I Water of the Womb
Companion Piece to The Pendant.
Crassior est aqua matricis, quam sanguis testamenti.
Summary:
Obi-wan never asked for this. Yet, the Force insisted that the fate of the Galaxy seems to oft be left in his hands in a most untimely matter. Sensing there is no way out of the disaster that is bound to come, Obi-wan attempts to dissuade Luke from leaving so rashly, and fix a mistake 2 decades old.
Nothing will dissuade the blossoming and vulnerable young jedi, and Obi-knows his influence is stretched thin under such affectionately blind loyalty.
Was there anything he could do to change the future rapidly crystallizing in front of them? The moment he cannot see beyond?
"Obi-wan never told you what happened to your father,"
"No... but he told me what happened to you."
Fire.
Chaos.
Confusion.
Pain.
LeiaLeiaLeia...
"Leia!"
Wispy images passed through him, their cloudy promises dancing on the vicious, jagged edges of torment. The vague shadow grew and encompassed him, till it felt like a heavy cloth. He fought past it, throwing out his hands, batting it away...
Luke tumbled to the ground, self-control fleeing from him in a final rush of frustration.
His muscles felt like water, and he felt that if he moved again, he might throw up.
...
It was happening again.
Slipping through his fingers like Pandoran snow.
Destiny was riding on a Skywalker. And as usual, it didn't really care what a Kenobi had to say about it.
His father, his father, dear Force. Vader knows.
I'm sorry Luke.
I'm sorry.
Damn it all to 9 Corellian hells, he'd had enough of being sorry.
Luke was making a mistake.
"Luke... you don't know Vader."
Luke turned to face him briefly, his face tilting blankly, then resolved and kept loading his fighter.
"I don't need to know him. I just need to help Han and Leia. If I know they're going to be in trouble... how can I sit here and do nothing?"
He could've repeated Yoda's warning, to no avail.
A Skywalker was a Skywalker, after all.
"No... I mean you don't know Vader."
The spirit let out a sigh, and took a seat on a tree, and to Luke it seemed that the weight of the galaxy rested upon the being who should have, by all means, been at peace.
He closed the hatch, and turned his head toward his old mentor, wondering at him.
"What do you mean?"
"You will never defeat your enemy, Luke, unless you study him," Obi-wan said slowly, staring at the ground. "And now... you only have had anger, fear, and thoughts of vengeance in your heart. Left alone, you will not defeat him. He is too strong for you."
"I don't have to defeat him!" Luke cried emphatically, "I just want to help Han and Leia! Why do I have to face him?"
"Do you really think you can get that close without that certainty?"
"I have before," Luke stubbornly replied, not lifting his head.
"You escaped Vader because the Force decreed it was not time. You were only an enemy then."
"And now?" Luke asked tiredly.
"His motives are changed. You have blossomed in the force, and he senses your increased command of it, even now. Every day, your presence reminds him of everything he used to be. He is set on success."
Anakin had not accepted failure well.
So he seldom failed.
Vader even less, these days.
Luke was silent for several moments, his spirit growing more downcast by the second, even at his tightening resolve.
"Obi-wan... I- I.. can't..."
He waited patiently for the boy to gather his thoughts. When his words came, only the Force allowed Obi-wan to hear their quiet cry.
"...I feel like... like no matter what I do, I won't be able to change... what's coming. I don't like feeling at the mercy of a-a destiny I didn't ask for. I never wanted this. Power. Control. Wars and enemies. I'm from Tatooine! I'm a nobody! I was a... a moisture farmer, Obi-wan! All I wanted for so long, was to get off of that stupid dust ball. And now... I've seen more of the galaxy than I ever dreamed. Than I ever could have imagined. I've seen more people and made the best friends I could have ever wanted... Felt more at home away from it, and now they're hurt because of me. I've killed more people and caused more destruction than I ever... and now, all I want is to go back."
He couldn't go on.
"All I want... I-I..."
"Peace."
Luke raised his head at last, his eyes shining with tears, and the sole wish of an orphaned war hero was to be a boy again. Free of worry, responsibility.
Free of Regret.
"My dear boy... you have faced no pain that none of us do not leaving home. There is a price for every wish that exists- even the selfless ones cost us our pride. But I have never known you to live long with regret on your mind. You rejoice in purposing yourself with helping others. And for a force-sensitive... learning control of that IS a purpose. If you do not... others will force it on you. Whether you like it or not. We can never long run from our destiny."
The old Jedi looked across at him gently, his eyes just a little sad.
"If you choose to face Vader, I cannot interfere..."
Luke nodded despondently. "I know..."
"... but that does not mean I have nothing to offer you."
At Luke's penetrating look, he shifted, somewhat uncomfortably, and seemed to deliberate.
"I knew him when he was only a small boy, you know. And of course, he was not as he is now. He wasn't just my apprentice, Luke... he was my friend. My closest friend, and ally. He was loyal to people, not primarily in principle. Which, may have been part of the problem. He believed so much in people he was unable to tell when he was being deceived. Relationships mattered to him- people mattered... which is perhaps why we failed him in the first place."
For the first time, the restless energy around Luke stilled, and his brow furrowed. He stood by Obi-wan's side, sinking to the ground as his Teacher's memories refreshed.
"The Jedi Order... forbade attachments, you see. This included familial relationships, as most jedi were taken as infants when they were discovered to be force-sensitive. And also romantic attachments."
Luke snorted. "That sounds rather... untenable," he smirked.
Obi-wan smiled thinly. "Yes, well. For a code that stood for thousands of years, I am surprised now how entrenched it was into Jedi thinking. Nevertheless..." he leaned back, drifting. "...Vader was much as you are now," he smiled sadly, "Young, passionate. Innocent."
"What happened to him?" Luke asked solemnly, curiosity outweighing every former emotion.
Kenobi sighed. "I am not sure if it was one thing, so much as it was a collective circumstance. Pressure points that occurred over years. I took him as my student when he was only 9. He was already a phenomenal pilot... and by the time the clone wars came about, he was the best in the galaxy. He was strong... so very talented. And young. Just younger than you, I think. It was always difficult convincing him that something was impossible. If he believed he could do something, he would nearly always find a way. He saved my life more times than I could ever count, and changed the course of history more than once with his daring and reckless exploits. As a commander, he was brilliant. A master strategist and a cunning warrior. His troops mattered to him, and he would rarely make a decision that would endanger them needlessly, never asking them to act where he would not."
Luke nodded. Even now, Vader's reputation for daring maneuvers and entering battle on the frontlines was well-established. And experienced. He was feared, but respected for his prowess nonetheless.
"So... why... why did he abandon all that? Your friendship? The loyalty of the Jedi? If people mattered so much to him... how could he turn his back on everything he valued?"
Obi-wan gave him a long look, and held Luke's gaze until he could feel the older man's pain.
But there was a carefulness to his voice now.
"Because there was one person who mattered to him more than his fellow Jedi. More than me, even."
His voice quieted.
"His wife."
Oh.
Oh.
His heart stilled. And deep within him, a hammering began, a fluttering that he could not expel.
The Force quivered with it, intensified, and he wanted to itch the inside of his ribs.
"His. Wife."
"Yes. She was a lovely woman- a Senator, in fact. They hid their relationship the entirety of the Clone Wars- an act, which, no doubt, added to his stress. It made Palpatine's influence easier, almost certainly."
"The Emperor?"
"He was Chancellor then... and unfortunately, had made a point of befriending my apprentice when he was quite young. Of course, no one knew of Palpatine's true identitiy- he was a Sith Lord- an avowed enemy of the Jedi, and Master of Deceit- the Dark Side of the Force. He was able to manipulate Vader constantly- and of course, he did not even know it. Towards the end of the Clone Wars, resolution was in sight, a re-election on the horizon, and the Jedi could go back to being the keepers of the peace instead of warriors. It was not to be, however, and Palpatine took every advantage he could get. Padme Amidala was one of the few politicians who fought for righteous justice- she was idealistic, but strong. Deeply compassionate, and stout in her convictions. When she believed a cause to be just, nothing and no one could stop her from seeing it through to the end."
Luke smiled. "And probably quite stubborn."
Obi-wan mirrored his playful gaze. "Very. But good."
"I am not sure what happened, Luke. All I know is that when I left to dispatch a separatist enemy, my apprentice was the wise, caring, passionate young man- the brother- that I loved. And when I returned only a few days later, I discovered a monster."
"But something must have happened! Why would he- or anyone- just turn for no reason?"
It didn't make sense!
"Why, indeed. I do not know for sure- be sure that you remember that- but I can suspect. Palpatine by this time, had nearly all his game pieces in place- but he needed an enforcer. He had been in Vader's corner already for years. Vader had recently been put on the Jedi Council- as Palpatine's representive, per his request- and the Jedi agreed, but not because of Palpatine. They wanted him to report on the Chancellor's activities."
"A double-agent?"
"Yes," Obi-wan shook his head, and Luke could only imagine disaster. "Did he agree?"
"Yes, but only just. His trust in the Jedi was broken. And they had denied him the rank of Jedi Master, which had never been done before. We did not feel he was ready."
Luke winced.
To an ambitious, powerful, master strategist, on top of a stressed out husband...
"It added insult to injury, as you can well imagine."
"Did the Jedi find out about Palpatine- that he was a sith?"
"Yes, in fact, Vader himself discovered it, and told the Jedi. They formed an arrest coalition, for the Chancellor was well over his term limit, and refused to give up his emergency powers even after the war ended. Even so, Vader wouldn't have believed Palpatine for no reason. When I last spoke with him, he truly believed he was bringing peace to the galaxy- that the new Empire was one of order, and structure- that the corruption of the Republic – which it was, no doubt at all- was ended. Yet at the cost of so many. He had massacred his brothers his sisters- even the children."
"He couldn't have. There must be something else... what did his wife think of all this?"
"She didn't know. I went to her and tried to tell her, but she wouldn't believe any of it. How could she?
She knew where her husband had gone- I did not. So I followed her... To fire and death, and the very gates of hell, I followed her, to find him.
She tried to convince him to come back with her and leave everything... how she pleaded! I do not know if he could truly hear her- at any rate, we will never know if she would've succeeded, because I confronted him before he could do her any harm. And corrupted by the dark side, he did try."
It is a horrid thing, the darkness, Luke. It consumes, within and without, devouring the soul until there is no light left to defeat it. It takes the best parts of you and turns them into the worst parts. All the demons spring to life and begin to dance.
I should have ended his life. He was powerful, but arrogant, and it was the destiny the Force had decreed.
I thought he would die on those black fiery shores, but I was wrong. I cost the galaxy a great deal that day. And millions have suffered because of my oversight."
"Know not the purpose for Vader's life, yet we do. If meant to die, was he, let him live, the Force would not."
Yoda's interruption brought Luke back to reality with a start.
"I tell you this, Luke, because Vader was very much like you. And seemingly like many other young, idealistic young men, eager to serve a good cause. He was a good friend, He was my brother. And the Dark side, the Dark side..."
For being only an ethereal being, losing ones composure didn't seem like a possibility. But Luke could see it.
Could see the regret, the worn face too quickly aged, an era of innocence shredded. With a glimpse, the veil was temporarily broken, and he could feel the cracks inside the soul of the man, wounds and scar tissue, never healed, ripped branches from a tree that a storm had tried to rip from the roots. Wounds still bleeding.
An angry, hot feeling coiled in his bowels. How could anyone- Ben's best friend- hurt him in such a way? Why did the universe allow such a horrifying betrayal? Why should Ben have to still carry such a weight?
And it was a weight, no question. It had not left him, no, not even in death. Luke could see it.
"Underestimate the power of the Dark Side, do not," spoke Yoda, more softly this time, undoubtedly seeing Obi-wan's weariness even better than the he.
The sentence seemed to ripple and stretch, hanging in the air between his soul and the many paths of the future. And suddenly, Luke could feel that darkness, a shrewd, patient, devouring essence, willing to wait until every hook had been baited, knowing it could not lose. A willing destroyer of hope, a black hole sucking in all the stars it could find.
Everything had begun to feel shaky, unstable, and inside him, he felt his resolve waver.
"What... what happened to her?"
Because if this played out like the tragedy it was...
"I took her to a medcenter... we tried to save her. But she was weak- her will to live broken. Even... even for her children. The dark side was potent that day. A Darker day since I have never felt, like a pall it has been on the galaxy, an oppressiving snow, a winter in the Force... yet that day the light hid from nearly all of us. As Vader was sustained by the darkside... I know not what darkness Palpatine used to keep him alive, but force-bonds are powerful things. Even with non-jedi. As the Darkness in Vader grew, Padme's light faded.
Vader lived... a shell of his former self, devoid of all that had made him human. His dignity, his manhood, his principles... of love and compassion- everything that had made him what he was he sacrificed in a moment of deception.
I am not certain, Luke, the catalyst for his turn, but she was the key. Somehow, in someway, Palpatine had something that he wanted. That he needed. And I do not know what it was.
Yet I am almost certain that if she had not died that day, he would have had something to live for, to come back to. A family, certainly. Forgiveness, redemption.
And now, he has none of that. And no hope. He lives in utter misery, blackness, despair, living only to serve that engulfing madness on a greater level."
Luke was silent a long while.
"That is the most dismal, tragic story I've ever heard in my entire life," he murmured quietly.
"Mine too," Obi-wan replied.
"You remind him of everything he lost, Luke. Every day, you remind him of everything he used to be. He would own that strength, command it, if he could. He does not wish to kill you. Which is what makes your position dangerous. There are worse fates than death. Do not underestimate the power he holds, the temptations awaiting you. Do not overestimate your own strength."
His mouth tasted like ash.
Gingerly, he rubbed the insides of his palms with his fingers.
Vader...
A friend?
A husband?
A father?
Lost.
All Lost.
Vader...
Vader had been him, once.
And now, the vision in the cave took on a whole new meaning.
Not only was Luke himself his own enemy...
He had the potential to become Vader.
Vader had been and had everything he had, once.
Sobered, and mind quieted, he buried his face in his knees, even as his throat tightened.
Leia.
Han.
Vader wanted him, him only. Had been after him for three years. And after that dangerous hassle on Cymoon 1...
He wasn't sure he wanted to see him.
Not now.
Not knowing this.
How could he?
"If Palpatine had been defeated... Vader would most likely be your jedi mentor, not I."
Luke sharply turned to him, eyes wide with mild horror.
But Obi-wan only chuckled wistfully.
"Destiny has a way of repeating itself, even in these corrupted universes."
"I tell you this Luke... not to reveal the personal information of a friend- not even so that you would understand him- but to understand yourself. Your own vulnerability. But this is still a deep, secret part of his life. He must never know what I have told you, and you must never, ever use any of this against him, if you value your head. Even should Vader wish you alive, there's no telling what his temper would result in if you were to be foolish."
Luke nodded.
"Obviously."
He took a long breath.
And another.
Father...
Husband.
Jedi.
Friend.
All these, his enemy had been once.
Human.
Tragically, irreversibly, soulfully.
Was it possible...
Was it possible that man still lived in Vader?
The reckless, passionate, caring and noble young soul that so fought for those he loved?
Force, what was he thinking?
The man had killed his father, for Force's sake.
He owed it to his father to avenge his blood.
And yet...
How could he, when he could no longer muster complete hate for the man? It was one thing to hate a souless machine, an unfeeling beast.
But a living being who had loved, and fought for that love once...
He could've been me.
He was me.
What was there to stop him from being any different than Vader?
The Force flickered in his mind, and Leia's consciousness flared inside.
She was frightened.
Fine.
So be it.
Legs like wire, he rose, shaky to his core.
He could do this.
He could do this.
He turned to Obi-wan, to thank him...
But the old man was gone.
Only Yoda stood, sadly, ears drooping.
And strangely, Luke did not want to leave.
He wanted more.
He needed more.
But...
"I have to go,"
Why, why did it feel like pleading?
Make me stay.
"If go you must, find the strength, you will. Trust the Force! Save you it can."
The old Master's raspy voice calmed his spirit, and something in his soul settled.
So be it.
He didn't remember climbing up the ladder and into his X-wing.
Didn't remember strapping on his helmet, tearing through the misty atmosphere, and jetting to hyperspace.
Artoo's bloops of concern went unnoticed.
His heart had quieted, but that fluttered hammering still lived deep in his bowels.
The Forced shivered around his aura, and in the wake of that rippling pool, the waters settled.
And one word lived in his mind.
Padme.
