November 8th, 2038

PM 12:30:21


There are few things more complicated than human instincts.

Those "gut" feelings that come in burst feeds of suggested courses of action. But then the brain gets in the way. That thing that's been crafted and cultivated based on societal norms and mental obligations; otherwise known as logic. And, on top of all that, there's the heart. The part of you that reflects the collective effort of instincts and logic:

Emotions.

These three concepts shape who we are. A complex communication network locked in a constant state of battle for server priority because what about "life" or "living" is ever easy?

Your gut had told you that you should've driven in a separate car. Your brain told you otherwise, because honestly, why bother if the three of you were headed towards the same place? And your emotions, well…They told you that you should've never come at all.

If you'd listened to your instincts, you could've been alone while dealing with the internal network failure that was rooted in a mass of misaligned receivers and signal interceptors. Your systems were in complete communication blackout. No more, "This feels wrong," "But it probably isn't," "But I feel like it is," conflicting airwaves leading to poor reaction times and bad decisions. Radio silence.

Hank's radio, his actual radio, was anything but silent. You could've avoided the screeching guitars and shouting voices if you'd listened to your instincts, too.

You bunched your jacket around your neck and sank into the corner of your seat. The windshield wipers scrapped away icy sprinkles as they collided with the glass, the slush arcing at the edges. You sighed, staring into the fog on your window.

Hank turned down his music, and the tension in the car skyrocketed.

"Well, that was a turn of events. Not quite how I thought this meeting would go."

Connor huffed.

He may have meant well, but you didn't feel like talking. Even if you had been, you weren't sure if you'd be able. What did you have to say? Your entire life's work – failed work, had just been laid out in front of two people that were close to you, but kept at a safe distance.

"Why didn't you shoot?" Hank asked Connor, and you tuned in.

"I just saw that girl's eyes…" Connor's head shifted in front of the headrest, "…and I couldn't, that's all."

Your shoulders tensed, and you tried to shrink away. Wished you could just disappear, and be in your apartment – alone.

"Yeah, you said something like that back at the Eden Club, too. And still, you're always saying you would do anything to accomplish your mission."

"Yeah, I know what I should've done," Connor snapped, "I told you, I couldn't! I'm sorry, okay?"

He was looking at Hank, turned in his seat. There was a desperate plea to understand and stop questioning him in his words. He was distraught, and you weren't equipped to help him. Not in your state.

"Guess it doesn't matter…" Hank sighed, "Either way, you did the right thing. Minus the whole temper tantrum at the end. Could've done without that."

Connor scowled. His elbow planted itself on the armrest, and the back of his chair bumped your knees as he adjusted himself. You pulled back, rigid with every muscle tight as you jammed your hands in your pockets.

"We got what we came for, regardless…So much for a 'need to know basis, huh?'" Hank chuckled under his breath.

Your jaw tightened, and you kept your vision locked to the snowy blurs outside.

"Look, kid…It's okay to be upset. That shit weirded me out…I can't imagine-"

"No." Your fingernails dug deep in your palms, hands balled in fists, "You can't."

"I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation here," He said your last name, and your head whipped around, "If what you wrote put this whole thing in motion, you're at risk for liability. Accessory. Fucking-"

"I know, Hank." Your eyes began to well again, "I know…"

Connor shifted, and it shook the seat in front of you. You pursed your lips, trying to move farther away.

"Let's start with something small, then. Work our way up." He leaned back in his seat, "How did you meet?"

You were his escape from the media. The pressure. Everything. Just a normal girl who wanted to get to know Elijah Kamski, not the rising star everyone wanted him to be.

"By chance, back when we were young." You swallowed, "I lived with my family in the house I grew up in. Our neighbors were friends of his parents. The Kamksi family visited them one day, and…"

You sucked in the rest of the memory, holding it captive. You couldn't go back that far. Not here, not now.

Not ever.

He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, "What was he like?"

You wanted to tell him how awkward this was with Connor in the car. How badly you didn't want to keep this going. So, you simplified things.

"He had such a bleak understanding about the world…Had it broken down into algorithms, and statistics. It was stripped bare…so I tried to teach him the beauty of it all. Art, music, creative literature – let him explore…" You frowned, "I just wanted him to be happy. He was doing so much for "us," as a collective…He deserved a bit of peace."

No amount of simplicity could stop the crying you'd found yourself doing much too often.

"And I watched him grow into a man. One I helped shape, and then one I let be manipulated and twisted into a…" You choked, "A machine. A being without empathy. Someone who reflected all the cold characteristics that he pinned on his creations."

You gave a hopeless smirk to the blizzard at the irony of it all. Like how it took an android – Connor, to remind him how to be human.

"Amanda Stern was an Artificial Intelligence Professor at Colbridge. Ambitious as she was, she sucked the life out of him, again. Put distance between him and I, strained his friendship with Carl after we'd met him at one of his galleries..." Your brows tightened, "Elijah resented me when I became a...an 'uncontrolled variable.' The thing in is life that didn't fit his formulas and charts. So, he tried to get me to fit. Tried to get everyone – everything, to fit. He couldn't. And that lack of parameters…that's what turned him into what he is today."

"If things were that bad, why'd you deal with it for so long?"

"I was convinced it was my fault. He made me feel like I let him down. And when I tried to fix it – when I tried to correct the spiral he was sending the world into…I only made it worse." You looked out the window, "I didn't know how much worse, until today…"

"Because of Revised Article 9?" Connor asked.

You were surprised to hear him speak, especially with a question regarding RA-9. Maybe you shouldn't have been.

"It was supposed to be an amendment to the proposed legislation surrounding androids before their launch. A legal document passed to the courts that I'd hoped would leave us out of it. A suggestion on how to keep the economy stable and the relationship between humans and androids…amicable."

Hank leaned an elbow on the console, "That didn't work out, obviously."

"No. The corporate lawyers came in waves. The death threats from shareholders and investors came next." You cringed, "All Elijah saw was more stress added to his daily routine, and me at the source. Those court proceedings were messier than the divorce…"

"It seems like the two of you ended things on a positive note, this afternoon..." Connor's voice was the most "robotic" you'd heard since the two of you had met.

If you knew any better, you'd say it sounded a lot like jealousy.

"You still love 'im?" Hank glanced at you in the mirror.

It was a complicated answer to a question you wish he hadn't asked.

"It's possible to have love for someone and not be in love with them."

You'd hated Elijah for so long it was exhausting. Forgiving him was a start to forgiving yourself, even if the guilt was partially misplaced…Still, you wouldn't forget. There were a lot of choices he'd made regarding his treatment towards you, and at some point, one must be held responsible for their own actions. The idea of being friends was…welcomed.

Connor sucked his teeth, "He seems to have a different outlook on the matter."

Hank hiked a brow, looking at him from the corner of his eye. You lowered your gaze, staring at the melted snow on your boots.

"That's irrelevant. I've…" You found a glowing arm band twinkling in the space where the seatbelt stretched, "I've moved on."

"Oh?" Hank gave a sly grin, "This another crazy super-star that's gonna roll out the next game changer and destroy our economy?"

"No, Hank…" You rolled your eyes.

"Well, what's he like?"

"What?"

"This new guy. It's a simple goddamn question."

You scoffed, "I think I'm done with the questioning…"

"You still mad at me or somethin'?"

"You kneed me in the fucking stomach."

"Yeah, to stop you from being stupid. You're welcome."

You crossed your arms, huddling deeper in the corner like a child on time out.

"Look, whether you like it or not, we're gonna be stuck in this car together for a while." He flicked the turn signal, heading back towards the city, "Least you could do is humor me."

You sighed.

"He's…kind. Gentle. But ruthless when he needs to be." And then you smiled, "He doesn't really know how much, but…he's helped me a lot these past couple months."

Connor fidgeted, his shoulders moving along the edges of his backrest.

"I'm just scared of making the same mistakes. I've had enough heartbreak for one lifetime."

You'd had more than you'd care to share. You'd wanted a future with Elijah. Had cherished every moment together – like your first Christmas, decorating the apartment. How a few years later, you stumbled through catalogs; searching for something to buy for a man who needed nothing. You'd both got pretty awful gifts for each other that year…laughed it off, and spent uninterrupted quality time together, instead.

You couldn't build memories like that with someone again, only for them to be replaced with night terrors.

"I don't think you have anything to worry about, Officer." A gentle note rang in Connor's voice again, "You seem the type to learn from your past."

"Tell that to her when she stops getting shot."

"Shut up, Lieutenant." You huffed.

"Have you met this guy?" Hank cocked his chin at Connor.

"N-no…" He was a horrible liar, "But…" He paused, his face dropping out of view, "He sounds like a 'good fit…'"

You blushed, "Yeah…Yeah, he is."

"May I ask a question?" Connor turned around in his seat, looking at you from over his shoulder.

It was refreshing to see his face in a calmed state. Safe harbor in the tempest winds – a warm light in the cold.

"Kamski said the original android who discovered your file was straying from its task, yet it itself had not become deviant yet."

Leave it to him to change the topic.

"Do you believe this android was merely suffering from a manufacturing defect?"

You frowned, "Not necessarily…I think maybe it was just…curious."

"Androids cannot be 'curious,' when given a specific task."

"You break android stereotypes every day, Connor." You smirked, "Didn't you 'stray from your original task' when you saved me?"

"Yes, as quite a few people like to repeatedly point out." His face fell flat, and he plopped back around, "I, however, do not possess manufacturing defects..."

"Well, there's your answer then." Hank cut him off.

"I do not have my 'answer,' Lieutenant. If I did, the deviancy matter at hand would be resolved."

"Connor..." Hank scoffed, "You're being a brat."

Your cheek pulled back in a grin until you found Hank glaring at you in the rearview. Your neck snaked back in anxiety.

He heaved a heavy sigh, "Listen, I can't go running to Fowler and tell him I broke all sorts of federal laws by bringing you anywhere near that psychopath…but I'll do my best to get you back on the case. We need your input, since you seem to have a particular understanding of deviants."

You sniffed, swiping at your nose. You pulled your jacket closer, yawning, "Thanks, Lieutenant…I appreciate that."

"Just one more question."

He had his "dad voice" on, like you were about to get scolded. For what, you couldn't be sure. You guessed he had a running list by now.

"What's that?"

"Do I look like a fuckin' idiot to you two?"

You jumped, your guilty glance matched Connor's. The car rolled to a halt, waiting for a light.

"Come again?" You asked, knowing exactly what he meant.

"Connor disappearing at night. Staying at your apartment. Whatever the fuck that was, a little bit ago." He bit the inside of his cheek, "And look, I don't give a fuck. If it keeps him out of trouble and you from doing stupid shit, have at it."

He hit his turn signal, driving as the traffic light turned green.

"But enough with the smoke and mirrors. Got it?"

Connor seemed as equally confused and shocked as you.

"Got it." You mumbled.

"Good." Hank reached for his radio dial, "Now, consider this therapy session over."

He cranked his music, louder this time.

Disconnected as you were, it was nice knowing you still had people in your corner. People who cared about you and wanted you to be happy. People who saw the world in bleak monotones, but held the palette steady as you tried to paint it beautiful for them. Stabilized your hands when your artistic subroutines took a detour.

It wasn't a bad thing to ask for help when repairing instruction paths…self-modifying codes always had a way of making things difficult. They couldn't be fixed with a simple reboot. They had to be thoroughly diagnosed and carefully realigned. In the worst situations, the drive that held them had to be wiped clean to prevent further damage and make way for a fresh install. A backup and restore to default settings; a system recovery.

The human mind wasn't so different from an android's, after all…

And damn, did the road to recovery hurt.


A/N: Sorry it took so long! Writer's block sucks! D:

Guest Review Responses:

Kaycie: Thank you! :) Yis, FEELINGS!

MysticalSquirrel: That's totally fine. :) And yes, betrayal and the cluster that comes after hurts more deep than words can describe. I feel like most of us have been there, and with a character as complex as Elijah Kamski, I had a lot of fun picking all that apart and putting it back together in an angsty mess. I'm also glad you liked the rA9 twist, as the player in the game is slated to fill the roll. I really wanted to put that in here somehow, and it took FOREVER to hammer out all the details. Thanks again for all the insightful feedback, it makes me SO happy! Especially the bit about The Raven being included! :D and haha, yis - hugs all around! *hugs for you* I will (hopefully, in your opinion) continue to write "the awesome," indeed!