Thank you to my reviewers (traceybuie, Jillgrab, nolbernabeyahoo, and guests!). I am so grateful for your encouragement.
We arrived at the Cullens's house earlier than I thought possible: I now had a full understanding the top speeds of Edward's car and why Charlie had warned him. Despite the terrifying drive, Edward was so methodically focused and graceful weaving in and out of traffic I understood I was safe.
We both wanted answers as we stood with his family.
"Why did she attack the wolves?" I asked instantly as we stepped into the house. I found the tiny vampire I wanted to interrogate. "Why Seth? How could she have known?" I glared at Alice.
She sighed as her eyebrows knitted together in grief. "It's unclear. My vision failed us, that's simply the end of it."
"Now, Alice," Carlisle interjected. "This is not your fault. Your vision didn't fail us or cause Seth to die." He turned to look at me, and then caught Edward's eye. "I believe congratulations are in order?"
His gaze wandered to my left hand.
"Yes," Edward said, his voice low. "I'm happy to discuss that, but Bella is correct that we need the full story. Walk us through everything."
And so they did: Alice had only a half hour warning that Victoria was coming, such a narrow time that it took everyone off guard. Her vision was still spotty, just as Edward had described to me, and they believed she would start towards Charlie's house first before dashing over the treaty line. It unnerved me to think of Charlie, alone at home, as Victoria crept around looking for me.
Alice prioritized telling Carlisle and the immediate family first, and by that point, Victoria was too close to warn others. Her scent was in the area, although in the wrong place: it was clear she was starting on the other side of the treaty, where the wolves reigned. The fight wasn't much of a fight at all: Jacob, in wolf form, chased her to the edge of the treaty and straight into Jasper. Her death was instant and inescapable, her body consumed by flames in the darkest hour before dawn, sending sparks up between the trees. Jacob had transformed then and told the Cullens that Seth had been attacked, and that somehow Victoria had known they would be blind if she stayed on their side of the boundary.
Alice had been beside herself when she learned this. Her vision had never let her down or been gamed before.
"Edward, can you see it?" She pleaded at him as the story wrapped up.
A frown crossed his features. "I can, it's odd." He gazed at the rest of the family. "It's hard to describe; all of Alice's visions are different. But somehow, it's like the signal is off. Perhaps we're not listening to the right channel."
"What can that mean, Carlisle?" Alice said desperately.
Carlisle paused, considering. The family of vampires gazed at him, silently pleading for his guidance. "It's hard to say. Your visions have always been so different for our kind and there isn't a precedent for understanding it." He took in a breath. "A long time ago, there was a story about a vampire —an ancient vampire— who interacted with time, similar to you, Alice. But he could manipulate it."
"You think somebody is manipulating the future?" Emmett interjected, leaning his huge form against the wall.
"No," Carlisle continued. "There hasn't been any proof of that ever happening, although it would be difficult to prove. But I wonder if somebody is manipulating her vision, somebody who helped Victoria."
"The Volturi." Edward said, resolutely.
Carlisle simply looked down and nodded.
We didn't have answers about how the Volturi could be involved or in what capacity, and no guesses at all on how they might be able to influence or distort Alice's precognition. After relaying Victoria's death to us, Edward's family wanted to hear our full engagement story, which Edward shared with enthusiasm. I was perhaps too quiet, too lost in my own grief about Seth to be able to throw myself into the conversation in the way it deserved.
When Edward dropped me off at home, around the time we'd initially planned with Charlie, it was evident my dad had learned about Seth's death. He sat at the kitchen table, a forgotten mug of coffee beside him, cold. A blank expression rested on his face. I realized instantly that I would have to pretend not to know that Seth was gone. Charlie would think I was learning about it for the first time now.
"Hey dad," I said, faking a deeper enthusiasm than I felt like I could muster. It drained me. "I'm engaged!" I held out my hand to him for him to look at the ring.
He smiled slightly and took my hand, his warm touch and rough hands clashing against my smooth skin. "That's wonderful news, Bells. Come here."
He stood up, and pulled me into the tightest hug I'd ever received from him.
"Bella, sit down for a moment," he said, pulling away. I pulled out a chair, the legs creaking against the floor. I looked at him expectantly, knowing what he was going to say but trying to not show it. "Seth Clearwater was killed last night in an attack on the reservation."
I wasn't faking when the tears flowed down my cheeks, a fresh new wave of grief coming over me. I held my face in my hands, both as an expression of grief and as a cover to hide any signs on my face I already knew. This announcement from Charlie felt different than when Edward had told me hours ago. Perhaps it was because Charlie looked just as upset as I'd felt and Edward had maintained a significantly higher level of composure, or perhaps it was because I was home now, no need to rush out or pretend to hold it together, but this round of tears was brutal. Rough, and harsh. I felt my whole body quake in my small wooden seat, pulling my knees into my chest and pressing my eyes into my jeans.
I wanted to be small, to disappear.
My fault. I couldn't shake it from my mind.
Charlie said nothing, but just reached out awkwardly to rub the side of my arm.
We sat like that for a long time, long enough that the gray skies shifted and turned to twilight once again.
The days that followed were a blur, a mess of sadness, grief, and confusion.
The funeral was to be held a few days later on Wednesday. The days leading up to it were tense, somehow even more gray than normal. I spent my time with Edward, wandering through the hallways of our high school mostly in silence. Everything around us just felt like the end. High school was so far from my mind, as were any plans of what might occur afterwards. College seemed impossibly far away in these few interim days, and even thoughts of our wedding and my transformation were pushed aside.
The morning of the funeral, I gazed at my reflection in my mirror. I didn't have a black dress or even a black skirt, and a shopping trip was out of the question at this point. I had on a pair of black pants and a black sweater, made only a little less plain by a simple silver necklace my mom had given me years ago, and my engagement ring. My hair was twisted into a somewhat messy low bun, and my expression was blank somehow, my eyes a little less bright than usual. It could have been the muted, dim light that streamed through the curtains on the window, but my skin was paler than ever, with slightly dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. It looked like I had already begun my transformation into a vampire, and maybe in a way I had.
I met Charlie downstairs.
"It's nice of Edward to offer to drive," he said, sporting a simple black suit that was not the right size for him —it hung too large in the shoulders.
"Yes, it is," I muttered. It had been a source of contention about if the Cullens should even be allowed to attend the services, given the conflict. But, Sam had made it clear that in this instance, everyone was grieving and since it had ultimately been Jasper who had killed Victoria, an exception to the treaty would be made for just this day and Cullens would be allowed to cross the treaty line this day. Part of me sensed it was just for appearances: most of Forks was attending, and their absence would be noted. While not everybody knew Seth or spent a lot of time on the reservation, the loss of such a young life was deeply saddening for our town.
Like most of the past few days, Charlie and I sat in silence. He didn't even have the television on. We sat, Charlie on the worn down couch and me on a small armchair, waiting for my fiancé to arrive.
My head turned to look out the window past the old oak tree in the lawn, spotting the silver Volvo turning into the driveway. Relief washed over me knowing Edward was close, only tinged by dread that it meant we were now on the way to the funeral. Charlie and I didn't wait for him to come inside, instead we just stood up, silently, and walked out into the rainy late morning to his car.
Edward was in a black suit with a black shirt underneath. I realized the only other time I saw him in black was at prom last year, and the contrast of these two events struck me. He was out of the car, opening the doors for us in silence. His arms found me and he pulled me into a hug, his lips pressed into the top of my hair.
"I like this," he said softly, his fingers, caressing the nape of my neck as he gently cupped the bun at the back of my hair.
"Thanks," I said simply, my voice lower than normal. Even though his closeness was undeniably comforting, I still couldn't shake the grief that had eaten me all week.
Charlie stood by awkwardly, clearly not entirely sold on Edward's gesture of offering to drive. I removed his sense of conflict by settling into the backseat of the car, the first time I had ever been in the back of the Volvo.
"It's just down the highway on the way to the reservation, and then it's on the main street. I'm sure you know the way," Charlie said, looking around the Volvo's spotless interior.
"No, sir, I've actually never been," Edward said.
"Really?" Charlie said, looking at him suspiciously. "The beach there is great. I'm surprised with all your camping you've never gone."
"Me too," Edward said coolly, clearly trying to avoid going into more detail as he reversed the car and we were on our way. "I wish I was visiting under better circumstances."
We drove in silence, broken only by Charlie's curt directions about where to turn off. It was interesting, seeing Edward drive from this perspective. He was going the normal, law-abiding traffic speed, but he didn't appear frustrated. On the contrary, he seemed so natural, so comfortable with Charlie. I was surprised we were going together, and that Edward didn't go with his family and I alone with Charlie.
It occurred to me, as we sped under the evergreens, that Edward now viewed me as his family.
I looked at the ring on my finger with an overwhelming sense of love, something somehow deeper —if that was possible— than I had experienced before. Getting engaged and then days later attending a funeral somehow placed more emphasis on the importance of finding happiness, wherever I could. I gazed at Edward between the seats, and realized that his happiness, and mine, were inseparable, and that Edward was correct that marriage was more than just the procedural event I had always imagined it to be. I thought that perhaps before, I had agreed to marriage for his happiness, for his joy. But I realized now that I wanted it just as much, to bind myself to him in this way.
I emotionally shut down as the car entered the funeral home, where the wake would take place. I wasn't there when I saw Sue and Leah, their shared loneliness crushing all of us. Both of them were still as Sam and Billy said remarks, unable to move or sob, their combined grief so cutting. I felt so distant from my body as Edward drove us to the cemetery. I didn't know Seth all that well, but enough to understand that he was a child, a fact so poignant by the grief that crossed his mother's features, and that his death would haunt me forever. I couldn't be present for this moment.
I couldn't be present as we parked amid a sea of other cars, the lot full from almost everyone in Forks.
I couldn't be present as I walked with Edward across the wet grass.
I couldn't be present as I realized that everything about this was a closed-casket ceremony, and what that meant for the boy in the coffin.
I couldn't process how I could sense Jacob, standing barely ten feet away from us, or how his eyes were caught halfway between the casket and gazing at me. He was clearly imagining my transformation, my death as he saw it.
I could only feel myself pressed into Edward's cool side, as one of his heavy arms held me to him, and his other hand held an umbrella over us, protecting me. I cried and he kept his eyes lowered, following the coffin as it moved into the ground.
I felt myself being guided by Edward back towards the car, my feet sliding against raindrops on the manicured lawn. And then, I felt a warm tap on my shoulder.
"Bella," a familiar voice said.
I turned to see Jake. Edward had stopped, my hand still firmly held in his. "Jake," I said. My voice sounded distant.
"Can I talk to her?" Jacob said, looking directly at Edward.
Edward said nothing, but looked at me for guidance. I nodded as I stared into his sad, golden eyes. "I'll be in the car," he said finally as he handed me the umbrella. He dashed at a human speed across the grass, his suit getting misted in the process. I knew he would be waiting to drive Charlie and I to the reception.
I stopped, shifting my weight to rest on a different leg. I crossed my arms and looked up at him. It was difficult to see him again, to see him here, under these circumstances. I remembered his harsh goodbye, or lack of. I saw stubbornness behind his dark eyes.
"It's good to see you," he said finally, his voice barely a whisper.
I huffed. "Yes, this is really a great reunion."
"You know what I mean."
"Do I?" I challenged him.
Jacob's lips went tight. "I noticed Edward wasn't there that night. Did he tell you this was going to happen? Whisk you away?"
He was cutting right to the nerve, and the painful replay of Edward's conversation with me in the car flashed in my mind. "Edward didn't know."
"You sure about that?" His tone was biting, skeptical.
"Yes," I said certainly. I could feel my nostrils flaring. I had the same accusation of course, but I believed Edward. I believed that Alice didn't see it, and fundamentally I understood that Edward wouldn't let someone like Seth be injured, sworn enemies be damned.
Jacob paused, sensing my own resolve. Instead, I found his eyes looking downwards, staring at my hand. "Are congratulations in order?" He snapped at me and I could sense the pain radiating from him as he saw the ring on my finger.
"I suppose they are, yes," I said. I was surprised by how little conflict I felt, despite there only being a couple weeks since our encounter on the beach.
"Does seeing Seth die give you any hesitation around ending your own life?"
He sounded so much like Edward at that moment. I turned and looked towards the direction of the Volvo, far off in the distance. I wondered if Edward was thinking the same thing.
"No," I said honestly. "If anything, it makes me realize that life is too short to spend it doing anything less than being with the person I want to spend my life with." I realized it as I said it: I felt an odd blessing that something existed in the world that would allow Edward and I to never experience death as a separating force between us. It made me feel eager to start now, to begin to spend eternity with him.
The exact opposite that Jacob was hoping I'd be thinking, I was sure.
"It is death, you know. You die in the process."
I sighed. It wasn't worth arguing with him. "Is this what you cornered me to talk about?"
"Yes, honestly." He was tense, rigid almost. "I was wondering if you had changed your mind."
"You were mistaken."
He glared at me. I felt too tired to glare back, too exhausted internally to fight with him.
"I can see that," he sighed. "I assume it's happening soon then?"
I bit my lip. "Yes." Edward and I hadn't actually discussed this, but I understood now it was all I wanted, and maybe our timeline of getting married and changing me could be sped up faster than I thought.
"You know I will never see you again, right?" He reached his arm out to me, grabbing my shoulder. His touch was hot and intense.
I stared at him. "You can always visit me, if you wanted."
It was his turn to huff. "I don't want to see you like that."
His words were cutting. I jerked away from him, turning on my feet and rushing towards the Volvo.
I heard him chasing after me. He grabbed me again, and I swatted him away. "Jacob, don't touch me. It's not welcome."
"It should be, but you are all… messed up now. You want his touch, like ice."
Under normal circumstances maybe I would have punched him. "If your intention was to change my mind in any way, you are doing a terrible job."
"I can see that," he sighed. "I suppose it's too late now, anyway." His eyes lingered on the ring on my finger. "Have you been… close to him?"
His suggestive question bludgeoned my senses and short-circuited my brain. "That is none of your business," I said.
"You can't be serious, Bella."
"I'm done with this conversation." I turned once again and started walking to the car. I kept my pace brisk, sliding again through the grass and mud, clutching the umbrella in one hand and the other used to steady my balance. Jacob could have easily caught up with me, but as I turned back for a moment, I saw he stood frozen in the rain. He turned around and started walking in the wrong direction from the cars, towards the forest edge. I paused, watching him walk away, a new type of sadness wringing through me. I'd been mistaken before that the night on the beach was the end.
This was the last time I would see him, the boy who healed my heart when my own light had disappeared.
I didn't have it in me to cry anymore as I walked back to the car, pulling my sweater tighter around me and regretting not bringing a jacket. I'd expected to see Charlie there, but it was just Edward in the car.
"Where's Charlie?" I asked as I got inside, inhaling Edward's honeyed scent. It steadied me.
He looked me over, clearly assessing my state. I wondered what he saw there. "Charlie came by; Sam offered to give him a ride to the reception a little early." He paused. "I think Sam is uncomfortable with us being here, even though he invited us."
I didn't respond, just looked down at my legs, rubbing my hands on the black cotton. I felt Edward's delicate, cool touch brush the sides of my cheek, moving back towards my ear to touch the unraveled strands of hair from my updo. "There's a little time before that starts. I was wondering if we could drive down to the beach?" His voice was calm.
"I'd like that, but it's raining, Edward."
"I've got an extra jacket for you in the trunk," he said, gesturing to the back of the car. "I purchased a spare one for you after the night you left yours with Jessica."
I smirked a little, feeling like this was something Edward would do. "Okay, then." I paused. "I'm not sure how much I'll be up for conversation today, though."
He started the car and left the cemetery. "That's okay, I just want to see it with you. You invited me here so long ago, and I think it would be nice to live out that imaginary day."
I was surprised to hear myself laugh. "That feels like so long ago." It really did. I recalled that day, remembering the car ride home from school that day. I could still feel Edward grabbing my jacket and the start of his deluge of questions as he got to know me. I snapped back to our current drive to First Beach. "Were you sad that day, when you said you couldn't come?"
"Sad is not a strong enough adjective to describe how I felt when I turned you down." Edward held my gaze as he drove, not looking at the road at all, and I found myself getting lost in the liquid topaz.
"Did you like me, even then?"
"Like also isn't strong enough." He flashed me a crooked smile. "We need to work on your vocabulary, love."
Despite all the sadness I felt, the crushing grief that I felt in every muscle, I couldn't help but let out a small laugh.
We were approaching the beach now, the blue-grey sea blending perfectly into the blue-grey skies over the horizon. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been out here during the day, but realized it must have been during the window of Edward's absence. It might have even been the day I jumped from the cliff edges nearby. I shuddered with grief.
Edward flashed me a side eye, noticing my shiver. "We won't stay long. Just a quick walk." I heard the tires churning up the stones underneath, and then we were stopped. Nobody was around us, no cars, no people. Once the engine was killed, the only sound was the crashing of waves on rocks and logs, and the cawing of seagulls.
Edward was already out of the car and opening the trunk by the time I removed my seatbelt. He opened the door and handed me a quilted down jacket, thankfully with a hood. I slipped it over my funeral outfit as I hopped out of the car.
I couldn't help but gaze at him. He was now staring out over the horizon, watching the waves lap up over the beach, leaving traces of seaweed in the tide pools. Mist clung to his long eyelashes and his bronze tousled hair. His skin, so pale, looked like it was almost glowing, radiating whatever daylight filtered through the clouds.
His beauty disarmed me.
He turned and took my hand. "Let's go down to one of the tide pools."
I looked nervously at my black loafers, not suitable at all for walking on a rocky beach.
"Oh," Edward said, realizing what I was thinking about. "Here." He leaned down slightly and gestured for me to climb on his back. He smiled at me as I jumped on. He walked us down to the edge of the water at a human pace, taking his time. My hood bobbed back and forth, providing me with only moderate protection from the rain. I leaned into Edward's neck, inhaling once again. I found my lips reaching for his earlobe. I put it between them.
I felt his breath catch. "Bella," he said firmly. I released reluctantly.
He stopped and I realized we were now standing on the edge of a tidepool. He leaned down once again and I understood this was my queue to jump off. I slipped slightly as I landed, feeling my heart skip a beat as I realized how close I had been to falling into a tide pool once again.
Edward gently caught me. "Watch yourself."
We stared down together at the dark, clear water and the creatures that lived there. Several small, red crabs wandered over turquoise and black rocks, scuttling next to barnacles and sea urchins. It was dazzling.
"It's amazing I've never been here," Edward said, looking down. "I'm glad I'm sharing this with you."
"Me too," I said, smiling up at him. My face was wet from the rain but I didn't mind. I was enjoying myself, despite everything.
"What did Jacob Black want to talk to you about?" Edward asked after a moment, turning around to stare at the ocean once again.
I swallowed. I had to raise my voice a little more to shout over the waves. "He tried to stop me from becoming a vampire."
"Did he convince you?" Edward's voice was heavy with sadness.
"No." I said. "Not at all. I want it now more than ever."
He looked at me. "You may be surprised to hear me say this, but I want that now, too."
"You want what?" I said, trying to make sense of his words.
He took a moment to compose himself, swallowing. "I want to change you, now."
I blinked. "What?"
"Bella," he barked. "How can you not understand what I'm telling you? Is something wrong?"
I stared up at him, my expression surely dumbfounded. I tried to process what he was saying.
"Why the sudden change? You've never agreed to this."
"That's not true," he said, his tone evening out once again. "I did agree to it. I have been working very hard to accept this future outcome. Today, watching that boy get buried, I realized I will never be able to watch you die. I cannot ever bear to see that." He picked up my hand. "No marriage expectation, nothing. We can do it as soon as you wish."
I looked away from him, returning to look at the tide pools, the crabs now climbing over one another. I wanted what he was offering. After today, I wanted nothing more than this. I wanted him to change me, and I wanted it now. But as I watched a little creature exhale a bubble up to the surface, and recalled burying Seth today, I realized I needed more time to say goodbye to Charlie, to Renée.
"One year," I said. I realized, as I caught his eye, that all the puzzle pieces fell into place. My future was set. "We graduate. We go to Dartmouth together. We get married, nothing big. We concoct a story for my parents, and then we do it."
He stared at me, surprised. "Okay."
"Okay? That's it?"
His eyebrows raised. "I like this."
I stared at him. "Like what?"
"You, making decisions like this." He inhaled. "You are so incredibly strong." He turned to face me, the back of his hand caressing my face again. He brushed his thumb over my lip. "I love you."
I kissed his thumb in response. My lips contoured around him.
"We should get back," he said, patting himself on the shoulder to indicate he'd carry me back to the car. I jumped on him, and he turned to smirk at me.
That evening, I had a very difficult time doing anything. I stayed in my room, alone, waiting for Edward to climb through my window. I couldn't shake the gravity of Seth's funeral from my mind. His face haunted me, and I craved Edward's proximity to comfort me.
As I stared up at my ceiling, I heard a vibration on the small table next to my bed. I saw that the cell phone was vibrating. I flicked open the screen.
Edward: I need to stay w Alice tonight.
Coldness washed over me. I stared at the phone and typed, very slowly, my response. Is she okay
Yes. The phone buzzed again. Vision problems
An interesting cocktail of terror and amusement replaced the cold feeling. I was terrified because more problems with Alice's visions could not be good, and amusement because his response was so normal, so overt.
I tried to type but quickly became frustrated. I called him instead. He picked up on the first ring.
"What's going on with Alice?" I said nervously.
His deep melodic voice filled me. "It's hard to explain."
"Try me?"
I heard him inhale. "There are holes developing. She's able to see pockets of the future, but the vision is fading in and out. Before, it was jumbled, but it's getting worse." He paused, and I tried to follow. "It's like something is eating the film, if that makes sense."
It did, I suppose. "Okay. What is she seeing?"
His tone was urgent. "It's more interesting what she's not seeing. She's seeing gaps in our future, Bella. It's only the two of us that have these holes."
I felt my stomach flip. "Nobody else?"
"Just us," he said, his voice dark. "You know how we made a plan today, or at least I think we did? About going to college?"
"Yeah," I said.
"She sees none of that, and she should." He inhaled again. "Bella, I'm staying with her tonight to see if we can learn any more. But after, you need to be with me 24/7. Somebody is planning something, and I'm scared."
