Dark, shadowy trees blurred past me as I drove home, tears stinging my eyes. The only illumination in my truck was the faint glow of passing headlights and the orange glare of streetlights. Forks was the same as always, but I was different.
I had made a decision about something in my life, and it was final. I knew this about myself. Even though I had vowed to keep Jacob, to keep him as my friend, I realized that I couldn't force this. I also might be causing more hurt and pain by holding onto him.
I drove in silence. I thought about how I hadn't even seen Jake at all for weeks, and maybe he had already begun to heal. I realized, as a tear slid down my cheek, that I hadn't. I was not healing, but that would change tonight.
The driveway was empty when I parked my car. No Volvo, no cruiser. Charlie was normally home on Friday evenings, so I felt a little surprised to see him missing. I was relieved though —I wanted time alone, to myself this evening. I pushed open the heavy door of my truck and walked through the near constant drizzle to my house.
I dropped my keys in the basket, near where we kept the mail. I slipped off my rain boots and paused for a second, feeling completely, utterly, alone in the silence.
I missed Edward.
I didn't remember the last time I was home, alone, and expected to stay that way for the evening.
The quietness hung around me.
Still reeling from my conversation with Angela and the firmness in my decision that came out of her vulnerability, I made my way to my room.
I didn't do anything when I got there, I just stood there, looking at the mess with no idea how I wanted to spend my evening or how I would give Jake the closure that I felt compelled to give. My room was like my life at this moment —chaotic and out of order.
Anxiety coursed through me, and I decided to clean my room. I almost never did this, but I needed time to think about what I wanted to do or say. I didn't know where I wanted to start, but an unopened CD that Edward had gifted me last week caught my eye. It had a cover of two, black-and-white collage figures on the front, and I noticed for the first time that it looked slightly erotic. My curiosity flared at the distraction, and I ripped off the plastic and tape on the edges and placed it in my outdated CD player. A soothing male voice rang out against heavy electric guitar notes and bass. I loved it.
I felt like I just needed to keep moving, so I started to move around my room, putting books in neat piles and picking up loose papers that were on the floor. I made my bed. I arranged the random collection of objects on my desk and stashed some of them into a drawer that I could barely open, full of things I hardly ever looked at. I picked up empty soda cans and wrappers from granola bars. I felt a pang of embarrassment at the idea that Edward frequently spent time in this room, surrounded by my messes. Maybe he didn't mind.
The silence returned as the CD finished playing and I stopped moving, looking around at a slightly cleaner space.
I wished that I could talk to Jacob.
But, I knew that wasn't possible.
Suddenly I thought of something that had caught my eye when I was cleaning. In my junk drawer, I had spotted an unused stationery set Reneé had sent me home with last year when I'd moved to Forks. Write to me! It's so charming! I could still remember her wide smile that masked an interesting cocktail of emotions as she wished me goodbye.
I would write to Jacob. I'd never done anything like this before, and I didn't know how I would ever get this to him, but that didn't matter to me at the moment. I pulled out the simple, off-white stationery and a ballpoint pen and began to write at my desk.
Dear Jacob,
I miss you.
No, that wouldn't be a good way to start —while true, it would not be the right tone. I crumpled up the note and grabbed a fresh sheet of paper.
Dear Jacob,
I'm writing because I want to apologize to you, and I haven't heard from you in a while. Charlie mentioned you at dinner the other night, and it made me think of our last conversation. It didn't end on the best of terms.
Better. A little colder, which was appropriate for what this note was about to become. It felt odd, being distant to him. But, it was for the best.
Before I apologize, I have to thank you. You held me together when my world was falling apart, and I will never forget that. You are such a wonderful, kind –if not a little hot-headed– person. Trust me when I say I don't think I could have made it out of that darkness without you. I will forever be grateful for that.
Oh, this was so hard. Tears streamed down my face. I held the pen to the paper, a small ink dot forming already on the next paragraph. I knew where this was going before I started to write.
I don't know what the future holds for me, but it includes Edward. I understand you don't agree with my decision, and that's okay. I also recognize that to keep you in my life, in any form, will cause nothing but pain for the both of us.
Tears were free flowing down my face.
Heal, Jacob, and let me go. Know you are such a good person, and in a different reality where the creatures around us didn't exist, things would be different.
But they do exist, and that changes everything.
Be free,
Bella
I read over my letter, brushing back the tears as they fell down my cheeks. Everything I said was true. Everything I felt before was also true —I did desperately want to keep him in my life, as my friend. I tried to hold both contradicting feelings in my mind.
Somehow, my conversation with Angela and putting pen to paper for this letter had made me understand something deeper though, something I hadn't realized before.
Sometimes, letting someone go is the ultimate act of love.
My heart ached for Edward. I felt heat rush through me, coating my nerves as I understood with a depth that hadn't registered to me before that he had done this for me. He had tried to let me go, and it was a disaster.
I feared that maybe this would be the same for Jacob.
No, a small part of my brain responded. It's not the same. I knew this to my core —there was something deeper with Edward and myself, a sense of connection that felt like a constant pull, a string that bound us together that could never be severed. I longed for his presence, even right now in the throes of my own anxieties. We had too much shared history, and our lives were intimately bound in ways that Jacob and I would never have.
Somehow, this comforted me.
I looked at the letter, and wondered what I was going to do with it. Did I even want to give it to Jacob? The process itself was so cathartic, and I wondered if maybe this was enough. But something itched inside me, and I knew that I did want to give this to Jacob.
But how?
I could mail it, obviously, but I was impatient and couldn't handle the idea of it being lost. Charlie sees Billy all the time, and I could give it to him. More anxiety rocked through me —that wouldn't work, because he might read it. I didn't want my father to understand even the top notes of my relationship with Jacob or Edward, and I couldn't imagine his reaction to seeing the word "creature" in this context.
No, that would open questions I didn't have answers for.
Could I give it to Edward? I felt comfortable with him reading this —it almost seemed like it would be a wonderful pacifier to the anxieties I knew he held— but there was the treaty, and technically Edward couldn't deliver it.
I felt myself grab the letter and move towards the door. It was almost like I wasn't really here, not really making any decisions at all. I was downstairs, slipping on my boots and grabbing my car keys before I even began to comprehend what I was doing or where I was going.
Instantly, I knew that I was going to deliver this letter myself, tonight, and I also had the awareness that undoubtedly Alice just saw this and she and Edward were talking at this very second.
I had to be very fast to outrun an overprotective vampire.
And I was. I was still crying, but not as strongly now as I kicked my truck into reverse and started on the course to the reservation. It was not very far until I got to the treaty line, but that didn't matter. I didn't know where Edward was or how long it might take him to get here, but he would not approve of this action and would, I was sure, be quick in his attempt to stop me.
I booked it down the street, pulling out of our small neighborhood and flying past blurs of houses.
I vaguely thought of Charlie. Would he give me a ticket if he caught me?
I stopped only for a second at the one intersection on my path to the reservation. Nobody was out at this hour, and I could have not stopped at all if Charlie hadn't been lingering in the back of my mind.
I sped through the main street, visions of small run-down shops on either side of me. When I got to the turn off for the highway that led to the reservation, I decided to drive like Edward. He would be so mad at me if he saw this, I thought to myself.
No turning back now.
I sped down the highway, my truck shaking around me. I could feel vibrations coming through my hands on the steering wheel.
There was no sign post, no indicator of the treaty line as I sped past it.
Made it.
I knew Edward would be waiting for me when I returned to the other side, but first I needed to deliver my letter.
I approached the Blacks's house slower now, knowing that I was at least safe from Edward's almost certain wrath while I was here. Jacob's house was welcoming and warm, a washed out red paint covering the small wooden frame. A small light was on in the kitchen, and I could see two shadowy figures sitting where their dining room was.
I instantly felt a sense of regret as I drove closer, and also fear that this was stupid, and that maybe I should turn around. I hadn't planned on anybody being awake, or actually talking to anyone.
But delivering the letter seemed important. It felt right, especially knowing that it really was now or never. I was surprised at myself that I had been able to get onto the reservation at all without Edward stopping me.
I approached Billy's house and saw a familiar car in the driveway —Charlie's cruiser. Of course Charlie would have to be here. I froze, unsure of what to do. Part of me still wanted to drive right back to my house.
I drove just past the driveway and near where the mailbox was. I opened it, and placed the letter inside.
Before I had a chance to drive away, I could tell that my presence had been spotted.
"Bella?" My dad's voice broke through the darkness. "I'm… surprised to see you here. Especially since you are supposed to be grounded."
Oh. I'd forgotten about that part.
"You said I could come see Jacob, though," I said, hoping that this would be enough of a cover to get me out of trouble.
"Well," Charlie said, as Billy emerged beside him in his wheelchair. "I didn't exactly mean like this. It's late, and Jake isn't even here."
Relief washed over me.
"What did you put in my mailbox?" Billy asked, a teasing tone in his voice.
"A letter, for Jacob." Oh, how I hoped neither of them would read it.
"I'll take it inside," Billy said, as he opened the mailbox and pulled out the letter I'd just placed inside. No turning back now, I repeated to myself. I wondered if I would regret this. "If you wanted to try and see Jacob, he's with Seth and the crew over by the beach tonight. I think they'd mentioned they wanted to have a bonfire."
"Oh, okay," I mumbled. I didn't know exactly how to process this, the idea that I might actually be able to talk to him. Somehow my desire to get back to my car and drive home was equally as strong as a chance to see Jake, and my other friends, once again. I tried to remove Edward's sullen face from my mind.
"I'd be okay with that," Charlie said. "We're just catching up and I'm on my way home soon. Try to be back by midnight?"
Midnight. That was an hour away. I did a brief mental calculus that I would need to budget in time to talk to Edward, and decided I was going to visit Jake on the beach, even just for a brief moment.
"Okay, Dad," I said. My voice sounded a little panicked, and I realized that Jacob would still be reading my letter, but I would be having a conversation with him before he did so.
I got back into my truck.
"It was good seeing you, Bella," Billy said. "Please come by again. Maybe not in the middle of the night."
I smirked and nodded slightly. I understood that I wouldn't be coming by anytime soon, and that tonight was a goodbye of sorts.
It was only a short drive to the beach access in La Push, where I knew I would find Jacob and the crew. I almost turned around several times, but understood that this was a critical moment. As I drove over the Quillayute River, amid the dense forests that looked even denser in the night, I thought of the line in my letter about how I didn't know what the future held. It was truer now than ever.
I turned into a small access road where I knew I would find parking for First Beach. The lot itself was completely empty except for an old, white car, and the only thing I could see was the faint glow of a fire in the distance, along with the indistinguishable, large figures that sat around it. I knew this was the crowd I was looking for. I killed the engine to my car, and walked over towards the flames, unsure of what to say or how to say it. My boots slipped over rocks that sunk into the sand surrounded by bits of dried seaweed.
"Hey," I mumbled as I approached the group. I spotted the normal crew there: Sam, Seth, Leah, Quil, Embry… and of course Jacob. I felt my heart in my throat.
Jacob dropped a red plastic cup he was holding.
"Bella?" Leah said. "Bella… Swan?"
"The one and only," I said. Oh, this was going to be soul-crushingly awkward. Why was I here?
"You can say that again," said Jacob. I noted that there was bitterness in his tone. Immediately I realized this was a bad idea.
"What brings you out here so late? Everything okay?" said Sam. Sam was the pack's alpha, and his voice rang with power and authority.
"Everything is fine. Charlie is over at Billy's and mentioned you'd be over here. I thought I'd come by and say hi — it's been a while."
Jacob stared at me. "So that bloodsucker knows you're here?"
"Jake, you really know how to get right to the point," I said, smiling a little. "No, Edward doesn't know I'm here." Not entirely true. I'm sure he knew.
"Cool," he said. I was surprised that instead of his normal, happy tone, he sounded frustrated. Mad, even.
"I can leave, if you are in the middle of something," I said, standing awkwardly near the pack. We were illuminated by the glowing embers of the fire and sparks that floated up towards the sky.
"No, stay! We were just about to have some s'mores. Do you want to have one?" Leah said, her warmth radiating from her every word.
"Yeah, Bella! Stay!" Seth Clearwater said with enthusiasm. I noticed that he had grown a foot since I last saw him.
"Sure," I said. Leah made room on a log and I sat down next to her. "Seth, is that the secret to how you've grown so much? S'mores?"
"I wish," he laughed. I always loved Seth; he seemed so kind. "But that's the werewolf thing."
"Yeah," Sam said. "Seth changed while you were out doing your Italy trip."
"You make it sound like I was on a vacation," I said. "I can assure you it was not that."
Jacob laughed. "No, it definitely wasn't."
Everyone looked at him, wondering if he might say something else. But he just went quiet, and looked out at the distant waves, black except for their white crests illuminated by the moonlight.
"I'm graduating soon," I said, desperately searching for some normal thread of conversation.
"Any ideas what you're doing after?" Leah said.
"Not a clue," I admitted honestly.
"I think we have some idea of what you are going to do," Jacob spat. I knew he hated the idea of me becoming a vampire. I didn't really want to get into this now.
"Well then you know more about my life than I do," I said, harsher than I realized.
"Hey, I think I left the ingredients in the car," Leah said. "Want to come with me?" Her eyes looked around the rest of the group. When nobody moved, she raised her eyebrows. "Everyone?"
"Yeah sure!" Seth said, clearly picking up on what his sister was hinting at. A huge smile crossed his face. "We're going to need a lot of marshmallows, guys, and I think everyone but Jacob and Bella should help."
I heard Sam chuckle. "Okay, sure Seth. Everyone, let's walk over to Leah's car." He tapped Jacob on the shoulder as he walked away. The rest of the group followed him.
The only sound was the crackling logs of the fire.
"Are you still with Edward?" Jacob asked bluntly, breaking the quiet spell.
I pursed my lips. "Yes. Do you really need to ask that?"
"You know I do, Bells."
"Don't call me that," I said. It hurt too much to have him call me by a pet name.
"I can call you whatever I want," he said stubbornly. "I haven't seen you in weeks and probably won't for a long time after this evening."
He intuited correctly.
"I wanted to see you."
"No, you didn't," he said. "Otherwise, you would have."
"It's not that simple," I murmured. "I've been grounded."
"Don't give that to me, it won't work. Charlie is over here all the time. He wants you to come see me."
He got me there.
"I've been busy with school." That part was sort of true.
"College, huh? Please. I know your post-graduation plans."
"I can leave, you know," I said angrily. "I didn't come here to be barked at."
Jacob huffed. "Nice pun. I can see you've been spending a lot of time with those bloodsuckers."
I said nothing and just looked at my shoes, trying to take in the warmth from the fire. It was surprisingly cold for May, but maybe that was just the frigid attitude rolling off of Jacob.
"Why did you come out to La Push tonight?" Jacob asked, his tone softer.
I sighed. "I dropped off a letter at your house."
He chuckled. "A letter, huh? So old-fashioned. You should really get a real computer at some point."
I smirked. "Maybe in college."
"We both know you aren't going to college."
"Are you saying I'm not smart enough?" I teased. It felt good to have our banter back.
"Too smart," he laughed. "Way, way too smart."
I realized in the span of a second that I had accomplished exactly what I had come out here for this evening. I had vowed to keep Jacob as a friend, or at least to make him smile again. He had been so angry before, when Edward was there. Seeing him smile, even slightly, gave me a sense of peace.
It was over for us, and we both knew it. But I could tell he would move on, and that was everything.
"Thank you?" I said, smirking.
"Way too smart to be making such dumb decisions." Jacob's solemn tone returned, and I realized that the moment of relief for me was short lived.
But it was enough.
"I just wanted to tell you goodbye," I said, frowning. "I put it in the letter."
"It doesn't have to be goodbye," Jacob said, sadness radiating from him.
I sighed. "It does though. It really does."
Hold it together. Five more minutes.
"Goodbye, then," he said, not looking at me. He was staring off at the water again.
I took one last look at him, taking in his beautiful russet color that contrasted with his black lashes and hair. I didn't know when —or if— I would see him again. I understood that if I became a vampire, it would be unforgivable for him. I would be his sworn enemy, and the Cullen's would have violated a treaty that could mean a major fight. Even if I didn't immediately become a vampire, I realized that going away to college was in my future, as well as marrying Edward.
I swallowed. It was the first time I realized the inevitability of this.
Those things would crush Jacob, and it was time to let go.
I stood up, my legs shaking. "Goodbye, Jacob."
He said nothing. He bit his lip and looked away.
I waited for a moment before I realized he wasn't going to say anything else. I made my way back to my truck, more clumsily than normal as I felt the oncoming tears just beneath the surface. I fought them back. I had to get by the others before I completely lost it.
"Bella!" Seth called out to me as I approached. "We were just coming back with marshmallows! Look at these things!" He held up a plastic bag with the largest marshmallows I'd ever seen.
"I'm not hungry," I said stupidly. "I've got to get going. It was good seeing all of you."
"Come back, Bella," Leah said, touching my shoulder as I got into my car.
I smiled at her and said nothing.
The engine roared to life. The group backed up and started on their return to Jacob as I reversed and started on my pathway home. I barely made it out of the parking lot before tears were falling in full force. It was not the cute kind of crying I'd seen in movies. I rubbed my eyes to try and see the dark road clearer. I made my way through the small, forest highway, biting on a nail a little as tears continued to flow.
I slammed on my brakes as a figure appeared in the road before me. My car stopped in the middle of the road.
I howled even louder at the sound of a gentle tap on my window.
I instinctively took off my seat belt and slid over to the passenger side. Edward opened the door and sat in the driver's seat.
"I am absolutely buying you a cell phone tomorrow," he said, shifting the truck to drive.
