Chapter 5

Present Day

That question ran through his mind for the next three and a half hours.

As they confirmed everything Tess had learned with the Brenson sisters, both of whom confessed quickly when shown the mountain of evidence already piled against them, as he wrote up his very brief report and especially as Voight sent them home early, Adam already making plans for everyone to meet up at Molly's later. It was all Jay could think about- even when he tried to focus on something else it lingered at the edges of his mind, teasing him with all the possibilities. Except there weren't that many. Just two. Either he was wrong about what he'd been feeling on and off from Tess throughout the last month or he wasn't. Normally it wouldn't even be something he'd question, something that he'd have to but that mask she wore… it was so good. So much better than it had ever been. And maybe… maybe it wasn't just that it was better.

Maybe she was trying to keep him out, trying to keep some line drawn, even if she didn't know it. It was a very Tess thing to do. Another thought popped into his head, an image, the same one he'd gotten the first night she'd come back, of waves lapping at her cheeks as she struggled to keep her head above water.

Tess would drown if it meant she could save him.

If it could save anyone.

But what was he supposed to do about any of this? What could he do?

If she didn't want to talk to him she wouldn't, he'd learned long ago that he could only push her so far and he wasn't going to force a conversation she didn't want to have, especially when he didn't know what kind of conversation needed to be had. They'd already had a lot. This month had been full of them, not every day but close enough, and though he'd known there were times when she held back he had too. Didn't they have a right to? It was normal to keep some things private, keep them for yourself but… they'd never been like that. He and Tess had always told each other everything, the good, the bad, the dark and twisted and dripping red. Maybe not right away but they had. And maybe that was it. Maybe he just needed to give her more time- it had only been a month for God's sake, thirty-two days out of one thousand nine hundred and sixty-six. If she needed more she could have it, he'd give her anything she wanted but…

What if she didn't want him?

Jay knew that was crazy, he knew that Tess loved him but she'd been through so much and she'd done it all without him and that… that had to leave a mark. Maybe there were things she didn't want to tell him anymore, a level of trust he no longer had.

SQUAWK!

Jesus Christ. He hit the brakes, his heart suddenly thundering in his chest as he stared at the seagull that flapped up from his parking spot to settle on the fence behind it, glaring at him before it began to preen. He fucking hated seagulls. They were the only thing he didn't like about living on the boat, which was going even better than he could have imagined, largely in part because Tess had tricked it out. And because she was there. The thundering calmed at that thought, at the peace that flowed through him every time he parked here; even if she wasn't there when he walked inside he was coming home to her home. Their home.

The bird squawked again and he glared back this time, keeping one eye on it as he slid out from behind the wheel. Those beady eyed mother fuckers liked to swoop and he wasn't in the mood to fend one off.

He just needed to see Tess. He needed to hold her, to remind himself that she was real, she was here, she wasn't going anywhere- even if things weren't going to be the same that would never change. Steadied by that he hurried down the dock, following the tug in his heart and the quiet bass that floated out through the windows, as it always did the music growing softer the closer he got. Surprising her had always been difficult but now it was near impossible, and a part of Jay wasn't sure if he was ready to learn just what kinds of eyes and ears she used. Or just how many she had. He pushed those thoughts back as he opened the door and the sight of her sprawled atop the kitchen island eradicated whatever was left, the calm he'd been chasing finally washing over him. But it was Aelin lying beside her that he directed his attention to, scratching under her chin as she began to purr and stretch out; she seemed to like him, though he had woken a couple times in the middle of the night to find her laying possessively across her owner's neck, her beryl green gaze locked unflinchingly on his.

"You know I don't know if she's influencing you or you're influencing her."

"It's mutual." Tess replied with a grin, tilting her head back as he leant down to give her a kiss, automatically breathing in her vanilla and blackberry scent, which was currently combined with the musky and faintly citrusy smell that was her weed.

It wasn't uncommon for her to smoke, for pleasure or for patience and he trusted her to know her limits but he still liked to check in, especially after a day like today. Things may have gone well, actually he didn't think they could've gone any better but it had still taken an emotional toll on both of them. And if he thought having her guard down might make it easier to get some answers well… he'd take what he could get.

"How're you doing?"

"I'm good. I'm okay." She said with a small shrug, sitting up with all the easy grace of the feline next her as her sapphire eyes ran over him, assessing him with the same soft scrutiny he was sure was in his own stare. "Just needed to clear my head."

That was fair. He did too.

"Do you want- oh."

She quieted half a second before his fingers touched her jaw and he barely had to pull her into him, her body already melting as he guided her mouth to his and Jay took full advantage, using his hands and lips to will more of that, to show her that she could give herself to him, that it was safe, that he would keep her secrets and love her sins. It was the same thing he tried to show her with every kiss, his first, most sacred promise and Jay was more determined than ever to make sure she knew it. That she felt it.

It was the least he could do.

He gave her as much of himself as he could and damn near trembled when Tess gave herself to him in return. Whatever it was he'd been sensing, it wasn't here now. Right now a voice whispered and he wrapped his tongue around hers to push it back, her soft moan echoing through his mind until that was all that was in it. It took a long time until he felt ready to let go and longer still until he actually did but even then he didn't go far, not that he would have been able to with her fingers tangled in his hair, holding his head to hers so closely that her every exhale was his inhale. Still, if there had been a way he could've gotten closer he would have taken it; he could be buried inside her and it still wasn't close enough.

"Better?"

The huskiness in her voice sent shivers down his spine, or maybe that was her nails trailing along the back of his neck but either way he took a moment to soak it in before he straightened, smiling when her legs hooked around his to keep him in place. He was right. Whatever it was he'd felt earlier he wasn't feeling it now.

"Everything's better when you're around. You want to work every case with us?"

And just like that he brought it back.

She laughed but he caught another flicker of that wrongness, sure this time when her eyes tightened, only for a second and then they softened again. "Anytime you need me, I'm there. Especially on cases like this, okay? Call me in every time. But…I'm enjoying being retired. Maybe I will want more one day but right now I am unemployed for the first time in over a decade and I like it. I like having nothing to do every day and I like getting to choose what I do want to do, I like… I like being beholden to no one but me."

Oh.

Well that was fair. And she definitely deserved it. He didn't know anyone who'd fought harder or longer than she had.

Tess had earned as much rest as she wanted.

"I'm glad." He said seriously, sliding his hands down to her waist in a mirror image of how she held him. "And while I will probably take you up on that offer I want you to know I don't care what you do- if you want to sit on the couch all day or take over the world you've got my support. No matter what."

She made a face at the mention of her global domination and though Jay was only half joking he let it go and gave her another kiss, quick this time before he stepped away to deal with his lunch containers; there'd been a brief period when Adam had teased him for the sudden switch from take-out and cold leftovers to proper food but it hadn't lasted long before his friend realized it was a good way to spike the tension in the bullpen. At least his, Hailey's and Vanessa's anyway, but that was enough to get him to back off.

"I gotta say though, today went a lot better than I'd expected. Not that I had any doubts, but I'm still surprised by how… easy it all was."

"Honestly I kind of am too. I wasn't sure what Voight would think about me going into your systems."

"Nah, he got used to that with Mouse. Did I tell you he got the job by hacking into Voight's phone?" He watched in the reflection of the window as Tess grinned and quickly found himself matching it.

"You did but I still enjoy picturing it."

"So do I."

He'd tried for a while to get Greg to join the force with him.

Not just because Jay thought the routine and stability would be good for his friend but because he liked working with him. And because the idea of going back into the field without him had been… daunting to say the least. But even though Mouse was his brother in a lot of ways he was more like Tess- maybe not quite as wary of the government but he too hadn't wanted to continue working under someone else. Hell, he'd never said as much but Jay knew the only reason he'd agreed to even interview for the job in Intelligence was because he'd been worried about him, about how he was doing with Tess gone, with being in a unit he hadn't realized he could trust yet. And Greg had liked it, but even though it had provided the stability he'd needed it had taken Jay a while to realize that it hadn't given him the purpose. Right now only the military could do that.

Tess on the other hand… stability maybe, but routine was not in her vocabulary. She'd loved being an operative. Loved the travel and the crazy hours, all the places she got to explore and the people she got to meet, how every op was different from the one before- even when she was home she could only relax for so long before she started looking for something to keep her busy. Tess needed to work, needed to help people, and even though he wanted that to be with his team he knew he couldn't force it. It had to come naturally, from her and from Voight and the rest of them, though speaking of…

"Seemed like you and Kim had a moment." He said with what he hoped was a subtle glance over his shoulder, watching her nod as she pet Aelin, the feline now standing in her lap with her paws on her chest, clearly enjoying every stroke she was getting.

"Yeah, she came down and sat with me for a bit after you left. You were right- she's definitely an easy favourite. Her and Kevin."

Well that wasn't a surprise. Those two were easily the least problematic members of their unit.

"And where do you rank on that scale?"

Damn.

He was so at ease with Tess that he had a habit of speaking out loud in her presence, though it wouldn't surprise him if she'd just been able to read that on his face.

"I…It varies." Jay said slowly, feeling his cheeks start to warm when she smirked. "Five? Maybe six?"

It probably didn't get past her that he didn't actually clarify how that scale was graded, or that he'd chosen numbers right in the middle of it but as he thought about his place in their team, and all the reasons why he could be considered one of the most problematic his mind turned to someone else who was high up on that list right now, though not through any fault of their own.

"Kevin." He told her when her brows started to furrow, once again accurately reading his change of mood, as minute and as quickly as it had happened.

She never had any trouble reading him.

"What now?"

"IA wants to talk to him again. Go over his story one more time."

Another glance showed Tess shared his frustration with the situation, though none of the uncertainty, and he couldn't help watching her as he started rinsing out his coffee cup. It was clear she was planning what she was going to do if things with Kevin got any worse and though he loved her for it, and knew there was a good chance her help might be needed, he didn't want her to feel like she had to get involved.

"I don't think we're there just yet."

She gave a slow blink and then it was her turn to flush, though she didn't deny or contradict him; the willingness she had to look out for those in need astounded him, never mind the lengths he knew she would go to when it was someone she cared for. And sure, part of the reason she was looking out for Kevin, for their whole unit was because of him but Jay knew that wasn't all of it. She was looking out for them because of who they were on their own, because she saw their strengths and their weaknesses and everything in between. Because she saw them. And when Tess saw something good she did whatever was necessary to protect it.

"I'm glad you're on his side."

"Always."

The smile she gave him must have had its own gravitational pull because he was moving towards her before he even realized it, pulling her across the counter so he could get closer, like her touch was the solution to every problem he had.

And wasn't it?

Wasn't she?

The way he loved Tess, the way she loved him… it was bigger than either of them, bigger than any problem, bigger than… everything. The way they loved each other was everything. It was the kind of love he never used to think existed, the kind that only Tess could have made him believe in and when he looked at her he knew she felt the same way.

"I told Kim."

And though that knowledge didn't stop problems from popping up it definitely made dealing with them a hell of a lot easier. It meant that even as her words stunned him, he'd been expecting them, just not in this moment, they didn't throw him off balance. There was a part of him that wanted to say this was it, this was what had been bothering her and all he had to do was fix it and everything would be okay again. But Jay knew that wasn't true. It wasn't true and more importantly it wasn't fair- he didn't get to write off everything Tess had gone through just because he didn't want to deal with it. He wouldn't do that. Not ever, but especially not with this. Because even without another word he knew exactly what she was talking about, what part of herself, of their story she had shared.

The baby.

It wasn't accurate to call it that but even though she'd only been eleven weeks pregnant when she'd learned of it, and then lost it, he knew that was how Tess thought of it. How they both did. Wasn't that the way it went? No one ever pictured a fetus, those weird, alien-like creatures in the ultrasound pictures. You pictured a baby. Your baby. What it might look like, whose features it might have, who it might become. He'd done it. He'd spent weeks imagining countless different faces, every combination of hair and eyes and smiles. It had been one of the most difficult things he or Tess had ever experienced but they'd gotten each other through it, soothed in part because even though they'd been told it may be more difficult they'd still thought it was an option in the future.

It wasn't now.

Not one he was willing to take anyway.

But just because his mind was settled on the matter didn't mean Tess's was. She was still staring at him, in that way that told him she was more concerned about him and how he felt, not just about that but that she had told Kim. That Kim would tell Adam who'd definitely tell Kevin and then little by little the information would make its way through their team. And yeah, he didn't really love that thought but… he also didn't hate it.

Tess had given him shit for not mentioning what they'd gone through to Adam and Kim when their own pregnancy had ended, a tragic miscarriage in the field where Kim lost the baby but saved a victim's life, and to be honest there wasn't anything she'd said that he hadn't already kicked himself over. Because he had wanted to say something, had wanted to take some of that burden off his friends shoulders he just… he hadn't been able to. The words had stuck in his throat anytime he'd tried and then too much time had passed and he'd had to swallow them. Jay had done a lot of that over the last five years. He was doing it right now, keeping all these thoughts to himself instead of sharing them with the woman in front of him. But in this moment it wasn't his thoughts that mattered- it was hers.

"I figured." He replied quietly, anchoring himself in the warmth of her thighs beneath his palms as he gave her a soft smile. "How did it go?"

"How do you think?"

Okay, maybe his thoughts did matter.

He took a second to compose them, weighing his concerns against her behaviour, her history of always digging herself out against that feeling in his gut and kept his eyes on hers in the hopes he'd be able to see through that mask. "I think it was hard, for both of you. But I don't think it was as hard as either of you thought it would be. And I think, I hope that it helped. And I know you talked about Adam and me."

"Well that's obvious. They both agree you have a very good glower."

Both?

So Adam already knew- or had at least stumbled into part of their conversation. Knowing his friend he'd bet the latter.

"I've put a lot of work into perfecting it."

Her answering smile was bright but he knew there was still pain there. Whether she was feeling it currently he wasn't quite sure but it was there and it was his job to take as much of it as he could, to be the pillar that held her up when the weight grew too heavy for her to bear. He would be that. Whether she wanted him to or not.

"I meant what I said. I don't need to have kids. I don't need to be a dad. If one day we decide that's what we want then we'll do it and I will be happy with however that looks, whether it's adopting a kid or a dozen dogs because that is not what I need. What I need is you. Just you, always you. To whatever end."

He meant it.

He meant it with everything in him and he knew she could see that. But God he prayed she believed it.

Because he couldn't tell if she did. She was still staring at him, so damn softly it hurt and Jay didn't know if he would ever get used to that. To not being able to read her. It had killed him when he'd first started noticing it years ago, when she'd started coming back from her missions harder and colder but even when things between them were rough he'd always been able to get through to her, been able to knock down that wall and rip off that mask but that wasn't so easy to do anymore. He couldn't get in unless she let him and though he wanted to respect that, knew that he had to it meant that all he could do was wait. Wait and trust that his instincts were right, that she would come to him when she was ready. But that didn't mean he couldn't nudge her along.

"Tess…"

"I know." She answered the moment he called her name, like she'd been thinking of him just as intently as he'd been thinking of her, her fingers still just as gentle as they trailed down the side of his face. "I believe you. It's just… it's going to take some time to wrap my head around it."

That was fair. And he would give it to her. But she had asked for time not space so Jay did what he did best and pulled her into him, trusting that the bond between them would solve this too. And he did have to wait a minute but then Tess went from resting in his embrace to clinging to him, her slow breaths as she burrowed into the crook between his neck and shoulder just shaky enough to prove that he'd been right, that she was struggling but was either trying not to be or not to let him see. But that didn't matter now. He didn't need to keep pushing- he just had to let her be, let her use him to calm herself down, to take whatever refuge she needed so she would remember that she always could. So he rubbed his hands across her back to soothe the almost imperceptible tremors that ran through her and kept his own breaths in that steady four beat rhythm she favoured until hers fell into it, stroking her hair until the tension that had built up in her body finally dissipated. But he still didn't let go, just held her close as he asked one last question, the one that had been on his mind ever since she'd shown up at the precinct this morning.

"What did you get from the deli?"

There was a beat of silence and then Tess burst out laughing, the sound a bright contrast to the heaviness that had settled around them and Jay couldn't help but push closer, drinking it in like it was whiskey. Better than.

"Some prosciutto. Chorizo sausages. And a couple steaks."

"What kind of steaks?"

"Ribeye."

He nearly drooled- those were his favourite. "This would be a good night to celebrate. But…"

"You want to marinate them first."

"I do."

She laughed again, her eyes sparkling so much they really did look like gems and for the first time today Jay was sure of what he saw when he looked at her. This was just Tess- soft and sweet and fierce, and unabashedly herself.

"Sausages then? I think they'd go nicely in pasta, with that cream sauce."

"Yeah, that sounds amazing. I'm probably going to have to buy new pants, but it'll be worth it."

"I think you do enough chasing after criminals that the calories will cancel out."

"I don't know- didn't do much running today." He couldn't help tensing, fuck him if he made her upset again but though she rolled her eyes her smile was genuine, her movements light as she finally jumped off the island and although he was hesitant there was one more thing he should mention. Just one, and to be honest he'd be fine with whatever her answer was. "By the way, Adam wanted everyone to meet up at Molly's later- celebrate your genius was how I think he put it. You feel like going?"

Tess paused where she was bent over grabbing a pot and looked over her shoulder, her eyes running over him as she nodded. "Yeah. I do."

She did.

She was better.

He'd made her better.