I would never get used to seeing Edward.
I opened the door and felt the rush of a too-cool spring air come around me. Edward was framed for just a second, against the backdrop of gray skies and spruce trees that made the world around him just a little too green. As always, my eyes found their way to his face, chiseled, with high cheekbones, yet gentle at the same time. His eyes were like melted honey - a deep amber color that hinted at his less-than-human ways. My eyes took him in - his perfectly disheveled bronze hair against his alabaster pale skin, his simple light blue shirt under his raincoat, his dark jeans and boots. He was tall, lean but muscular, and he carried himself with a sense of ease and confidence that could only come with a hundred years of playing a human teen. His full lips twisted into a smile before me, sending a fresh wave of butterflies through me. He sensed this and his smile grew even wider.
"Hello," he said simply, smirking at me. I felt him take a step forward and his arms wrapped around me in a gentle hug. His form was hard and cold, like marble, but molded around me in the most satisfying way.
His touches were always so light, so calculated. He was a thousand times stronger than a normal human man, and constantly reminded me that any miscalculation from him would result in my imminent death.
I liked to push this limit. I crushed myself into him harder.
"Hi," I said. I felt like an idiot, dazzled continuously by his presence.
"Can I come in?" He said, noticing that I had blocked him from coming into the house.
"In a minute," I said into his shirt. He chuckled, and I felt it through my entire body.
"Take your time," he said, his voice like honey. He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of my forehead and his fingers, pleasantly cool, combed their way through my hair. I savored his closeness, knowing that it would be over all too soon. His eyes wandered down to the large pile of envelopes in the basket.
"That's an exciting amount of acceptance letters," he said, his eyes bright. Edward was a big fan of the college plan. "Can we open them together?"
"Sure," I said. Reluctantly, I let go of him. He gracefully picked up the entire basket, which was mostly full, and wandered through the living room.
"Hi, Chief Swan," he said, polite as always. He was keenly aware how Charlie felt about him. Another one of Edward's abilities was that he could read minds. There was only one exception to this, and that was me. I was eternally grateful that he couldn't know the inner workings of my mind, because sometimes it strayed to things I didn't feel comfortable talking about or doing —just yet.
Charlie responded with a brief grunt and pressed a button on the remote to change the channel. Edward kept smiling and grabbed my hand, his coolness contrasting so wonderfully against my skin.
"I'll keep trying," he whispered to me as we walked into the kitchen together. He placed the basket of overflowing acceptance letters and college marketing pamphlets on the counter, and stood on one side of the breakfast bar. "I understand why he hasn't forgiven me, though."
"Are you ever going to forgive yourself?" I asked pointedly as I took a seat opposite him on one of the raised bar seats. "I have forgiven you."
"It will take me an eternity to make amends for the pain I caused you," he said, his voice solemn. I wasn't surprised —Edward could make an art out of self-loathing.
"I wish you wouldn't talk like that," I said. It made me sad to think about how much pain he held on to, both his own and mine.
"You've changed your mind?" he asked, not clarifying any more. We both understood that he meant about me changing into a vampire, and our conversation couldn't mention that, not while Charlie was in the other room.
"No," I said firmly. "I meant that you don't need to blame yourself for how I experienced your… absence."
I vividly recalled the emptiness of my life without Edward. After the accident that nearly ended my life at my eighteenth birthday party, when his brother Jasper had attacked me due to a paper cut, Edward and his entire family had moved away. Rapidly. A clean break, he'd mentioned. I was a danger magnet, and Edward saw himself as the biggest part of that danger: a small drop of blood could have ended my life. His family was absent the next day, and Edward had lingered to break up with me, with the hope that I would move on, and live a happy, normal, vampire-free life without him.
That is not what happened at all.
His departure felt like a shotgun blasting a hole through my soul. The weeks after his departure made me feel nothing, closer to death than even my grimest accidents had ever brought me. The depression that sank over me during that time was a never ending darkness, and the only relief I found was in my self-inflicted delusions. I'd taken to putting myself in harm —exactly as he had told me not to do— because my brain conjured images of him. These hallucinations of Edward were my life sustenance during his absence.
During one of these…episodes… I had decided to try cliff diving. Jacob had talked to me about it. I had made the decision to do it alone, and through Alice's visions, Edward had seen me jump.
But he did not see me live. And that was what prompted him to fly to Italy —to end his own life. He couldn't imagine a world where I didn't exist, he told me.
So, it's safe to say our "break up" was…dramatic.
"My absence has caused irreparable damage," he said. His mood was becoming darker by the moment.
"I wish I could take that pain away," I said, reaching up to touch his face. My ordinary human hand looked so boring next to a face that only Adonis, the god of beauty, could create.
He leaned into my hand, and a serious look crossed his eye, merging with the pain that was already so evident. "Proof of my point. This is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to comfort me… of all people." Self-loathing colored his every word.
I bit my lip, wondering if there was any way to progress out of our impasse. I preferred to move away from this very dark period of our life. "I have letters to open. Do you want to see all the places I'm not going to college?" I smiled slightly.
A crooked smile played across his features, although the pain and frustration was still evident in his crystal eyes. "Let's see… large envelopes from University of Alaska Southeast, University of Washington, and… Dartmouth!"
Dartmouth was his idea.
"I am sure that's only because you offered to buy them a new library if they admitted me." Edward almost certainly had bribed them to accept me. After our trip to Italy, my grades were nowhere near the level required for Ivy League since I had missed several of our exams.
"Swan Hall," he murmured, and I was glad he was playing along. "I like it. I'll definitely keep that in mind for the future."
I rolled my eyes, wondering how much he was kidding. Edward had more money than I even knew was possible.
"Alaska sounds nice," I said, changing the topic once again. Edward buying me gifts, or my college tuition, made me extremely uncomfortable. "Did you get your acceptance?"
"I did," he said, moving to open the large yellow envelope from University of Alaska Southeast. "Although, I wonder if it would provide the college experience I had in mind with you."
"What do you mean by that?" I asked with mild curiosity.
"It's a small school, very remote. While that might be good for some things, I always imagined getting to experience a little more culture with you." His emphasis hinted that remoteness was ideal for vampires.
"I still have no idea what you are talking about. Remember I've never been to college." Edward held two medical degrees.
He laughed. "Let me try again and paint a better picture for you. Are you open to hearing it?" He lifted an eyebrow with a hint of skepticism, understanding that I was not entirely sold on college at all.
I thought of Charlie's comments earlier, though. "Sure, let's hear it. What do you imagine our life will be like in college?"
He cleared his voice a little and leaned over the counter to smile at me. I could tell his mind was searching for the best possible way to persuade me, and it was fun to watch. I decided to play along, and glared at him playfully in anticipation. "Let's say we go to Dartmouth…" he started.
I opened my mouth to immediately object.
"No, let me continue, please. This is fun for me."
I stared at him.
"We're in New Hampshire. You are… studying English Lit, and I'm studying… philosophy, because that's useful. You have a quirky but brilliant professor who picks up your obsession with Wuthering Heights and challenges you to read more…modern books. Maybe you pick up The English Patient and I catch you staying up all night reading these books that open your mind to times I've lived through."
"I can read books as a vampire, Edward," I huffed.
"Shh, Charlie is right around the corner," he said with a slightly mocking tone. "And I imagine us, staying up late and talking about your thoughts on these stories and I can share what it was like to live through these times, to share what I remember hearing in the news. I'd tell you about what I'm reading about in philosophy and I'd pick your brain on The Trolley Problem and we'd have an argument about morality because that's inevitable…" He trailed off, a distant look on his face.
"I still have no idea what you are talking about," I said. "Trolley problem?"
"Yes, it's a common moral thought experiment. You see an oncoming disaster of a trolley going out of control on a track, and it's about to kill five people who are tied to the track. You have to make a decision: you can do nothing, and these five people will die, or you can use a large weight to stop the trolley, but the only weight available is a very heavy man and you'd have to push him in the way. What's the right thing to do?"
I stared at him.
"We are never having a conversation like that," I said finally when looked expectantly at me for an answer.
"Too bad, I'd enjoy that. Can I get back to my vision?"
"If you insist," I teased.
"We'd have school but we'd also meet some really interesting people who come from all walks of life. We'd get to know people who grew up in New York and who are studying art, and we'd meet future scientists who are searching for the cure to diseases. We'd go to parties —"
"I don't think you know me very well," I joked as I interrupted him. "Parties? Those always go so well for me."
He stared at me this time.
"We would go to parties," he continued, and he leaned in closer to me across the counter. "And I'd get to see you have your first cocktail. I'm curious about what that might taste like."
I blushed a little, thinking about that too. "I don't really think I'd enjoy that."
"It's a human experience that would go away," he said, still leaning in close. His voice dropped to just a whisper. "And something else I'd enjoy? Getting to explore more of you in real privacy and not at our parents' houses."
"We could do that in Alaska," I said, my blush now in full force as I leaned in to him across the table. It was so rare for him to ever talk like this, and I couldn't recall a time that he'd been this bold. He really was trying to sell me on this college idea.
He laughed and I watched him absorb my blush with his wandering eyes. "You've got me there." His cool fingers touched the heat of my cheeks and moved slowly along my jaw and down my throat. He touched until he got to the edges of my sweater, before curling the neckline up infinitesimally and placing his fingers on my collar bone. I shuddered, and he pulled back immediately.
"I love it when you touch me," I said, the words pouring out of my mouth with more boldness than I expected. I knew he had pulled away because he thought I was cold. That was not the reason for my shudder.
His eyes darkened and I felt something twist in my stomach. "So, did I sell you on it?"
"No," I said bluntly. "While I enjoy thinking about some of those things, I think my plan is best."
He paused for a moment, considering my words. I immediately prepared for a challenge and a lecture on the wrongness of my transformation, but his words surprised me. "Of the things I mentioned, what do you enjoy thinking about, Bella?"
I sucked in a shuddering breath as I felt heat flare through my entire body. I felt like liquid, and I was glad I was sitting down. I looked down at the counter, not able to handle the intensity of his stare.
"You know, things," I said. I sounded incredibly stupid to even myself. My blush deepened with my embarrassment of even broaching this conversation.
"Eloquent," he teased. "I'd like to learn more, really."
"Maybe you should go to college, I heard they teach you things."
"Not those kinds of things," he chuckled. "What do you object to most about my idea?"
"Time," I said simply, somehow feeling grateful that he was changing the topic as a gentleman should, and hating myself because I wanted all too much to see where that conversation led. "I do not want to age any more, and it is dangerous for me to do so."
"I will protect you," he said and it sounded more like a vow than anything else. "Do you have doubts about that?"
"No," I answered honestly. Edward would never hurt me, or let anyone else hurt me and I knew that. "But accidents happen, as we have learned before. What happens when we're at some party and I'm tipsy and I don't know… bang my head into a wall and bleed all over the place?"
He surprised me by laughing. "I don't think it works like that."
"I've seen the movies, I know how stupid people are when they drink."
"I'm not going to encourage you to get like that," he laughed.
His laugh always warmed me, and I took a moment to really look at him across the counter, where his fingers were now playing with the edges of the basket. He was so good at playing human that sometimes I forgot that he wasn't, and that was dangerous. "We're not just a normal teenage couple sitting having a conversation about our future."
"Aren't we, though?" His tone was serious. "We could be, if you'd stop insisting on such a dramatic end to your life."
The end of my life. That was how Edward viewed my transformation. "I see things differently. I see it as starting my life."
Edward was quiet as he stared down, the slight waves of his hair falling slightly over his forehead as he combed through the mail, clearly trying to look distracted. He was intentionally being quiet and it unnerved me.
"I do have reservations, you know," I confessed.
His eyes flashed to mine in a second. "Tell me," he pleaded.
I was going to regret this, I already knew it. But something about his eyes made me keep talking. "I… see how much you want this life for us. I also see it in Charlie - he is so excited about me going to school. I can also connect the dots that for the people who love me most to want something I don't want for myself is probably a red flag."
His eyebrows raised in surprise, but he kept quiet. I kept going.
"And, I'm conflicted about how much will be over when I'm changed. Charlie and Renee. Jacob, even." Jacob. Just the name sent a shiver of pain down my back. "It is irreversible."
"It is," he said simply, playing with the edges of an envelope still. "The opportunities for your life are endless, and I want that for you."
"But I want you," I said. "I have seen what it is like to not have you in my life. I cannot imagine another day of that."
He stopped playing with the mail and took my hands in his. The coolness of his palms soothed me. "You have me. Entirely and forever."
"Those words mean different things to us, though."
"Bella, I've agreed to change you," he said.
"After I marry you," I said, my voice breaking a little.
"You have reservations about this, of all things," he said, his voice having an edge to it that covered a deeper pain.
Suddenly a new voice entered the kitchen and Edward dropped my hands quickly.
"Alright kids, that's enough for tonight," Charlie said, entering the kitchen and flipping on the overhead lights. I looked up and noticed it had gotten completely dark outside, and the only illumination in the kitchen came from the faint under-the-cabinet lighting that should have been replaced decades ago.
"Understood, Chief Swan," Edward said, standing up.
"Please just call me Charlie. Otherwise it feels like I'm about to arrest you," Charlie said, a little bit of amusement in his voice.
Edward repressed a smile as he looked at me intensely. I understood at once that this conversation was not over, and that it would continue when he snuck into my bedroom later that evening. This was our nightly routine.
"Goodnight, Bella. Charlie," Edward said, tipping his head a little bit as he walked out of the kitchen and towards the front door. I chased after him, abandoning Charlie in the kitchen.
"You know my reservations are not about you," I whispered with an edge to my voice. "You have to know that."
"Bella, now is not the time for this," he said simply, opening the front door and turning to leave. I could tell that he was hurt, and I cursed at Charlie's timing.
"I don't care," I said, slipping on a pair of ballet flats as I chased after him. Drizzle hit my face as I emerged from under the porch to chase him, his figure moving quickly towards his Volvo parked in the driveway. "I can't let you leave this house thinking that I don't want to marry you."
He whipped around. "I think it is abundantly clear that you don't want to marry me." Hurt dripped from every word.
"But…" I stammered. It was impossible to explain. "It's not you. I want to give you everything. I just… can't imagine marriage."
He sighed as he opened the door to his car. He turned to face me and his eyes were bright. "I want to hear everything. I want to hear what you think about marriage and what you think about college and becoming a vampire. I especially want to revisit those things you mentioned you were interested in but too wonderfully shy to talk to me about," he said. My stomach dropped. "But, if I don't leave, Charlie might attempt to shoot me."
He glanced towards the house, and I noticed that Charlie was watching us.
"Okay," I said, simply. "Leave. We'll talk later."
He leaned in to kiss me. It was soft and gentle and contrasted so much to our argument. It was a display for my father, who was of course watching this. "We will talk later," he said, moving towards the car. "About everything. Especially those… things." He laughed as he closed the door and I backed away, feeling angry and turned on at the same time. He was impossible.
He smirked at me as he backed out of the driveway, and I ran back to the house to escape the rain.
"You okay?" Charlie asked.
"Sure," I said, popping the shoes off my feet.
"Do I wanna know?"
"No," I said.
"Okay then, I'm staying out of it." Charlie walked back towards the living room, probably to resume whatever sports game he was watching. "Don't do anything dumb."
His words cut, because it was clear that there was no obvious solution to any of the options before me.
