Hello All! First of all, I would like to thank Abracadebra, who in her kindness beta'd this story for me! Any mistakes remaining are all on me! Thank you all so much for your love and support! Please stay safe as we continue through this pandemic!
-HH-
Words were a sanctuary. Words held power. Words meant control. He wasn't afraid of words, words were a comforting blanket, a buffer from the buggy man lurking in the shadows of silence. Silence was a power too strong. Silence brought fears to light. Words kept everything within the control of the one who used them. When silence settled, reality crept in.
That was the worst part of solitary confinement.
Time ticked by dreadfully slow, minutes felt more like hours. In the silence, the anticipation of anything new, anything to occupy his time or distract him from overwhelming thoughts of self doubt was unreal; the arrival of a meal, a newfound spider, or mouse scurrying across the cold floor. Anything other than the deafening silence was welcome. Even the ticking of his watch was slowly driving him mad.
There was no hiding from emotions buried deep inside. Emotions that should not have seen the light of day. Emotions that were too painful to bear.
There are only so many prayers one could pray, only so many cracks to count, only so many stories to fabricate for oneself, only so many lists to create, only so many designs to map out before the monsters started to slip through the cracks.
Would anyone out there believe he used to be introverted? Everyone would have laughed. Andrew Carter an introvert? The guys would never believe that of the chatterbox.
He had been the guy who spent hours, if not a whole day with his nose in a book, even forgetting to eat let alone talk. Now the silence that once absorbed him suffocated him beyond belief.
The haunting echoes of laughter cut him to the core. That his fellow prisoners of war, the rest of his team were free even within their captivity made him beyond envious.
When words weren't there to protect him, the threads of sanity began to unravel.
Sure, it was good to reflect from time to time, but now was not a good time.
So many things that could have been accomplished, now must wait.
Without words there was nakedness. Without words there was no shelter from the storm. Without words there was nowhere to hide. The demons had free reign until once again there were words. Those monsters belong under tight lock and key. How ironic to think they were set free when he himself was locked away.
Silence, like a curse, broke through the toughest built defenses. Whispering, whispering with the wind, the truths of what he really was.
A coward.
Deep recesses of his mind tried to assure him this wasn't true, that he was brave and a vital member of the crew, but Newkirk's mocking rang in his ears and the words he yearned to hear became even more terrifying than the silence. No one liked a klutz, no one liked an overly talkative scaredy cat.
He'd only been there a few months, but he waited for some shoe to drop. That they didn't really need him. That he didn't really belong. No, there was no way they were serious about wanting him to be on the team. Their words were empty, meaning only to be retracted when he became the butt of the joke. Just like usual. Andy Carter, the biggest loser. A dork.
As a kid, even his cousins thought he wasn't good for anything. That's why he had hid in books, that's why he had learned everything he could from his gram. Tried to prove he was worth something, but that was too much to ask.
This all was just some big joke. Of that he was certain.
Words protected him from the monsters of his own self doubt. Words made sure he didn't have time to overthink. But now, in the silence, he had nothing. Nothing to say and not a soul in sight to say it to. And that was the most terrifying thing. Nothingness.
