a chick asks if she looks fat in a new outfit.

Wiz: And despite mastering the ninja art of stealth, he tends to just rush in, swords swinging. Every. Single. Time.

Boomstick: Hehey, whatever works. Ryu even Izuna Dropped a dude so hard, it blew up a WHOLE FREAKING MOUNTAIN! I've only seen that happen once, and lemme tell ya, NEVER again. Words from the wise, kids, NEVER do Salvia in a missile silo. But you know what's even crazier than blowing up mountains?! Creating freaking BLACK HOLES!

Wiz: By measuring the Schwarzschild Radius of the black hole he creates and applying its mass to E=mc-.

Boomstick: IT'S A BLACK HOLE, WIZ! A BLACK! FREAKING! HOLE! WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED?!

Wiz: Are you trash-talking the numbers?! Ugh, never mind...

Boomstick: Ryu's destroyed entire armies of fiends and demons, killed the Dark Dragon, twice somehow, won the second Dead Or Alive tournament, avenged his father's death and finally annihilated the Devil himself, all just to get himself laid.

Ryu: Such selfish arrogance... I cannot allow this!

DEATH BATTLE:

Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set! And we've run the data through all possibilities! Let's end this debate once and for all!

Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLLLLEEEEEEE!

(Guiding Chakra - Brandon Yates)

A train is seen heading through a snowy landscape. Naruto is seen getting on top of one car. Then, he notices someone.

Naruto: Huh? Hey, who's that?

Near the front of the train, Ryu Hayabusa is standing ready as Naruto approaches.

Kurama: Be on guard, Naruto. I sense an immense chakra coming from him.

Naruto: No kidding. He doesn't look like he's from any of the villages…

Sensing Naruto's presence, Ryu turns to face him.

Ryu: Such immense spiritual energy. What clan do you hail from?

Naruto: Uh...the Uzumaki clan?

Ryu: Then show me what you can do…

Ryu draws his Dragon Sword and suddenly blinks away.

Naruto: Woah! Where'd he go?!

Suddenly, Ryu slashes behind him, but Naruto uses Substitution Jutsu to recover and kick him in the back. The two trade blows before Ryu throws his Windmill Shuriken at Naruto, who leaps over it and summons a Shadow Clone to throw him at Ryu. Naruto then follows up with another combo before throwing a kunai at Ryu, who dodges it and kicks Naruto away.

Naruto: Man, this guy's good!

Naruto readies a Rasengan as Ryu charges up a Fireball. Both launch their attack, with Naruto powering through the fireball.

Ryu: Impressive…

He readies his Dragon Sword and slices at the Rasengan, and the following explosion destroys the train and sends several cars flying. Naruto lands headfirst in the snow, but manages to get back up.

Naruto: Where the heck did he get that thing?!

Suddenly, Ryu slashes at him from behind, then continues attacking at high speeds to keep his opponent guessing.

Naruto: Enough of this! Let's go, Kurama!

He activates Six Paths Sage Mode, combined with Nine-Tails Chakra Mode, and intercepts the next attack with a massive Chakra hand.

Naruto: Gotcha!

He then throws Ryu through some trees before landing on one. He then charges up a Tailed Beast Ball Rasenshuriken.

Naruto: Eat THIS!

He throws it, but Ryu is able to catch himself, draw out his Dragon Sword, and effortlessly cut the Rasenshuriken in half. Naruto only readies another after the explosion. Ryu sheathes his Dragon Sword, having cut down a tree with the earlier slash, then readies his Teleport Ninpo to avoid getting crushed by falling trees.

Naruto: What the-?!

Ryu appears behind Naruto and kicks him off his tree perch, leaving the second Rasenshuriken to explode as the two continue their duel in the snowy forest. Naruto grunts as he slams against another tree, and Ryu knocks him down with an axe kick, then upwards again with a knee, then unleashes a barrage of aerial attacks with both martial arts, weapons, and ninpo before finally performing another ax kick to send Naruto crashing to the ground.

Ryu: You fought well, Uzumaki.

He then stabs his Dragon Sword into Naruto's back…

And the Shadow Clone poofs away.

Ryu: What?!

Naruto: NOW!

He and another Shadow Clone launch a Rasen Shuriken, but Ryu leaps away from the combined explosion. Naruto follows him into the air with a toss from a Shadow Clone, then summons more which all throw Tailed Beast Ball Rasenshurikens. Ryu only slices through those as well before grabbing Naruto and performing an Izuna Drop right into the snow.

Ryu then leaps back and readies another ninpo, and Naruto gets back up, but is exhausted back into his normal form as the Shadow Clones disappear.

Ryu: I highly advise you surrender.

Naruto: Just give up on trying to make me give up!

Ryu: Then you leave me no choice…

Ryu then readies his Ninpo Art of the Piercing Void, then fires it. Naruto only charges with a determined yell as he readies a Rasengan, and with sheer guts and effort alone, he manages to power through and destroy the black hole before it even finishes forming. He hits Ryu and knocks him against a tree, and Ryu screams as the Rasengan utterly obliterates him.

Naruto: Phew! That was a close one!

RESULTS:

Announcer: KO!

Boomstick: Ooo, Ryu should've purchased a Talisman of Rebirth before the fight…

Wiz: Both ninjas were extremely talented and powerful in their own right. But thanks to his increased chakra levels and sheer stubbornness, Naruto ultimately prevailed.

Boomstick: Yeah, Ryu has NEVER come close to Naruto's level! Sure, he can create black holes, and not even light can escape those, but Naruto managed to move FASTER than light to dodge a supersonic spit attack, and I doubt Ryu's ever survived something that could blow up the moon!

Wiz: Ryu could also duplicate himself with ninpo, but Naruto would still be better at it since he has immense mastery over his Shadow Clone jutsu. And Ryu could've easily been fooled into killing just a clone if he managed to trap Naruto in his Time Freeze.

Boomstick: Besides, that Dragon Sword is SO powerful, that if it's ever combined with the Eye of the Dragon to become the True Dragon Sword, it's power could even destroy the universe if it's in that form for too long! It may be a godlike weapon, but Naruto's kicked godly ass before!

Wiz: In the end, Naruto outclassed Ryu in sheer power, speed, and technique, and even had more training than Ryu ever had in his lifetime.

Boomstick: He really outfoxed that ninja, and then slew the dragon.

Wiz: The winner is Naruto Uzumaki.