I stood awkwardly in the kitchen that had never been used, surrounded by seven vampires. It was wonderful seeing all of them again, and my nerves were really just signs of my constant social anxiety.
"It's good to see you again, Bella," Esme said, approaching me. She stopped at a distance. I understood that not all of the Cullens had the same level of comfortability with my proximity as Edward, Alice, and Carlisle.
"I'm happy to be back," I said. "I feel like I should apologize for having Edward at my house so much while I've been grounded."
Carlisle smiled and I almost thought he was forcing himself not to laugh about something. "No need, we're just happy that Edward is so happy." He caught Edward's eye and I saw Edward nod slightly as they had a private conversation through Edward's thoughts. It always was unnerving to witness this.
Edward brushed the sleeve of my sweater. "I'm going to go finish your gift while you catch up with them. I'll be back soon." He gestured to the small bag he was still carrying. I smiled at him in approval and he walked out of the kitchen and up the huge staircase, taking two steps at a time. Vampires.
"How's Charlie?" Carlisle continued. His eyes matched Edward's, a beautiful topaz color. Dr. Cullen was undeniably attractive and apparently caused quite the conversation at our local hospital. "I've been so busy with work I haven't had a chance to stop by the station to see him in a long time."
"He's fine, I guess," I assured him. "He's excited about college. Not entirely sure how that will shape up though."
Rosalie, who was sitting as far from me as the room would allow, laughed darkly. She did not say anything else, and I could sense disdain emanating from her perfect, supermodel self. Rosalie did not approve of my plans to transform into a vampire. I swallowed and attempted to ignore her.
Carlisle looked at her, his eyebrows raised. He turned back to face me. "Edward mentioned that both of you were accepted into Dartmouth. That seems like a great option since Edward has a house there."
I stared at him. This was news to me.
"He has a house in New Hampshire?"
Carlisle's mouth went into a straight line. "Maybe that's something you should talk to him about." I could tell that he didn't know that Edward hadn't revealed this news to me. It explained why he was so interested in this one particular location.
"Anyway," Carlisle said, placing a hand on my shoulder. "I'll be in my office. I'm working on peer reviewing a new surgical study for UW and want to get through it today. Bella, it was great seeing you."
I smiled at him but said nothing. He exited and went up the stairs, but this time at a normal, one-step-at-a-time pace.
"So!" Alice chimed in, sensing the gap in conversation. "I would like to corner you in my room for a moment."
"I haven't even said hello to her yet, Alice," teased Emmett.
"Okay, well you can say it now."
"Hey, Bella," Emmett waved.
"Hey, Emmett." I waved back at him.
"Great! That's done. I'm stealing her now before Edward gets to her." She nearly flew to me, her stone like hands gently grabbing my arm. Before I understood what was happening, I was on the stairs, following her up to her room.
"What are we doing?" I inquired, puzzled at what she wanted.
"We need to have a conversation," she said. Immediately I was concerned about what she had planned.
I raised my eyebrows. "Does Edward know what we are talking about?"
"Edward can read my mind, so yes, mostly." she said. "I try to throw him off by thinking in Japanese some of the time but I think he's starting to pick up on it. I might have to learn Arabic soon."
I stared at her.
"Okay!" she exclaimed, as we entered her room. It really felt like walking into a closet, as she had artfully displayed clothes and gowns throughout her room and on her walls. She pulled me to a small settee in blue velvet. "We need to talk about Edward."
"What is there to talk about?"
"You are getting married," she replied. "Do you really think that would escape my attention?"
"Well, no, I didn't. But I didn't know that I would actually agree to that today." I paused. "And I don't think it's official."
She started to walk gracefully towards her bathroom, which was connected to her room and appeared to be just as large as her main space. She returned a second later with what appeared to be a nail kit. I groaned.
"Don't do that, this is fun for me."
I heard a distant, melodic laugh coming from the room next to hers and realized immediately that Edward could hear our conversation.
"No, Edward will want to do it properly," she confirmed. I felt my stomach drop and immediately wondered what he had planned. "But there's something else I wanted to talk to you about." Her voice dropped to just a barely audible whisper.
"What?" I asked, suddenly concerned.
"Well, when you agreed in the car earlier, I did see that there is a wedding in the future," she said. "But, something was off. I wanted to put that on your radar."
"Off…how?"
She took a nail file to my nails and with the most delicate pressure, finished polishing them in a second.
Her voice dropped even lower. "I don't know. It was odd. Edward hasn't seen it, and I'm going to try not to think about it around him —spoilers, you know— but I thought I should tell you."
"I still don't know what was odd about it. What did you see?"
A puzzled look crossed her features. "Are you into themed weddings?"
I moved my head back as shock coursed through me. "Um, no?"
"Weird."
"Alice, I honestly have no idea what you are talking about."
She crossed her legs on the sofa and I was amazed at how little space she took up. "See, my visions can be a little hazy. It's like a thread sometimes, where one path is stronger than another and they blur together in different moments. But the image quality is generally the same, sort of like how I sketched out the studio for you last year. The future has a very distinctive feel to it."
Her eyes wandered off and she paused.
"I saw your wedding. But it wasn't right. The image looked different."
"Like the picture quality was bad?"
"Yes, sort of." She moved to open a container of light pink, neutral nail polish. It was sort of pretty. "Like normally the future is in high definition, and this was…poorly developed film." She paused, and her gaze indicated she had turned inwards, recalling something I could only ever imagine. "Instead of feeling like the future, it almost felt like a memory."
"What do you think it means?"
She painted my nails in an equally quick motion. "I have no idea. I've never had a vision like it before."
We both stared at my drying nails. She still had a serious look on her face.
"Why did you ask about themed weddings?" I asked her, blowing on my nails. It smelled strongly of acetate.
The concerned look didn't go away as she answered. "I wondered if you had a fantasy that maybe I was picking up on."
"Fantasies about what?" I heard Edward's voice from the doorframe and spun my head to look at him.
"I'm exiting this conversation now," Alice smirked, and she stood up. I joined her, and the three of us walked out into the hallway. Alice smiled at us, a look of intense concentration on her face, before she danced down the stairs to the rest of the family.
"She's so weird." Edward chuckled as he watched her. "Her Japanese is pretty good though, I'll give her credit."
"I'm nervous about spending eternity with her, if I'm honest."
He moved a cool finger under my chin and directed my head to look at him, his eyes piercing and intense. "You are spending eternity with me. There is a difference."
I swallowed but said nothing. His gaze left me speechless and I was surprised at how his comment indiciated a degree of resignation about my transformation into a vampire.
"Come, I want to show you what I was working on." He took my hand and softly led me to his room. I missed this space. It dripped with his personality - his huge wall of CDs and his sound system, the golden carpet and cloth on the walls. And his view —I could see the winding river off in the distance, framed by the Olympic Mountains, still tipped with snow.
"Are you…" I trailed off, not entirely sure how I wanted to finish my thought.
"Proposing?" Butterflies rushed through me as he completed my thought. "No. While our semi-engagement is doing wonders for my ego, I vow to take you by complete surprise and it will be undeniably clear what is happening."
"No surprises," I muttered.
"Bella." He sat down on his leather sofa and gestured for me to sit next to him. "I believe it has to be a surprise."
"Not true; it wouldn't be a surprise if you asked me right now."
"Do you want that?"
I adjusted nervously in my seat. Did I? "No, I guess not. You know what I like though, right?" And what I don't like, which is unnecessary attention.
"I do," he answered.
His comment hung in the air around us.
"How did it sound saying that?" I asked.
He adjusted his posture suddenly, and before I could understand how it happened, he was on top of me. "Fantastic." His voice was low and attractive and I had nowhere to look but his perfect face and his eyes, the color of dark butterscotch.
How this incredible man was meant for me I will never understand.
"Are you going to show me what you were working on?" I muttered.
"In a minute," he said, and suddenly I felt his lips on my neck. "Are you going to share what fantasies you were discussing?"
I swallowed. "I wasn't discussing any fantasies."
"Do you want to?"
Heat flared through me as I felt his lips press into the corner of my jaw.
"Edward," I gasped as he started making small circles on my throat. "Should we talk about this?"
"Talk about what?" he whispered against my skin. His cool breath was destroying my ability to think.
"Things." My body was overrun with the sensation of him, the feeling of his lips on me, the scent of his hair, the pressure of his thighs as they pressed into mine, holding me to the couch.
His eyes darkened. I almost lost it.
"Say it."
"What?" I breathed.
"Say what you want to talk about."
I paused, unsure how or if to proceed. His fingers were now on my throat and I could tell he was taking in my scent, a perfume I knew drove him wild. My heart was racing wildly in my chest and heat pulsed through my entire body. When I felt his icy tongue move slowly from my collarbone to my ear lobe, where he paused for just a moment, I lost all inhibitions.
"I want you to make love to me."
He froze.
He was so still, I thought he had transformed into stone.
Instantly, I felt a different kind of hotness course through me, one of embarrassment. I had never said anything like this outloud, to anyone. To have him pause above me, to hesitate, even for a moment, caused a deeper sense of rejection and shame than I knew was possible.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I shouldn't have said that."
He inhaled, and moved finally as his forehead touched mine. "No, please don't feel self-conscious." He moved his right hand to my waist and I saw his gaze lower, his eyes trailing along my body. "I want that, too."
I didn't wait. I wasn't thinking as I pulled my arms around his neck, molding his body into mine. My lips found their way to his cold neck, a place I'd always wanted to kiss but was always so distracted or faint I couldn't direct my attention there. I snaked my hands through his hair as I felt him move against me, his arms embracing me in a tight hold. Electricity rioted throughout me. I didn't care that he was a predator, wired to kill me.
To die this way would be such a lovely way to go.
"Bella," he gasped as he pulled back gently. "Bella, we need to stop."
"Why?"
"Because it's not safe," he said. I opened my eyes to see his gaze was now black with lust, although mixed with something else. Fear.
"You won't hurt me," I said, knowing it was absolutely true.
"You can't know that," he muttered as he pulled back and adjusted us so we were sitting once again. "I will not take that risk with you, not while you are still human."
I had the sudden urge to run from the room. My stomach felt uneasy. I understood logically that his rejection was because of my safety, but it didn't make it an easier pill to swallow. I remembered all his flirtations and couldn't help but feel led on.
Tears started forming in my eyes.
"Bella," he murmured as his cool thumb brushed away a tear. "Be patient. We'll get married and I will change you, and then we will."
"But it won't be the same as right now," I said, my voice suddenly hot with anger. "I want you more than anything. I love your hands on me, I want them everywhere. You've suggested that. This isn't fair."
I sounded like a child, even to myself.
"Very few things about becoming a vampire are fair," he said darkly.
I barked a laugh. "That's rich. I have one thing I would like before I'm transformed into a vampire and you resurface for the thousandth time how —"
He restrained my hands in one of his hands, and with the other placed a finger over my mouth.
"You..." he said, his voice drifting off as he found his words. "You are willing to give up your entire life for me, knowing how I believe that it will be the destruction of your soul. You accept who I am without any expectation, without grieving all of the wonderful parts of humanity you know I can never provide you. You, who are impossibly kind to not only me, but every single person you've ever interacted with, you who have never asked for anything from me? You think for a moment that I wouldn't even consider something that you obviously are passionate about? Of course, I want to do everything I can to…fulfill that…desire." He gazed down, his breath coming in shallower bursts. I don't know if I'd ever heard him say such a long speech. "I just do not think that I can, and it infuriates me."
He moved his hands and placed them to his own face, sinking down as he pressed into them.
I had never seen him so obviously conflicted.
"Edward," I murmured. "Edward, we can wait. I'm not an idiot. I understand the risks. I just want to try. I want more. Please."
His eyes narrowed. He inhaled, and when he exhaled, it sounded unsteady. "Compromise?"
"Not sure how that will work in this situation, but I'm open to hearing what you've got," I said, my anger almost completely stifled seeing how upset he was.
"I've been around a long time. I've seen… a lot of things in others's minds. I want more, too. I hope that has been obvious." It had. "I cannot commit to… everything." He continued. "But there is a long spectrum, and perhaps we can begin to explore down that path more than we have." He inhaled. "I sound like a creep."
"Not at all," I said, touching his face. I leaned in to whisper in his ear. "I'm the one who wants your hands…and all of you… all over me."
He swallowed and pulled back to look at me. "Do you, really?"
"Hasn't my desire for that been obvious?"
His eyes were dark still, cutting through me in a new way that made me want nothing more than to be closer to him. He surprised me by seizing my face, and pushing me once again back onto the sofa. I felt him on top of me, his wonderful weight encasing me once again.
He didn't stop kissing me as his hands began to explore. His lips had a drugging affect on me and all my thoughts disappeared. His hand caressed my throat, and I moaned into him. Suddenly, I felt his other hand on my thigh and he hooked my leg around him, the two of us barely fitting on his sofa. His icy lips left mine and began to trail downwards, kissing newly exposed skin as he pulled down the collar of my sweater. The fabric felt wildly obtrusive. My hands knotted through his hair and instinctively, I pushed him downwards.
My breath was coming in pants as I felt him work his way down my body, his hands on either side of me. I felt shivers coursing through my body that had nothing to do with his cold, hard form.
"Bella," he rasped. I opened my eyes and saw that he had stopped at the bottom edge of my sweater. Even though I was completely dressed, I felt wildly exposed, seeing him gaze up at me from this position. "I want to kiss you here." For a moment I didn't know where he was suggesting, thinking he really was going to escalate this quickly, but he instead gestured to my stomach.
I nodded, and with a gentle, sweeping motion, he lifted the soft, gray fabric of my sweater to expose my torso. He curled the fabric neatly around my breasts, not exposing this part of me at all.
I felt slightly disappointed.
"Please stop me if this is too cold." His voice was thicker than usual. I felt his hands begin to touch my bare skin, his fingers leaving icy trails on me as they brushed against my bare waist.
His lips pressed into my navel and I felt my back arch into him. His hand moved under me, holding me tighter to him. His lips brushed against my hip bones and his fingers toyed with the edges of my jeans, eliciting wringing sounds from me that made me wonder just how good vampire hearing was.
His lips were worshiping every part of this newly exposed skin and I was lost in his touch.
"Are you sure you don't want to keep going?" I heard myself say.
His lips moved away from me and I felt their loss immediately. "Yes, Bella. This is enough for now."
"Maybe for you," I laughed. "Do you have any idea what you are doing to me?"
I couldn't believe it when I felt his hand brush, with the lightest possible pressure, between my legs.
"I have some idea, yes."
"What am I going to do with you?" I laughed. "This is torture."
He stopped, and moved back up to find my lips. "You know you enjoy it."
Oh, I did.
"I want to show you what I was working on," he said, pulling my sweater back down.
