It's impossible to prepare for heartbreak.
As a little girl, Casey dreamed of meeting her prince charming with whom she would live together forever and get that happily ever after. And she thought she had it when she met John. They had been both in their sophomore year of college, sharing a biology class where they bonded over a mutual distaste for the professor. Oh, she remembered how her heart fluttered at seeing him every Monday and Friday at noon. Him and his boyish grin and those adorable dimples. At first, she hadn't been looking for a relationship; she was there to get a degree-the first in her family, as none of them had been able to go due to the cost. She'd been lucky enough to be awarded a two year scholarship-but over time, the two of them began to talk over things that didn't only pertain to the lecture. They became good friends and oftentimes, they were seen studying together or eating lunch prior to their class.
By the time the final examination came around, John asked her if she would like to see a movie with her. She accepted what was to be their first date. It was everything she'd dreamed of and more; he was the absolute perfect gentleman. He even paid for their snacks, insisting that she keep her money. It was there that they shared their first kiss in the back of the theater where it was most exceptionally dark. Casey had such a wonderful time that the two of them went on a few more dates where she got to know him even better and vice versa. A month after that, he officially asked her to be his girlfriend.
During that summer before her junior year, everything went splendidly. It was almost too good. If they couldn't be together, sometimes John visited her at the supermarket where she worked to stock shelves or bag groceries. It wasn't a glamorous job by any means and the uniform was just dreadful . Even so, John told her she was the prettiest girl there. He met her parents by the middle of June. She'd still been living at home at the time and the rule was that they had to meet any guy she was seeing-whether she was an adult or not. He came by for dinner one evening which couldn't have been more perfect. Truth be told, she'd been a little nervous about her parents embarrassing her or him saying the wrong thing that would make them disapprove. Turns out, she'd fretted for nothing. He'd brought with him a bottle of wine to give to her parents and while waiting for dinner, he chatted with her dad about football scores. It completely won him over, she almost couldn't believe it. Her dad hadn't been fond of the two guys she'd dated in high school and yet took to John just like that.
But while her romantic life had taken off, not everything was going quite as smoothly.
For the past two years, she'd depended on that scholarship to assist her in getting through college. In the meantime, she worked as much as she could to save up the rest of what she might need, plus a little extra. She'd been doing that even before getting the scholarship ever since she was thirteen and allowed to babysit around her neighborhood. Her parents had instilled the importance of college into her even at a young age, for they knew they wouldn't have been able to afford it otherwise. Because of that, she'd raised a few thousand dollars. It wouldn't cover everything but it was a good start.
She just never would have thought it would be her aunt that would make it all go away.
Her aunt, her mom's sister, was a well known alcoholic. Back than, it was just normal, at least for them. It sort of ran in the family. No one confronted the person, no one urged them to get help. It was seen as a part of their life. They all knew she was desperate for any buzz she could get, even sacrificing her rent money for it. She shopped from place and to place and at the time, she'd been evicted from her apartment she'd been staying in. Her parents allowed her to come live with them; it was a small home but they made it work. Aunt Mildred slept on the couch whilst keeping her belongings, what could fit, in Casey's room. The same room where she kept her piggy banks. Her parents had been hesitant to put all that money in the bank. They deemed it safer to keep it at home. They lived in a nice neighborhood with hardly any crime occurring so they didn't think much of it.
However, one Friday evening when Casey was working later to earn some overtime, Aunt Mildred swiped everything . She'd been going through withdrawal for a few days and with Casey's parents too poor to buy anything for her, snuck into her bedroom, smashed the banks and headed for the nearest liquor store where she proceeded to go on a drinking binge.
Casey had been utterly devastated when she found out. With all that money gone, she had no chance of returning to college that upcoming August and was forced to drag herself to the enrollment adviser to inform him that she needed to drop those two classes she'd signed up for. John offered to help her out but she refused. She was not a charity case; moreover, he was paying his way through with his own money. He didn't need to take her on as well.
It was a tense month in her house between her and Aunt Mildred, not to mention between her parents and Aunt Mildred. Her aunt had the audacity to be offended when confronted, making up feeble excuses left and right. Dad had been disgusted with her. Mom had a tougher time, especially when Aunt Mildred started crying, but she made it quite clear that it wasn't okay to steal Casey's hard earned money. Instead of pressing charges, they told her she had to pack up her bags and go quietly. Aunt Mildred had been utterly dumbfounded, as if she couldn't believe they were doing this to her. That's what stung Casey the most. She never owned up to anything and acted like they were the bad guys and had wronged her. As a child, Casey had adored her aunt and was unaware of a problem that haunted her until she reached her adolescent years.
After all that happened and with the weight of her schooling being put on the back burner for now, Casey threw herself into work. She applied for another job at a doctor's office where she could be the receptionist. That was on top of her supermarket job. It left her exhausted most days. Rarely was she given time off and if she was, it wasn't from both at the same time.
She'd wondered about whether her relationship with John would suffer; their time spent together was becoming less and less due to her working all the time. Any day now, she was expecting him to drop the bomb that this wasn't working and they were better off as friends.
But he surprised her.
"Honey, John's here," her mother's voice called up to her just as she was halfway up the stairs.
She went back down to the door, opening it and finding John standing on the doorstep. "Hi," she closed the door and went out there with him. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to see you," he told her.
She sighed heavily, figuring that she knew where this was going. "Yeah? Look, if this isn't working, it's okay. I won't be upset with you."
He blinked, caught off guard by her words. "What? Do you want to break up?"
She frowned. "Don't you?"
"No!" He exclaimed. "Why would you think that?"
"We haven't seen each other lately. I just assumed..."
John cupped her face. "I love you, Case. We'll get through this. I know how much you want to be back in school."
"Oh, John," she murmured, feeling relieved. "You mean it?'
"Of course," he kissed her soft lips. "Nothing's going to tear us apart, I promise you."
Sometimes she laid awake at night, staring up at her ceiling, wondering how things had changed so much in such a short period of time.
How did someone who was filled with so much love, so much loyalty and passion, abandon not only her, but their child?
It wasn't the life she'd envisioned for herself. Struggling to make ends meet while trying to raise a child and fill a gap that was never truly there was almost too much at times. There were so many moments she just wanted to scream and had to restrain herself.
She wondered how she got here.
And then she remembered.
John and Casey stayed strong together. She was there in the stands, cheering for him when he received his college diploma and tried not to feel bitter that she wasn't also up on that stage. However, she told herself not to be selfish. That was John's moment. Not hers. She would get her moment someday.
She hoped.
On her twenty-second birthday, John proposed. He'd guided her away from everybody and into the backyard where the sun was setting. He told her how much he loved her, how lucky he was to have her in his life and then bent down on one knee. With her hand covering her mouth and tears welling up in her eyes, Casey nodded her answer.
The two shared a kiss and an embrace.
They were married in December of that year, a few weeks before Christmas. It was a lovely wedding. She could vividly remember, even years later, how he'd looked at her as she clung to her Dad's arm, walking down the aisle. That night after the reception, she was picked up into his strong arms and led into the home that, unbeknownst to her, would become a house filled with memories of a life that could have been.
It was a year and a half into their marriage when Casey found out she was expecting. She'd been dealing with some unpleasant symptoms and thought nothing of it, likely believing she was merely coming down with the flu. But her mother knew better. She suggested that Casey get a pregnancy test-which caused Casey to cough and her cheeks to pinken. She might have been an adult, a married one at that, but she still couldn't help but feel like a just turned teenager who as getting the sex talk.
She went ahead and took it; the test came out positive. She was pregnant.
Pregnant !
To think, and her hand had flown to her stomach with this realization, she had a child inside of her right now . Sure, it wasn't exactly what she planned because she'd wanted to already be back in school before even thinking about starting a family but somehow, Casey knew everything was going to be okay anyway. And John, oh, he was going to be ecstatic to learn that he was going to be a dad!
She'd been so excited to tell him. For the rest of the day, she waited patiently until he arrived back. She'd cooked his favorite meal, put candles in the middle of the table and greeted him with a kiss as he came inside.
"What's all this?" John raised his eyebrows as he came around the corner.
"Sit down," Casey told him, feeling the giddiness from earlier return. "I've got something exciting to share."
"Oh, yeah?" John grinned. He dug into the chicken alfredo, humming. "Mmm, that's good, Case. Is that Mom's recipe?"
"Sure is," Casey said proudly. "I wasn't sure how well I'd do but I think it came out good."
"It's better than good. It's fantastic!"
She giggled.
He grasped her hand. "Now what is it you wanted to tell me, darling?"
She inhaled slowly. "I got some unexpected news today."
"Unexpected?"
"It's good news, trust me," Casey reassured him. She scooted the chair closer to him, her cheeks starting to ache from her grin benign so wide. "John..." Her voice came out in a delighted whisper, "we're going to have a baby!"
He froze. "A baby?"
She nodded, a laugh escaping her. "Yes, yes; a baby! I'm pregnant!"
He let go of her hand, coughing lightly. Her smile waned a bit. "I thought we were going to wait before doing all that?"
"I know it's sudden," she began, "but we can do this, can't we? It's a little sooner, sure, but that's alright, isn't it?"
Her smile vanished completely when he merely sighed. "You're not happy about this."
Her throat felt tight.
"Case-"
"Why aren't you happy?" She rose to her feet, staring down at him with a hurtful expression.
He got up as well. "You've got to admit, this...it's surprising."
She felt like her stomach had dropped to the floor. "You don't want this baby, do you?"
He grimaced. "No, no. That's not what I said."
"It's what you meant!"
"No !" He barked and then went silent. "I just don't know how we're going to raise a child right now. I'm just starting out at my job and you even said you needed to quit that receptionist job because it was too stressful. We can't raise a child on our salaries, Casey."
"I know," She closed her eyes. "I just...I'm going to find another job before the baby is due. I know this isn't what we planned for but we can do this. Everything will work out, trust me."
He sighed again, pulling her close. "Okay," he said. "Okay. We'll do this."
J ohn never once shared her enthusiasm for the pregnancy.
Casey tried not to let it bother her. She chalked it up to him simply being nervous. He was about to be a first time father and their financial situation wasn't the greatest. He had legitimate reasons to be nervous. That's what she told her mom when she was over one day, helping Casey fold the baby boy clothes she'd gotten after finding out the gender.
They were in the nursery. The sun was shining through the open window as they put the clothes away. Casey could feel her mom's eyes on her.
"John's not very excited," Mom remarked casually.
Casey stopped folding. "Please don't start."
"I'm just saying, honey. He's about to be a father. There's no reason to act like the world is ending."
"He's not acting like that," Casey said defensively. She shut the draw a little harder than necessary. "He's stressed, Mom, and I told you, this wasn't planned. We didn't think we'd be parents so soon."
Her mother pursed her lips. "Your father and I didn't either but he never once acted like John is acting."
Casey rolled a pair of socks together. "It'll be fine. He'll forget all about his worries when the baby comes."
That's what she'd been telling herself.
Her mother leaned against the dresser, watching her. "And what happens when he doesn't? You can't guarantee that, dear."
Casey inhaled and exhaled. She turned to her mother and said firmly, "I know John. He needs a little time to warm up, that's all. I don't know what you're trying to imply but please stay out of my marriage."
She wished she'd listened to her mom. Her dad, too. They'd both not liked the way John had behaved but she brushed them off as trying to treat her like a kid instead of a married woman. Little did she know that they'd been trying to help her and her unborn child. If only she hadn't taken it all so personally.
The night that Charlie was born, John was late. Casey had been having dinner with her parents when her water broke. She froze and visibly started to panic when her parents sprung into action. She was taken to the local hospital and back into a room with her mother while her dad went to call up John. He was at work but as she looked back on that moment years later, she wasn't so sure. He might have been doing other things. Other things she preferred not to think about, things that would only infuriate her.
By the time John did come, Charlie was in her arms.
Her chest went up and down. Sweat accumulated all over her. Her hair was out of the top knot and stocking to her neck. She would have felt gross if not for what she had just done.
"I'm sorry, I'm late!" John came bursting through the door. Casey shushed him harshly. Charlie had just settled down. She didn't need him stirring the poor thing up.
Still, while a part of her was greatly upset that he hadn't been there, she didn't want to ruin the moment. "Do you want to hold your son?"
"In a minute," John shrugged. "I'm tired. Long day." he came beside her bed, plopping down in the chair. "What are we naming him?"
"I already named him," Casey told him carefully.
John looked at her in disbelief. "You named him without me?"
"I didn't know when you would get her."
"That's not an excuse!" John was exasperated. "What, it's not enough that you decorated the nursery and bought the clothes. You had to name him too?"
Her heart was starting to speed up. The monitor was beeping every so often. This wasn't supposed to happen. They weren't supposed to fight. This was a happy occasion. Why weren't they happy?
"I asked you for help. You told me you were too busy."
"Whatever," He rolled his eyes. He flung a hand in her direction flippantly. "What did you name him?"
"Charles Edward. He can be called Charlie or short," she said quietly. Her eyes peered up at him and she bit her lip. "Are you sure you don't want to hold him?"
"Yeah. Look, I'll be back. I'm gonna go find a vending machine."
He left her all alone with their newborn.
It didn't get better after Charlie's birth. John just wasn't into any of it. It killed her to see. Every day, he would leave for work and return home and retreat to the living room where he watched television until he needed to go to bed. He didn't help out with Charlie or anything else unless she begged.
It put her in a dark place. She was on maternity leave and fighting strange emotions that seemed to pop up after she left the hospital. Lucky for her, her parents stepped up to be there to assist with Charlie or any other household things.
"Please, please, stop crying, sweetheart," Casey muttered repeatedly, feeling like she was about to burst into tears herself. She bounced him up and down gently. "It's okay. Shh. It's okay..."
"Not settling down?" Mom asked with sympathy.
Casey swallowed everything back. "I don't know what's wrong. He won't stop crying. Nothing's working. I've done everything the doctor suggested!"
Mom held other open arms. "Why don't you give Charlie to me? Go lay down for a bit, sweetheart. You look worn."
"She's right, Casey," Dad frowned. "Go on. Your mom and I can handle him."
She shook her head. "No, no. I...I can't." She was the mother, not them. She'd already slacked on too much. And a nap? Who had time for that? Tere ws too much to do for her to sleep comfortably. She was not going to be like those other mothers. She cared for her child. "I have too much to do."
Dad cut her off, placing his hands on her shoulders. "We've got it, Case. We'll help you. It's not the first time we've looked after a newborn."
"Goon," Mom's voice was soft.. "Take a break."
Take a break
She didn't know why it was those words specifically that caused her to break down. But Casey fell into her dad's arms, sobbing in his chest while he held her and dropped a kiss on her hair. "Everything's going to be okay," he said calmly. She was unaware of the dark look he exchanged with her mom. "It's going to be okay..."
Charlie was nearly two years old when John left.
She didn't know he'd been planning this.
She didn't know he'd subtly stuffed a backpack full of his belongings and thrown it into his truck the night before.
She didn't know the end was near.
They were almost out of diapers. She asked him if he could please go get some, as she had some extra money saved so they could purchase the next level up brand that wasn't outrageously expensive but not as useless as the generic brand was. To her surprise, he accepted and said he would be right back.
He lied.
It wasn't the first time he lied. She wasn't stupid. And she could tell something was off about him this time but chose to ignore it. He wasn't putting up a fuss and she didn't want to put him in a rotten mood.
So she let it go.
When half an hour passed, she assumed there must be a long line at the market or bad traffic.
When forty-five minutes passed, her stomach twisted with slight worry. Could he have gotten in an accident?
When it was an hour and a half later, her mind started to wander.
No , she said to herself. He wouldn't . She was being ridiculous. He was going to walk through the door with the bag of diapers, complaining about something or the other.
Oh, what she would give to hear him complaining.
She sat in the chair in the living room for five hours. When the clock rang at eight, Casey knew she had to face the truth.
He wasn't coming back.
Her...her husband..he'd left her.
And now she was all alone.
It had been difficult to adjust to. The reality of the situation she now found herself in hadn't sunk in quite yet. She didn't want it to sink in.
"Oh, hello, sweetheart," Mom said cheerfully. "What is it? Do you need us to come over to watch Charlie?"
"No," she managed to keep her voice steady. "It's not that."
"How is our little angel doing? Oh, I just miss him so much. Your father says I need to let you mother him sometimes but I just can't help it. You know I mean well. It's been so long since we had a little one around. I just want to pinch those little cheeks-"
"John left me," Casey's eyes were starting to sting and her chest ached. Her voice was barely audible yet she knew her mom had heard her.
"What?" Her mother said with poorly concealed shock and anger. "What do you mean he's left you?"
"I..he.." She was rapidly losing control. "I asked him to get diapers and he's not home and I thought at first there must be a long line or...or traffic but that was hours ago and-" She fell to the floor, sobbing. "Mom, he left me. He left me and Charlie!"
"It's going to be okay," Mom said, sounding a bit strained like she, too, was struggling to keep herself in check. "It's all going to be alright. I promise, sweetheart."
/
She missed this-missed being held in someone's arms; she missed the feeling of contentment, of safety, of security. It had been a long time since she'd experienced this, since she was wrapped in a tight embrace and felt lips pressing a feather-light kiss to the top of her head. It sent a happy flutter through her stomach.
"What are you thinking about?" Gordon whispered.
"Nothing in particular," She allowed her eyes to close, enjoying the warmth she was receiving. Her head laid comfortably on his chest, her nose inhaling the scent of his cologne.
They ought to move before both of them fall asleep. She didn't want Charlie coming home and seeing it. He was aware that they were an official couple now, but she still felt strange about it. This was the first man she was with since John, which seemed like a lifetime ago. This was the first man that Charlie was seeing her with.
"You're a horrible liar," he said, his tone light and slightly teasing.
She couldn't help but smile. "It's really nothing. Nothing you'd be interested in hearing."
"Try me. I'm all ears."
She shifted a smidge, her cheek pressing further into his shirt. "It's about John, my ex."
She waited for a reaction, tense muscles or a sigh. None of that came.
"Oh, yeah?" He said calmly. "What about him?"
"I just wish he were here to see Charlie," she admitted. "Don't get me wrong, I want nothing to do with him and would probably slam that door in his face if he ever had the audacity to show up-" Gordon snorted. "But it isn't fair to Charlie. I know how much he wishes his dad were here."
"Yeah." he did sigh this time but she knew it wasn't out of exasperation or resignation, but a sense of understanding. "I know what you mean."
She traced a finger over his chest. "It's why I'm glad he has you."
"What?" He was surprised and...touched.
"It's not a secret that he adores you, Gordon. You help him in ways I can't and I appreciate that. He needs that male role model so bad and with my dad being gone, I-" She backtracked and started over. "I'm really glad it's you."
He gave a squeeze. "I've never really thought about having kids. I only cared about hockey and then my job...but Charlie was practically mine even before I realized it. I hope you know, Case, that even if what we have doesn't work out, I'll always be there for Charlie. I promise you."
She turned herself over to face him, whilst still laying down on top of him. Her right hand cupped his face, thumb caressing his cheek. "I don't know how I found the perfect man."
"I'm far from perfect, Casey," he said softly.
"You know what I mean," She brushed some of his hair away from his face. "You like me, you like my son and you make a pretty good apple pie." She felt his body tremble when he laughed. "I'm serious. You're perfect in my eyes."
It wasn't easy to go from being single to seeing someone for the first time in years. She was guarded. She had walls built up and a sense of nervousness about getting out there again. She knew one day it would happen. She'd been using Charlie as a crutch, her reason why she couldn't care about her romantic life. But Charlie was getting older. And maybe, it didn't all have to do with him. Maybe her fear was that she didn't want to be alone again; didn't want to go through the same scenario.
Maybe she was just scared.
What if she met a man but he was put off by her being a single mother? Not everyone was interested in dating someone with kids or they might be more interested in a casual fling. She couldn't do that with Charlie around. She needed someone who was stable, someone who cared about both of them. She didn't think she'd ever find that someone.
And then she met Gordon.
Well, it wasn't exactly love at first sight, but over time she was able to get to know the real Gordon Bombay, the sweetheart underneath all that sarcasm and past baggage. She met a man who was able to show her what it was like to feel whole again. That was something she'd yearned for, something she now had thanks to this beautiful man.
"You think too much of me."
"Maybe," Casey stared into those gorgeous blue eyes she adored so much, "you don't think enough of yourself."
Their eyes stared into one another until that staring made them lean in. Her head tilted and their soft lips met. It was slow and then it grew. It was controlled yet that didn't extinguish any of the passion that came from both of them. When they parted, their faces remained inches apart.
"I'm not gonna hurt you, Casey," Gordon whispered with their foreheads touching. "That's a promise."
Out came the little girl inside of Casey, the little girl who dreamed of getting that happily ever after with her prince charming. She didn't know what was going to come of this, didn't know what the future held for them.
But one thing she did know for certain was that it was suddenly a lot brighter with Gordon by her side.
