Olivia stared after him, stunned into speechlessness, as he walked away from her once again. Her heart slammed against her sternum, like it was fighting to break free of her ribcage and follow him out of the bar.
Follow him like Olivia wanted to follow him. But she couldn't make herself get to her feet, couldn't bear the thought of trailing after him like a little lost puppy.
She was better than that, wasn't she? She was Olivia fucking Benson. She was nobody's little lost puppy, least of all a man she'd once considered a friend who'd betrayed her the way Rafael Barba had.
No, actually, Olivia thought, as she finally forced herself off the bar stool, I'm not better than that.
Olivia tossed some cash on the counter top for her drink and then hurried out of the bar. But Barba wasn't anywhere to be found. Olivia felt her heart deflate in her chest; she must have just missed him.
Olivia was about to head back inside to call for an Uber when a hand landed gently on her upper arm. Turning, Olivia opened her mouth to fire off a sharp retort, but the words died on her tongue when she locked on those familiar green eyes.
"You came back," she said, feeling dumb, feeling small even though she currently towered over him by a good three or four inches due to her heels.
Rafael pulled his hand away from her arm. "I—I hate the thought of leaving things the way we did, back there," he said, softly, slipping his hands into the pockets of his coat. "Liv, I—"
Olivia snapped her jaw shut, then swallowed. "I know you believe you did what you did for the right reasons," she said. She pressed a hand over her heart, as if that might ease the ache in her chest. "But it hurt. It still does."
"I know," he sighed, raking his fingers through his hair and then down his face to tangle into his beard. "I know I hurt you. I feel awful about all of it. I wish…"
Olivia looked down at her feet, unable to meet his keen gaze any longer. "I don't know if it'll ever stop hurting," she said, finally lifting her head to meet his eyes again.
"Is there anything I can do?" he asked.
"I'm not sure," Olivia admitted, offering Rafael a grim, thin-lipped smile.
Rafael gave her a slow nod, his own mouth twitching in an unhappy smile. "I shouldn't have said what I said, either."
Now it was Olivia's turn to be puzzled. In the courtroom? "What do you mean?"
"At the bar," he said. "It was… I overstepped."
"About El—about Stabler?" Olivia asked. Rafael gave a curt nod. Olivia barked out a small, rough sound that was somewhere between sob and a laugh. "I mean, you're not entirely wrong."
"I know," he said, shifting his eyes away from her for the first time since he found her on the sidewalk outside Forlini's. "I know—I think I've always known how much he means to you. How important he is. And it's not my place to pry or question you—"
Olivia frowned, brow pinching. Suddenly, she wasn't entirely sure they were on the same page. About anything, really.
"Wait," Olivia said, touching his elbow lightly. Rafael glanced down at her hand on his elbow; Olivia left her fingers splayed across his sleeve. "What exactly do you think is going on with me and Stabler?"
Rafael drew a deep breath and lifted his head, looking her in the eyes again. "You love him, Liv," he said, one corner of his mouth lifting in another sad half-smile. "You always have. I just never wanted to see it."
"Of course I love him," Olivia said, and she didn't miss the flash of hurt that bolted across his face. Not this time, not like she did all those years ago in his office, when they had a different—but not really—conversation about her personal life.
You and I are done talking.
Olivia shook her head, jostling free the memory of the hurt in his eyes.
"And that's why I shouldn't have said what I said to you," Rafael said softly, gently, tugging his arm out from under her hand. "It was unfair of me."
"He was part of my life for thirteen years," Olivia continued, her tone going just as soft as Rafael's had. "And then he disappeared without a word only to blow back into my life like a hurricane. I'm still picking up the pieces. And I still don't know where things stand."
"Why are you telling me this—" Rafael began, but Olivia shut him up with a slight shake of her head.
"I'm telling you this because I want you to know," she said, sucking in a deep breath of her own. "Because, no, you haven't been fair to me. But I haven't been fair to you. Not when I've always known how you feel about me but haven't been brave enough to address it."
Olivia felt Rafael's arm stiffen under her hand and he tried to pull away again. This time she let him.
"Liv," he said, his eyes flashing with that same look of hurt from all those years ago. "I can't. Not now. Not after everything—"
"Come back inside," Olivia offered, gesturing back at Forlini's. "Have a nightcap with me."
"I don't think that would be a good idea," Rafael said, thickly, unable to meet her eyes.
"I think we need to have a long overdue talk," Olivia murmured, reaching for his hand. She clasped his fingers with her own. "I think I need to explain myself."
"You don't owe me that," Rafael said.
"I don't. But I want to anyway," she said, squeezing his fingers. "I miss my friend."
"I miss you too," he said, the words falling from his lips automatically.
If it was anyone else—even Elliot, she thought—she might doubt his sincerity. But it was Rafa, so she didn't. She couldn't.
Olivia tugged him gently back toward the bar and warmth flooded her chest when she realized he was following her back inside.
There was so much they needed to talk about, so much air that needed clearing, but this—Olivia and Rafael stepped over the threshold together, hand in hand—felt like an important, much-needed first step on their long journey back to each other.
