After my homework was done, I walked upstairs to my room, ready for bed. The corner of my eye betrayed me, sneaking a glance at the calendar on the wall before I left the kitchen. My heart thudded. It was July twenty-first.
Less than a month away.
I went into my room, changed into my pajamas, and scurried under the covers.
My window was cracked open, and I could smell the humid summer air. It was warm, like a thick blanket. I was so used to Edward's cool skin always within reach to balance it out.
Naturally, I was on edge about the wedding, but that wasn't the concern that weighed in my mind. It was what would be happening – hopefully – about ten hours after we said our I do's, in an undisclosed location that I was not allowed to know.
I knew it was classic Bella to be thinking more about that part than the actual ceremony or the dress or the fact I'd be a married woman. I shuddered. I started to worry about that part. Walking on heels in front of all those people . . .
I had always disagreed with Edward when he said he was a monster, but . . . this was cutting it close. Making me agree to holy conjugality – even though neither of us even went to church on Sundays and one of us had complicated ordeals from childhood about marriage – before giving me what I wanted.
And it was for my soul. I was pure and still invited to heaven, or whatever lie beyond. Edward, on the other hand . . . he'd killed, stolen, cheated on taxes. And those were his words, not mine. I still believed it was impossible for a soul like his to be damned.
I wondered if he really assumed I would never commit any other mortal sins. If I ended up going crazy with bloodlust as a newborn and taking out a few hikers, would this marriage before consummation have not even been necessary?
Maybe I was the monster for agreeing to this for the wrong reason.
People were supposed to get married because of love or commitment or religion or insurance, not because they simply wanted to sleep with their vampire boyfriend.
I was terrible. He was terrible.
I wanted him forever.
And I had no idea how to do this.
It wasn't a sudden awareness or anything, I always knew that I was awkward and inexperienced. But I'd wanted him since the minute we'd met. I knew that was true, but that didn't mean I wasn't nervous.
My education was from the many books I'd read, movies, and the mandatory health classes in middle school. My mother had attempted to have conversations with me when I was around ten years old, but clearly, I'd grown up a bit since then.
I felt hideously unprepared, and I suddenly wished I did have someone to talk to. An older friend, maybe. Preferably someone who I could trust not to smirk or roll their eyes. I was a bit touchy about the whole affair.
My mom came to mind again, but Renée was hundreds of miles away. And I was never fond of embarrassing phone calls. Charlie was out of the question. Obviously.
I could talk to Edward about it since it concerned him directly, but I didn't know if he would understand me. As a guy, could he? He claimed to be just as amateurish as me, but I still had my doubts. Even if he was innocent as a teenager, one hundred years was a very long time. And I still had my doubts about all those gorgeous female vampires in Denali . . .
I shook my head, trying not to think about it. I'm sure he was more informed, with reading minds and everything. And there was a good chance he'd freak and back out if I expressed any sort of hesitation or fear. He had his brothers and Carlisle, and I knew he had talked to them. Or soon would.
I was sure they all knew about our little deal, anyway. Emmett was probably too excited to have a heart-to-heart.
My human friends were out, too. For all I was aware, Jessica and Angela could be in my same boat. And if they weren't, well . . . I didn't really want to know any details, which I knew Jessica would give unsolicited.
That left me . . . Alice or Rosalie?
My stomach twisted in knots.
I couldn't even imagine bringing it up to Rosalie – hey, I know I'm completely disregarding the value of humanity and personally offending you by doing so, but I'm making the choice, which you didn't have, to extend my human life a bit. Oh, and it's for sex – knowing that the topics of both immortality and sex were sensitive to her. Of course, it was completely justified.
I'm not sure how helpful Alice would be, and she would be one to do some smirking. She was too much like a sister.
There was someone else, though. Someone who I knew would be gentle and uncritical, who'd never made any fun or been anything besides supportive.
I could feel myself starting to drift off to sleep as my body relaxed. My heart slowly descended. I was still anxious, but now I had a plan. I made a mental reminder to ask Alice if I could sleep over tomorrow night.
It was dark outside now, the enormous Cullen residence a beacon of warm light in the middle of a grim forest.
Edward, Carlisle and Jasper were on one of their hunting trips to northern California, and the house was almost empty.
Earlier in the day at school, I'd sat at lunch with Alice and casually suggested a sleepover, and of course she'd enthusiastically agreed. I was sure that Edward already appointed her on my patrol anyway. I was just making the babysitting job easier.
She didn't know my true incentive, but she was happy all the same.
Alice and I had just returned from shopping in Seattle. I helped her haul no less than a hundred shopping bags into the Porsche – she was in charge of everyone's wardrobe, apparently – and then she bought me dinner. When we got back to the house, we watched some silly rom-com on the huge flatscreen while Rosalie and Emmett played Slap Jack in the kitchen. It was wildly entertaining to listen to.
"You know, Bella," Alice had said when the end credits started to roll and "Blood" by The Middle East was blaring on the speakers, "You don't have to run off to Esme. You're like a sister to me."
I flushed bright red.
Damn psychic vampire. How long ago did she see that? For all I knew, it was last night when I made the decision. I felt guilty.
"Why do you hate me?" She was pouting a little bit, her eyes narrowed and reproachful.
"I don't hate you, Alice," I groaned. Here we go.
"It's okay," she said. "I just thought we were close."
"We are. I—" I stuttered. "I really did want to spend time with you."
"But you didn't want my advice."
"You'd make fun of me," I accused.
I had wanted to avoid this. I'd wanted to avoid any conversation with anyone about Edward and I and our honeymoon and having sex in general, but I was desperate.
"Hm," Alice muttered. "I just assumed it was because I never had sex as a human, but Esme has."
I paused. I hadn't even thought of that. Alice was only nineteen, anyway. And her human life had been anything but normal.
"That's not why," I said. "Would that make a difference?"
Alice cocked her head to the side, thoughtful. "I'm not sure. I don't really have any memory from my human life, of course. Amnesia will do that to a person. But Esme might."
I chewed on my lip. "I'm just . . . worried? I thought that maybe . . . Esme would understand. She's the closest thing I have to a mom here in Forks."
"Why are you worried?" she wondered. Her golden eyes were trained on my face.
I shrugged, embarrassed. "My first time is going to take place with the imminent risk of my own death, and also I'm incredibly awkward and self-conscious and have no idea what I'm doing. The entire thing has me a bit . . . nervous."
"Hmm. You really don't want me to answer your questions?" She pressed. "I probably could. What do you want to know, Bella? I know a lot, more than you would think. You know only ten percent of women can orgasm from penetration alone?"
I felt my face go red again. I heard the muted voices in the next room go silent, as Rosalie and Emmett started listening intently now.
"God, Alice!" I complained.
Alice was staring at my burning cheeks. "Do you need a cold compress?"
I stood up quickly, not amused.
"What?" she asked innocently.
I gestured to the hallway. "Do you mind, if I—?"
"Go ahead," she chirped, waving me off. "Esme is reading on the balcony upstairs. Can I paint your nails after?"
The hallway lead to the white staircase, where hundreds of graduation caps hung proudly on the wall. Edward's room was on the right when I reached the landing, and I had the urge to go there instead.
No. Why was I such a wimp?
I turned left instead, passing Alice's room and heading to the dead-end of the hallway, where I knew the master bedroom was located.
I stood frozen, looking at the big wooden bedroom door, wracking my brain for what I was even supposed to say and trying not to think about Alice and Emmett and Rosalie hearing the whole thing.
I was just wondering . . . what's it like? I just want to be prepared for my honeymoon with your son.
God. I cringed.
There were no secrets in this home, and I knew that, and it still made me uncomfortable. Was it a vampire thing to be nosy? Or could they not help their super-strong hearing, and everything they accidentally eavesdropped was against their own will? That seemed like a blessing and a curse.
I was stalling.
I tapped the knuckle of my index finger against the door quietly. There was no doubt in my mind she could hear it.
"Come in," a soft voice answered.
I opened the door and walked inside, hesitant. I'd never been in Carlisle and Esme's room before, and it almost felt like I was trespassing.
The floor was a golden-brown oak that matched the hallway, disappearing under snowy white carpets. There was a huge canopy bed in the middle, with billowy white curtains and twisted steel framing. The white furniture throughout matched the scheme, and sprawling glass windows lined the walls on either side. There was a clear door that opened out onto the balcony, and I could see Esme sitting on the other side.
I walked slowly, looking at the dark pine trees that were the only view for miles. The sky was two different shades of cobalt blue, the sun gone for the evening. The air had lost the moisture it had yesterday night, and now it was chilly. My hands caught either side of the wooden threshold of the balcony door, and I hesitated.
"Hello, Bella," Esme said in her calming, melodic voice.
She wore a gray cotton shirt with a thin navy cardigan on top, and a gold necklace that I'd never noticed before. Her dark features contrasted with her luminescent skin, even more noticeable in the moonlight.
She closed the novel she was in the middle of and smiled politely, giving me her attention. She didn't seem surprised to see me, but I knew she was wondering what I wanted. I'd never talked to her alone before, really. A conversation like this wasn't exactly easing in.
"Um," I was stammering already. I hadn't even thought of what to say. I cleared my throat. "I was just wondering . . . If I could talk to you about something. Privately."
"Of course," she replied, her eyes sincere.
"If it's okay," I continued quietly. "I'm a little worried about . . . Edward and me."
She nodded, and for a moment I thought she already knew what I was talking about.
"It's normal to be nervous about getting married, Bella," she said gently. "That's completely normal."
"Not that," I said, even though I was. And it wasn't Edward himself that was causing second thoughts – it was walking down the aisle in front of the whole town.
"I'm a little nervous about after," I admitted. "After the wedding."
I didn't want her to think I was referring to my change, so I almost added The Honeymoon, but I saw her eyes understand. With all the stammering and blushing, she didn't take too long to figure it out.
Esme got up from her chair and sat down on the little beige couch near the glass door. She patted the spot beside her. I walked over and sat, pulling my knees up next to me. She crossed her legs and folded her arms in. Her posture was so perfect, I felt like a hunchback.
She smiled slightly, almost sympathetically. I must have looked tense.
Besides my obvious humiliation, I felt slightly comforted. I knew she wouldn't laugh or roll her eyes or even lecture me, like my own mom may have. They were very different.
She didn't question the I'm Nervous About After the Wedding, and seemed to know why I was, so she knew that Edward and I hadn't already been intimate.
I saw the understanding in her eyes, and I started to ask, "You know—?
"Carlisle may have mentioned something," she said softly.
I tried to hide my annoyance, but she noticed.
"Edward talked to him about it," she explained. "He wanted to know if it was even possible."
So he already had a conversation with Carlisle.
"That's sort of why I'm here," I said, grateful for the assistance. "I – I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't really have anyone to talk to, and it's the first time, and . . ." I was rambling before I could help it, and my voice sounded pleading. "Is it different for humans than it is for vampires? What if . . . I'm no good? Are there . . . certain things I should be worried about? Birth control stuff …? What if it doesn't work? How much will it hurt . . .?"
I had to urge to cover my face, but I resisted. I wanted to keep talking, but I felt like I shouldn't. My concerns were all very real and I had no answers for them. Esme waited for me to stop, and I waited painfully for her response.
"Relax, Bella," was the first thing she said. Her eyebrows raised and she looked at me compassionately. "It will all be okay. Take some deep breaths."
I did.
I could feel my face burning. I wished she would talk. I knew she could hear my heart frantically beating.
"I'm honored you came to me," she said. "Of course you can talk to me about anything."
Vampire mother-in-laws, you had to love them.
"As you know, our human memories fade over time," she reminded me. "But yes, I do believe it's different for humans than it is for us."
"How different?" I asked. Didn't it all work the same way?
"It's more intense," she said thoughtfully. "As with anything. We perceive and feel everything stronger, more powerfully. We can think faster, process everything in a split second, whereas it would take a human an entire minute."
I nodded, not sure if that was a good or bad thing.
"No one can say what it's like between human and vampire. Well, however—" She cut off mid-sentence, her eyes flickering to me and then the trees quickly.
"What?" I asked, interested in why she stopped herself.
She sighed. "I'm . . . I'm not sure if Edward ever mentioned anything, but . . . do you know our cousins, up in Denali?"
I nodded. My stomach twisted, not sure where she was going with it.
"They used to . . . partake in what I forementioned. With humans. Not anymore, of course. They could possibly attest to the experience, but it wouldn't be quite the same."
She seemed to not want to talk about it, and I caught the disturbing edge to her voice. They really slept with human men? It surprised me for a moment, and I mulled it over. Not anymore, of course, she'd said. Oh.
None of those men ever made it out alive.
"Edward loves you very much," Esme said quietly. It felt like a reminder to not be afraid. He was convinced I would get hurt, but his parents had faith in him. Didn't they love me, too? They would advise us not to even try if they thought there was a good chance of something bad happening.
I nodded. "The thing is . . . I'm not even most nervous about that. I trust him. I'm—I'm more nervous about me. About what to expect, or about doing things right . . ." My face was flushed again, and I looked down.
"It's understandable, Bella, it's your first time. You're very young. That's normal," she comforted me. "There's no right or wrong, everyone has their own experiences. The most important thing is communication. Staying open, honest. Discussing boundaries, or desires. Talk to each other."
I nodded. Talking to Edward about sex. Not as easy as it sounded. Every time I so much as French kissed him, he just about flung himself out the window.
"As for pain," she continued, "It will probably be uncomfortable at first. Take your time, take it very slow."
"Blood?" I asked tentatively. It was a sensitive issue.
"Extremely minimal," she assured me.
I was a bit worried about that. I was afraid it would hurt a lot, and I'd have to pretend it didn't so he wouldn't panic. And if there was blood . . .
No. He had to know that was possible. He had been around my blood before.
My voice was still small. "What about . . . birth control?"
"Are you using anything at the moment?" she asked.
I shook my head no. My periods never had complications, and besides that incentive, there was never any reason to.
"Well, that is completely up to you. Carlisle doesn't believe it's necessary, as our biology is completely different than and incompatible with human DNA. Even more practical forms of birth control would probably not be useful."
I could guess what she meant by that, and I didn't exactly want her to explain the details about why Carlisle didn't think condoms would work for Edward.
"It's more than just physical," Esme said gently. "It's a new bond, a farther step in a relationship."
"I thought that was marriage," I grumbled.
She chuckled. "And Edward had us believing that you had finally embraced the idea."
I raised my eyebrows. I didn't even know any of his family knew about my aversion in the first place. That was kind of embarrassing. "He told you I didn't want to?"
"Alice knew, and . . ."
I nodded. No further explanation. It was always Alice. Maybe I should have went to her – she probably had already seen my entire honeymoon playback. My face got hot.
"It's just that I . . ." I trailed off. "I do want to be with Edward. Forever. And all of you know that I want to become like him."
"We know, Bella."
"I just have issues with marriage," I offered, trying not to be defensive.
"You've grown up in a different era," she said understandingly.
"Not only that, but . . . I didn't grow up in a home with happily married parents, either. I think I have a deep-rooted fear that marriages are bound to fail or something."
I didn't mention that I was also petrified of putting myself in such a vulnerable position. What would my parents think? What would my friends think? What did I think of myself? I was essentially going against every rule I had ever made for myself.
"Did you tell Edward about this?" Esme wondered.
I nodded. "He's assured me that the vampire-human divorce rate is basically nonexistent."
Esme smiled, appreciating her son's humor.
"Edward even said we didn't have to get married, but—" I cut off, not realizing that I had just kept on talking.
Esme wasn't one to pry or even question much, and she didn't say anything as I winced. Then I sighed. I felt comfortable around her, and maybe the information would help her to understand everything a bit better. Part of me felt like it was really nobody else's business, but the Cullens were usually pretty unjudgmental, all things considered.
"You know about . . . our negotiation?" I wondered.
She shook her head, and I couldn't tell if she really didn't, or if she was trying to protect whoever spilled the beans.
"We don't have to get married," I sighed. "At least, not right now. Edward has wanted to, for a while, but I've been saying no."
"You don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with," Esme said gently.
Yeah, I do.
"Edward doesn't want to . . . be . . . intimate . . . before we're married," I explained through clenched teeth. My face was hot again. "And I do. Therefore . . . a negotiation."
I didn't know why it took me so long to explain. It sounded almost funny when I said it out loud. Granted, it was a bit black-mail-ish, on both of our parts, so I wasn't really eager to preach it to everyone around. People could just think that I was getting married at eighteen because I wanted to. Shudder.
It would make more sense if Edward would want to wait until I was changed, for my safety, and make that the negotiation. I'd have trouble agreeing, as I wanted to try when I was a human, but I would probably end up giving in.
But no, he chose the one thing that he knew I didn't want to do. The one thing I'd say definitely not to, if I didn't want him so agonizingly bad.
Esme's expression was unreadable, but she didn't look surprised or repulsed, at least.
"It's also a condition to him changing me himself," I muttered, remembering our deal from months ago. "Which I asked for. Everything is pretty much set. And I'm trying to accept it now. I don't think I'll detest marriage in reality, it's just the concept itself."
Esme nodded, her caramel hair bobbing. "I don't think much will change between the both of you, being as close as you already are. If anything, it will strengthen that. Marriage, and . . . after."
I was embarrassed again, but I thought about that for a moment. That didn't sound too terrible.
"Thank you, Esme," I said genuinely. "I just wanted someone to talk to about . . . all this."
"I hope I could be of help," she responded warmly.
The wind blew sharply, rustling the leaves in the trees. I looked out at them.
I nodded. "Very much."
I did end up letting Alice paint my nails, hoping it would make her feel better about everything. After she finished, I returned the favor, painting hers a bright cerulean blue.
"How'd it go?" she asked casually, spreading some green clay on my face as I sat back in the bathroom recliner, letting my polish dry.
"What is this stuff again?" I asked.
"Green tea and cucumber. Your pores will be basically nonexistent. Thank me later."
I wasn't even sure what that meant, but I knew better than to question her.
"It was . . . helpful," I finally answered. "It's not easy admitting I'm afraid." I laughed scornfully.
Alice nodded, her icy fingers on my forehead. "At least I still get to pack your honeymoon bag." She stopped smoothing the facemask to glare at me. "And that is non-negotiable."
"What? Why?"
Alice frowned. "He hasn't told you?"
"Told me what?" Now I frowned. Was I the only one not allowed to have secrets around here?
"Hmm." She thought about something. "Well, technically I'm not breaking any rules by telling you this. I don't really care, anyway. Edward has had an attitude lately."
"Telling me what?"
She sighed, like I was the one being overly dramatic. "It's a surprise, where he's taking you for the honeymoon. And that was his idea, by the way."
Edward knew I didn't like surprises. It might be something really big. In reality, we hadn't talked about it at all. I hadn't even wondered where we would go – we could honeymoon in Portland, for all I cared. All that mattered was that I was with him.
"So," Alice continued, focusing back on my face, "since I know where you're going, it's my job to pack your things. It would give too much away if you did it."
Even though I'd much rather be in charge of my own wardrobe, I wasn't going to rob Alice of the opportunity.
"Fine," I allowed.
She grinned.
"Can I wash my face now?"
She looked at the huge clock on the wall. "Give it ten more minutes."
"Is it your turn after?" I wondered, joking. As if her perfect skin needed any product in the world.
I didn't hear any footsteps in the hallway to the bathroom, but suddenly a nearby voice was at the open door.
"Alice, why must you torment her?"
A voice I'd know anywhere. My eyes flew open.
Edward stood near the mirror, expression smug and his eyes a vibrant gold. My breath caught as I stared at him. Why was he so heartbreakingly beautiful?
"Get out, Edward," Alice snapped, annoyed that her fun with me was about to end.
He ignored her.
"You look gorgeous," he told me.
"Thanks," I said, rolling my eyes. "I thought you weren't supposed to get back until tomorrow."
"We finished early." He shrugged. "Carlisle picked up an extra shift at the hospital tonight, and Jasper is dealing with some business ventures."
I nodded, thankful that he hadn't arrived any earlier to overhear my conversation with Esme.
"Out," Alice repeated, narrowing her eyes at him.
He put up his hands in surrender, grinning as he walked out the door.
"He's in a good mood," she grumbled.
And Alice's mood had instantly dampened.
"I'll be back," I promised, trying to cheer her up. "Let's have another sleepover. Next weekend?"
She perked up. "Okay. There is a big mountain lion problem up in Vancouver Island . . ."
I didn't mention that Edward wouldn't be pleased with leaving me for another weekend supervised by only Alice, especially when he knew I was chomping at the bit to escape to La Push. Maybe he'd buy her another Porche.
After my face was washed and my fingernails were smooth and shiny, I told Alice I was going to bed. I was pretty tired; it was a long day.
I headed upstairs with the expensive silk pillows Alice had bought me at the mall. I took a right into the hallway to Edward's room, where the black leather futon had been reclined back for me to sleep on.
Edward sat, his legs extended and crossed at the ankles, looking like Michelangelo himself, but in sweatpants. He wore a white t-shirt and his hair was slightly wet and tousled – he had showered after coming back from hunting. My heart jolted. He looked almost human, at first glance, before the perfection of his every feature became clear.
He looked up from his book, even though I knew he'd heard coming from downstairs.
"Hey," I said.
I tossed the pillows at him. His hands shot out to catch them.
"Two-hundred bucks each," I muttered, shaking my head. "Can you believe Alice?"
His expression wasn't what I was looking for – he didn't seem to find anything odd about spending so much money on pillows for one night.
"I do apologize," he murmured, concerned. "About this. I hadn't realized you were sleeping over tonight. I would have gotten you a bed."
I shook my head, frowning. "Alice was on my patrol anyway, I thought I'd make it easy on her."
The dark forest was everywhere through the big glass windows. His lamp illuminated a soft yellow light, but it was still ominous. I was glad I wouldn't be alone tonight.
I crawled onto the sofa with him, leaning my head against his iron shoulder.
"So, I just spent an hour talking to Esme about our sex deal," I informed him. I figured I should tell him before someone else did, and explain. I didn't need him thinking I was freaking out.
He froze. It was hard to shock him, and I relished when that could be accomplished.
"You did what?"
"I needed some . . . guidance," I said. "Advice. Well, not advice — I don't know. I just needed someone to talk to, okay?"
He gestured to himself, as to say I'm right here.
I narrowed my eyes. "Yeah, right. I heard you went running off to Carlisle, so I'm allowed to talk to who I want."
He scoffed. "It was barely running off. I figured I might have a little discussion with my physician father before I attempt homicide."
"Stop saying that," I nearly growled.
"I was asking him if it was even possible," Edward clarified. "I wouldn't even try if he'd said no."
"He didn't say no."
Edward was quiet.
I looked up at him, scooting away a few inches to see his face. "Do you wish he did?"
His eyes hardened into mine. "You already know I would be more comfortable waiting until you've been changed. When you first brought this up . . . I hadn't even considered it. Well – I had, but it was an impossibility. It was devoid of my mind, knowing what would happen if we did."
His eyes softened as I listened intently.
"Carlisle confirming what I had always thought would have been easier. It would reinforce what I'd always thought, and you'd probably listen to Carlisle over me, anyway. But when he said he's not sure . . ." He trailed off.
"Not sure?"
"Not sure if killing you is a guarantee. With all the control I've exhibited already . . . There's no telling what will happen. Everyone thought your death was promised the moment we met, but now look at us. You've altered me so completely, and everything that has happened has gone against everything my entire family had never known. I just don't want to experiment like this with you when the consequences are so dire." He shook his head. "You're too important. Of course, Carlisle has full trust in me."
I thought about that. There really was no comparison to make to us, to tell if it would work or not.
I knew it was entirely selfish to ask him for this, and I already felt blameworthy. It made me even more anxious about everything . . . I felt almost guilty for the feelings I had, and it was wrong of me to ask him for this, but I'd be discontented if I didn't. Who knew who – or what – I'd be when I was a newborn? I had this crushing desire for him now, and it felt criminal to pretend that I didn't.
"What did you talk to Esme about?" Edward asked idly. His voice was suddenly alarmed. "Are you scared?"
"No," I said quickly. "I was just wondering about . . .what to expect, basically. Same as you."
"You're afraid of killing me, too?"
I scowled, not appreciating the comicality.
"What did she say?" he pressed.
I blushed inadvertently. I had the urge to say none of your business, but then remembered the advice about communication.
"She said that's a big step, not something to be taken lightly. That it might hurt, for me, a little. And as long as we talk to each other about everything and be honest, it will make it . . . easier. She has complete faith in you, as well."
He smiled gently, and then sighed. He looked out the windows at the forest, deep in thought for a moment.
"We keep discussing your safety and the practicality of it, I sometimes forget that it's still your first time. Our first time."
I swallowed. "Yeah."
"I don't want all this talk to take away from it, though, Bella," he murmured, his eyes suddenly intense. "Even though I'm . . . hesitant while you're still human, I did promise you, and I'm keeping my promise. I think it is essential, for us to just be with each other."
My body reacted at his words.
"I don't think this will take away from any of that," I whispered back.
His lips found mine, and he kissed me softly for a moment. I drew back, breathing too heavily.
"What did you say before? About you considering it?"
"Hmm?" He pretended to look confused.
My heart pounded. "You said, before, that when I first brought this up, you had considered it."
"Of course I had," Edward said, rolling his eyes. "Who wouldn't? Bella, honestly . . ."
"What?"
He shook his head slowly, his lips at my ear. "It's almost humorous how clueless you are, sometimes. If it weren't so damn frustrating."
I was puzzled by his words. And turned on.
"You awakened this . . . hunger in me. It was overwhelming, at first," he continued. "It still is."
My breath caught, as I listened to him verbalize his longing for me. It intensified my own, knowing that he had wanted me for so long.
"Really?" I murmured.
"Just because I have better self-control than you," he whispered, chuckling, "doesn't mean that I don't crave you every single second of the day."
I could feel my body ramping up, and he did, too.
Edward got up and sped to the lamp in the corner of his room at inhuman speed. He flicked it off, so it was almost pitch-black. My heart thudded with anticipation as he moved stealthily back next to me, pulling a blanket over us both.
"Sleep now, Bella."
I frowned. "You're mean, you know that?"
I could tell that our conversation was over. My stupid heart had given me away. I could have listened to him keep talking about how much he wants me for hours. It felt nice to have those feelings reciprocated with the same energy. I wasn't used to it.
"Esme also told me that she thinks we should practice," I added. "Before the honeymoon."
Edward laughed in the darkness. "I'm sure."
I tried to relax, desire still flowing through my veins. His body pressing against mine didn't help, either.
"Oh," I said in whisper, "One more thing, speaking of open communication . . . There is something I wanted to talk to you about."
"What is it?"
"Um, can I just tell you tomorrow? Remind me, okay?" I yawned again, snuggling into his chest.
"You're going to torture me like this, all night?
I scoffed. "Normal people can't read minds. They're used to not knowing everything all the time. Some delayed gratification will do you good."
Edward growled, one of his hands sliding down my hip, to my upper thigh. His fingers wrapped around it, pulling my leg up and gripping it firmly. "I deal with that every day."
My heart spluttered again, and heat flooded my body. He let go.
He couldn't see me grin into the pillow, and I was thankful. It didn't look like my preposition would be that difficult to get him to agree to. I liked the newfound openness between us.
I drifted off to a peaceful sleep as I thought about that, untroubled in his arms.
