Chapter 1

Thirteen Years Ago

It was pretty here, if he didn't think too long about where he was and why. Big trees in between the rows, flower bushes scattered across the grounds.

She'd loved flowers.

Loved anything that was bright and beautiful. Just like she'd been.

She'd picked this place herself, long before she'd gotten sick. She and his father had wanted to be buried together but she'd died first and now she would be alone. It didn't seem right. Mary Halstead had never been alone. For as long as he could remember she'd had people around her, friends from work and church, other parents from the PTA, all the women around the neighbourhood, young and old, nice and crotchety. Everyone had loved her. They kept saying it, giving their condolences when they saw him in the grocery store or on the street but he barely heard them anymore. They'd be here later. All the people who'd loved her would gather around this spot and watch her body be lowered into the ground, into the hole that wasn't quite big enough yet. The gravediggers had been working for a while but he supposed going by hand was a lot slower; his father hadn't wanted to pay for a machine. Jay didn't know if he thought that was cheap or appreciated- at least these men understood the importance of what they were doing. One of them had come over to chat with him before they'd started, an older fellow who tried to guide him away but he'd declined and eventually he'd given up. They shot a few looks his way, the same ones everyone did but he didn't pay them any attention, just watched them dig as he thought about his mother.

He'd come home three months ago expecting her to greet him at the door with a big hug and a scolding for not telling her when his flight was landing. Instead he'd found his father drinking whiskey alone in the kitchen at one in the afternoon. Instead he'd followed him up the stairs and found her laying in their bed, bundled up in blankets, her face wane and sallow, eyes tired, her normally broad smile suddenly so small.

It hadn't held the same punch when she scolded him.

And then she told him that she was sorry but she'd been keeping something from him. She was sick. Breast cancer. She'd found out a few months after he'd started his second tour but kept it a secret because she hadn't wanted to worry him. Jay understood that, understood her desire to protect him but it still hadn't stopped him from getting into a screaming match with his father or having words with his brother, for blaming him for not doing more. Logically he knew Will had done what he could, flying and even driving into the city every few weeks, which had been difficult considering he'd just started his residency, but it still hadn't felt like enough to him. Nothing did.

He'd never thought about how he would lose his parents, what child did, but he never could have imagined it would be like this. Never expected it would be so soon. He'd had no idea what to do, how to cope, and then one day he got a letter from Tess. Her reply to the one he'd sent right before leaving the base. It had been seven months since he'd seen her and only the second letter they'd exchanged but reading it was the first time he'd laughed in weeks. He'd written back immediately, at first trying to wipe his tears away until finally deciding to let them be. She wouldn't care. He hadn't gotten a response back, probably because she was still in the field, but sometimes Jay could calm himself just by imagining what she would say. She would tell him she was sorry, that she understood, and with her he would believe it. She would tell him to spend as much time with his mom as possible, with his whole family, to make the most out of whatever time they had and even though it was hard whenever he imagined her saying it he could try just a bit harder.

He and his dad put aside their differences, mostly by not discussing them, and when her prognosis got worse and Will finally came home the three had made their mother the entirety of their focus. They'd filled her room with flowers and taken turns sleeping over at the hospital, playing her favourite music and keeping her company; his dad even brought their old photo albums and they'd gone through them all, reminiscing on the past and allowing themselves to grieve what they were going to lose. It had killed him, acting like he was fine when really he was breaking inside. Of course his mom had known and when it was just the two of them he would let her hold him as he cried, memorizing her voice as she told him how proud she was of the man he'd become, how he was smart and funny and strong but that her favourite thing about him was his heart. Those moments had helped more than he would ever be able to express. Having that time to speak with her, to ask questions about her family, her life before him, to tell her all the things he never had before. How he'd broken her favourite lamp when he was nine, which she'd known, and all the times he'd snuck Ali into his room or snuck out and into hers, which she'd also known.

He told her about Tess. How they'd met, what he'd done for her and what she'd done for Selim, how Williams had been taken and she'd come to help him. He told her that he'd given her his necklace and how he was sorry because he knew it had been her fathers but that he'd wanted her to have it. Needed it to keep her safe as it had him. He could still see his mom's smile, feel how tightly she'd squeezed his hand when she said she was glad Tess had it, that she would have liked to meet her but promised to look down and keep an eye on her. His mother had believed in God, in Heaven, and Jay hoped with everything he had that was where she was now. Someplace warm and safe and happy, and surrounded by flowers.

She'd passed away a week ago, with her family around her.

Every day since had been quiet. In the house. In his head. He felt like he barely spoke, barely heard others when they did. His father was spending his time either drinking alone or with one of his buddies while Will double and triple checked that all the necessary arrangements were handled appropriately. Jay didn't think he could handle being there anymore, alone in that silence. It was what had prompted him to come here this morning; he'd just put on his suit and left, and had been here ever since.

At least here the silence wasn't so deafening. And it was pretty.

"Hey Ranger."

Tess.

He would recognize her voice anywhere, soft and steady, low but clear, and his heart gave a sharp tug. She was standing just a foot away, wearing a simple black dress that went to her knees, with the kind of neckline the religious old ladies in his neighbourhood would approve of, her hair half up and her sapphire eyes sad. She made to move but he was faster and pulled her into him before she'd even taken a step, wrapping his arms around her and breathing her in until a violent shudder ran through him.

She was really here, she'd really come- he wasn't alone anymore.

She started making soothing noises and running her fingers through his hair and he slowly relaxed, drinking in the sight of her when she leant back, the love and understanding that filled her gaze. "I know how much this hurts. But you are going to get through it. And you are not alone."

His emotions threatened to overwhelm him until all he could do was nod and tug her back into him, whispering a quiet thank you as he pressed a kiss to the side of her head but after another long minute she pulled away again, this time moving her hands from his neck to hers, to the clasp of her necklace. His necklace. He had to shoot his own up to stop her, wrapping his fingers around hers as she gave him a puzzled look.

"I want you to keep it." His mothers smile was clear in his mind, and so were the words she'd whispered to him after he'd told her about Tess. She seems like a very special girl and if you think she's worth protecting then I promise to look out for her. That his mother had said that... he knew she meant it. And it made him breathe easier to know that the woman who'd meant so much to him would be watching over the one who was coming to mean so much. "She wanted you to keep it."

Tess blinked, her eyes going wide with equal parts sadness and love but she didn't say anything, just nodded and rested her head gently on his chest. They stayed that way for a few minutes and this time when she pulled back he followed, all the way over to a small bench near the parking lot.

"How are you?"

He hated that question but coming from her it didn't bother him. With her Jay knew it was genuine, knew that he could be honest, even if he didn't have an answer. "I don't know. I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this." Her grip on his hand tightened and he squeezed back, slowly sinking back into that lost feeling until,

"My parents didn't have a funeral."

His gaze shot to her but now she was looking out across the lot and he suddenly realized how little he knew of what had happened to them. What she'd been through.

"They were cremated so I took their ashes and scattered them in the ocean by our cabin. We had a wake, but I hated it- I knew everyone meant well but it was just one person after another all saying how wonderful they'd been and how sorry they were for me. I think I lasted thirty minutes before I bolted."

"Where did you go?" His heart warmed as he watched her gently grip his pendant and he felt another tug, the kind he only ever got around her.

"There's a park near where we lived; it's right by the water so I climbed down the rocks until I could feel the spray and I just sat there. After a while my best friends showed up and stayed with me until I was ready to go back. Even though I'd waited a long time there were still so many people and they all went right back to trying to talk to me, so I decided if they were going to talk it was going to be about what I wanted." That was so like her that he couldn't help but smile. "I made them tell stories about my parents, things I'd never known, things I worried if I didn't hear then I never would. That was what I needed."

Tess looked to him at last, her hand falling back down to cup his. "You tell me what you need and we'll do it."

He took in the sincerity on her face and then it was his turn to look away, taking a few steadying breaths as he thought. He may not want this but his mother had. She had chosen this place to be buried in, had picked the people who would be invited, who she wanted to come together to celebrate her life. What he needed was to honour that, honour her.

"Just be here." He said quietly, looking back at Tess. That was all he needed.

"To whatever end."

A wave of relief washed over him and he tugged her into his side, pressing another kiss to the top of her head before he rested his own against it. "To whatever end."

She kept her promise, and stayed on that bench with him for hours.

Sometimes he talked, about his mom, his family, the last few months of his tour- never big discussions, just things that popped into his head, that he wanted her to know or needed to say out loud. How he'd missed her. How he missed the base, craving the routine and normalcy now that home was so different. He told her how he was still angry with his brother and father, how he felt... disconnected from them. Things had been that way with his dad for years, his whole life really but it was something he'd come to accept. Pat Halstead was not the kind of man who was open with his emotions and honestly neither was Jay; one of the few things they had in common. But it had been the exact opposite with Will. Growing up they'd been thick as thieves, always following each other into whatever mischief they got up to, though as the younger sibling he had usually been the one following. Not that he minded- his brother was his hero. But things had changed when Will had left home.

Their mom had been so proud of him for wanting to go to med school. Their dad hadn't.

He'd said real men go straight to work, which wasn't the same argument the old man had used when he enlisted but he'd fought that decision too, saying he was throwing his life away for someone else's war. The pair had fought all summer long and once Will had left in the fall he'd made it a point to return as little as possible, and though they'd tried their best to keep in touch it hadn't been the same and then he'd enlisted and the distance between them had only grown, so much that Jay honestly couldn't remember the last time he'd had a real conversation with his brother.

So talking to Tess, finally letting out everything that had been weighing on him was more cathartic than he'd realized it would be. And when he grew tired of talking she took over, telling him a bit more about what she'd been through, how it would be hard but that he would always carry his mom with him, joking that she knew just how much his 'big, strong Ranger arms' could handle. She talked about her work too, funny stories he knew were meant to keep his mind from wandering and even though sometimes he couldn't help it the sound of her voice always brought him back. But there were also times she said nothing at all, just shifted from where he held her close to his side and pressed a gentle kiss to his shoulder, a silent reminder that no matter what she was there.

Jay didn't know if he would ever be able to express what that meant to him, how much it saved him, but he promised himself he would try.

Sooner than he liked people began to arrive, his dad and brother and aunt giving Tess strange looks as they made their way over, though their confusion quickly turned to shock, and more than a bit of anger from his father as they noticed her necklace. He supposed it was fair; he had told them he'd lost it. He just hadn't wanted to have that fight when he'd come back, not on top of everything else but if they wanted to have it now he would. It was his necklace, given to him by his mother, by her father- they had no right to say what he did with it. Thankfully Will seemed to understand that and gave their dad a few not-so-subtle nudges until he grumbled and looked away, and though he knew Tess had caught the exchange, she was too trained not to have, when he took her hand he felt some of her tension ease. She stayed by his side during the entire ceremony, standing on his left while his father stood on his right, with Will on his other side and Carol beside him, and despite his family's presence, or maybe because of it, she was the only thing that kept him grounded. Especially as the coffin was finally lowered into the ground.

All Jay could see in that moment was his mothers smile, every one she'd ever given him, teasing and loving, laughing, begrudging, sad, even furious. All of her smiles, all bright and beautiful and he knew that even though Tess was right, even though one day he would heal from this he also knew that the world wasn't as good now that those smiles were gone. Tears slid down his cheeks at the thought, at the ache filled him with it and then she brushed another kiss to his shoulder and he almost said to hell with it and let himself fall into her arms but then his father took his hand. Jay looked over in shock but he didn't meet his stare, just reached out and took Will's too and then each of them were squeezing tightly, holding onto each other as they bid farewell to the most beloved member of their family.

For the first time since his mom had died, for the first time in years he felt like they were a family again.

He didn't know how long they stood there but sooner than he liked his father turned and walked away, not even giving a backward glance as he left, both he and Will breathing a quiet sigh of relief as one of his buddies, Joe Wilson, met him halfway. Joe was an old family friend, one of the few people their father trusted, or even liked, and he gave them a small nod before leading him away.

"You need a ride?"

He looked over to see Will staring at him, then to Tess as she let go of his hand, and though he immediately wanted to pull her back he made himself answer instead. "No I drove. You?"

"Aunt Carol." He snorted despite himself and Will smiled; their fathers younger sister was loud and boisterous, the exact opposite of her brother. "I'll see you at home." Will gave them a nod then headed for the parking lot, he and Tess following a few steps behind.

"So... do I need to look for a parachute?"

He drank in the sound of her laugh as she shook her head. "Not this time."

"Good. I guess I don't need to give you the address."

"Nope. I got you fully surveilled." She smiled softly, then gave his arm a gentle squeeze before slowly stepping back. "I'll see you there."

He nodded and watched as she walked over to her own car, a small grey SUV, returning her smile and wave before she hopped inside and then he did the same.

This time the thought of going home wasn't so scary.