I slid next to Edward as he drove my truck. He placed his arm around me, and I found the coolness of his touch comforting. My body felt hot from crying. He drove towards my house at a slower pace than normal.
"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice quiet.
"I will be," I sobbed. "Are you mad at me?"
He paused, looking at me from the corner of his eyes before he refocused on the road ahead. "No."
"No?" I asked, my voice dripping with skepticism. I understood that as soon as I had crossed the treaty line, he was unable to protect me. He believed that Sam's pack was unstable —young werewolves frequently lost their temper. And, I understood that my future just disappeared on their territory, making me essentially invisible to Alice. It removed all of the protections that I knew Edward desperately relied on to ensure my safety.
"No," he repeated simply. "Will you tell me what happened?"
My breath caught, amazed that he was not seething with anger. "I broke up with Jacob."
A look I'd never seen before crossed his features, but it was gone before I had a chance to place it. "I'm sorry."
"Yes," I said, staring at his hand on the steering wheel as we passed through the dark forests on either side. "I'm sorry, too."
A long pause filled the cab as we drove back into town.
"Are you sure this was for the best?"
I sighed and leaned into him. "It was the only way forward."
He kissed my hair. "I am unworthy of you."
I felt a fresh wave of tears coming, ones that had nothing to do with Jacob. I pulled myself closer to him and my tears stained his t-shirt. He moved his hand down and gently rubbed my shoulder as we pulled into my driveway.
I noticed a light was still on the house. "What time is it?"
"Just past midnight," Edward said.
"Oh," I murmured. "Charlie told me to be back by then."
"It's okay," Edward said. "He's stressed, but we're not back so late he's panicking." He was able to pick up on my father's mood from my truck.
"I'm bringing you inside," he said. "I know we talked about you having a night to yourself tonight. Do you want me to stay?"
"Yes," I said, my voice small. "Please."
A frown crossed his features as we exited the car. "I could kill him for making you feel like this, you know. That's the only thing I'm angry about at the moment."
My hands shook slightly as I opened the door to my house. It was unlocked.
"Bella?" I heard Charlie's voice from the kitchen.
"Hi, Dad, sorry I'm late," I said. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror by the entrance. My eyes were puffy and my face was red. I looked like how I felt —exhausted and distressed.
"Good evening, Chief Swan," Edward said, announcing his presence. Charlie emerged and leaned against a wall. "I saw she was upset and drove her home."
Charlie looked surprised. "Oh. Thank you." My dad looked at me. His expression was overly concerned and I immediately felt the urge to leave and go up to my room. "You okay, Bells? What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it," I said. "I had a tough conversation with Jacob, that's all. I want to go to bed."
"Okay," Charlie said. I could feel both his eyes and Edward's combing over me, assessing if I was okay. I felt self-conscious as I stood in the entrance way. Charlie walked over to a small closet and pulled out a pillow that was stored on the top shelf. Edward and I watched him as he placed it on the couch. "Edward —thanks for picking her up. Would you want to stay over and I'll drive you to get your car in the morning?"
I noticed his voice was softer than usual for Charlie. I also noticed he'd called him Edward. I couldn't bring myself to smile, but realized this was progress for the two of them.
"No thanks, sir," Edward said. Edward couldn't sleep, but somehow I found it amusing to picture him lounging on our worn out sofa. "I appreciate the offer, but I'll text Alice and she'll be here soon to pick me up. I just wanted to make sure Bella got home safe." He took out his phone and quickly typed something, presumably to Alice. I knew she'd already know what was going on, so the action was just for show.
Charlie swallowed. "Okay, then. I'll wait up until she gets here. Bells —you want to go up and get ready for bed?"
"Yeah," I yawned. I was completely exhausted. My time with Angela felt like days ago.
I looked up at Edward and stood on my tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek. When I looked back at him, he had the most loving expression I'd maybe ever seen on his face. I must look like a complete disaster to warrant that.
Charlie was staring at us, clearly waiting for me to go upstairs.
"I'll see you tomorrow. I can still go to Edward's house, right?" I asked, looking at Charlie.
"Yeah, that's fine," he said, as he took a seat on the sofa.
I glanced at Edward with a knowing look, hoping that he understood I wanted him to stay tonight. But I recognized the role I must play, and started up the stairs.
I felt a pang of nerves at the idea that Edward and my father were downstairs, alone, even for just a moment.
But, I wouldn't know what transpired there. I was too tired to invest energy in spying on what I'm sure would have been an interesting conversation. I brushed my teeth and crawled into bed, barely able to keep my eyes open. The last thing I saw before I fell asleep was the movement of headlights and shadows on my walls.
I rolled over a few hours later into the welcoming fragrance of Edward's scent. I pushed myself closer to him, my eyes still closed from sleep.
"Hi," I mumbled.
"Go back to sleep," he said softly, his fingers brushing through my hair.
"Are you mad at me?"
His voice was so quiet it felt like I could still be dreaming. "Not at all. We will talk about it in the morning. For now, rest."
"Hold me," I said, barely awake.
"I am," he said.
"Closer."
"You'll get cold."
"Don't care," I mumbled.
I felt him swallow and shift. I rolled onto my side and he joined me, our contrasting forms contouring together as I felt his chest press against my back. I scooted closer to him, not caring about how cold and solid he felt. He draped his arm around me and I felt him catch his breath.
I fell asleep again as he spooned me, softly humming my lullaby.
He was gone when I woke up in the morning. I figured this might be the case, since we had planned on him arriving to pick me up, and we didn't want to raise any suspicions with Charlie.
I sat up in my bed, trying to process last night's events. A headache washed over me, and I realized I was dehydrated from crying so much. I walked to the bathroom and poured some water, and caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror. My eyes were still a little bloodshot and my face was puffier than normal. I hadn't showered last night either, like I normally did, and I felt like a complete wreck of a human overall.
I'd never had anything to drink, not even a little bit, but I imagined this must be what a hangover would feel like.
I showered leisurely, hoping the water would wash away yesterday's events. I didn't regret driving out to La Push, or delivering the letter to Jacob. It did feel impulsive in retrospect, but I knew it was the right thing to do. It felt impossible at the moment, but I somehow managed.
And I remembered the feeling of Edward holding me as I drifted back to sleep. He'd spent many nights in my bed, and I was used to lying on his chest. He typically moved though, for fear that I'd be uncomfortable or cold, or perhaps because the proximity of me was too uncomfortable for him. We never had as much contact as we did last night, where I could feel every inch of his front pressed into me. I felt butterflies throughout me.
I didn't think of Jacob. I just thought of Edward, and his closeness, and how much more of that I wanted. I knew I had done the right thing by giving closure the best I could to Jacob. Edward had me, body and soul and for what I still hoped would be forever. It was easier to move on than I imagined.
I was still amazed that he wasn't angry with me either. I had been prepared to have an argument with him, to explain that what I was doing was really in his benefit, but he hadn't looked upset. He looked profoundly concerned for my well-being.
His reaction made me feel even more loved than I thought possible.
I quickly dried my hair and got dressed, tossing on a light gray sweater and a pair of jeans. I was excited to see him again, even though it meant explaining more of what happened with Jacob. I felt ready to do that. I understood that the twisted future I allowed myself to imagine at Angela's house, where I chose Jacob over Edward, had been put to rest last night.
Edward should feel nothing but reassurance at the moment, and perhaps that's why he wasn't mad. I figured I would find out soon enough.
My headache was noticeably improving as I quickly ate a bowl of cereal. I noticed that Charlie's cruiser was still parked out front, indicating he was asleep upstairs. I wrote him a quick note and left it on the counter.
Heading out to Edward's soon. Thanks again for letting me out some! Be back this evening.
Love,
B
I saw Edward's Volvo pull up alongside my truck and flew to the door, yanking open the deadbolt as I grabbed my jacket and slipped on a pair of sneakers. Edward was leaning against his car, the passenger door open. He was holding a white cardboard cup with a plastic lid. He looked incredibly…normal. I found it unnerving.
"What's this?" I asked, my eyebrows raised.
He handed me the cup. "I got you a cup of tea on my way here. I thought it might be a nice way to start the morning after such a rough evening."
"That is extremely kind." I took the cup and inhaled the scent of Earl Gray: bergamot and orange.
"Get in the car and you'll find something else on the seat too," he said. I looked inside before sitting, and I noticed a small shopping bag. He walked around to get in the driver's seat, and I took my seat and buckled my seatbelt.
I opened the package to find two things inside.
"You didn't have to do this," I said, as I pulled out a cell phone package branded with the word Razr. "This is honestly not necessary."
"You'll find it's activated and you are now part of Cullens's family plan," he smirked as he ignored me, looking incredibly proud of himself. "I will pay for it, obviously."
"I can pay for my own phone, thank you," I huffed. I reached down and pulled out another package which was surprisingly minimal. I didn't know what it was.
"That," Edward began, "is what we'll be working on today. That's my graduation gift to you."
"This is uncomfortable for me, I hope you know that," I said, looking at the packaging more closely. "What even is this thing?"
"It's an iPod."
"A what?"
"It holds music. I thought I could upload some for you today," he said excitedly, not taking his eyes off the road. I opened the package and popped out the device, which felt cool and heavy in my hand. "Did you like the CD I gave you? I saw you opened it."
"Yeah, it was nice," I said. I really didn't know anything about music. "Speaking of last night, why are you not upset?"
He laughed. "Wow, I can be mad if you would like that. I would prefer to move on from last night, though, if I'm being honest."
"This is so not like you."
"Bella —" he started, looking over at me. "You did something incredibly difficult yesterday. I'm not mad. I was wrecked with terror while I waited for you, but as soon as I saw you crying I couldn't be mad."
"Do you want to know what was discussed?" I asked, surprised by his soft tone.
He sighed. "Of course I do. But I also want to respect your privacy."
I laughed at that. "Since when? You literally spied on me."
His corresponding laugh filled the car. "I am trying to be better, Bella. I can stop that effort if you secretly enjoy it when I spy on you."
"Maybe I do," I said, glancing at him. I wondered if he picked up my terrible attempt at flirting.
He focused on driving for a moment and I glanced out the window at the clear but gray skies. The grayness was so thick I couldn't tell what time of day it was - it could have been morning, afternoon, or twilight. Evergreen trees flew past us as we turned on the small road that lead the way to the Cullens's house. I thought of Edward's comments, about trying to be better. I didn't know how this was possible.
"You don't need to improve for me, you know," I said, breaking the silence.
He exhaled sharply. "That is completely untrue."
"No, I mean it," I said, feeling a sudden sense of confidence. "You are so kind. So unbelievably considerate. Maybe you have anger issues from time to time and have no idea how uncomfortable gifts make me feel, but aside from that you are perfect."
"You really shouldn't say things like that," he said, his voice dropping to almost a whisper. "You are forgetting that literally every moment I'm with you, your life is at risk. That's an issue."
"I have a solution for that."
"Yeah?"
"Change me into a vampire," I smiled at him.
"Okay," he said. I was surprised to see him smiling in return. "Marry me first."
"Okay," I said, before I really understood what I was saying.
His eyes grew wide.
"I… didn't expect you to say that."
"I didn't expect to say that either," I laughed. "But, it's still true. I told Jacob in a letter that I had no idea what that my future held, but I know with complete certainty that it includes you. That includes marrying you."
He looked suddenly flustered. "I didn't expect to be having this conversation in the car."
"I didn't either," I laughed. "Did we just get engaged?"
He was silent. I didn't have first hand experience with how quickly a vampire mind worked, but I could tell he was processing a thousand things at once. "Charlie gave me permission to ask you last night. I had a plan, and it wasn't this."
"What?" I said, my voice echoing around the car in shock. We were approaching his house now, the white facade barely visible at the end of the long, curving road.
"Yes. I had asked a few weeks ago and he said not yet." I recalled the vein throbbing in Charlie's head every time I talked about Edward and suddenly understood. "But that changed, last night. He gave us his blessing."
"I can't believe you talked to Charlie about this."
He laughed. "Is it really that surprising? I am one hundred and four. That was the custom."
"Charlie must have lost it," I said. I couldn't help myself from smiling, thinking about Edward asking my father his permission to marry me. "You and I don't need his permission, by the way."
He parked in the driveway. It felt weird to be arriving in the middle of this conversation and I didn't want to leave the car.
"Do I have your permission?" He asked, his voice melodic and soothing in the most incredible way.
"Yes," I whispered, breathless.
"Good," he said, as he started to get out of the car, beaming. He walked at vampire speed over to the passenger side and opened the door, picking up the small shopping bag with his gifts. I was lost in his crooked smile as I exited. "I want to do this properly but you caught me off guard and I'm not ready."
"I surprised a vampire? How is that possible?" I grinned. "Doesn't Alice see the future? Am I too quick for the both of you?"
"Everything you do is completely unexpected," Edward said. "Drives me crazy."
He walked by my side as we approached his front door. "In a good way, or a bad way?" I asked, still smiling. I think I might have just gotten engaged.
"Both," he sighed. "Definitely both."
He stared at me, an intensity there I didn't recognize. I thought back to our conversation in the car, his eyes widening at my simple acceptance. I understood that Edward had never been with anyone, never found anyone. I found this to be completely unreal given what a beautiful person he was, but I understood that it was true. I understood when he'd initially asked me to marry him this was an important moment for him. He did not take things lightly.
We only had a moment before I was attacked with hugs by the vampires that comprised Edward's family. But at that moment, I drank in his image. The way he was smiling at me, his perfect teeth showing a little more than usual as he stood by his grand piano in the entrance. There was no sign of sadness, no self-loathing. The artfully crafted mess of his hair. The posture that somehow made it look like he could be prepared for a movie set at any second.
I had wanted so little in my life before. I understood that my wants were really my needs, how I really wanted the bare minimum most of the time, a sense of security. I took care of my mother, doing things I never should have been doing at that age. I gave up my life for her. I didn't want to move to Forks. I didn't want to take care of Charlie. I had no idea what my future looked like. I never had the opportunity to conceive of any future that I wanted.
I wanted him.
I saw that intensity in his eyes, a desperation there I was only starting to recognize in myself. We were completely lost in each other.
Marriage.
Immortality.
More.
"That will have to wait." Edward's voice interrupted the dangerous path my mind was going down.
"I thought you couldn't read my mind," I said, a fresh blush creeping around my features.
He approached me, the backs of his fingers caressing my cheeks. He dropped his head and his eyes were almost luminous as he gazed at me. His voice dropped to a whisper. "I can't. But there are other signs I can read."
I didn't have time to process that before I felt a pair of cool, heavy arms around me, attacking me from behind.
"Bella!" Alice chimed. "It looks like I'm interrupting something."
"No!" I said, even though she absolutely was. "I'm excited to be here today. Who's around?"
She took my hand and led me away from Edward and towards the kitchen. It felt odd to be pulled away from him. My mind was still lost in his gaze and how desperately I wanted to know what he was thinking about.
"Everyone, of course. It's been weeks since you've been by." The last time I was here we held a vote, and the family had sided with me on turning me into a vampire.
"I know," I said, thinking about how angry Edward had been when he had been overruled by his family. "Charlie has been pretty strict for the most part. I'm only now starting to have a little freedom."
"I'll do your nails later," Alice said. "We can say we went out to get them done. It will be a good cover story since there won't be time today for us to actually go out."
"What do you mean?"
"Edward's going to want to keep you to himself today." She glanced at Edward. "Are congratulations in order?"
"Not yet," Edward said.
"She will love it," Alice said cryptically.
We entered the kitchen and Edward's whole family was there.
