Chapter 4
"Come on Bella. Talk to me.", Carina pleaded. They had come back to their apartment and had been sitting in bed for over an hour now, neither of them being able to sleep. Maya had remained quiet and emotionless.
"He... he must have been so damn miserable and lonely. And my entire childhood and adult life I didn't think about his mental health. I only cared about myself and my career. I'm so selfish. Have been all my life, eyes forward, the goal is all that matters, the end justifies the means.
I am exactly like my father wanted me to be and look what that caused. His life was so unbearable that he... that he...", a strangled sob escaped. Maya's voice had gotten louder and louder, but she couldn't say the words.
Carina hugged her tightly: "No, that's not true. You can't blame yourself for this. You both grew up in an abusive household. He dealt with the abuse differently than you. He rebelled and turned to drugs, and you did as you were told. But you are not that person anymore, Maya.
And it's not your fault. You told me that when Andrea... when he died. His death wasn't my fault just as Mason's isn't yours. It's hard to understand how someone could do something like this but in the end, he was an adult, responsible only for himself."
Towards the end of Carina's words, Maya had squeezed her eyes shut, as if trying to block out an image. Carina had noticed: "What are you thinking?"
Maya's eyes snapped open: "No. It's nothing..."
"Maya, please."
She took a deep breath and thought about how to word this, the secret she had been carrying her entire life and that she hadn't told anyone but Diane, the SFD therapist.
"You said it's hard to understand, what he did. But...", Maya hesitated.
Carina tensed up and hardly daring to breathe, scared of Maya's next words.
"When I was younger, I used to fly to all these matches all over the country. I always loved the view, watching the soft clouds. It looked peaceful, like you could just lay down and rest. So ever since then I started thinking about...", Maya looked down at her hands,
"dying.
Whenever I was stressed or couldn't sleep or my father was disappointed and screamed at me, I thought about how relieving it would be to just die. To just rest, to do nothing and forget about... everything. So, I really get why he did it. I really understand him."
Maya didn't look at Carina, fearing her reaction to this revelation.
Wet and hot, something was dripping on her shoulder. It took her a second to realise that Carina was crying.
She turned around: "I... I'm sorry. I...", she wanted to take back what she had said but there was nothing those words could be mistaken for. She immediately regretted the decision to tell Carina what was going on.
"Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you."
"No, it's okay. I'm just... I'm so sorry that you felt this way for most of your life. Or do you... do you still feel like this?"
Maya's gaze immediately dropped again, confirming Carina's fears. Maya's mind went to a conversation they had had: "I'm not in the habit of fixing broken people." This was it. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. She was too broken. She might look like a functioning human being on paper, but didn't this prove that she was not that far from becoming her brother?
But Carina wrapped her arms around Maya and hugged her even tighter.
"I need you here, Maya.", she whispered, "I'm glad that you told me and I'm sorry that you had to deal with this on your own. But I'm here now. I don't want to lose you."
Maya couldn't belief what she had heard but when she saw Carina's loving, caring eyes, she knew that she was telling her the truth.
They stayed in this position for some time, Carina holding onto her and Maya leaning into being held. If she was being honest, this scared her immensely. Her secret was out there now. It felt relieving and frightening at the same time, she'd had to keep it close to her heart all her life. No one had been allowed to find out about this. She had never even properly phrased what 'this' was.
With Mason's death though, it had become more tangible somehow: She, Maya Bishop, former Olympian gold medal winner and current fire captain of station 19 in Seattle had been toying with the idea of suicide for most of her life.
It was such a big part of her everyday life that it had become normal, she wasn't scared of it anymore. On the contrary, it was like an escape from reality, whenever things were becoming too hard, too unbearable. It was the familiar hug from an old, dark and forbidden friend.
Tears were streaming down her face, and she couldn't hold back the sobs any longer. Carina's embrace in this moment for the first time in her life made her feel truly seen, held, understood. It was like the old friend but somehow warmer, more comforting but also frightening at the same time.
"Oh, Bella. It's okay. I'm here. Let it all out."
And Maya cried for Mason and for herself. And for the two little children that weren't comforted by their parents so that they had to turn to death for comfort. And one of them hadn't been able to go without that comfort any longer.
