Author note:
Sorry it took me so long to update. This one fought me every step of the way. And, I had some personal stuff that took my attention.
If you're still hanging in there with me...I truly appreciate it!
CH 115-Risk Assessment
The moon was sinking low in the sky and the Eastern horizon held just the promise of sunrise as Clay let himself in the apartment. The team was continuing their night maneuvers training. For two whole weeks Bravo reported to the training field at 9pm each night and ran scenarios until 5am. They were testing new equipment and the keenness of their other senses. The flip in hours was wreaking havoc on Clay's internal clock and keeping he and Emma on opposite schedules. Each morning he would crawl into bed cuddling her into his arms for a scant hour and a half before her alarm sounded and she reluctantly left his embrace before starting her day.
Emma's schedule was just as busy. She was still teaching music classes at the Day Care three afternoons a week and took the opportunity as an aide for a Summer Program in the local elementary school that helped Special Needs students. The dual commitments made for long hours, but the experience was worth it. So, they ended up like the proverbial two ships that passed each other as they came and went.
As the weekend approached, they both breathed a sigh of relief. Bravo would be back on regular hours and Emma would be off work. They could finally get some quality time with each other. Even if it was only hanging out at home, they both looked forward to it.
It was by no means early on Saturday when Emma awoke. Clay was spooned behind her. She could feel the weight of his arm around her waist and the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he slept on. It didn't surprise her that for once, she was awake first. Although she wasn't awake when he got home, he most likely had only been asleep for a few hours. She debated internally if she wanted to get up and start her day, or stay where she was, enjoying the solid strength and comfort Clay's arms provided, even as he slept. She must have moved slightly, causing him to start to wake. She could hear his breath quicken and felt his arm pull her closer. Then he nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck and placed tiny kisses against her neck.
"Morning, Beautiful."
His voice was still gravelly with sleep. Her body responded to his touch, and she felt warmth sweep over her. Encouraged by her reaction, Clay slipped his hand under the hem of her sleep tank and skated his fingertips across her skin as he made his way up to her breasts. When he reached his destination and started to fondle her, he heard a low hum from her throat and felt her hips shift against him.
Emma was lost in the feel of Clay surrounding her, lips on her skin, hand weaving its magic underneath her shirt, and his morning erection pressing into her behind. She knew where this was headed. To her own surprise, and Clay's, she grasped his hand from her tank and brought it to her lips, even as she started to kick the covers off her legs. After pressing a kiss to his palm, she sat up turned to him.
"I know you got home just a few hours ago. Why don't you get a little more sleep? I'll take Koda out and you can stay in bed as long as you want."
"I'm fine, really. Why don't you come ba…"?
But she was already pulling on a pair of leggings and heading to the closet to grab some shoes. Soon he heard her speaking to the dog and then the solid sound of the front door closing. He lay there in a quandary, wondering what just happened. He certainly wasn't sleepy anymore. Trying not to make too big a deal of her response to his attention, he made his way to the bathroom and started the shower.
Emma took Koda on their regular route. This morning he seemed to want to stop at every tree and bush. She was actually happy for the extra time to clear her head. She knew Clay was confused, and possibly hurt after her hasty exit from their bed. She hadn't done it intentionally. She wasn't sure why she had done it at all. With her late period and then their opposing schedules, it had been a few weeks since they had made love. That was too long. She wanted to be close to him. She wanted his touch. She wanted him.
When she got back to the apartment, he was out of the shower and making them something to eat. He motioned for her to sit down at the table and then sat some fruit and scrambled eggs in front of her. After fixing them both mugs of coffee, he joined her. She ate her breakfast, unsure how to bring up what was on her mind. She was so engrossed in her thoughts that she almost jumped when he broke the silence to speak to her.
"So, any plans for today?"
"Huh? Sorry…I was…"
He chuckled softly before repeating his question.
"I was wondering if you had any plans for today, anything you needed to do?"
"Oh…no. Just the usual, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning up around here. I do have a couple lesson plans to work on. The teacher I'm working with is letting me take a couple of the students and work on their lesson plans for the Summer."
"Em, that's great!"
As always, she blushed at his praise.
"Yea, it's giving me some real insight into how important individualized strategies can be for kids with Special Needs."
He smiled and reached across the table to squeeze her hand as she continued to talk about what she was learning. He always loved to see and hear how passionate she got about her work. After a couple more minutes she paused.
"Sorry, that wasn't what you asked me at all."
"Don't apologize for loving what you do, Sweetie. I always love to hear about what you're doing and learning. And I'm sorry we haven't gotten to talk more about it."
So much of their lives revolved around Bravo and his job. But he never wanted her to feel that her life and interests didn't matter to him.
"It sounds like those plans are going to take some time and concentration. Do you need to get started on them right away?"
"No. Actually, I was hoping we could spend the day together. I have time tomorrow to start working on those."
"Great! What if we drive up to Savage Neck Preserve and hike the Sand Dunes?"
"After two weeks of nighttime training, you want to spend the day hiking?"
"It's not exactly the same thing, Em."
"I know. I just thought you would want to relax."
"Being alone with you, enjoying the sunshine and fresh air…that is relaxing."
"What will we do with Koda? Dogs aren't allowed there."
"I can text Brock and see if Koda could hang out with him and Cerb today."
"Then, I'd love to!"
He leaned over and gave her a loud smooch on the cheek.
"Great! I'll get our stuff together while you get ready."
Emma fleetingly thought about her intention to address her behavior this morning. But it didn't seem like Clay even gave it a second thought. She decided she was making a mountain out of a mole hill and went to go get ready for their day.
Brock was happy to take Koda for a few hours, so they dropped him off and made their way up to the nature preserve. There were only two other cars in the small parking lot when they arrived. Emma hopped down from the truck while Clay grabbed their water bottles and a small pack with snacks and a first aid kit. He handed Emma her water bottle and then took her hand, as they started out down the trail.
They turned down the grassy path that headed into the trees. Soon the trees parted, and a meadow was laid out before them. After crossing open field, they took the left fork of the path that turned them toward the beach. As they stepped onto the sandy shore, Emma stopped to admire the view. The white sand was dotted with driftwood as it stretched out to their left.
They walked in silence, listening to the raucous calls of the gulls and the gentle lapping of the waves. A large stump of a tree, its roots twisting and turning their way out from the ground formed a natural sculpture. She stopped to take a photo.
"It's crazy to think that just some water did that. "
"Yea. Water can drastically change the landscape. It works so slowly that you hardly even notice it eating away shore, the rocks, and trees. Then one day they're gone."
As she nodded in agreement, there was a pricking at her subconscious. It was just a small, anxious feeling she couldn't immediately identify. Determined to not let anything ruin their day together, she pushed the feeling aside and followed Clay, who had already continued down the beach.
The sky was cloudless, and the sun beat down on them as they walked. When they stopped to take a drink, Emma took off the shirt she was wearing and tied it around her waist. This left her in her leggings and sports bra, and one of his baseball caps with her ponytail pulled through. Clay couldn't resist her and pulled her close for a kiss. She lost herself in the feel of his lips on hers, warm and insistent. As he held her, his hand drifted down to cup her behind and pull her closer. He swallowed her soft moan as she felt his body against her. His broad, solid chest and sculpted abs were pressed to her front and his thick, powerful arms wrapped around her. She was always amazed that with all that strength, all that muscle, he held her so tenderly. He cradled her like a precious treasure, when he could have man-handled her any way he liked. He made her feel protected and cherished.
Even though there was no one else around, they were in public, so neither one let it go any farther. Emma's physical and emotional reaction to his touch was completely uninhibited. Her unconscious reaction to his morning advances rushed back to her mind. When Clay lifted his head and stood holding her in his arms, she approached the subject.
"Clay…"
"Hmmm?"
"I, uh…I wanted to say that I'm sorry about this morning."
"About what?"
She stepped back so she could look into his face.
"I'm sorry that I…that I stopped you. That I got out of bed instead of…well instead of responding to you."
He definitely thought it was strange at the time, but he didn't want her feeling guilty. There were many reasons that she could have not wanted to be with him right then.
"Honey, you don't need apologize."
"But b-but I wasn't…"
"You don't need to explain anything to me, Babe. You have every right to tell me 'No' at any time. You don't have to be in the mood just because I am."
"I don't even know what it was."
He kissed her head and pulled her into his arms again.
"It doesn't matter. Unless… unless I did something that upset you."
"No. You didn't do anything."
"Well, then it doesn't matter," he responded as he tucked her head under his chin. "We all good?"
She nodded silently, agreeing. But the truth was, something was amiss, she just didn't know what. She would need to figure it out for herself before she could discuss it with Clay.
They hiked the rest of the shoreline and then headed inland to explore the wetlands. They were hungry, hot, and tired by the time they were done. They climbed back in the truck and started to make their way home.
"That was so beautiful. Thank you for thinking of it."
"Yea, it was. But I have to admit that it was mostly selfish on my part."
Emma's brow was wrinkled with confusion as she looked at him.
"After only seeing glimpses of the sun, and you, these past couple weeks…I needed this."
"So did I."
They stopped on the way home to pick up Koda, and some food. Returning to the apartment, Koda bounded up the stairs and when the door opened, made his way directly to his kennel and laid down.
"Did Cerb tire you out today, boy?"
Emma commiserated with the dog.
"It was all that fun in the fresh air and sunshine, huh? I know how you feel."
Clay was sitting their food out on the counter as she walked into the kitchen.
"You know, I think I'd like to clean up before I eat. I'll be quick, but you don't have to wait on me."
She went up on tip toe to place a peck on his cheek and then turned toward their bedroom. After stripping off her sweaty clothes, she started the shower and stepped under the spray of water. She was rinsing the shampoo from her hair when she heard the shower door open.
"Em…"
She saw Clay standing there on the threshold. The fact that he didn't take his welcome for granted hit her hard. She never meant for there to be a wall between them when it came to the physical expression of their love. Holding out her hand for him, she pulled him into her embrace. Their lips met and she melted into the kiss. Her body roused to him, nipples pebbling against his skin and liquid heat gathering at her core. Clay's body was reacting as well. His fingers flexed into the flesh of her hips as he pulled her closer, and she could feel him, standing tall and proud, pressed between them.
His mouth pulled away from hers and trailed across her jaw to her delicate ear. He licked at the hollow behind her tiny lobe, pulling a moan from her lips. Sliding his hands down to the back of her thighs, he lifted her and pressed her back against the cool tile wall. Emma wrapped her legs around his waist, hands grasping onto his shoulders. He aligned himself with her center and started to press inside…until he felt her body tense up. He stopped immediately, concerned at her reaction.
"Baby…am I hurting you?"
She shook her head and moved a hand to cup his cheek, pulling his lips to hers. Clay again placed himself at her entrance and began to slide into her. He felt her tighten up again. This time he completely backed off and helped her into a standing position. Searching her face for some clue as to what was happening, he saw a tear escape from the corner of her eye.
"Em, I did hurt you! Oh my God. I'm so sorry, Honey."
He cradled her face in both hands and pressed his lips to her brow. He honestly thought she was ready. Guilt washed over him along with the quickly cooling spray from the showerhead.
She sniffed and hung her head.
"No…no you didn't hurt me. I promise."
Her shoulders began to shake with silent sobs.
"Babe?"
Clay turned off the water and opened the door, reaching for their towels. Once he had her wrapped up, he slung his towel around his hips and helped her step out onto the bathmat. Tears were still running down her cheeks as he pulled her into his arms.
"What's wrong?"
"I-I—I'm not sure."
"You said I didn't hurt you. Are you…are you scared? Did I do something?"
"No, never!"
Her tone was vehement. He had never made her feel anything but safe and loved.
"I don't know wha…"
He could see the goosebumps on her skin and the small rivulets of water dripping from her hair.
"Let's get dried off and then we can talk about this."
Emma nodded and mechanically went through the motions of drying her body and wrapping her hair in another towel. Clay dried off as well and slipped into a pair of clean sweats as he handed over her robe. When he was sure she was no longer chilled, he took her hand and led them into the bedroom. Sitting on the mattress he patted the place beside him, and she sat, cross-legged, facing him. Clay reached out to take her hands before he spoke.
"It's gonna be okay, Em."
She sniffed and nodded again.
"Are you sure I haven't done something to upset you?"
"Yes. I'm positive."
"Okay… I guess the question is what might be bothering you so much that it is affecting you physically."
"I wish I knew. It's so confusing. I want to be with you. I honestly wanted you, just now in the shower. But…when it came time, it's like I suddenly felt panicked."
As she explained her feelings, an idea formed in Clay's head.
"Do you think it could have anything to do with what happened last month?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do you think…do you think you could, deep down, you could be afraid of getting pregnant?"
"I-I don't know."
"It tracks, doesn't it?"
She sighed and squeezed his hand. She felt so stupid that she didn't think of that herself. He truly did know her better than she knew herself.
"I does make sense. I mean I know that I wasn't and that the chances are slim with me on birth control, but…"
"But…the scare we had. It would be understandable if you were."
"I think you're right. I guess subconsciously, I must be afraid of what could happen."
She looked up at him with watery eyes.
"I'm so sorry. I never meant for this…"
Clay pulled her onto his lap and held her.
"Em, you have no reason to be sorry. You have every right to your feelings. And, you know…we don't have to have sex. There are other ways we can…"
She was shaking her head already. She couldn't imagine not making love with him, not having that intimate connection between them.
"No, I want to. I want to be with you."
"We'll figure it out, Honey. We don't have to rush anything."
"But…"
"It's more important for you to feel safe. I don't want this slowly eating away at you."
"I don't want it to come between us."
"As long as we keep talking about it, it won't. "
He leaned in and placed a kiss to her forehead.
"Let's go have our dinner."
"But…"
"We don't have to solve this tonight."
Nodding, she went to get dressed.
The rest of the weekend was quiet. Emma worked on her lesson plans and they both did the chores that were needed around the apartment. Even though there was ample opportunity, the couple wasn't intimate.
There wasn't a complete lack of affection, however. While she was working at the desk in the bedroom, Clay brought her in a drink and rubbed her shoulders and neck as she explained about what she was doing. They held hands as they took Koda on his walks and snuggled together on the couch watching TV.
The new week began, and everything appeared normal. Clay reported to base and Emma went back and forth between her two jobs. Clay didn't bring up the subject of their intimacy because he didn't want her to feel like he was pushing her into anything. But he did have a thought. Mid-week he stopped by the drug store and got a box of condoms, thinking that when she was ready, the extra protection might make her feel better about it.
That night when he came home, he dropped his ruck by the door, thinking nothing of it. Emma was doing laundry and went into his bag to get any dirty clothes to add to the load. She saw the box from the store and questioned him.
"I got those today. I was going to put them away and talk to you about it when you're ready."
"We can talk now."
He led her to the sofa and snuggled her into his side.
"I got those thinking that it might make you feel, I don't know, safer about making love if I wore a condom."
"Why didn't you mention it until now?"
"I don't want to rush you, Em. I want you to take your time and wait until you're comfortable being with me again."
She started to apologize once again but he placed a finger over her lips.
"I don't want you to feel bad about any of this. I understand why you could still be scared to take that risk. This was just…a way to show you that I'll do whatever you need me to do, Em."
"Thank you. I'm trying. I really am."
"I know Babe. And having you in my life, having you beside me is all I need."
He kissed her sweetly but didn't try to take things any further. Then he got up and went to get changed and take the dog for a walk. Emma tried not to feel guilty, but she couldn't help herself. As she was trying to sort through her feelings, Clay and Koda came back in the door. It was much quicker than she was expecting.
"We're getting spun up. I need to report in immediately. Koda didn't get a chance…"
Emma nodded her head in understanding as she slipped on her flip flops and reached for Koda's leash. Clay disappeared into the bedroom and was back out in a few short minutes. He opened his arms for her, and she immediately went to him.
"I don't know how long this will take, or when I can contact you."
"I know. It's okay."
She felt him kiss the top of her head. And then he tipped her chin up to meet his gaze.
"I love you. Take care while I'm gone, ok?"
"We'll be fine. You and the boys take care of each other and come home safe to me."
"I will."
One last kiss and he moved toward the door.
"I love you, Clay."
"I love you too, Honey."
When she and Koda got back after his walk, she was alone with her thoughts. The apartment seemed quieter than normal as she tried not to think about what the Team might be doing. And she knew that she still needed to face her fears and figure out how to be with Clay again. Especially now that he was gone, she ached to be close to him. She knew they were on solid ground, but there was something missing without that physical connection between them. It was barely noticeable , like the water that eroded the shoreline where they hiked, she could feel it eating away at their relationship.
Two days past with just one message each from her dad and Clay. They let her know they had arrived safely. When she wasn't working, she tried to figure out how to make herself comfortable being physical with Clay again. She worked through things logically, in her head, but it didn't guarantee that her latent fears wouldn't surface again. When she finally got a message from Clay that they were on their way home, she was no closer to solving the issue.
Emma was only home from work for a few minutes when she heard the key in the lock and Clay pushed open the door. She went to him immediately. Thankful that once more, he returned safely to her. When he released her, she could see a slouch to his shoulders and pain behind his expression.
"Is something wrong?"
He hesitated and swallowed audibly. She knew her dad and the rest of the team were home, but his reluctance to answer still scared her.
"Uh…it was a tough…"
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
He reached for her hand and walked over to the sofa. He moved slowly, seeming to favor his left leg.
"The um…the EOD assigned to the team for this OP…he, well, he didn't make it."
Emma reached her arms around him and held him tight.
"How awful! I'm so sorry, Babe."
He was often unsure how much to share with her. Technically, he shouldn't tell her anything, but he needed to get this off his chest.
"Metal and I were assigned to watch his six while he defused a bomb set in a hospital. The rest of the guys were clearing the building."
He took a deep breath and continued.
"Things went sideways, and the bomb triggered. He told us to go, to get out. We thought he was right behind us…but he stayed to keep trying to neutralize it."
Emma could see the horror in his gaze as he related the events.
"The thing blew. It was so much more powerful than we anticipated. It knocked Metal and me off our feet. And, by the time we both got up and did recon…we couldn't find him anywhere."
She felt his pain, and her heart ached for him.
"When it was all over, we went back, looking for him. And my God Em…there was nothing left."
His voice broke as he continued.
"We don't even have a body to send home to his family."
"I'm so so sorry," she responded as she held him tighter.
"I know it's early still…but I think I'm going to head to bed."
"Of course. You're probably exhausted."
They both got up and she followed him into the bedroom. She could now clearly see a limp. He stood by the bed and started to undress.
"You don't have to come with, Babe," he said as he pulled off his shirt.
"I want to."
She sat down on the mattress and unzipped his pants, pushing them to the floor as he kicked off his boots. She could see the reason for his tender leg, a bandage wrapped around his calf. She motioned to his leg and tried not to sound upset.
"What happened?"
He brushed it off, but she insisted.
"Clay, I could see you favoring it as you walked. Please…"
"I caught a little shrapnel from the blast."
He could hear her gasp and he tugged her up into his arms.
"It's just a scratch. Trent fixed me up on the fight home. I promise, I'm gonna be fine."
Emma pulled his head down for a kiss, and then stepped back, starting t undress. In spite of his weariness and his grief, seeing her peal away her clothes to reveal her silky skin and luscious curves aroused him. When she was fully undressed, she pulled his boxer briefs down and he stepped out of them. She crawled under the sheets and Clay followed.
As soon as he was settled, he pulled Emma to him, until not a breath of air separated them. She tipped her face up to his and their lips connected. They traded deep, searching kisses as their hands roamed over each other's bodies. Her small hand stroked his length, and she swallowed his moans as their tongues continued to tangle. After a few more moments their need for each other peaked. Emma rolled atop him and rocked her hips back to connect them. Clay pulled his lips from hers and hesitated.
"Em, wait…I need to grab a condo…"
She stopped his words with another kiss and then answered him.
"No, I want all of you."
His eyes searched her face, making sure she meant it. She claimed his lips again and slid him into her tight heat. With a groan, Clay rolled them over until she was beneath him. He set the pace, making love to her, slowly, tenderly. His deep, measured thrusts drew out their pleasure and brought her to climax just before he shuddered and spilled himself inside her.
Later, as they lay together, Clay was teasing strands of her hair through his fingers, wondering what encouraged her to resume their intimacy. He was praying she didn't feel obligated. But he hadn't felt any resistance as they joined and she seemed completely at ease now, resting in his arms.
"Em?"
"Hmmm?"
"Is everything…are you okay?"
She dropped a few kisses on his chest and shoulder before answering.
"I'm fine. Why, are you okay? Does your leg hurt?"
He stroked a hand down her back assuring her that he wasn't in any pain. Still, he had to know what changed her mind.
"Honey, just now you seemed, I mean…you didn't tense up or anything."
Emma bent her arm and propped her head on her hand so she could see him.
"No, no I didn't."
"What, what changed?"
"After hearing about what happened, and seeing your injury, I guess I realized how close I came to losing you. I know each time you go, there's the risk of never seeing you again. The risk of never again feeling you hold me, of never again being able to make love to you to show you how much you mean to me."
"Em…"
"The possibility of getting pregnant with your baby, that's nothing in the face of what we risk all the time."
Her chin quivered and a tear rolled down her cheek. He wiped it away gently as she continued.
"I can't control that, but I can control this. And…I realized it's a chance I'm willing to take."
He cradled the back of her head in his hand and brought her lips to his, kissing her until neither had any breath.
