An Unusual Crib
Summary: Skulduggery's ribcage has many uses. This is, apparently, one of them.
Notes: Really wanted to write something really hilarious about Skulduggery carrying baby!Stephanie in his ribcage, but this is what spawned from my fingers. My mind is still processing the fact.
When Gordon said he wanted him to meet someone he held in high regard, someone that would match his wit and charisma and humor so much Skulduggery would surely want to make them his best friend, replacing Gordon in the process, Skulduggery was intrigued.
What he didn't expect was the baby.
And it was The baby, not A baby. Because this was Gordon's niece, Stephanie, the one he had spent the past three months talking non-stop about.
Skulduggery did the only thing he could; he stared. Figuratively speaking, of course.
"That's a baby." he stated.
"Skulduggery, meet Stephanie. Steph, that's our friend, Skulduggery. Say hello!"
"She is three months old, Gordon, I don't think she can talk just yet."
The baby, Stephanie, gurgled, almost sounding insulted, Skulduggery mused.
If he could, he would have blinked.
'Well, stranger things have happened.' he thought, "Why did you need me to meet your niece?"
"Because I am a proud uncle and you're my dear friend and I wanted to introduce you two, two of my dearest people on this planet."
"Gordon."
"Honest. There is no ulterior motive here. No missing deadlines, or out of the blue signings."
Skulduggery stared.
Gordon deflated a little.
"Ok, I may be running a little low on the 'ways to amuse and keep a baby happy' front, but really, that's just it."
"All it needs is food and sleep, Gordon."
"You haven't met Stephanie yet and it shows. She has inherited her mother's attentiveness and my curiosity."
"Not her father's?"
"She has his eyes, hair and big, big heart. Desmond is my favorite brother, but he has the attention span of a goldfish sometimes."
"And where is the problem with your niece right now?"
"It's past her bedtime. I've read her stories, I've sung her lullabies, I've been up and down the whole mansion rocking her, and she is still very much awake."
Skulduggery sighed.
"Very well. Give her to me." he said, as he started unbuttoning his shirt.
"What are you doing?"
"What do I look like I'm doing?"
"Stripping in front of a baby." Gordon said, covering Stephanie's eyes.
"There's nothing underneath here to traumatize her, don't worry."
"Maybe that would traumatize her. I don't want to scare her to sleep. Melissa and Desmond won't trust me with her again."
"Nonsense. This is going to be one of her best memories." Skulduggery replied, "Now, let me try something no one could ever have done, but me."
Gordon, against his better judgment, handed Stephanie to Skulduggery and watched in amused confusion his friend literally secure his favorite niece in his ribcage.
"I hope you're not going to abduct her now that she stole your heart." he teased.
"There wasn't a heart in there to be sto-" Skulduggery started, only to stop and watch a pair of tiny hands wrap around one of his ribs, around the location his heart used to beat. He shook his head.
"What was the whole point of turning your ribcage into a crib of sorts?"
"It'll put her to sleep. I'll just walk her around the house and sing her a song."
"And it'll work for you because...?"
Skulduggery looked up at Gordon.
"How many self-walking and self-singing cribs do you know?"
Gordon didn't reply, merely watched as Skulduggery proceeded with doing exactly that; walking and singing softly to a surprisingly very still and quiet Stephanie.
He didn't actually listen to Skulduggery singing the lullabies, only the soft tones reached Gordon.
No more than half an hour later, Stephanie was carefully being tucked in her bed as Gordon watched amazed.
"Well, I'll be. If I need to put her to bed again, I'll call you, because I am fairly certain she is not going to ever fall asleep again unless she is tucked under your ribs first."
"Maybe not, if you want your brother to let you babysit again." Skulduggery hummed, "I hardly think 'a talking skeleton is singing lullabies to your daughter, while carrying her in his ribcage' would inspire anyone to keep leaving their child to someone else's care."
"Thank you so much for this happy and encouraging advice, Skulduggery." Gordon said dryly.
"Most welcome, my friend. Now, seeing as my job here is done, I'll have to go. There's bound to be a criminal out and about waiting for me to catch them." he said, opening the bedroom's window.
"Wha-"
"I'll be seeing you, Gordon." the skeleton said, and promptly jumped out of the window.
