AN: I wrote another one-shot who would have guessed? No but really I've had a lot of inspiration for these two lately, might as well put it to good use. For now this is a one shot but if enough people like it maybe I'll turn it into a story later on. This takes place sometime after the Thanksgiving episode of season 2 and before the Christmas one. Reviews are always appreciated. Thank y'all again for the support. Happy reading!


Holy shit.

This wasn't how her morning was supposed to go. Hell, this wasn't how she imagined any point of her life going. Meredith stood hovering over the bathroom vanity. One hand clutching the edge of the sink and the other curled around a plastic stick. If she wasn't already numb to emotion she would have likely cried by now. Not from joy but from anger, sadness, rage. She's certain she isn't the only other woman in the world who's been caught in a tricky situation like this. Cristina comes to mind and suddenly Meredith realizes why her person was so hell bent on terminating the pregnancy.

Except somehow Meredith's situation was much worse. At least Cristina knew Burke loved her or cared for her. At least she and Burke were in a consenting relationship. At least Burke didn't have a secret wife hidden in Manhattan. Her stomach roiled and it had little to do with hormones.

They were careful. He bought stupid glow in the dark condoms. She remembered laughing as he pulled it out of the package. This type of thing did not happen to Meredith Grey. Sure, there'd been scares in the past but the test never… it never came back positive. She'd been so sure this time would be like the rest and yet there she was gaping at the tiny pink plus indicating her fate. It felt like the stupid piece of plastic was laughing at her. Which was crazy because pregnancy tests couldn't laugh, they were plastic! Even if she was still with Derek, Meredith wasn't cut out to be a mother. Her own mom chose work over her time and time again. She was raised by nannies. She doesn't remember a single time Ellis even said she loved her daughter. She was scared her own baby would face similar indiscretions.

Meredith bit her lip trying to avoid the sobs that desperately wanted out. Izzie and George were just down the hall, completely oblivious to what she was doing in the bathroom. If she cried or screamed they would check on her, ask what happened, they'd want answers. Meredith wasn't ready to accept the news herself and she sure as hell didn't want to explain to her roommates. The same roommates that hadn't approved of her relationship with Derek from the beginning. We told you so they'd say. She wasn't ready to deal with the judgement.

She wasn't sure what to do at that moment. Mindlessly she shoved the test in her back pocket, washed her hands, and left the bathroom feeling nauseated.

"Hey, everything alright?" The feminine voice startled her. Her shock seemed evident considering Izzie was glaring at her with concern written all over her face. The tall blonde stood maybe three feet from Meredith. She was wearing a familiar bubblegum pink tank and striped pajama pants that were wrinkled from recent sleep. Her hair was wild too. Meredith didn't want to talk to her. She wanted to lock herself in her room for the rest of eternity.

Tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, "I'm fine." left her lips mechanically. It was her go to. She was always fine.

Izzie crunched her brows. "You always say that."

"Well I am. I'm fine."

Her friend strolled closer. What was it with Izzie and her insistent need to pry? Why couldn't she mind her business every once in a while. What Meredith did in her personal life had nothing to do with Izzie!

"You're flushed and you were in the bathroom forever. Seriously, do you feel okay? I think there's a bug going around at the hospital…. maybe you caught it. George had it last week, I knew he'd give it to one of us!" She rambled. Meredith found herself tuning out as she went on and on about how George should have been more careful. About how ridiculous it was that the hospital expected them to come in when they're sick. "Earth to Mer! Are you even listening?"

No she thought. I'm too busy thinking about being knocked up by an attending she didn't say. "Sorry I… I really am fine Iz, I think it's just my period." Despite Izzie's nosiness, Meredith knew deep down she was probably just concerned. Izzie cared about people.

Izzie pursed her lips. She didn't seem entirely convinced but replied, "Alright." in defeat. She watched Izzie shuffle into the shared bathroom and heard the lock click.

Meredith escaped to her bedroom before George decided to come out and play twenty questions with her too. Her bed was still unmade. There was a trashcan perched by her bedside table, empty thankfully. She'd been so nauseous the night before. The ginger ale and stale crackers on her table were merely evidence. A gut feeling had been present since yesterday afternoon she was pregnant. It's why she swiped a handful of tests from a supply closet when no one was watching. She couldn't take the test when she got home the prior evening. She just wanted one more night before she had to come to terms with reality. One last night to live in denial and pretend her period was late because of stress and she was sick because George passed his stomach bug along to her. Meredith's worst fears were confirmed when her test was positive. It gaped at her like a flashing sign, there's a baby in your belly, congratulations mommy!

It was rather amusing. The thing she worried about most wasn't even being pregnant. It was telling Derek. A lot of people, her friends especially, would agree Derek didn't deserve to know anything. Cristina would tell her to abort the baby and never let him know it happened. Because he wasn't her boyfriend anymore. He was nothing to her other than the guy who told her what to do at work. He belonged to Addison.

But she couldn't do that to him. Even though he hurt her. She hated that deep down she still loved him. It was terrifying to think she would probably love him for the rest of her life. She felt pathetic. She was pathetic. And despite Derek Shepherd being a jackass that broke her heart, he was still the father or more so sperm donor in this case. He deserved to know.

Meredith pulled the test from her pocket and shoved the evidence in her bedside table. She spent some time cleaning up around her bedroom. Putting the trashcan back inside her bathroom, throwing away the crackers, pouring out the rest of the ginger ale, putting the pepto back inside her medicine cabinet. When she was satiated, Meredith climbed back into the tornado of bed linens. She waited till the sound of Izzie's sedan starting roared outside. She couldn't make this phone call with her roommates still here. This was private. Meredith had the day off. She secretly pleaded with Alex Karev to take her shift. If Izzie knew she was being friendly with Alex she'd probably bite her head off or worse… He'd been her only option though. She was glad he accepted without pestering why. Meredith didn't know if Derek was off. She didn't keep up with his schedule anymore. Calling him was a gamble. Because what if she called and a nurse picked up while he was elbows deep in someone's brain? Or worse what if Addison picked up? Did he still have her in his caller I.D? If she wasn't in his contacts anymore it would just be a number flashing across the screen. If someone else answered she could simply hang up.

She decided to roll the dice. He was still listed in her phone. Their last phone call had been over a month ago. It was the night they were going to meet at the bar. But he never showed and a train came and she gave an embarrassing speech in a scrub room and he declined her offer. It was so humiliating. For a second her thumb hovered over the keypad. He really didn't deserve shit from her. She probably wasn't going to keep the baby whether he knew or not. He didn't deserve this call. She thought about the guilt that would follow her if she didn't.

The line began to ring.

Maybe he won't answer. Maybe his phone is turned off. Maybe she won't have to deal with this now.

"Hello?" Fuck.

Meredith sat in silence for a beat. Hang up! Hang up you moron! She didn't. She couldn't. Would he hang up if she didn't say anything for a moment longer? He would likely think it was a butt dial or something.

"Meredith? Are you alright?" When he said her name she wanted to die.

"Don't hang up!" she blurted before he could say anything else. "I'm fine. I'm okay I'm just…"

"You don't sound fine. Is something wrong?" Derek asked. His tone was so gentle. She could imagine him tilting his head like he usually did. His puppy dog eyes staring at her. She could practically see the concern for her well-being swimming in the pools of blue.

Meredith was grinding her teeth to stop herself from crying. No she wasn't fine. She was exhausted. Everyday of her life she had to be fine. She had to be strong and resilient because god forbid she let her guard down even for a second. The desire to curl up in Derek's arms and cry until her throat hurt was overwhelming. She wanted him to hold her and kiss her hair and tell her things would be okay. He was good at that, calming people down. It's why all his patients loved him. She figured it's why Addison loved him. The reason she wanted to fight for their marriage.

"Are you working?" She timidly asked. Her fingers played with the loose thread dangling from the ankle of her knit pants.

"Yes I-" He started to speak. He was cut off and she could hear muffled voices in the background. Familiar voices. Dr. Webber she managed. A feminine voice… Addison. "Just a colleague." He wasn't speaking to her. He was talking to his wife. Meredith was nothing more than a co-worker. "Yes, a colleague, a friend! God why do you have to make everything about her? I can't even talk to someone without your need to pry." Meredith fought the urge to snort. Addison wasn't being a paranoid spouse considering he really was talking to Meredith. It made her angry he felt the need to hide they were having a conversation.

She was ready to end the call but he spoke again. "Hey, I'm sorry Addison… never mind. I stepped into an on-call room. What's up?"

"It's okay." it wasn't. "I'm sorry to bother you at work." she wasn't. "What time do you get off today?"

"Uh six. Could be later if a crazy case comes in but it's been pretty mellow most of the day." He said. "I probably just jinxed myself." He chuckled. His laughter was like a warm embrace. "Also I was disappointed to find Dr. Karev on my service today. I thought you were scheduled to be on-call today."

She rolled her eyes. "I didn't feel great last night. I got Alex- Dr. Karev to switch with me today in case I still felt crappy."

"Do you?"

"Hmm?"

"Feel crappy still?"

"Yeah."

They were both silent for a beat. He sniffled. "I'm sorry you aren't feeling well." and he sounded so fucking sincere.

"It's fine-" She started to say.

"You know you say that a lot." Meredith could practically see the smirk on his face.

"Can you stop being so fucking chatty for three seconds so I can finish my sentence?" She snapped. He really was a chatty guy. He loved to talk. During the nights they spent together before Addison, after all the great sex, he would talk to her. About anything. Even if she was half asleep. He would chat about a million things if he could've. "Sorry. I just need to get my point across and you make it so difficult. You love to interrupt people." She imagined the assertion might bruise his ego. Deep down he was insecure about a lot of things. Most people didn't see that because he put on an excellent front. He was probably self conscious about how much he talked and she just put the nail in the coffin. But the scrape was nothing compared to the gash he'd given her the last few months. He deserved whatever she could dish out.

He didn't say anything else. "Hello?" Meredith asked.

"You said not to talk." His tone innocent, quiet.

"You know you're kinda insufferable sometimes? Like really freaking insufferable."

"I know, Mer." his voice was weak. He was acting like she ran over his puppy or something… "I have to get to a surgery in about ten minutes, why did you call?"

"Could you meet me somewhere tonight? It's really important and tonight is the only night I'm available to do it. I work everyday for the rest of the week. And don't say you can't because of your wife. You owe me. If I told you to get on the ground and lick my heel you should do it because of everything you've put me through. You broke me. So you better say yes and you better be at the place where the ferry docks at 7:30 unless a huge pileup comes in and you're forcibly unable to meet me. Got it?"

"You're very bossy."

"Shut up. So you'll be there?"

She imagined him nodding, grinning like an idiot at her antics. "Yes, I'll be there."

"Good." And then she promptly hung up.

Meredith flopped back against rumpled pillows. She stared at the ceiling, unsure of what to do next. It was one thing asking Derek to meet her but it was entirely another coming up with how she'd even tell him. She was worried he might be mad. Even though it wasn't just her fault. He willingly had sex with her. They both knew condoms weren't always certain. But that was something Derek would do. He had a slight temper. He got frustrated so easily. Usually he came down from that quickly. Other times he didn't. But it made her nervous he wouldn't be calm about this after all was said and done.

The rest of her day meandered by. She folded some laundry, made her bed, studied for rounds and potential surgeries. It was nice being alone. At the end of the day she loved that Izzie and George lived with her. But sometimes she envied Cristina and how she was free to live by herself. The quiet was nice. She thought about how the rest of her life would never be quiet again if she kept the baby. No, she wasn't going to keep it or was she? Meredith didn't know. Every time she weighed her options it made her head throb and she stopped thinking about it. A small part of her hoped Derek would be her voice of reason.

George asked where she was headed around 6:45. He caught her coming down the stairs. She wore low rise jeans and a red henley. A bit of her midriff showed when she lifted her arms. "You look nice." He complimented her.

"Uh, meeting someone for dinner." She lied. Meredith didn't miss the disappointment he wore. "Don't wait up I don't know when I'll be home."

"Oh, be safe, Mer." It seemed like he'd wanted to say more. She noticed that about him. Like he was harboring a secret and was desperate to tell her but couldn't find the words.

"I will, don't worry." She squeezed his shoulder and brushed past him.

It started drizzling when she pulled out of her driveway. It felt like the universe was aligning with the tone of the evening. She doesn't remember how long it took to get to the ferry dock. She doesn't remember how long she was waiting till the blinding headlights of Derek's battered Land Rover shined through her back window. Her body felt like it was functioning on autopilot. She barely flinched when the passenger door opened. The car bounced but inertia steadied it. Derek was drenched by the downpour. His normally coiffed locks were damp and dangling in his eyes. His leather jacket glistened with raindrops. He pushed his hair back before settling into the seat. The leather squeaked as he situated himself.

Meredith didn't speak and he didn't prod. For a beat they relished the silence and watched the ferryboats. This was where they had their second date. They picnicked in his car, drank wine. It was raining similarly to the way it was tonight. He kissed her and felt her up. She crawled into his lap to straddle him and he'd touched her. Touched her so wonderfully she thought she was going to die right then and there. She remembered coming down from her high and sinking in his arms. He held her like that for so long. They watched the boats for a long time after.

"Meredith?" He gently said her name. "Why are we here?"

"Derek…" Her rosy lips quivered as she began to speak. But she couldn't get more than his name off her tongue before she started to cry. She wasn't sobbing but tears gingerly fell down her face. Meredith didn't know if he could see. She didn't fucking care.

"Meredith you know we… if this is about us we just… we can't. Addison and I are trying to work it out-"

"You're such an ass."

"What?"

She turned to meet his gaze. "You make EVERYTHING about you. I'm not a lovestruck teenager that's obsessed with you. This isn't about being with you. Trust me, I know you're with Addison. You two make it known to me every minute of every day. I watch as she subtly puts her arm around your waist when she catches me even so much as glimpsing your way at work. She's marking her territory like a dog. So yeah, I know you're with her. I didn't call you here just hoping you'd make love to me in the backseat and whisper how much you loved me when I came. Trust me when I say I wouldn't have ever called you again if I didn't have to. I don't owe you anything!" Her throat hurt as she screamed at him. She wanted to slap him. At the same time she wanted to hug him and never let go. Hating him really was exhausting and she was so tired of having to do it.

Meredith curled into herself. She was sobbing freely. He didn't say anything but he did stroke her back. After a long time he whispered "Shh.." and "Mer, you're shaking." He seemed worried. It wasn't his place to worry about her anymore. She knew he couldn't stop himself though.

"You're okay, it's okay." he whispered. "Drink some water." He handed her the bottle of water in her cup holder, and he held it in front of her till she was steady enough to take it.

"Thanks." Meredith mumbled when she began to calm down. She gulped at that water like her mouth was on fire. She'd probably puke it up later. She really didn't care.

Derek cleared his throat. "Whenever you're ready, please let me know why you asked me to meet you here. You're starting to scare the shit out of me. Because even though I'm not your boyfriend, I still care about you, Meredith. And you don't seem fine. So for the love of god don't say you're fine or you're okay because clearly you aren't. What the hell is bothering you?"

Meredith didn't look at him when she said it. Couldn't. Her eyes remained firm on the sunroof. Rain eclipsed her view of the stars in the sky. "I'm pregnant." Meredith breathed out slowly. She didn't know how he might react. She didn't know anything but that the weight resting on her chest the last twelve hours was a little lighter. If anything at least she could breathe easier.

"How do you…" He finally spoke. She didn't dare look at him. She couldn't look at him.

She knew what he was asking. How was she sure the baby was his? She hadn't been celibate since they broke up. Although she only started sleeping with random guys three weeks ago to fill the awful void in her heart. It wasn't working. "I haven't had my period in two months. I thought it was just stress because of work and well… I didn't think anything of it because I've skipped cycles before. Except a week ago I started hurling non-stop. I took a test this morning and it was positive." She gulped. "I didn't start sleeping with other people until after Thanksgiving."

He didn't speak for a while. She suspected he was probably drinking in the news. She didn't mind the quiet. "I don't think I'll keep it. Even if you broke my heart and made me feel like shit, I thought you deserved to know. I couldn't do anything without telling you first."

"Pregnant." When he said it he sounded like he'd never heard of the word before and he was testing it out for the first time. "There's a living thing inside of you right now?"

Meredith finally turned to look at him. His expression wasn't what she expected. He looked almost… he looked happy. "That's how pregnancy works, yes." Meredith giggled.

"No wonder you've been so sick. I know you think I don't acknowledge you anymore but you're wrong. You didn't seem okay but it wasn't my place to pry. Dr. Bailey even… well she told me to stop trying to get involved in your business. So I didn't ask if you were okay. But I should have."

"Derek-"

"I should have done a lot of things I didn't."

What he did next nearly made her jump. He reached to brush her hair back, to smooth her bangs from her eyes, and he kept his palm tucked against her cheek. His hand was ice but she didn't dare ask him to move it. "I knew you were glowing. I thought maybe I was just imagining things but a couple days ago you were standing at the nurses station reading a patient's chart. You were so entranced. You wore a lilac shirt beneath your scrubs and your hair was up in a ponytail. I'm sure people saw me staring but I couldn't peel my eyes off of you. I knew you looked different."

They both leaned forward but didn't kiss. Derek nuzzled his nose against her forehead. She should have told him to stop. He loved doing this. Messing with her head. Loved to make her believe that maybe he might just leave his wife and be with her instead. She didn't want to be that girl and yet she was.

"I don't think I'm going to keep the baby, Derek." Meredith whispered into their heat.

"I understand. It's your decision. But I'll support you. If you do decide to keep the baby I'll support that too. And I will help you raise the baby if that's what you want. If you have an abortion I'll drive you to the clinic and hold your hand. You aren't alone, Mer."

He started to kiss her tenderly. Their lips brushed hesitantly. This was wrong. He was married to someone else. His wife was at home, probably waiting for him. Except Meredith wasn't just the intern he'd been screwing. She was pregnant with his baby. It wasn't so black and white anymore.

"You're married." Meredith mumbled as he kissed her. He smoothed his hands down her waist, curling around her hips.

"You're pregnant." He countered as if it were competition. He migrated to her neck and she couldn't deny the moan that crept out when his lips touched her pulse. His fingers fumbled with her zipper. His right hand slipped beyond the fabric of her jeans. His fingers brushed her center. She moaned like she ached.

"Does that feel good?" His breath tickled her neck. Meredith nodded somewhere in the fog. He touched her for what felt like forever. Her fingers curled around the head rest when she was close. She should have told him to stop but she didn't. It had been so long since they were together. With only his hand he made her feel more than any guy she'd picked up from the bar.

The tension popped loose in minutes. She was probably crying out so loud people could hear her. She didn't care. Her body shook and it felt like ages before she came back down to earth. She rested her head back against the window when all was said and done. She'd probably regret this tomorrow. For now she was satisfied and couldn't have cared even if Addison was standing right outside her Jeep.

"Thank you." Her voice raspy.

Derek retreated back to his seat. When she opened her eyes he was staring at her like she was the most perfect thing in the entire world. "Let's leave town." He said.

Meredith laughed. "We're not leaving town."

"Why not? There's nothing in Seattle holding us back. Let's just go, right now."

"I have a job here. You have a job here and a wife."

Derek grimaced. "I don't care about that. I care about you. We could go anywhere you want. We could jump on a plane or a train or just start driving."

"Derek, we can't leave Seattle." She said again but she meant it this time. As tempting as it seemed to just leave and never look back, running away wouldn't solve their problems. At the end of the day their problems would still be problems. "I told you I don't know if I'll keep the baby."

"And I don't care. If you keep the baby then I'll be happy and if you don't I'll be happy. I want to leave just so I can be with you. I'm so tired of pretending I'm in love with Addison. I don't want to keep trying with her. I can't."

"Then tell her that, Derek. Stop being such a coward. quit making yourself and everyone around you miserable because you're indecisive. If you truly don't love her, then divorce her. But I can't be the girl you meet up with at hotels to fuck only so you can go back home to her. I won't be that girl." Maybe she was being hypocritical considering she just let him give her the most amazing orgasm she could recount in months. But she didn't want this to become a habit.

"And if I do?"

"What?"

His palm covered her knee. "Can we be together?"

"I don't…"

"I love you, Meredith. Please say we can be together. I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you… forever. I don't want to pretend anymore."

His eyes glistened. She hadn't been the only one in pain. He hurt too. He just wasn't allowed to show it. "I can't promise you that."

"Why not? I know you love me, Mer." He replied.

She sighed. "I do, but…"

"You're trying to protect yourself."

"Kind of. You hurt me. I've never loved anyone until I met you. You can't blame me for not wanting to let my guard down again." Even if he ran home to serve Addison divorce papers then and there, Meredith didn't know if she could be with him again. Not until she could learn to trust him again and who knew how long that would take.

"I suppose not." He looked disappointed. "But I'm going to end it. Even if we can't be anything more than friends. I don't want to waste the rest of my life on someone I'm not in love with." I love you he didn't say but it wasn't hard to tell he wanted to

"It's not a no, Derek. It's a maybe."

"Maybe." he repeated.

She nodded. She reached for his hand. His skin was rough around the edges. Probably from all the times he'd scrubbed his hands raw before a surgery. She kissed his veined flesh. He smelled like rain and pine. "Could you stay just a little longer? I don't think I'm ready to be alone."

"Yeah," and he shot her a watery smile. He gestured for her to crawl across the console and sit with him. She obliged. The fit was cramped and her backside would be numb soon but being in his arms again was worth it. Their legs tangled and he kissed her hair. They stayed that way for a long while.