Author note:
I hope you all are still enjoying my story of Emma and Clay. Please leave me a note or review with your favorite part of this chapter.
Woohoo! We get Season 5. I'm so happy we didn't have to say "Goodbye" yet.
(See note at the end)
CH 114-Face the Music
Emma wondered up and down the aisles of the grocery, looking for inspiration. She was determined to have a home cooked meal for Clay whenever he got back. Bravo left Monday, without warning. In fact, she hadn't heard from him since he left for what they thought was a routine day on base. Spinning up without being able to let her know was rare, but it did happen. So, she didn't really know when he would be home. That added to the difficulty in choosing a recipe.
Finally, she decided on cheesy broccoli, rice, and chicken casserole. She could make up enough for them and her dad at the same time, and it would freeze if necessary. As she gathered what she needed, she also got the ingredients to make Clay's favorite, oatmeal raisin cookies. She pictured his expression when he bit into one, and it brought a smile to her face.
When she got back to the apartment and put the perishables away, it was time to take Koda on his walk. Thankfully, he was quick about his business, and she was back on the couch in no time. The week was weighing on her. In addition to the worry about Clay and her dad, it was her last week of classes before summer break. There were final exams, papers, and presentations. That was on top of the end of year program at the Day Care. She was physically and mentally exhausted. Now, going on day five with no word from her dad or Clay, her emotions were about at the breaking point too. She tried to remember what she knew to be true. At a time like this, no news was good news.
She took a deep breath and got up to start cooking. The casserole was fairly simple, and she had it in the oven in no time. While it cooked, she mixed together the ingredients for the cookies. Soon the rice and chicken was sitting on the counter cooling. She would divide it up into individual portions later.
That afternoon, taking Koda with her, she drove over to her dad's and let herself in. She took Koda straight through to the back yard to run around and then went directly to the kitchen. She put one serving of the casserole into his refrigerator and slipped the rest into his freezer for later. While she was there, she took the opportunity to clean out his fridge and pick up the rest of the condo.
By the time she finished, she was later than she meant to be getting home. She heated herself up some casserole and flopped down on the couch to eat. She was hungry, but had a hard time finishing the portion on her plate. She couldn't help worrying about Clay, her dad, and the rest of Bravo. After she ate what she could, her busy week caught up with her and she started to doze off. Before she could fall asleep, she made herself get up and start getting ready for bed.
As she reached into her nightstand for the packet that contained her birth control, she was barely paying attention. She popped the small tablet out into her palm and glanced at the container. It took a moment for the situation to register, but when it did, it jerked her wide awake.
According to the pack she held in her hand, she should have had her period last week. She shook her head to clear it, certain that she was incorrect. She knew this past week was busy, but how could she have missed this? The facts were there in front of her. Based on that, she was almost a week late for her cycle. This couldn't be. There had to be some other explanation. She was on birth control for goodness' sake! There was no way she could be…pregnant.
Her hands were unsteady as she swallowed the dose in her hand and sat down hard on the mattress. This wasn't supposed to be happening. She wasn't ready for a baby. They weren't ready for a baby! Oh my God! She pushed her hair out of her face with a shaking hand. How…what would she say to Clay? And her dad! Emma knew she was panicking, but she couldn't help herself. This wasn't a part of their plan right now.
Pacing around the apartment she ran through all sorts of scenarios and explanations in her head.
"I…I can't believe…how…" she muttered to herself.
It took everything she had not to completely come apart. Finally, utterly worn out, she ended up falling into a restless sleep on the couch.
Well into the early morning, the teams' plane touched down and Clay headed home. He wanted to contact Emma and let her know that they were home and safe. But he knew she was probably asleep at this hour, and he didn't want to wake her.
Clay could smell the lingering aroma of her earlier efforts as he approached their door. His mouth watered as he soundlessly slipped his key into the lock and let himself in. He took in the scene before him. The TV and lights were still on, and Emma lay on the couch, curled into a ball around one of the throw pillows, Koda at her feet. He smiled tenderly as he approached her.
"Em…Em, Baby. I'm home," he called out softly as he bent to kiss her forehead.
"Wha…hmmm, Clay. Are you…you're home?"
She pushed herself up to a seated position, still trying to wake up.
"Yea. I'm home. We all are."
"Everyone's safe?"
Clay sat down beside her and pulled her into his embrace.
"Yep. Everybody made it home safe."
"Oh, thank goodness."
"Honey…I'm sorry I couldn't contact you…we weren't…"
"It's fine. I know it wasn't your choice."
"No. It definitely wasn't."
As she came to full consciousness, Emma remembered her evening and the revelation that happened earlier. She wasn't sure how to broach the subject with Clay, and she wasn't ready to talk about it now. She knew if she dwelled on it, he would be able to see her emotions on her face. He was always able to read her like a book. So, she pushed up from sofa and turned to go into the kitchen.
"Are you hungry? I made a casserole."
"Uh…yea. That sounds good. If it's not any trouble."
He was somewhat confused by her abrupt change of tone. She was usually so happy to see him when he got home from a mission. If the venue were appropriate, she would initiate a kiss, or sometimes more. It wasn't that he expected her to jump on him. He tried not to read too much into it. It was the middle of the night, and he just woke her up. He chalked it up to that and let it go.
After Emma heated up some food for him, and set it on the table, she went to go to bed. She barely even told him goodnight.
"Em, are you going to sleep?"
"Yea. I'm…I'm tired."
"Okay. I understand. I'll be right behind you as soon as I finish."
"Good," was her only response as she gave him a quick peck on the cheek and then fled to their room.
Clay dug into the food on his plate but didn't taste any of it. Something was off. Maybe she was more upset by not hearing from him than she let on. They had been through this a couple times before, so he figured that she would understand. He polished off the portion she served him and then crept into the bedroom. He was pretty certain that she didn't have time to get to sleep yet, but he didn't want to chance it.
When he walked into the room, she was sitting on the bed, staring into space, with her nightshirt in her hand. Clay went to the dresser and grabbed some clean underwear for himself.
"I think I'm gonna take a quick shower, okay?"
"Sure."
She didn't even glance at him as she answered. She must really be upset. He wasn't sure what to do to make it better. He would come up with a plan in the shower.
Emma knew she was keeping Clay at arm's length. It was the only way she knew to keep up her façade and not crumble in his arms. And that was exactly what she wanted to do. She wanted to tell him her suspicions and have him hold her, assuring her everything would be okay somehow. She knew she would have to tell him. He deserved to know what was going on. After all, if there was indeed a baby. It was as much his as it was hers.
While he was in the shower, she slipped into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She had just put the toothpaste on her brush when Clay turned off the water and stepped out to dry off. He looked over at Emma standing at the sink, toothbrush in hand, staring back at his reflection.
"Em," he wrapped the towel around his waist and stepped up beside her, leaning against the counter. "Em, I know something's wrong, honey."
"There's nothing…" she started.
Clay reached out and took the toothbrush from her grasp, laying it down on the sink.
"Emmie, I don't know what's the matter. But you know you can tell me anything."
The loving tone of his words and the tender look on his face broke her. Her chin started to quiver, and her eyes filled with tears.
"It's…it's my period," she sniffed.
Clay pulled her in front of him and wrapped her in his arms. Then he started to rub gentle circles just below her navel.
"I'm sorry that you're in pain."
"Actually, it's not that."
Clay was thoroughly confused. He held her tightly to him, waiting for her to explain.
"I'm…I'm late."
"Late? Late for wha…"
His voice trailed off and she could hear him swallow as the meaning of her statement hit home.
"Okay…did you…have you taken a test or anything?"
Emma shook her head in the negative.
"I haven't. I just figured it out earlier tonight. And" she took a deep breath, "I couldn't really face it."
He turned her around and made sure she was looking at him.
"Do you want me to run out to the drug store and get a…a pregnancy test?"
"No, not now. I think you're supposed to take them in the morning anyway. Something about the hormone levels."
"Okay. Let's get ready for bed and try to get some sleep."
The finished their ablutions silently and headed to bed. Clay pulled back the sheets and followed Emma underneath. He reached for her the second he was settled, and she wrapped herself around him. For a while they pretended that they were falling asleep, but neither could shut off their brain. They each lay there with a million thoughts running through their minds.
The two were touching from head to toe, but their fears kept them worlds apart. Then, Clay felt Emma's hot tears against his chest. He chided himself. He was so caught up in his own head that he didn't even notice she was crying.
"Em...Baby…"
No response.
"Emmie, honey…I'm so sorry."
He heard her sharp intake of breath.
"Why are you sorry?"
"It's my fault that this happened."
"What?"
"I mean, if I hadn't…"
"Last time I checked, both of us were involved…"
"I know, but…"
"Hey." She laid a hand on his cheek. "Do you regret any of the times that we made love?"
"No, never."
"Neither do I. We both took this risk, together."
She laid back down and traced patterns on his skin with her finger. Then she spoke again in almost a whisper.
"Are you scared?"
She expected him to say "No." This was a man that faced the most dangerous situations imaginable, nothing frightened him. But then came his answer, no louder than a breath.
"Yea, I am."
"Of what?"
"Let's face it, Em. Most of this would fall on you. The pregnancy, the birth, and even raising it. My job doesn't leave much time, you know that. I'm afraid that you'll resent me for this getting in the way of your education and your career. I've seen it happen with other guys and it breaks up their relationships, their marriages. And I…I couldn't stand it if that happened if this drove you away."
Emma nodded silently. She wasn't going to ignore his concerns or pretend they were unfounded. She had seen it happen too. She knew the heavy burden her mother carried as the wife of a Tier One Operator and a mother.
"I couldn't either. I know this puts more pressure on you too. And I know this will be harder to deal with than I can imagine even with you beside me. But I could never face it without you."
He pulled her closer and kissed her temple.
"You'll never have to be without me."
"I know this adds more strain on you. I don't want you to feel forced into something."
"Why would you think that? You know that I would marry you tomorrow, baby or no baby. I love you, Em."
"I know…" she huffed out a shaky breath. "I'm…I'm just scared too."
"About…" he prompted.
"Can I do it? Can I actually be a mom?"
He hugged her tighter.
"Are you kidding me? You are so great with Jameelah and RJ. Not to mention how you jumped in and took care of Mike when your mom died. And I've seen you with the kids at day care. They all love you, Babe. You're a natural! It's me we would have to worry about."
"What? Why?"
"You know what my dad was like. I have no idea how to be a father."
Emma half sat up, cradling Clay's face in her hands.
"You are one of the most loving, kind men I know. You take care of everyone you love with everything you have. And, Clay, Ash may have been a crappy role model, but he's not the only Father you had. You had your grandfather. And based on how you turned out, I know that he showed you what it is to be a good father."
Clay nodded and had to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye. She kissed him fiercely and then settled back down beside him.
"You know, we're acting like this is a done deal, Em. We don't even know if you really are pregnant."
"I know. But it's hard not to think about it."
"Well, let's try to sleep, if we can. And I'll go out and pick up a test first thing tomorrow, okay?"
"Mmmhmm."
They both felt better after sharing their fears and feelings with each other. It didn't solve anything. But at least they knew that they were in this together. Eventually exhaustion claimed them.
Even after the late night, Clay awoke early, He slipped out of bed and ran to the store. He stood in the aisle of the neighborhood drug store, scanning over the plethora of tests in front of him. He had absolutely no idea which one to choose. He thought about calling Emma, but he wanted her to get as much rest as she could. Out of the corner of his eye he saw someone coming down the aisle towards him. When he looked up, he could see that it was Mrs. Kaminsky, their former neighbor. He was slightly embarrassed about being found perusing pregnancy tests by the elderly woman.
"Clay, I thought that was you."
"Hi Mrs. Kaminsky."
She looked at the box in his hand and then at the shelves in front of them.
"Are you and that sweet girl of yours having a little one?"
"Well…we're not exactly sure. That's why I'm here."
"Could you use some advice?"
He wasn't sure if she meant on his choice of test, or on Emma possibly being pregnant.
"Uh, yea, I guess."
She lifted another box from the shelf and handed it to him.
"This one will be more accurate with easier to read results."
Clay smiled back at her and then bent to kiss her wrinkled cheek.
"Thanks."
"Good luck," she said with a smile and a wave.
Clay made his purchase and then made his way back to the apartment. Emma was still in bed when he got home. He started some coffee, took Koda on a walk, and returned as silently as he knew how. A few minutes after he and the dog got back, Emma shuffled out into the living room and sat down by him on the couch.
"Morning Honey."
"Good morning," she managed between yawns.
"Are you hungry?"
"Mmm, not yet."
"Want some coffee?"
"Um…maybe juice or milk. Just until we know…"
"Sure thing,"
He got up to go get her drink. She sipped at her juice and cuddled into him. Neither one said anything, they just sat, drawing strength from each other. Finally, Emma shifted and got up from the sofa. She walked over to the table and picked up the bag he'd left there.
"Is this the…the test?"
"Ah, yea. I went out earlier and got it."
"Ok. Well, I'm going to go and…"
Clay rose and walked into the bedroom with her. Emma continued to the bathroom, and paused, shooting him a glance before closing the door. Just before she shut the door completely, he called out softly.
"I love you, Em."
Clay waited on the bed for her to return. He didn't realize he was holding his breath until the door opened.
"Well…"
"It takes three minutes for the results."
She stood there, twisting her hands nervously in front of herself until he opened his arms to her. She sat on his lap and curled into him. Clay held her tightly and pressed his lips to the top of her head. He wanted to say something to calm her nerves. But he didn't know what. All he could do was hold her, hoping that would reassure her that she wasn't in this alone.
They sat like that, until Clay checked his watch.
"It…I think it's time now."
Emma didn't make a move. She was too afraid to know the results.
"Do you want me to look?"
She nodded her head and he lifted her off his lap to go check. The bathroom was only a few steps away, but the walk to the vanity seemed endless. Taking a deep breath, he picked up the small stick that would determine their future. He looked at the display window and saw the words, "Not Pregnant." His first response was relief. But surprisingly, there was an underlying current of regret as well. He did want to make Emma wait any longer.
"It's negative. It says you're not pregnant, Babe."
Clay made his way back over to her and she threw herself into his arms as soon as he was within reach. He held her for long minutes while they each tried to deal with all their emotions. When she stepped back, he could see huge tears standing in her eyes.
"It's gonna be okay. I was scared too."
She shook her head and swiped the back of her hand across her face.
"I'm not…that's not why I'm…it's crazy."
"What, honey?"
"I'm a little…I don't know. I'm glad, don't get me wrong. But…I'm kinda sad too."
He pulled her close again.
"I know. Me too."
"Really? I mean, I know this is best. And I was terrified. But there's a little part of me that started dreaming. I could see you holding our child and…"
"I did too, honey. I thought about it. How you would look, pregnant with our baby. How cute she would be, with your nose and smile."
She teared up again.
"I want that too. I want to have your babies, I do. And I somehow feel bad for being relieved. Does that make any sense?"
"Yea. Of course, it does. But it's okay that we don't want it right now."
He kissed her cheek and smoothed back her hair.
"Since we know you're not pregnant, do you know why you missed your period?"
"I guess it was just too much stress. All the stuff with school, the program at work, getting ready for the classes I'm teaching this summer, and …"
"And worrying about me and the Team?"
He felt horrible that he added to her stress.
"Em, I'm sorry…"
She raised a finger to his lips.
"Shhh. Don't be sorry. It comes with the territory. I'm usually fine. I guess that on top of everything else it was just too much."
"And I bet you skipped meals and didn't get enough sleep either, hmm?"
She looked sheepishly up at him. He knew her too well.
"There was so much to do," she defended, shrugging her shoulders.
"Honey, you need to take better care of yourself."
"I know."
Clay kissed her forehead and then turned her toward the bathroom.
"We can start right now. You go jump in the shower and I'll make us some breakfast."
"Omelets," she questioned hopefully, over her shoulder.
"Sure, one of Clay Spenser's famous omelets coming right up."
Before he could leave, she reached out for his hand.
"Clay…I…"
She couldn't find the words to express exactly what she was feeling right now. He searched her face and then leaned in for a tender kiss. Words weren't necessary. He understood her perfectly.
*Some of you might recognize Mrs. Kaminsky from "Before it Was Us."*
