Balancing two kids and anxiety is not an easy task, as Lin learns.
"So how has this past week been?" Chen asked, crossing their legs to rest the pad of paper on their knee.
It was Lin's second in-home appointment with her mind healer since bringing Airi home. She couldn't believe that Airi was almost three weeks old in two days; and it had almost been 2 weeks since returning home. Lin was seated across from the healer in her own armchair, with Airi sleeping in her bassinet nearby. Last week before her first appointment, she had Bumi move two armchairs into her office so that Chen and she could sit comfortably and privately.
Lin ran a hand across her face, a heavy sigh leaving her lips. "It was going fine, till a few days ago. Haru… He hit me." Lin avoided the healer's gaze, looking at the floor as her jaw worked as she tried to organize her thoughts and emotions. She was just barely holding back her tears. "He has never done that before, or at least not on purpose… Since then each day has progressively gotten worse. He is refusing to do things he was able to do independently already… I didn't even know that he knew what a temper tantrum was, he's always been so well behaved even when he was upset." Lin trailed off, her tight throat making it hard to continue.
Chen finished writing a note on their notepad, then they waited a moment before speaking as they monitored the woman in front of them. "What were you doing anytime Haru acted out?"
Lin thought that over. "When he hit me, I had Airi in my arms, feeding her her bottle. He…" Lin looked up with startled realization. "It mostly happens when I am needing to take care of Airi. When she is feeding, changing her, or soothing her when she is upset…" She leant forward, elbows resting on her knees as she put her head in her hands. "How did I not notice the pattern?"
"Lin, the important thing is that you are recognizing this yourself now. It hasn't been going on too long, so this will not affect Haru in the long run. This is a learning curve for all of you. Haru is going to learn to adjust to having to share his time with Airi, just as you and Bumi will need to learn to balance alone time with each child."
Chen paused a moment, before continuing. "Airi's birth was traumatic, and you are acting just as any mother would in wanting to keep her with you at all times. It is normal for the first little while. But it is time to start working on letting others in. This will also give you more time to focus on Haru."
"But I… I yelled at him when he hit me…" Lin fisted her hair, pulling on it in frustration and guilt. "I've never, ever, wanted to raise my voice at him like that. He just scared me. I thought he was going to hit Airi… I swore I wouldn't raise him like I was raised…"
Chen decided to interrupt before Lin could continue. "How long did you spend yelling at him?"
"I-I only yelled his name and 'no!'. I couldn't tell who was more startled." Lin brought one of her hands to cover her eyes, pinching her forehead slightly as if to try and relieve the tension there. "He looked up at me with his big blue eyes, lip trembling, and tears forming. I… I tried to apologize for yelling and explain why hitting was bad, but he shut down and hid behind Bumi… My own child was afraid of me." Lin tried to repress a sob, but a strangled sound was heard.
Chen leant forward and placed a hand on Lin's knee. They waited for the woman to finally look at them before speaking. "Lin, you can't expect to never raise your voice, even to your child. It is nearly impossible to achieve that. It is natural to react the way you did. You did not continue to yell at him, and you attempted to address what happened. Just remember that he is only three. Toddlers don't have all the words to express how they are feeling or even how to react to certain situations.
"He hit you, and has been acting out, because he doesn't know how to voice that he wants your attention too." Chen squeezed Lin's knee. "Good news, is that because he is so young, we can quickly correct the behaviour, and he won't even remember it happening."
Chen pulled back and started writing out a schedule for Lin. When finished Lin accepted the paper. "This is your homework for the week. Firstly, I want you to spend 1 hour alone with Haru. Just the two of you. I suggest getting on his level and doing things he wants to do, like playing with building blocks, or colouring. The second thing is that I want you and Bumi to spend 1 hour with Haru without Airi, each day. This will help reassure him that while things have changed, your bond is still strong.
"Thirdly, I want you to start with at least one other person to start holding Airi. It's great that you are comfortable with Katara and Kya holding her already, but I think it is important to start widening this circle now that you have had a couple weeks to settle back at home. I suggest that we start with trying 30 minutes each day this week, while you are in the room. For the time you spend alone with Haru, Bumi can take care of her alone; it gives him a chance to bond with Airi as well. As for when the three of you are together for your hour, I am sure you can easily have Katara and Kya arrange something between the two of them."
Lin felt her heart squeeze a little in panic at the thought of anyone holding her tiny daughter, but finally nodded shakily. She knew that it would be a good thing for everyone involved, though it might take a bit to get used to.
"Alright. Now let's continue with where we left off last week…"
Lin bit her lip as she anxiously tapped her foot on the ground. Rohan and Haru were in the corner playing with Haru's blocks. Pema had come over with Rohan just after breakfast, as Lin had requested they come. Once they had arrived, Lin had all but shoved Bumi out the door to go to the Island for the first time since they came home almost two weeks ago. "Go, get some more training in. I know you have missed a lot the last few weeks." She had told him. He gave in, not wanting to upset her; with the promise that she would call immediately if she needed something.
"Are you okay Lin?" Pema asked as she set down her tea cup. She took in the slight nervousness she picked up from Lin's body language.
"Wo-" Lin started, but faltered. She cleared her throat and took a deep breath before trying again. "Would you like to hold her?"
Pema raised her brows slightly in surprise. She knew that Lin was struggling with others holding Airi right now, and she couldn't fault her with everything that happened. "Are you sure Lin? I'm happy to wait longer if you aren't comfortable."
"I'm as sure as I will be for now. I'm not ready for others just yet, but…" Lin looked down to take in the sleeping babe in her arms. "But I have grown to view you as one of my closest friends over these last few years. And you… you were with Bumi, supporting him when I couldn't. I can never thank you enough for what you have done for my family."
Pema placed her hand on Lin's shoulder. "Oh Lin, you are one of my closest friends too. I'm glad to call you family as well. There is nowhere I would rather have been during that time." She offered the older woman a smile.
Lin smiled back a small smile, before leaning over to place her daughter in her aunt's arms. She quickly picked up her tea cup to avoid trying to take Airi back too quickly.
"Oh you are just so precious." Pema cooed at the sleeping infant. "She's grown so much in the last three weeks."
"Hmm." Lin agreed with a proud smile. While Airi wasn't that much bigger than she was when she was born, every gram of weight she put on made a difference. Her face had plumped up slightly. Kya expected in another few weeks, she would start looking more like the cherubic faced newborns - like Haru had been.
Lin looked at the clock, noting she had made it two minutes in. She glanced over at the boys, checking to make sure they were fine. Thankfully, Rohan was keeping Haru in a good mood today, and they were having fun building towers, only to knock them down gently with airbending. Lin let a fond smile grace her lips as she watched them a moment longer, before turning back to watch her daughter.
Pema and Lin talked about the kids, and other events happening in the City and on the Island. Pema caught her up on all the latest gossip and news that she got from the various acolytes and airbenders.
"How long do I have left?" Pema asked after catching Lin's eyes drifting to the clock for the fifth time.
"Huh?" Lin asked, though her cheeks dusted pink at being caught.
"By the amount of times you have looked at the clock, I am assuming that you are timing how long I can hold her."
Lin rubbed the back of her neck. "12 minutes."
Pema offered Lin an understanding smile. "Thank you for trusting me with her."
Lin just nodded her head and took up her tea cup again, hands shaking slightly. Before Pema could try and distract Lin with a new topic of conversation, they were interrupted by the boys.
Haru and Rohan seemed to have finally noticed that Lin didn't have Airi in her arms. Lin had just enough time to set her cup down, before both boys descended upon her.
"Come play, Auntie!" Rohan asked, as he pulled on her hand.
"Mama." Was all that Haru said, though he also tugged on her other hand.
She gave in and followed them to where they had been playing. She eased down onto the floor, thankful that the muscle spasms had finally eased off after a few more sessions with Kya last week.
"So what are we building, kiddos?"
"The tallest tower ever!" The boys answered simultaneously.
"Alright, let's see what we can do." She grinned at them and let them tell her where to place the blocks.
Pema watched the three with a fond smile, rocking Airi in her arms slightly. It was good to see Lin with the two boys again, as it felt like it had been a long time since the three were together like this. The two boys had wormed their way into the older woman's heart, and she loved them so fiercely that sometimes Pema felt like she was inferior as a mother.
She noticed after a bit, that the 12 minutes had come and gone, and Lin hadn't noticed as her focus was on the boys. Pema decided to just let them be, and not interrupt their fun.
After a while Airi woke, and started grunting lightly. Pema rocked her again, making soft shushing sounds, but the infant was hungry, and continued to make the sounds.
"Lin? I think Airi would like her next meal." Pema said gently, not wanting to startle them all.
Lin glanced up at the younger woman, and then at the clock. She blinked in shock that she had been playing with the boys for almost 45 minutes, and hadn't felt anxious about not holding Airi that whole time. Though now that she was aware of what happened, the anxiety eased back. Lin swallowed and stood.
"Mama?" Haru looked up at her with wide eyes in confusion.
Lin gave him a reassuring smile. "Give me a little bit, badgermole, and we'll continue playing. Your sister is hungry." She paused for a moment. "Did you want to help me with her?"
Haru tilted his head as he pondered the question. He then nodded. "Yes, Mama."
"Okay, let's go up to the nursery then." Lin ran her hand over his soft curls before turning to Pema. "Thank you." She said softly, grateful that the other woman had recognized how much she had needed that time with the boys. Lin leant down and picked up Airi. "Were you good for your Aunt Pema?" She asked the grunting infant.
"She was, but she is definitely ready for her Mama. Are you okay if Rohan and I left? I thought you may want some time to bond the three of you." Pema asked, standing and placing their empty cups back on the tray with the teapot, intending to take it to the kitchen.
Lin bit her lip, she had not been alone yet with Haru and Airi together and admitted to herself that this made her a little nervous. But she supposed there was no time like the present. "That's fine. I suspect Katara, Zuko, and my Mother will be back soon anyways. Thank you for coming, Pema."
Pema squeezed Lin's arm and patted Haru's head before bidding them goodbye. She ushered Rohan to the kitchen where Lin could hear her quickly cleaning up their dishes from tea.
Lin secured Airi against her shoulder with her one arm, before holding out her other hand for Haru to take. Soon they entered the nursery.
"Hey badgermole, why don't you set this blanket on the ground and I can set your sister on it for a little bit?"
Haru took the blanket she had picked up and held out to him. He did his best to lay it out flat, taking extra time to go to each corner and pull it flat. "All done, Mama! Can I read to sissy?"
"Yes, love. Go grab a book." Lin nodded to him. He ran from the room to his down the hall. While he was gone, Lin gently laid Airi down on the blanket. The infant let out a particularly loud grunt, which made Lin let out a chuckle. "I know, little one. Hopefully in a few weeks you won't have to wait for your meal, hmm?" She caressed the soft cheek before standing and grabbing the pump.
Haru ran back in and laid beside his sister, opening one of his favourite books. Lin watched from the rocking chair as her sweet boy returned to her as he 'read' the story to his baby sister. She all of a sudden remembered that Bumi had left the camera in the nursery when he snuck a picture of Lin and Airi the other night. She was able to quickly grab it and return to her seat without drawing Haru's attention. She quickly snapped a couple pictures, thankful Haru didn't care about the flash of the bulb. 'These will probably be some of my favourite pictures.' Lin thought as she set the camera on the nearby changing table.
One finished pumping, she sat on the floor and picked Airi up. She looked over to her young son. "Do you want to help me feed your sister?"
Haru nodded and carefully climbed onto Lin's lap. She helped him settle, and then helped him hold Airi. As Airi suckled her milk, Lin placed a kiss on Haru's head. "I love you, Haru. I'm sorry Mama's been busy with your sister. I promise that we are going to do things together again too."
"Love you too, Mama." Haru said as he leaned his head back against Lin's chest. After a moment, he leaned forward and placed a kiss on Airi's head. "Love you too, sissy!"
Lin sniffed back some tears that clouded her eyes. She managed, just barely, to contain them and just smiled softly as she tried to memorize this moment.
Lin and her two babies were back downstairs getting lunch ready when the three elders returned to the house. Their mothers had been staying at the house with Lin and Bumi since they returned home; Zuko had been staying with his family at the Fire Nation Embassy. The three old friends, though, had been taking advantage of the time together and could usually all be found at Lin and Bumi's house.
"Here, Lin, let me help you." Katara said, bustling into the kitchen.
"I'm fine, I'm just reheating the soup you made the other day." Lin said, waving off her mother-in-law.
"Where's Pema and young Rohan? Did they not come?" Zuko asked as he sat on one of the barstools at the kitchen peninsula.
"They left about an hour or so ago." Lin answered as she lifted the whistling kettle off the stove top. She poured it slowly over the tea leaves in the teapot, taking in the aromas of the tea.
"How was your first time alone with Haru and Airi together?" Katara asked as she settled into the barstool closest to Airi's bassinet.
Lin was glad she was facing away from them, as she couldn't stop the eye roll if she wanted to. She wanted to grumble about all the questions, but decided to push it aside as they only were asking because they cared. "It went fine. Haru was a great big helper. He read Airi a story, and helped give her her bottle."
"No stinky diapers." Haru said, pinching his nose and making a grossed out face from where he sat perched on his Grandma Toph's lap.
"They really do stink, don't they?" Toph said, matching his grossed out face. The others all laughed at their matching expressions, seeing for a moment a huge resemblance between the two.
After lunch, Lin went to take Haru up for his nap/quiet time, leaving Airi with Katara. Lin took the time to read Haru a book and rub his back as he drifted off. "Sleep well, my little badgermole." She kissed his forehead and tucked his blanket around him and his badgermole stuffie.
When she got back downstairs, she found Bumi with the elder benders. Katara still had Airi in her arms, as Bumi was leaning over his mothers shoulders to place a kiss on his daughter's head.
"Hey Boom." Lin greeted him as he moved over to her, once she came into the room.
He gave her a quick kiss. "Hey love. Tenny let me out early. But I'm pretty sure it was more so that he could spend time with Pema since Opal offered to watch the kids." He winked at her.
Lin raised an amused brow at her husband, and allowed him to pull her into one of the armchairs. She sat on his lap, still slightly uncomfortable to be doing this in front of their parents, but she had gotten a little more used to it over the years.
"If you two wanted to sneak away for some time alone while the two children are sleeping, we could watch them." Katara offered.
Lin fidgeted slightly as she contemplated what she had thought after Pema's visit and the subsequent lunch with all three of her parental figures. She stilled as Bumi's hands rested on her hips stopping her unconscious movements. She gave him an apologetic smile, before looking at her mother-in-law.
"Thank you for the offer, and I am sure we will soon take you up on it… But I've been thinking… I-I'd like to have Mom and Uncle Zuko hold Airi."
"Are you sure Lin? I am okay to wait if you aren't comfortable." Zuko said, not knowing that he said almost the exact same words as Pema hours earlier.
"At this moment I am sure." Lin answered, truthfully.
"Maybe we start with 15 minutes each and go from there?" Bumi offered. Lin nodded, as did the others.
Lin wasn't expecting how emotional seeing her mother holding Airi would make her. She quickly wiped away the tears that escaped and grabbed the camera she had brought down with her. Her hands were shaking as she tried to take a picture, but Bumi's hands came up to hold hers steady.
"Wow, she really is tiny." Toph said, her voice tight with emotion. She trailed one weathered and calloused hand over Airi's features, trying to commit them to her memory. "Her face feels similar to how yours did as a baby, Lin. Though your cheeks were a lot pudgier." She paused. "On second thought you were pudgy everywhere."
"Oh Toph." Katara shook her head as Lin rolled her eyes. "Airi should start gaining more of the baby roundness soon."
"What? I'm not wrong!" Toph argued, though quietly, as she actually was mindful of the sleeping infant in her arms. "Lin was easily one of the heftiest babies I ever held."
Zuko chuckled beside Toph, as he peered over her shoulder at the slumbering baby in her arms. "Sorry, Lin, but she is right, you were the biggest of all the kids. Followed by Bumi. Not sure how you two ended up having two of the smallest children of all the kids."
"Ugh." Lin groaned as she placed her head in her.
"Hey, I pushed your big, fat head out of my vagina! I get the right to embarrass you about it." Toph quipped, a smirk on her face. "I hear your eyes rolling from here, Linny."
"Why did we invite her to stay again?" Lin asked quietly to Bumi, as she leant her head back into his chest.
"She has been pretty great with Haru…" Bumi answered.
"Hmmm." Was all Lin replied with.
Toph kissed Airi's head before passing her gently to Zuko. His face instantly became soft as he held the newborn in his arms. He caressed her hand with one of his fingers, and she reflexively gripped his finger with her hand.
Bumi snickered. "At least I am not the only man to become wrapped around her little finger instantly."
"She is stunning, you two. She is going to grow up and be just as intelligent, brave, and kind like you both." Zuko said, not bothering to deny Bumi's remark or his tears that were dripping down his face.
"Tell me he isn't blubbering over the baby." Toph quipped.
"Oh he is." Katara answered. "Just like he did with every baby in this family. The big, tough Fire Lord. Who knew his weakness was babies."
Zuko tried to scowl at their words, but ended up failing, and smiling instead. "Well then it's a good thing no enemies found out my secret while I was Fire Lord, I suppose." They all laughed quietly.
Bumi took the camera from Lin's lap and took a picture of Zuko and his youngest great-niece.
Lin was surprisingly at ease with her mother and uncle holding Airi, so she just settled further into Bumi's arms. She was just content to be in the presence of her remaining 'parents' and soaking in the time she had with them and her young daughter. She knew they wouldn't be around forever, and wanted to just commit this moment to her memory to remember long after they are gone.
