The breakfast with the team was, without a doubt, one of the most awkward meals they've ever had in the firehouse. Which was saying a lot. A thick silence hung over them, one that nobody knew how to breach. Buck supposed it was up to him to break it, but he couldn't even muster up the courage to look at his crewmates. He'd let his family down, allowing the comments from a girl he wouldn't even call his friend to get under his skin and mess with his head. Buck had let his insecurity get the better of him, and for that, he was ashamed.
The sound of cutlery and the hustle and bustle of the other firefighters getting off shift was the only noise, the din never sounded so loud yet muted at the same time. Buck let his mind wander, categorizing every sound that broke the tense quietness that currently engulfed the table. He startled when Bobby cleared his throat, eyes darting up and meeting the captain's.
"Buck, you're not in trouble. You know that, right?" Bobby started, face so open and honest that Buck almost got lost in it.
"I missed family dinner." He stated, thickly.
"You did, and it won't happen again. We just want you here with us kid. If you don't want to talk right now, that's okay, or if you don't want to do it in a group setting, that's also okay. But at some point, we need to know what's going on in that head of yours." Bobby replied.
"I just—" Buck cut himself off. He swallowed around the lump that was forming in his throat, threatening to make his voice hoarse and delay the flow of words. He blinked, attempting to rid himself of the sudden wave of emotion that was encompassing him. He wiped his palms on his thighs, as he leant forward.
"It's okay Buckaroo, take your time." Hen said, her voice low and soothing.
Eddie discreetly bumped Buck's leg with his own, sending him a meaningful look, which Buck appreciated. He knew Eddie would always have his back, and the silent force beside him was a comforting presence, especially since he knew what Buck was going through.
Chimney sent him an encouraging grin, and not so subtle thumbs up. The corner of Buck's mouth twitched upwards in amusement at his friend's antics. It was quickly quelled by his anxiety, and he wiped his hands on his pants once again.
"I had someone say something to me and I guess I spiraled a little." He admitted, cringing at how vague he was being, knowing that as much as his team loved him, there was no way they were going to let him use that as his only explanation. Sooner or later, he'd have to elaborate. If he knew his team as well as he thought he did, it was gonna be happening sooner, not later.
"Okay," Chim drew out, brow furrowed, "who said what to you?"
"Taylor told me that I'm a problem."
"What? That's not true!"
"What gives her the right to say something like that?"
"That's a load of bull."
The other's exclamations of surprise and indignation overlapped one another, to the point where none of their words were decipherable.
"Guys, guys," Buck interrupted, "look, I'm not saying that she was right, but it got me thinking."
"Thinking about what?" Hen asked, quirking an eyebrow at him.
"Oh no, Buck's been thinking, how dangerous." Chim quipped. "I'm joking, I promise." He added on, when Hen smacked his shoulder and Cap had sent him a disapproving glance.
"About the way I treat people, the way I react to things. Yenno, going 'Full Buck' and things like that." He explained.
"You don't give up. You do what you think is best, and you follow your big beautiful heart. Does it lead you to trouble? Sometimes. But that doesn't make you less than, or some sort of problem. It makes you human." She replied.
"Yeah Buck. Everything that has happened lately is because you're torturing yourself with self inflicted shame. You made a mistake, and you're gonna grow from it. If something like this ever happens again, you're gonna come to us," Bobby stressed, "because we're your family, and we've got your back. I never want to see you pull away from us like this again. Am I clear?"
"Yes Cap." Buck meekly responded, ducking his head, barely meeting Bobby's eyes through his lashes.
"Now," Bobby announces, raising his voice for the group to hear him, "we're having team bonding time this weekend, since we're all off. I expect to see you all in my backyard for a barbeque."
Everyone enthusiastically responded, Buck managing a small but genuine smile, and a nod of assent. As they began murmuring and muttering excitedly about finally getting to spend quality time together along with their families, the alarms rang, and they ran to the trucks. As he swung himself up and into his seat, Buck couldn't help but feel like things might actually be beginning to get back to normal. A feeling of contentment settled in his gut, replacing the pit of anxiety that had been accumulating since his disastrous date.
It was the perfect weekend for a barbeque. It was warm, but not stifling. A light breeze rustled through, wafting the delicious scents coming from the grill. Laughter and happy, laid back chatter filled the air. Despite the upbeat atmosphere, dread began to curl in Buck, as he started to second guess himself. He was so ashamed and embarrassed at his actions. He'd avoided his family, both blood and bond, and by extension, he'd hurt Christopher's feelings. Eddie had assured him that he had talked to his son, giving Chris a water downed version of what Buck was going through. He appreciated it, but he still felt incredibly guilty for not thinking about the boy.
"Buck!"
At Christopher's excited cry, Buck stooped down to give him a big hug, burying his face in Chris' small shoulder.
"I'm so sorry Superman." He mumbled into the fabric of his shirt.
"You're gonna be okay." Chris replied, somberly. As they pull apart, Chris gives him the biggest grin, bringing a hand to momentarily cup Buck's cheek. "Come play with us?"
"Yeah. Yeah of course buddy." Buck breathes, relief flooding him.
As he spent time with those who love him, doing a train of apologies, ensuring that everyone who was affected by his recent behavior was apologized to, a weight was lifted from Buck's shoulders. His chest felt lighter, his head less dark. It was as if the recent weeks he'd been swimming through molasses, and he was now back up to speed. The haze of depression and insecurity had thinned considerably.
Maddie had lightly punched his shoulder with a soft, sad, "oh baby brother", before she pulled him into a tight, all encompassing hug. Athena held him in a fiercely protective embrace, muttering about his foolishness, but there was no heat behind her words, just concern and motherly love.
Once the food was done, everyone took their turns loading up plates, the adults sitting in lawn chairs in a horseshoe shape, allowing the kid's table to be in sight. They did their best to distance responsibly. It felt good, normal. Like the past couple weeks didn't change anything in their eyes. Maybe it hadn't. Maybe it just opened their eyes to the side of Buck they hadn't seen before, allowing them to know him better. He was still Buck, and they all loved Buck.
Buck looked over at his friends from beside Christopher and Henry, contentment settling in his bones. He was forgiven, and welcomed back with open arms. Yes, he'd screwed up, but they understood where it stemmed from. He knew he'd need to work on managing his insecurities, and not let them dictate his life in the future. But he had a strong support group, one that wouldn't let him slip away without a fight.
Things were looking up.
