Nuclear bombs go off all the time. It's as bad as they say but we can't see it unless it's us. I get the feeling, with the amount of ice that's in the air, that this night might have gone very bad for Polo. I wish he wouldn't have the strength to take out a girl his age over a watch but I can't help to think what it might have been like if it did happen. What would happen mentally with Polo and would he have even gotten in trouble given his status and relationship to the march princess.
After all anyone rich wants nothing to do with scandals. How's Guzman going to fare with his sister's leaving like that. It's not your business Will. Leave it be. Which is pointless because I'm walking through this swinging door with him into the men's locker room and the moment my mind registers the scenes the words come out of my mouth, "Evil bitch."
The March Princess is getting her some party boy dick. Oh... suddenly the room gets much colder as the idea of what it would have been like if he'd killed her and found this. I get the feeling they're not even together anymore. This is all so cruel. I get they had like a triangle but it smells of betrayal in here.
Listen at the violin that echoes in the washroom, the dripping of those faucets. The shimmer of the blue is endless. The moon peaking through. Polo walks past me and the other two still don't notice us. He yelps and it's quick then his fist hits the glass and it cracks. My face appears in only half the slices of the circular hole his fist just made.
They stop. Carla pulls herself away and adjusts her clothes to walk over to him. She sees me.
"por que trajiste el universo?" Why did you bring the universe? She asked.
He responds, "El Salvo mi Vida... y la de ella." He saved my life... and hers.
Oh shit. What? Me singing a song did that? Or was it something more. He hands her the watch.
In english he says to her, "Farewell Marchioness."
"Evil. Fucking. Bitch." I say.
He turns to look at me. She calls out to him, "Esta idiota ni siquiera sabe tu idioma" Which I think means, This idiot doesn't even know your language."
"Pardon." I say, "Demonio. Maldito. Pe-"
His hand covers my lips. He gives me a look that let's me know crossing this girl isn't in my best interest. So I take the notion.
Christian steps out and looks me up and down, "Por que esta el musico aqui?" Why is the musician here.
I don't even acknowlege the mut. I just spin on my heel and walk out so that I can breath and as I'm standing in the corridor alone I wonder if anything that just happened was real or if I just hallucinated it. What exactly is the punch spiked with.
This thought busts like a bubble as in the hall round up Guzman, Ander, and Samu. What the fuck? Why? Nope. I can't do this... I'm going home. So I leave Polo to his friends and continue down the hall. Polo calls out to me, "I'll text you about the project!"
I hold up the okay symbol where my pointer finger and thumb touch to a circle and my other three fingers curl like bunny ears. Honestly it looks like the tripple six and I feel weird doing it subconsciously so I pull my hand down and disappear into the shadows. Here I can be alone with my thoughts. My driver is supposed to be waiting for me and now feels like a good a time as any to walk out in an avid day dream.
The gentle strumming of a guitar fills my ear I know that no one else can hear and the lyrics fill my head. It's the song Requiem from Dear Evan Hansen and I'm getting eerily used to this pattern.
Why should I play this game of pretend
Remembering through a second hand sorrow
Such a great son and wonderful friend
Oh, don't the tears just pour.
I could curl up and hide in my room
There in my bed still sobbing tomorrow.
I could give in to all of the gloom.
But tell me.
Tell me what for.
What's strange about this is that usually it's a part played by a female and typically when that happens I try to imagine myself in there shoes but here I'm not given that oppertunity. It's Samu, that timid boy who got in here on a scholarship, who has entered my hallucination and his vision follows me down the hall as though I'm playing the music for him and he's just talking to me.
Why should I have a heavy heart
Why should I start to break in pieces
Why should I go and fall apart for you.
Then I'm outside and there's no one out here but the lanterns are still on and my vision of Samu is dramatically leaning over a banister and he's drenched in blood. I twitch vehemently as I come up short on the bodies of both Marina and Nano but I know it's a hallucination so I do what I do best and I start singing the song that wont leave me alone to make it go away.
"Why should I play the grieving girl
and lie
Saying that I miss you
and that my world has gone dark without your light
I will sing no requiem."
I'm at the bottom of the stair case and the driver sees me so I wait for him and keep singing the song into the cold night air of spring.
"tonight."
Beside me, on the grass, appears a vision of luceria and she too is covered in blood.
She's singing my song too,
I gave you the world you gave it away
Leaving all these broken pieces behind you
Everything wasted-
I fill in for her attempting to wash the psychosis from my mind, "Nothing to say!"
"So I can sing no requiem."
Then there's a real person next to me and I know they're real because they don't have that strange sillouette I usually see during the day. It's Nadia. Oh exciting. She's fun with her one liners.
"Me gusta la voce." She says. I like your voice.
She stands to wait with me for her vehicle. She then, in english, says so sweetly, "I love that film. Sad but good."
Then she's literally singing the mother's verse from that Broadway musical beside me and I'm not sure if she's a hallucination or not anymore,
"I hear your voice and feel you near.
Within these words I finally find you
And now that I know that you are still here
I will sing no requiem tonight."
I choose not to dwell on this in a negative way and instead charge in head first singing and expecting her to stop but she's even sharp with her harmonies and we're both singing out in front of the school this depressing song from a really good film but we're happy about it.
"Why should I have a heavy heart
Why should I say I'll keep you with me
Why should I go and fall apart for you."
Then we're both laughing and my driver is opening the back door, "Are you joining us this evening madam."
"No, Mr. Belvadeer." I tell him, "She's into that really hot Guzman guy I was telling you about."
He smiles beneath that big nose and dark pair of sunglasses- it's the middle of the night dude. He says, "Oh hello Nadia."
She gives me a look and suddenly she's aware that I've been paying a lot more attention than any of them could have known.
I'm saying goodbye and I'm getting in and she's said goodbye but wait. She calls out to me, "William! I was thinking. Perhaps this school needs some music."
"I think perhaps you're right." I say and when I close the door it starts raining blood and I'm very confused but it's almost like I'm blacking out. The roads at night, as we wind down through the forest floor, take me to a world that's hard to escape.
We're slowing down. There is no music. The engines dies. Wait, it didn't feel like it died. It feels like it's been off and I just now noticed it. I look over and there's nobody in the passenger seat of the car. Wasn't I just- Where's Mr. Belvedeer? I pop the latch and climb out of the car to find that I'm parked at an over look for the city. I'm no where near home.
Three people sit before me and they're bassically dead. All but that, really. They've been beaten to a pulp but I know- once again- they're not real. Right? Why are they looking at me? What do they want?
Carla and Christian sing to me and I'm absolutely disgusted,
Why should I have a heavy heart
Then it's just Carla that fucking evil ass bitch,
Why should I say I'll keep you with me.
why should I go and fall apart for you?
Me? The fuck? No, William, it's your stupid brain. You need your medicine. Just get home and get your medicine. I'm the one falling apart. I avoided there intense chaos all year and now they appear like this. Drenched in the blood rain, wearing expensive clothing that's all torn and clinging to their priceless bodies they offer up to one another so freely. Who do they think they are?
They're faces all fucking change and it's no longer Polo Christian and Carla it's Samu Marina and Nano and I'm really fucking confused so I press my fingers to the sides of my head and try to block it out but there all singing, Why!
And the boys are holding a harmony as she takes the lead vocal,
Should I play the grieving girl and
lie!
Boys: I! -
Marina: Saying that I miss you
and that
Marina and Nano: My world has gone dark with your light
Samu: We see your light
Then the vision and the blood rain all fade and I hear Mr. Belvedeer calling out for me, "William! William where are you?"
All I can think for myself is how strange these voices sound because I highly doubt that's what there american accents would be. Of all the people to haunt you got to choose me. I don't know you. I can't know you. This is a world of which I'll never be a part of.
I turn and my feet press into the mud. There's no blood stains on me but my jacket and shoes are gone. My socks too. And everything is wet from real rain. I walk over to the car with water tightness around some areas causing me to chafe and he spots me. Relief fills his face. I wish I could feel that instead of this need to be wearing only an extra large white t-shirt and sitting in the morning light with a boy that looks like Polo over looking some beautiful city when all I have is Mr. Belvedeer and this weird day.
"I told you to wait. The battery died, I needed to go get help. Anything can happen out here, sir. You are a minor I have specific orders." He says.
I apologize and get back in the car. Why are these visions haunting me like this? They're never this dark. Or maybe they are. I do play the part of someone happy very well but maybe I'm not. Maybe I should be worried more about my own mental health. Perhaps I've been lying to my therapist or- Oh, why do I feel like something should have happened tonight that didn't?
"Did you find help?" I ask but I'm not really directing the question at Mr. Belvedeer. If I'm being totally honest I was asking myself because my brain played this scenerio in which I was just too afraid to help. I'm never ready to be the random. Why would it be this once?
He shakes his head, "No."
"What's the problem maybe I can help?" I say with a strong desire to take myself out of the awful fantasy.
He pops the hood I get out of the car and back into the rain. I go over to the engine, I look down at the oil tank, I check the pannel on the circuit board. Ah- there's the problem. One of the fuses were sticking out. I use my pointer finger and press it in and know, in the back of my mind, a mechanic would charge six hundred dollars for everything I just did and I walk over to the driver's seat and ask if I can give it a try.
He takes the passenger seat, eyes me funny, then his expression changes because I've just cranked up the camero and we're driving off up the mountain.
The music comes back as we find a nice inclined hill about sixty feet ahead of us and something in my random heart sings. I'm suddenly no longer myself. I'm a bloody Samu as his arms are stretched out before me holding the wheel and his lips sing the next verse,
"I will sing no requiem...
...tonight..."
Up tempo
"Cuz when the villains fall
The kingdoms never weep.
No one lights a candle to remember.
No... no one mourns at all
When they lay them down to sleep.
I'm speeding up. Mr. Belvedeer notices and starts to complain but he's a million miles away and this hallucination is too strong for me to stop it so I just go with it.
"So don't tell me that I didn't have it right!
Don't tell me that it wasn't black and white!
After all you put me through
DONT SAY IT WASN"T TRUE
THAT YOU WERE NOT THE MONSTER-"
We're dropping over the hill and those butterflies swallow my stomach in their flutter and I know they've gotten Mr. Belvedeer too for he chuckles hard and real like how I imagined saint nick would when I was just a child.
I stop the car. I'm sweating and I'm still Samu. This is nauseating. Being stuck between these two worlds. Feeling Samu, even if it's not actually him or what he's feeling it's a foreign persona to me.
So I sing to make it go away, "That I knew..."
Mr. Belvedeer says, "You're a bit-"
"Ecclectic. I know. Blame my brother." Then I'm getting out and we're swapping places because Samu is gone and I can barely feel my skin. It's all heavy and made of a materiel I don't recall anymore.
The rest of the ride is silent. He drops me off at home and I'm climbing the steps to the cabin as he's driving away. I stand there in silence over looking the beautiful lake and I felt the music rustle back up the way the wind whistles through the weeds and their beautiful lilies.
Then it's Samu, Guzman, and Polo who are (not actually) standing in my yard and staring out at the water like they're in some long running cult together and their voices carry back to me.
Samu:
Cuz I
Cannot play the grieving role and
lie.
Saying that I miss you
and that my world
has gone dark...
Polo:
I will sing no requiem
Guzman:
I will sing no requiem
Samu:
I will sing no requiem
tonight
Polo and Guzman:
OH, OH.
Samu:
Oh
All three in a haunting, ghost like harmony:
Ohhhh.
So I go inside, take my medicine, and decide to pass out on the couch soaking wet beside the long paneled window listening to the rain for it's not as cryptic as the music or the voices of people I don't know. Maybe, at least subconsciously, I know more than I realize. I should talk to my therapist about updating my prescription...
