"Bella!" Mike Newton called after me on my way to Calculus. I paused just outside the door by the row of dingy, graying lockers.
"Hey Mike," I said, wondering where this conversation was going. Mike always had a crush on me, and was never very happy that I was with Edward. I sensed that maybe Mike had decided to corner me here, the one gap in the day when I was not with my boyfriend. Suspicion washed over me. "What's up?"
"I'm having a graduation party in a couple weeks, and I wanted to see if you'd like to come?" He paused. "There will be a lot of friends and family there."
"Hey Mike, I can't —I've been grounded for a while."
"Oh," he looked down at his pristine sneakers. "Maybe you could get an exception then? I mean, it will be a very tame thing and maybe if you've been stuck inside it would be nice."
He was being kind, but I wasn't lying to Edward when I said I wasn't really a party person. "Charlie's pretty strict about it. I haven't been allowed to do anything."
Not yet. I was eager to spend time with Angela this upcoming Friday, and I had plans to talk to Edward today about visiting his family.
"Oh okay," Mike said, and his eyes darted. I could tell he wanted to exit the conversation.
"I've gotta go —the bell is about to ring. Thanks for asking me," I said politely. Mike nodded and walked off down the hallway, as I entered the classroom to my least favorite subject, Calculus.
Dartmouth.
Somehow the word lingered in my mind as I took my seat at my worn wooden desk. Mr. Varner was already at the front, projector ready to review a study guide for our upcoming finals. I really didn't enjoy math, and was only getting by at Calculus because of Edward's tutoring.
How would I manage in college?
I realized, of course, that Edward would know almost everything about each subject I'd be taking, even if he had an entirely different major. Still, I sensed that it would be significantly harder. School has always come easy to me, like a second nature. I felt a little pang of fear that maybe that would not be the case in college.
Why was I even thinking about this? I stopped myself mid-thought when I realized that the solution was obvious: I really did want to become a vampire, as quickly as possible, and that meant no college, at least for the foreseeable future.
Still, I had a funny pit in my stomach thinking about it. So many things would be over for me, just like how Edward always said.
Would I chicken out?
No. I tried to convince myself. I just need a little more time to find a resolution to a few things in my life.
I quickly brushed off my inner anxieties as Mr. Varner closed the classroom door as the last of the seniors filed in, and he began his lecture on derivatives and how to solve them for our final.
"How was Calculus?" Edward said, meeting me in the hall after class. He leaned with natural ease against a row of lockers.
"Riveting," I joked. Edward smirked. "How was Spanish?"
"Fine, I didn't really pay attention." Edward said. Edward was fluent in Spanish, as well as several other languages I had yet to discover.
"Such a model student," I teased. "No wonder I don't want to go to college."
He brushed the hair back from my shoulder as his intense, topaz eyes gazed at me, amusement behind them. "It would be different, I promise. I've always enjoyed my college years."
"You've never sounded so old."
"Clearly we've never had a conversation around my time during World War Two."
I stared at him.
"Are you ready for lunch?" I asked, changing the subject to something less weird.
"Absolutely," he said. Edward never ate anything, so this was his little inside joke.
As we walked through the hall, other students were nearby but I barely registered them. Walking alongside Edward was like moving in a dreamlike state: I could sense his every movement, my body attuned to his every action. It had not gone away with time, and I even felt my own gait and walk changing to somehow match his.
Of course, I could never be as graceful as him. I could barely walk across a flat surface, but I could tell that somehow, our movements were more in sync the more time we spent together. It gave me a deep sense of rightness.
"Charlie said we could start making some tentative plans," I said, happy to be surfacing this topic with him. "I'm going over to Angela's on Friday, and I think —if we're strategic in how we talk about it with Charlie— we might be able to spend time at your house this weekend. What do you think?"
I'd expected him to be excited, but when I glanced at his expression, I was surprised to see he looked anxious.
"What?" I asked, when he said nothing.
"It's great you are seeing Angela —and I am very excited to have you back over to my house— I'm just concerned about Victoria." His eyes darkened perceptively as he refocused on our conversation. I could tell there was an inner rage he kept well hidden.
Victoria was the other complication in my life.
Edward had killed her mate, and she was now driven to take his. Me. And there had been several, sloppy attempts at this since last year, when I had my "accident" in Phoenix. A vampire prowled nearby, desperately looking for me.
Somehow, this was easy for me to forget. Maybe there were just other things on my mind. It was clear though, from Edward's expression, this impending threat did not escape his attention.
"I'll be okay, it's just for a couple hours."
He glanced sideways at me as we entered the cafeteria. "Do you want me to be nearby? I could watch over you."
I could tell he was being sincere, but I was not a fan of this plan. Mainly because I knew Edward could read minds, and I wanted to have a very open conversation with Angela without knowing that Edward was going to hear every word. "First, I'll be okay. And second, that sounds a little creepy."
He laughed. "It does. I'll be the first to admit that."
"Yeah, you should really stop being so creepy." I teased him.
"You know you like it," he said, suddenly serious. His eyes caught mine and I felt my stomach flip. I had no idea why, but I found his tone and statement to be incredibly exciting. Maybe I did like it.
I would not tell him this.
"I'm glad you are seeing Angela," he repeated as we joined the shortest line for lunch. I didn't really care what I was eating when I was near Edward. "What prompted that?"
"I haven't seen her in a while, and thought a girl's night could be fun."
"You didn't think of Alice? She'll be crushed."
"Crushed about what?" A singsong voice chimed in behind me. Alice, Edward's sister, joined the line beside me, her cold arm draped over my shoulder. I saw Jasper, her partner, standing a few feet back as she greeted us.
She had to stand on her tiptoes to reach. Even though I was not exactly tall at my five feet, four inches, Alice was tiny. Her jet-black, spiky hair tickled my shoulder, and I breathed in her scent: orange and jasmine.
"Bella is making plans behind your back," Edward said, placing a slice of pizza on his tray as a prop. I did the same, although I intended to eat mine.
I playfully slapped him on the shoulder. "Way to throw me under the bus, dear."
His eyebrows raised at the pet name. I don't think I'd ever called him that outloud.
"We'll need to pick a different name," he smirked. "Reminds me too much of hunting."
I nodded in agreement and smiled to myself.
"I'm still here, by the way," said Alice. "And I obviously saw that Bella was making plans. I'm excited that you'll be coming over this weekend!"
Alice, Edward's sister, could see the future. The pair of them made it incredibly difficult to do anything under the radar. I figured this is something I'd have to get used to since I would presumably be living with them forever.
"So Charlie's gonna go for it?" I asked.
"Yes, but…" she trailed off. "You and I are going to have to make plans without Edward."
I heard Edward's melodic laughter. "Great job manipulating her, Alice."
"I'm not manipulating anyone, Edward." Alice huffed, also stocking her tray with food she wasn't going to eat. We paid and exited the line to find our table. "I just know that Charlie likes me a lot more than you, that's all."
It was very true. Charlie loved Alice. Any time she came by —which wasn't too often, since she and Jasper had their own life — Charlie gushed.
We took our seats near Angela, Ben, Tyler, Mike, and Jessica. All human friends, which meant our conversation had to be radically different with them nearby.
"Hey!" Ben said, sitting next to Angela. "We were just talking about maybe going to see The Da Vinci Code next weekend when it comes out – you guys want to come?"
"Thanks for the offer, Ben, but I'm grounded," I said, using that as cover once again. I hoped Angela wouldn't bring up our time scheduled for this Friday.
"Yeah, Bella can't even make it to my graduation party," Mike said, looking sadder than the situation called for.
Edward smirked beside me and placed his cold, heavy arm around my shoulders, and somehow, I knew everything would work out.
The week flew by. All my teachers were obsessing about finals, which were starting next week so the teachers had time to grade them before our graduation in three weeks' time. Edward spent his evenings at my house, like normal, but now we were focused on trying to make me understand what a differential equation was so I could pass Calculus.
Charlie was happy that Edward was helping me study, and his mood was significantly more pleasant around Edward than normal. Perhaps that's why our ask to spend some time on Saturday over at the Cullens's house was accepted, especially when we let him know that Alice was going to be involved.
I figured his biggest fear was that Edward and I would have the house to ourselves, which secretly I thought sounded like a fantastic idea.
Before I knew it, I was driving my beat-up, ancient truck over to Angela's house, passing through the low-hanging fog that clung to the tall pines and ferns around the highway.
"Bella!" Angela exclaimed as she opened the door to her small ranch house just off the road. Her gentle features were arranged in a soft, welcoming expression. "My mom's just come back with a huge spread from South North Gardens. Come in and help yourself."
I followed her inside, took off my shoes, and shuffled in my socks over to her in her kitchen. "Woah, you weren't kidding," I said, noting the dozen white containers on their kitchen counter.
"Yeah, Mom likes to go overboard," she said, picking up a container of lo mein and a pair of chopsticks. "Says it makes good leftovers, you know?"
I nodded in agreement as I picked up a chicken and broccoli container and an egg roll. "So, are you excited to be done with school?" I said, trying to ease my way into small talk. I always found this difficult.
"Yes, but…" Angela said, her voice dropping. "Let's continue this down the hall; my mom doesn't care if we eat in my room. And I want to know all about how things are going with Edward."
Angela was such a good friend and so good at knowing how to make any situation less awkward. "Okay, you lead the way."
Angela led me down the hall and into her small room. Her walls were a dark purple color, and she had a collection of black and white photographs on a bulletin board opposite her bed. She pulled out her desk chair for me, and she sat on the end of her bed, her legs crossed.
"I am excited to be done with school. I'm going to University of Washington in Seattle in the fall, and Ben is joining me. I think that's a good sign, right?" Angela asked.
"Totally a good sign," I said, taking a bite of an egg roll. "What are you planning to major in?"
"Journalism," she said without skipping a beat. "I just love working for the paper at school, you know? I don't know what that will look like from a job perspective, but I can't think about that right now. What about you? What are your plans?"
Where to begin.
"Well, I have no idea," I said. "I'm not sure I even want to go to college."
Angela put down her lo mein. "Bella —"
"I know, I know," I said. "Things are just very complicated right now."
"Talk to me about it," she said, her voice calm and sympathetic. "Is it Edward?"
I sighed. "Not… really?"
"That does sound complicated." She laughed. "What's going on with the two of you?"
I took a deep breath. Even though I had a week to prepare for this, I still wasn't entirely sure how much I planned to reveal to Angela tonight. "Edward really wants to go to college, but I…" How to phrase this? "... I am considering a gap year before going off to school." Turning into a vampire would result in a very, very long gap year.
"Why's that, Bella?" Angela asked, placing her chopsticks back in her container.
I searched for the right words. "I think there's a lot out there to see still and I am not sure I'm ready for college." It wasn't entirely a lie.
"That's true, but there's still time to do all that stuff while you are in school. Maybe Edward is right," Angela said. "Although, secretly a gap year does sound fun."
I smiled and had a piece of broccoli. It was garlicky and crunched as I bit into it. "I also have another complication I want to get your take on."
"Go for it," she said, taking a bite of lo mein.
This was the part I had no idea how to explain.
"Do you remember when Edward left?" I asked. She raised her eyebrows, clearly surprised I was bringing this up. She had seen how it had affected me, how my hair had gotten thinner and how much weight I had lost.
"Of course," she said, her voice quiet.
"I had a hard time then, and I had a close friend who really helped me get through that. But I think he… views me as more than a friend, and I don't know what to do."
"Oh," she whispered. "How… do you feel about this person?"
That was a very important question. I was suddenly grateful that Edward was not nearby, and instead promised that he was going to use the time this evening to go hunting and we'd see each other in the morning, before visiting his house. I hoped that was true.
"I care for him, a lot." It felt good to say it out loud. "He is a wonderful, kind person. But…" I trailed off, thinking about Jacob. My sun.
"You don't feel the same way," she intuited.
"Exactly," I said. "But I don't want to lose him as a friend." I paused, suddenly feeling self conscious saying that outloud, even though internally I'd made a vow I would keep him close to me. "I don't know how to keep him in my life, he isn't even talking to me at all." I thought of our final conversation, weeks ago. I'd called him once, and he had not made any attempt to return it. Charlie had shared that Jake was not doing well, and I felt an overwhelming amount of sadness, and guilt as I opened up to Angela. Did I cause this?
Angela sighed too. "I'm not an expert here, at all."
"That's okay," I said. "Honestly it just feels good to talk about it."
"How does Edward feel about him?"
I huffed. "Edward is not a fan." I thought of their reunion, and wondered what Jacob had been thinking about to make Edward's expression so defensive. "I think he is threatened by him." I chose my words carefully — I understood that Jacob, the werewolf, and Edward, the vampire, were enemies, but also I knew that Edward couldn't easily be harmed. Somehow, I recognized that Edward was threatened though, but by Jacob's feelings, and our connection. I frowned.
"Bella, can I share a personal experience that might help give a little clarity?"
"Of course," I said.
"I had the biggest crush on this guy in middle school. You know, young art students. We thought we were edgy and cool, but honestly, we were probably just totally embarrassing," she said, trailing off. I could tell she was remembering this boy and I wondered what he looked like. "Anyway, we went on a date, if you can call it that in eighth grade, and I convinced myself I loved him. It was over the top, honestly." She paused. "But, he didn't feel the same way. And, I was so sad. I cried when I saw him in the hallway, I think I even called his house desperate for attention. You know what he did?"
I shook my head, feeling sorry for Angela. I wished I could comfort her.
"He ignored me. He completely ignored me, and it hurt." She sighed once more, her voice cracking a little as she spoke. "But, it worked, Bella. It worked. It took a couple months, but I healed. I moved on, best I could, you know? I don't care for him any more, although I remember how I felt and I remember that time in my life. In many ways, he did me a favor. I could move on. And now I have Ben, and everything… feels… right."
My mind, instead of thinking about Jacob, wandered to Edward and how much Angela's experience mirrored his departure from my life. I had not moved on at all.
"Do you think it's always like that, that we always heal up in some way?"
"I think so," she said thoughtfully. "At least I hope so. But maybe some people die of broken hearts?"
That's what it felt for me, when Edward left. I felt like I'd died on the inside and was lost, a shell of a human. I thought about Jacob, his warmth and his humor, and how he looked at me when we were relaxing together. I thought about the motorcycles, and our days spent repairing them. Jacob did care for me, and I knew that.
But I also thought of Edward, and there was not a comparison. He stayed with me every night, holding me. I craved his voice, his smell, his arms. I wanted his laughter and his sadness. I craved other things, too. Other things I knew he wanted to talk about. My stomach sank. It was entirely inappropriate for me to be thinking about this right now.
Angela could tell I was lost in thought. "Maybe, if you know it's Edward, it's best to… let this other one go."
"Do you think that's the only way?" I asked. "How would you have felt if that person had… wanted to stay your friend?"
She sighed. "It would have taken a lot longer to heal, I bet."
I thought carefully about what she said, and I let myself imagine it. I let myself imagine everything. I imagined choosing Jacob over Edward. Staying human. I pictured kissing him, I pictured touching him. I pictured us getting married, and I even imagined that one day, maybe we would have a child.
I was surprised to find that I felt… nothing from this.
But I did think about what it would take to make this version of reality possible. Telling Edward, breaking up with him. The thought was crushing and completely inconceivable. The idea of causing him any pain was unthinkable.
And with that, I had my answer.
"Thank you for sharing that with me," I said, as I pulled Angela into a hug. "This really helped me."
She laughed softly. "Cool, I'm glad that story was helpful to someone."
"So what's going on with you and Ben?" I asked.
"Well," she said, smiling as she repositioned herself on her bed. "I think I'm going to meet his entire family at his graduation party in a couple weeks. I've met his parents before —obviously— but not his grandparents and stuff. So that seems big."
I smiled at her and we continued to analyze everything that Ben had mentioned in the last couple weeks.
It felt so good to talk to someone about Jacob, and for the first time in weeks I felt like I had a sense of clarity about one thing in my life, at least. I enjoyed my time with Angela, but I was eager to get back to my truck and the road. After she showed me some of the classes she wanted to take in college and we talked about her trip to the San Juans coming up over the summer, I said goodbye and rushed to my truck.
As soon as I got into the cab, I took a deep breath, and realized that I could feel the first pang of tears behind my eyes. I sat there for a moment, in Angela's driveway, my hands rubbing the tops of my thighs, creating friction against the denim. Rain pattered on the roof of the car. I did the best I could to center myself, before I shifted the truck into reverse and started on the pathway home.
I knew I couldn't just forget Jacob.
I would try and give him a sense of closure.
But this was, for us, the end.
