Red Dwarf: Everyone's alive Dave
Authors notes: The idea is a collection of stories based on episodes, based on the idea of the whole red dwarf crew surviving. I know Rimmer and Lister are acting out of character, I'm having trouble capturing the mannerisms of Lister and Rimmer.
Chapter 2: Felix Sapien: Discovery of a new race
J.M.C mining ship Red Dwarf, location: Deep space.
This is an automated SOS distress call to any ships within range, this is the JMC mining ship Red Dwarf. The ship was crippled by an explosion in engineering, fatalities were limited to the A-Shift crew of technicians, the rest of the crew survived due to emergency bulkheads and a stasis field. I am the ships computer, ident H007 Y-class, otherwise known as Holly.
It had been a long week, Rimmer couldn't believe how long it had been, but here he was: working in main engineering.
"Lister, hand me that screwdriver would you?" he asked, pointing towards a toolbox.
"Philips or flathead?" the slovenly Liverpudlian asked.
"Philips." Rimmer replied, then reacted as Lister handed him a screwdriver, "Lister?
"Yeah?" Lister asked absentmindedly.
"This is a flathead." Rimmer said
"Smeg, sorry Rimmer, me minds elsewhere." Lister said, as he handed over the correct screwdriver.
"Still worried about the whole 3 million years thing?" Rimmer asked
"Nah, I did something stupid before the accident. I smuggled a cat onto the ship." Lister said.
"You smuggled a what?" Rimmer said in shock, "Lister, do you have any idea the dangers..."
"Yeah, got the lecture from the captain. I already told him the day after we woke up, worried that I might have caused the accident by putting her into the cargo hold. He was disappointed in me for breaking quarantine, but he said that a cat couldn't have gotten into the engines from there. He was rather compassionate about my reasons too." Lister said.
"But why on Io did you buy a cat? I mean the last shore leave before the accident was on Titan, right after...oh." Rimmer said, "The time Kochanski broke up with you."
"Yeah, that." Lister said, "I was just thinking that by locking her in the hold, I killed her."
"Kochanski?" Rimmer asked in confusion, as he screwed the circuit boards back into place.
"The cat, ya gimboid." Lister said, then chuckled, "I loved Kris, why would I have shoved her into a cargo hold and locked her in?"
"True, you'd have had better luck to lock that chef inside instead." Rimmer said, "Okay, this should be it. Let's power it up."
Rimmer flicked a switch on the console and the machinery whirled to life, after a few minutes a Skutter drone emerged from inside.
"Wahay, you did it." Lister said, "How are you doing Bob?" The Skutter tilted it's head to the side so it's pincer pointed upwards, "Thumbs up? Good lad."
"Rimmer to Todhunter, we've got the Skutter repair bay operational." Rimmer said proudly, he loved responsibility.
"Good job, you may leave duty for now, go and have an early lunch." Todhunter said, "The Skutters can finish off the minor repairs in the area."
Todhunter was impressed with how well Lister and Rimmer were performing, they had gotten nearly triple the work completed then before the leak, Todhunter suspected the shock of nearly dying had giving the younger man enough of a shock to be motivated and Rimmer was a good worker usually, but let himself get into arguments with Lister.
In the mess hall, they saw only a few people eating as it was earlier then their normal lunch break. Peterson was behind the counter preparing the lunch of the day.
"You guys are too early for main lunch." Peterson said, "Unless you want to wait 30 minutes. We have some breakfast left over though, few fried eggs, no sausage, hashbrown and beans. And toast."
"Fancy trying something I came up with Rimmer?" Lister asked.
"Um, I'm not too sure. I've seen some of the things you eat Lister." Rimmer said, "What is it you were thinking?"
"Triple fried egg sandwich with chilli chutney." Lister said
"You what?" Rimmer said in confusion.
"Three slices of toast, 2 fried eggs and chilli chutney." Lister said.
"Is good sandwich." Peterson said, "State of the art."
"It's the state of the toilets I'm worried about." Rimmer said, "Aw what the hell, you only live once. Unless you're George."
A few minutes later, Lister and Rimmer were eating the sandwiches, "You came up with this recipe yourself? This is actually a good recipe."
"You need to use toast though, tried with bread and the chilli dissolved it." Lister grinned.
"You know, I could never make something like this. I always follow recipes precisely, never changing a thing. I'm afraid that if I don't like it, I'd be wasting food." Rimmer said
"Well, why would that be a problem?" Lister asked, "Are you from a poorer family?!
"No, we were middle class...my dad was a tad crazy, he wanted to be in the space corps, but he was an inch bellow regulation height, just an inch. The rejection drove him to project his frustrations on his kids. He insisted we all needed to join the space corps. He bought a traction machine for us. He used to stretch us to ensure we wouldn't be under regulation height." Rimmer said
"Wait, he used a traction...that's smegging nuts." Lister said
"He would also grill us on astronavigation, if we failed we didn't get our meal. I nearly died of malnutrition." Rimmer sighed, "I guess that's why I don't like risking food from failed culinary experiments."
"Your dad sounds like a right bastard." Lister said
"He was an uncompromising, bald headed, pop eyed git." Rimmer said, "When I was 15 I was actually able to divorce myself from them. Got an apartment and they paid me maintenance until I was 19."
"Dave Lister, please report to Captain Holisters office." Holly said.
"Okay Hol." Lister said, "See you this afternoon Rimmer, what section are we in?"
"Drive room, next to Holisters office, I'll meet you there after you see the captain." Rimmer said
In Holisters office, Holister was looking rather confused. "Ah, Lister. Please take a seat. This is Doctor Karen Newton."
"Pleasure miss. Is their something wrong captain?" Lister asked, looking nervous, "Did the cat chew something in the hold?"
Karen showed a book to Lister, it was leather bound and old, looking like a bible.
"We haven't been able to find any writing in this book, but look at this image we found inside." Karen said. Inside was a drawing of a man holding a black cat in his arms and a second picture of the man frozen.
"Smegging hell, is that me?" Lister asked.
"We reopened the cargo holds, we found several corpses inside. Non human." Holister said, "they share DNA from a domesticated cat."
"Evolution?" Lister asked
"Exactly, Lister those cats have evolved for over 3 million years. Holly is scanning for them to find out how many survived, looks like several of them took off in Starbugs and left the ship. We've found the black box of one Starbug lodged inside the ramscoop." Karen said. We need to enter the cargo hold and find survivors. If they worshipped you, we believe that they may be pacified."
"So you want me to be god?" Lister asked
"God?" A voice said from outside the office.
"Rimmer? Why are you eavesdropping?" Holister asked
"Uh, i left the door open sir. We're fixing a console in the drive room." Lister said
"Sorry captain, but your voice does travel." Rimmer replied. Holister sighed.
"Come in Rimmer, and close the door. This stays between us all." the captain said, "We don't know much about these evolved felines. They could be dangerous."
"McIntyre to flight deck. We've established contact with one of the felines." A voice on the radio said, "The creature seems to be male, looks African American with small fangs like a vampire."
"Try not to scare him George." Holister said, "Lister, Rimmer, follow me."
"Aye sir." Rimmer and Lister said. In the cargo bay area, they found the cat examining the holographic body of McIntyre with evident amusement, passing his hand through his body and laughing to himself.
"You're like a ghost." the cat said, "just like Casper."
"Wait, how do you know about Casper?" Lister asked in confusion
"Movie tapes." the cat said, "We learned stuff from them in Kittie School. But who are you guys? George here said you all was frozen in time for years, while we cats were in this cargo hold."
"My name is Dave Lister, this is Arnold Rimmer and Captain Holister." Lister said, "Their was an accident on the ship, a burst of radiation, we were frozen in the main ship. Before that accident I put your ancestor Frankenstein into the cargo hold. Over 3 million years, your people evolved from her."
"Frankenstein the virgin birth?" The cat said, "Locked in safety by the god Cloister, who would be called stupid by another being called Strimmer. Cloister the stupid and Dreghead Strimmer."
"Wait, Frankenstein could hear us talking, when I told you about my 5 year plan, and you said it was stupid because..."
"Feushel was flooded and the animals would need long legs." Cat said, "Are you telling me you that you're Cloister?"
"And he would be Strimmer, but Frankenstein got it wrong. I'm not a god, and neither is Rimmer." Lister said.
"Dreghead?" Rimmer said in confusion.
"Smeghead." Lister said, "Cat, are their any more cats on the ship?"
"Besides me? Yeah, the preacher, but hes dying or something." Cat said.
"Okay, uh...what's your name?" Holister asked
"My name? Duane...uh I like cat though, Cat's fine." Cat said, not wanting to admit his name was really Duane Donald Dibley.
A week had passed since that day, and the Cat was becoming a regular sight on the ship, where he would busy himself by exploring and distracting himself with new items. Holister had made a mistake by allowing Cat the rank of provisional crew member to allow Holly to keep track of him and the biggest mistake was allowing the curious feline access to the vending machines. After a meal of 6 dishes of trout à la crème, the Cat was discovered suffering from acute indigestion and complaining about food escape.
"Well, he's like a child learning about moderation." Lister said, helping him to a spare bunk. A good thing about discovering the cat was that Holister had put him and Rimmer into a room with 3 beds. The problem was that Cat had not grasped the concept of designated beds and would sleep on any bunk he wanted.
"How much did he eat?" Rimmer asked
"6 trout à la crème, he only ate the fish though and left the vegetables." Lister said, "Maybe next time he won't be so greedy."
Next Chapter: Nova 5
It's cold outside, their's not kind of atmosphere
I'm all alone, more or less.
Let me fly, far away from here. Fun fun fun, in the sun sun sun.
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose, drinking fresh Mango juice.
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes.
Fun fun fun, in the sun sun sun
Fun fun fun, in the sun sun sun
Copyright Grant Naylor
Copyright BBC
