When You're Not There
Mikami is alone in their bedroom staring out the window with no lights on. Kyoko walks in and asks him what he is doing. Mikami tells her, "Nothing."
"It's not like you to stand around doing nothing. You're usually doing something at your desk at this time on this day every week, every month. Why the sudden change?"
"…"
"Please, talk to me. It's strange when you suddenly deviate from your routine. Not that I am always here to see it."
"…It's…" Mikami started.
He almost felt tempted to tell her what was going on but changed his mind. He decided to talk about something else instead.
"I just wanted to look outside."
Kyoko can sense that's not it. Despite the fact, they hadn't been together for that long, she was starting to read him more clearly. At first it was difficult for her to predict anything because he was always stone-faced, acting stoic and dry. Well, his thoughts were difficult to predict, but his obsessive need for keeping schedules made his actions predictable. But she was getting better at noticing the subtle changes in his tone of voice and facial expressions. With him, that was the only way of telling. It helped her understand what his mood was. And she was already too used to Mikami not looking at her face when they talk to let it bother her anymore. But she also realized she was starting to pick up if he was lying to her or not. And he was definitely lying to her right now. She realized accusing him won't help her get anything out of him, it might be better to give him reassurance.
"I can tell that's not true…You can talk to me about anything, you know. I'm always here to listen."
He didn't move or say anything for about a minute. He turned and faced her. Even with no lights on, she could see he was giving her his full attention. His eyes were fixed on her, as if he saw something she couldn't. Actually, that was the case. Mikami was staring at Kyoko's name Mikami Kyoko lifespan hovering over her head. He couldn't read how many years, months, or days Kyoko had left because the number was in Shinigami time and he didn't know how to convert it to human time. He had already cut his own remaining lifespan in half but had no idea how much time he had to live because he never knew how many years he had left before making that deal. He stared at Kyoko's lifespan and thought about how temporary all human life was, including hers, his own. The thought of Kyoko dying made him sad.
He never fully understood his feelings toward Kyoko. He knew of her before they met in person, because of her family, and the Kira economic theory she created and wrote extensively about. They met in person, simply by chance, when they were attending Pro-Kira conventions. He almost didn't notice her at first, she was so unnoticeable at first glance. Only after meeting her, he found out that she was unexpectedly placed in the Ministry of Defense and is currently a soldier in the Japanese Defense Forces. There she was, by herself in the corner of the room, legs crossed, trying not to draw attention to herself. Casually dressed, her hair undone, wearing no makeup, but her cheeks red, and her eyes facing down. He thought someone born into her privilege and status would be much more obvious, surrounded by people all the time.
When he first saw her in real life, he didn't recognize her right away. Even though she's only 24 years old, she looked a lot older than she really is. Her nervous, but serious and solid demeanor gave him the impression she was a principal in a school full of rowdy teenagers. He couldn't believe that he managed to get her alone, and how easy she was to talk to. How plain she dressed was another thing he didn't expect. He never really thought about it but perhaps he always had an image she would wear expensive dresses and diamonds in her daily private life because she was born a princess. And how normal she was, despite the Yamazaki being one of the five elite families of the country. She lived by herself in a small apartment and when he asked her why she didn't get herself a better house, she said it was all the space she needed. Despite being able to afford it, she didn't hire body guards, either, her reason being her life was not worth more than anyone else's. He had never seen anyone try so hard to live as simple and minimalist as possible. She told him of her dream to make the world prosperous and peaceful enough where no one would need to resort to crime. He found her to be overly idealistic, but somehow with her intelligence, she made even seemingly unrealistic goals sound almost plausible.
He wondered what it would be like to have her in bed with him. He wanted to touch her hair and feel her skin. Also, he didn't want to admit it to himself but she was even more beautiful in real life than on the tv screen. He knew fantasizing about her was his guilty pleasure so he tried not to look at her too much. Her body is his paradise. From the time he first saw her naked, he liked the meat on her bones, her large breasts, her waist, she was hairier than he imagined but it didn't bother him in the least. She often defied his expectations, which further intrigued him. He came to the realization she was so similar to his mother in many ways—her mannerisms, her personality, her smile... He remembers how he used to think to himself, he would never marry a woman like his mother. Yet, he had done it. In the future, even when Kyoko is old, withered, and grey, he would still desire to lay by her side. She would always be the woman of his eyes. He would miss her if she was gone.
Back to the present, staring at her remaining lifespan, he knew the hour of her death will someday come. Even though Kyoko knew something was going on, she couldn't guess what he could be thinking.
"I love you.", Mikami said to her, catching her off guard.
He touched her face and the strands of Kyoko's loose hair that was normally tied back. She blushed and stared down into the darkness. He kissed her lips and hugged her. When he held her against him, she thought about how she couldn't remember the last time he said he loved her or touched her. After that one month they were passionately in love and got married, they had become distant. She dismissed it as their daily lives made them too busy to spend much time together. It also didn't help that the army required her to stay away from home for such long periods of time. Although she knew her feelings for him hadn't changed and never would, she couldn't be sure about his. Well…who could ever be sure of how the other person really feels? There were times she truly thought he didn't love her as much as he once did. She wished she could fix that, she wanted to make him proud of her…but she didn't know how. She was relieved to think that his feelings for her didn't dry up entirely. For the first in a long time, she felt like nothing was wrong in the world, he made her feel safe with him. "I love you, too.", she said.
