Author note:

A little more serious than the usual fluff. I hope you still enjoy it.

I know many of you have requested a fight/make up for Clay & Emma. I have a plan for that, so please bare with me.

CH 45-Not Your Fault

Bravo had just gotten back from another Op. Things had not gone as planned. They all had some bumps and bruises but had returned basically, physically unharmed. But Emma could tell the moment she saw her dad that something had gone horrible wrong. The smile he had plastered on his face as he greeted her, and Mikey didn't reach his eyes.

She waited until her brother was out of earshot before asking for details.

"What happened Dad? What…what's wrong?"

"Nothing. We're all okay honey."

"Dad, I saw the news. I know there was an incident in Pakistan. They said something about some American workers."

His eyes went wide. "I'm not dumb. I know that's where you were. I know you can't tell me much but, something went wrong, didn't it?"

Jason pulled her close and held her. "Dad, you're scaring me. I haven't heard from Clay. Is that it? IS something wrong with Clay?" She started to cry.

"No baby. He's safe, I promise. It's just things weren't what we were led to believe. And we…we couldn't help the people we were sent there to help. We tried, did everything we could, but…"

"I'm sure you guys did. I know you did."

"Clay might not see it that way."

"What? Why?"

"I can't say too much honey, but he's taking it harder than all of us."

They both knew that Clay tended to retreat inside himself when he was upset or overwhelmed.

"He's gonna need someone Em. And you're probably the only person that he'll talk to."

She nodded and took a deep breath. "Okay, I'm going to head over to the apartment. I might not make it home tonight."

"I get it. Let me know if you think you're not gonna make it to school tomorrow. I'll call."

She looked at him questioningly. "This is important. He needs someone. He needs you."

Emma hugged him and stood on her tip toes to kiss his cheek. "Thanks Daddy."

Just as she was about to leave, he called to her. "Let me know how he's doing." Emma nodded her head in agreement.

She got in her car and called Clay before she got on the road. "Clay, honey, it's me. I'm coming over. I love you."

Emma was deep in thought as she drove. She didn't even turn on any music. She knew she had to approach this carefully and she prayed she could be what Clay needed right now.

She got to the apartment and let herself in. "Clay…Clay..."

There was no answer. She could see he'd dumped his stuff, including his phone, on the floor. She heard the shower and walked to the bedroom. Since she wasn't exactly sure what had happened, she didn't want to surprise him. Knocking on the door, she opened it and called to him.

"Clay, babe, it's me."

As he answered her, she noted that his voice sounded tired and defeated.

"Hey Em. I'll be done in just a minute."

"Okay. I'll wait out in the other room."

She walked back into the living room and sat on the sofa. She heard the shower turn off, but it was a few minutes before he joined her.

Emma let Clay come to her. She didn't want to rush him. He walked over to her and held out his hand. She stood up and he pulled her into his arms and held on. Burying his face in her hair, he breathed her in. Emma stroked her hands up and down his back. After a couple minutes of silence, standing there, Emma stepped back and tugged him toward the couch to sit with her. She took a hold of his hand and toyed with his fingers.

"Do you…do you want to talk about it?"

"Em, I…I'm not sure I can."

"Dad told me a little bit." She could sense him getting restless. She decided to try a different approach.

"You know, after Mom died, I felt so lost and alone. I felt like there was nobody who could understand how I felt." A few tears rolled down her cheeks and he reached out to wipe them away. "And that was true. No one else could understand how I felt. Because I wouldn't tell anyone. I held it all in. I got angrier and angrier and tried to deal with it all alone. I pushed everyone away." She took a deep, shuddering breath. "Finally, Naima talked to me and made me realize that maybe no one was feeling exactly what I felt, but by not letting anyone in, I would always be alone. If I hadn't opened up…I don't know if I would have made it. I would still be alone, and I wouldn't have this." She gestured between them. "I wouldn't have you."

She looked into the blue eyes she adored and saw him fighting back tears. Emma reached up and laid her hand on his cheek.

"You don't have to do this alone babe. Don't shut me out Clay. Let me help you."

Finally, the tears fell, and he laid down with his head in her lap. She stroked his hair and let him release his anger and grief.

When he was ready, he sat up and gathered her into his arms. It was easier for him to talk to her that way.

"I failed Em. I failed those people we went there to help. Their families' will never see them again."

"I know you did everything you could to save them. You and the guys did all you could."

"How can you know that?"

She sat up and grabbed his face in her hands. "Because I know you Clay Spenser. It's who you are. I know that you…" she had to bite her lip to stop its quivering. "I know that you would have given your life to save any of those people if there was any hope at all."

He pulled her back down against his chest and pressed kisses to her hair.

"But…it was me."

"Why? What do you mean?"

He wasn't sure if he was revealing too much, but he knew she wouldn't say anything. She was, after all, Jason Hayes' daughter.

"I had the shot Em. I could have taken out the guy with the explosives. But…I didn't get the green light. Command hesitated because, shit, I don't know why. And because I didn't take that shot…those people are dead."

"Would Ray have taken the shot? Or dad?"

He didn't answer her. "Without the order, would anyone else have taken that shot Clay?"

She could feel him getting tense and anxious. She sat up and he got up and began to pace. He raked his hand through his hair and clenched his fist. Emma knew he needed to work out his frustration. He still hadn't answered her, and she tried again.

"Would any of the other guys have taken the shot without the green light from Command?"

"No, Damn it! No."

"It wasn't your decision honey. You didn't make that call." He needed to let himself off the hook or he'd never get past this.

"I know, but…"

"If you took the shot, who cares about the order. If you had taken it…would that have guaranteed that they would have come home?"

"I don't know. It was a bad situation…maybe."

"So, they may have died anyway." He started to interrupt her, but she continued. "I'm not saying that makes it okay. But you can second guess yourself all you want, and it still may not have made a difference. I know you need to take action, that you need to feel like you did something."

She prayed she was saying the right things, that she wasn't making it worse. "But it wasn't your call to make babe."

She stood up and wrapped her arms around him. "It wasn't your fault honey; it wasn't your fault."

She could feel his body relax a little and he took a deep breath. Emma looked up at him and continued.

"It's okay to be pissed and confused and sad. That means you care. I know you care. It's one of the reasons I love you."

Clay moved a hand up to cradle the back of her head and gave her a kiss that took her breath away. It was a kiss full of sorrow, hope, gratitude, and love. She he released her she took his hand and led him to the bedroom. She could sense his need. His need to be comforted, to connect, to lose himself in her. She wanted to do that for him, to be that for him.

They stood beside the bed and she pressed kissed to his neck and jawline. Slipping her hands under his shirt, she slid them up his abs to his chest and splayed her fingers across his pecs. He moaned softly and she slipped her tongue into his mouth to taste him.

Removing her hands, she grabbed the hem of his t-shirt and pulled it up. He tore his lips away from hers for a moment while she finished removing his tee. Emma glided her hands down his back to his ass. He hadn't bothered to put on any underwear, so when she tugged down his sweats, he stood naked before her. She gazed at him and couldn't imagine anything more perfect. He had the body of a warrior. Chiseled and sculpted in battle and marked with the wounds and scars of war.

Emma knelt down and stroked up his calves to the backs of his thighs. She kissed his knee that was scraped and cut, then his thigh on the scar from where he had been shot.

His head fell back, and he reached for her.

"Em, honey, come here."

She looked up at him. "Please Clay, let me love you."

Her hands moved up to his ass and she kissed and licked at his hardened length.

"Mmmm, baby."

Emma moved her lips up to his abs and his chest, tracing her tongue over bruises and scars. Reaching behind him, she folded down the sheets and motioned for him to lay down. She began to undress, pulling off her sweater and then her jeans. Clay's eyes followed her every move. She unclasped her bra and slipped off the straps, letting it fall. Finally, she rolled her panties down and kicked them off.

Clay reached for her and she swung her leg over him and straddled his body. Leaning down to kiss him, she rubbed herself against his erection. His hands smoothed up and down, from her shoulders to her ass and back.

"Emmie…mmm"

She kissed and licked his chest, his shoulders and his neck while she continued to undulate against him. Then, sitting up, she reached down and guided him inside her.

"Ahhh Clay."

"Baby…Em…I, I need."

"What do you need?"

He kissed her, sucking on her lips. "What do you need?"

"Ahhh…" he rocked up into her. "I need you Emmie."

"Take me then. Take me."

Clay flipped them over so that she was beneath him. He pressed into her as deeply as he could over and over and over. Emma wrapped her legs around his waist and grabbed on to his shoulders. Her body received him again and again. Accepting his despair and desire, his lust and his love.

"Emma, Emma…Em, baby," he called her name in breathy pants.

"Yes Babe!"

Clay could feel her contract around him as she came. Burying his head in her neck, he tasted the sweat on her skin and smelled her perfume. It was her, everywhere, all around him.

"Emma," he cried out as he pulsed into her.

Clay collapsed next to her and looking into her eyes, firmly declared, "I love you. I need you so much Emma."

"I love you Clay. I'm here. I'll always be here."

He pulled her into his arms and was finally calm enough to sleep.