The shower around me did little to ease up on my nerves. I was a mess.

The water rushed over me, border line on just a little too hot. Multiple images in my mind collided with one another, creating contradictions. Me in a wedding dress and Edward in a suit and the feeling that shot through me as he talked about things. I thought of his weirdly specific details of our college level conversations and the gripping sense of unease and the unpredictability and unknowability of a vampire life before me. Any time someone mentioned Jacob.

The water could not hit a place deep enough within me to wash away the anxieties.

I dried off with an old threadbare purple towel where the edging had started to come unraveled. It absorbed the moisture from the dark ringlets of my hair. I caught my expression in the small, round, thickly-painted bathroom mirror and the expression that returned me was one of calm uncertainty. To someone like Charlie, I'd look totally normal. Bored, maybe. But to someone paying attention, maybe I looked a little restless.

My wide brown eyes had just the faintest expression of a deer in the headlights, which was pretty much exactly how I felt.

I tiptoed to my room, knowing that it would be soon that Edward would arrive, climbing through my window like he did every night. I thought about what if he did show up early, and caught me here, wearing nothing but my thread-bare towel? The warmth returned to me, and I felt a sense of uncomfortableness as I quickly pulled on a pajama set.

" 'Night, dad," I called from the top of the steps. Charlie was still watching TV and I did this every night as a way of showing him I was indeed going to sleep and there was no need to check on me. "See 'ya in the morning."

" 'Night, Bells. Sleep tight," Charlie called up the stairs, and I smiled to myself. Don't let the bed bugs bite. In so many ways, Charlie viewed me as a child.

I walked into my room and closed the door audibly behind me, the final signal in my routine that everything was fine and there was no need to check on me.

The reason any self-respecting father would check on me was now lounging before me, taking up an enormous amount of my purple comforter on my small, unmade bed.

"I'd really like to finish our conversation," Edward whispered. My heart raced, startled by not only his arrival but at the contrast of his perfect beauty against a messy, human room. I'd only been out in the hall for a couple seconds, and his speed always surprised me. I also recalled that my towel-scenario fantasy had actually been very close to becoming a reality.

"Blushing already?" He smirked at me as I approached the bed.

"I always blush when I'm around you." There was no way I was going to share what I was thinking about with him.

"That's true, and it's lovely." His fingers caressed the underside of my chin and I felt my insides melt as his topaz eyes pierced me.

I sat down on the bed just to steady myself. I was always such a mess around him.

"So…" he trailed off, lying back on the bed and his eyes staring up at the patterned plaster on the ceiling.

"So…" I mirrored him, lying next to him on a bed too small for two people. The contrast of our sides — warm and cold, like ice — thrilled me every evening.

His arm snaked its way under my neck, and I felt his forearm on my shoulder as his cool fingers caressed my collarbone once again. I took in the smell of him —the smell of honey, sunshine, and lilac. Calm rushed over me, and I knew instantly that he'd get whatever he wanted that evening.

"I believe I requested that I hear your thoughts on many topics," he said simply.

"What do you want to know?" I asked. I recalled our conversation outside and how he left, and I recognized that tonight I would tell him anything. It was time.

"Everything," he murmured, and I could tell his mind wandered to something else when a grieving look crossed his features. "But let's start with college. You said you have reservations."

"I do," I whispered, looking over at him. His gaze met mine and he wound his fingers into my hair.

"Tell me about those."

I sighed. How open should I be with him? I immediately felt that if I expressed any hesitation about ending my human life too soon I would lose.

But my life wasn't a game, and there was no way I could lose when I was with him.

"I… I want that vision you shared. I want to keep life normal —or as normal as it ever could be, for us— and explore more of the world together. I want to try an Old Fashioned and have you kiss me and see what that's like. And I want to talk about the Trolley Problem. Secretly, it sounded kind of interesting."

He chuckled into my hair and it encouraged me to keep going.

"I want to be able to visit Charlie and see Jacob. And…" I took a deep breath. "I want to be older, if we were to get married. I can see that happening where I'm okay with it, but I feel so young. Maybe time isn't so bad." Oh, I knew immediately I was losing this argument. Somehow, it felt cathartic to say it out loud. I understood that I had crossed a threshold in our relationship, one where I could be vulnerable and talk about my conflicts openly. I hoped Edward would see that.

Edward wrapped his arms around me and maneuvered me with the lightest pressure imaginable to face him. Our legs wound together, my bare knee brushed against the denim on his thigh. His hand traced the small of my waist, making gentle sweeps as they explored the thin cotton of my t-shirt. I'd only just realized my eyes were closed, and when I opened them halfway, I saw him gazing at me, an inescapable softness behind them I wish I could sink into. My breathing hitched.

"Talk to me about marriage," he said, his voice impossibly low. He came to rest his hand on the edge of my waist, his thumb continuing circles around my protruding hip bone. His stare was deep, and I understood now was not the time for games.

"Only if you also talk about it," I countered. "You semi-proposed to me and we've never actually talked about this."

"Not true," he said, his voice suddenly amused. "That first night I stayed over —after the meadow— you'd asked about vampire marriages and I told you they are much the same."

I felt a pang of embarrassment. "I wasn't really talking about marriage."

"I know," he said, and he shifted to bring his lips to my neck. I felt their sudden soft, coolness murmur against me. "You were talking about… things."

I swallowed and I could tell he felt it when he chuckled.

"Would you rather talk about that?" he asked, his lips pressed to the underside of my jaw as his hand moved farther up my waist. I felt myself instinctually lean into him.

"No," I said, my voice sounding distant even to myself.

"You are such a bad liar," he said, his fingers now leaving cool traces down the sides of me. His lips found their way to mine and his cool breath was stunning. "But I will let you off the hook this time. Will you tell me your thoughts on marriage?"

The word cleared my senses in a second. It was clear Edward's attempts at dazzling had a limit, at that limit was crossed with any mention of matrimony. The word lingered in my mind.

"I have never considered it," I said, feeling myself open up somehow against my will. His touches made me talk too much. "I didn't think about it at all until you suggested it a few weeks ago. It's hard for me to share an opinion on something I have never thought about."

"I understand," he said, his hands now making small circles on my arm. I shivered. "You've never thought of it at all?"

"No," I said, my thoughts pulling back and into my past. "Charlie and Renee had a terrible marriage, and mom's remarriage was the first sign that maybe it worked out for some people. I just never thought I'd want that." I paused. "Or that anyone would want that, with me."

His hand moved to my chin and he titled my face up. I had nowhere to look but in his piercing amber eyes and I was completely undone. "I want that. I want to marry you."

"I know, but you are so weird," I teased.

"I'm crushed," he said, faking an aggrieved expression. "You think I'm weird for wanting to marry you."

I smiled up at him, but didn't say anything to fill the silence. I had shared all I had.

"It doesn't have to do with…" he took a quick inhale as he made the decision to fill the silence. "Jacob Black?"

"You're doing a great job of setting the tone tonight." My voice dripped with sarcasm.

He did not respond, but instead pulled back a little to read my expression. I knew what he found there was one of puzzlement, at how this beautiful man in front of me could want to marry me, of all people, and how conflicted I felt about the choices before me.

"I am not conflicted about marriage because of Jacob." I said firmly. It was true, and I felt it in every cell of my body. "I miss Jacob. He was a close friend of mine."

"He does not view your relationship that way," Edward said bluntly. I'm sure that in the few moments they had seen each other since Edward's return, he had seen enough of Jacob's mind to get a complete picture of the depths of Jacob's feelings. "I am jealous, you know. You have a special connection together."

"I know," I said, quietly acknowledging the truth of his statement. "You know I choose you, right?"

Edward sighed, and I felt him pull back closer to me. The feeling of his cool body against mine, on my small twin sized bed, felt like home to me. "I hear that, but I see how much you stifle the pain of his absence, and I wonder if you are making the right choice."

"You are always looking for an excuse to leave," I said, saying my thoughts allowed without any inhibition.

"I will stay for as long as you want me," Edward said, kissing my hair once again. "I am hoping that will be for a very long time." An edge of sadness colored his voice, and I knew at once he was thinking about his internal conflict about my transformation.

"I will always want you," I said, and I felt the truth of it throughout me. I wanted to spend eternity with this man, this vampire. I pressed myself even closer to Edward, and felt him pull me into his chest, his arms wrapping around me.

"I love you," he murmured. He didn't give me a chance to respond, as he lifted my chin and I felt his cool lips press into my own. My eyes closed as I felt the sensation of his mouth moving against mine, a tenderness there that genuinely expressed his gratitude. The feather-light softness of his kisses drove me wild, and it was never enough. My heart fluttered and my breath caught.

My hands found their way to his hair, soft like silk against my fingers. His strength meant I could never move him, but I pushed his head closer to mine. I knew, from our past kisses, that this would end all too soon, and he'd pull away. I had to leverage the small amount of time I had.

His kiss lingered, innocently, for a moment as I crushed myself into him. He pulled back, and I could tell from the gentle movements of his lips he wanted this to be an expression of affection, one that resided within the firm boundaries I knew he kept.

I ignored this silent message, and kept my eyes closed expectantly, leaning up to indicate that I didn't want him to stop. He leaned in once again, keeping the same feather light pressure that infuriated me, and I felt him kiss me for just a moment before he pulled away again.

Again I angled my face up at him, my lips parted and my eyes closed. Don't stop, I thought futilely. If only he could read my thoughts.

I felt his lips press into mine once again, but this time the innocence was gone, and he crushed his lips into me that said he felt my need, his hand in my hair as he held my face to his. There was nothing gentle in the way his mouth moved against me, and fire raged through me — he had never kissed me like this. I was faint as I felt him shift on top of me, creating a cage I couldn't escape from even if I wanted to. I did not want to. My heart pulsed wildly in my chest as my hands dared to find their way under the edges of his shirt, my fingers shaking as they explored the marble plane of his back.

One of his hands propped himself up, while the other caressed me. I could see him through my half-open eyes that he was memorizing the curves of my face. The coolness of his fingers lingered on my cheeks, feeling the heat now radiating there, before trailing down to caress my jaw. With the lightest touch imaginable, his hand moved to my throat, his fingers, absorbing the heat of my pulse coursing through my veins. My breathing hitched as his hand skimmed down, stopping just above my breast. His eyes were dark, clear pools of desire.

"I love seeing you like this," he said, sounding as breathless as I felt. "Bella?" he asked.

"What?" I said, as a lock of his hair tickled my forehead.

He shifted, and his lips once again brushed against mine as he spoke. "I want to try… a thing."

I swallowed and dozens of images flashed before my mind. "Okay," I said simply.

He raised his eyebrows. "Should I elaborate on what I want to try?"

I spoke against his lips. "There is nothing that you could suggest that I wouldn't be open to doing right now."

I heard him hiss as he closed the gap between us. Cold as ice, his tongue moved against my lips, and I felt myself part my mouth. He deepened the kiss to a level we had never explored before, and I felt his tongue brush against my teeth and I moaned. I felt my tongue push against his and I felt heat flood my core.

And all too soon, it was over. He pulled back, his eyes closed.

"That was fun," I said, smirking as my heart galloped in my chest. I could tell my face - and all the way down my neck - was a bright, rough red. I'd never felt something so thrilling.

"Yes," Edward said, "It was."

"Oh?"

"What?" His voice sounded surprisingly innocent.

"No…lecture on how you almost killed me?" I smirked up at him.

"I didn't almost kill you," he said incredulously. "I stopped before it got that far." He winked at me and I felt my stomach fall out of my body.

"Want to try it again?"

He stared at me, and for a moment I could tell he was considering it, but he said no. "It's a school night. I'm keeping you awake."

"I'm not going to college," I chuckled. Edward shook his head as he pulled a throw over and around me. "I do not care about school right now. I only have a month left."

"It's still not good for you to not sleep," he said. "At least, not right now."

"Are you hinting at one day me becoming a vampire?"

He surprised me by laughing. "I suppose I was."

I curled into him and gazed out my small window. It was pitch black outside, the shadows of the old oak tree out front making shapes on my walls in the moonlight. It reflected just a little off of Edward's skin, giving him a touch of an ethereal glow. The comfort of his form, knowing he was here and he'd be here in the morning, brought a great deal of peace over me.

"Edward?" I asked, my voice sounding tired.

"Yes?" He said, glancing down at me.

I closed my eyes and smirked. "I want to know what other things you've considered."