Chapter 6

Eleven Years Ago

That was the third most awkward meal he'd ever shared with Tess.

One and two had been yesterday and the day before, easily beating out the first times they'd had dinner with each other's families and the first time they'd had one together. Just over three years ago now; they'd been strangers then, but he'd never felt like it.

Not like he did now.

It wasn't that he didn't like having her here. Even if it wasn't how he'd wanted it to happen it still did something to him to see her playing on her phone across from him on the couch or reading her book beside him on the dock while he fished, falling asleep with her tucked against him and waking up with her sprawled on top. It made him feel better, less gut-wrenchingly alone. But it also made him… tense.

Jay loved her, more than he had ever loved anything and he was pretty sure more than he ever would but he could not stop being mad at her.

He tried, God did he fucking try. But he couldn't.

And he didn't know why.

It wasn't like he wanted to be, not like he had when Ben first died, when his rage had been a living, breathing beast inside him; to be honest it was only in the days since she'd arrived that he'd started to really feel like himself again. That he remembered all the reasons his anger was irrational or unjustified, not though knowing made it go away. He'd thought it had, but he'd been wrong. He was so tired of being angry- for almost a month his body had been tight with it, head pounding and stomach twisting and now that he'd finally had a chance to rest he was done with it.

So he was letting it go. Every time it crept up on him he took a breath, held it for as long as it took to separate it from himself, from what was important, and then he let it go. The only problem was he was doing that alone. Well, he didn't see it as a problem but he knew Tess did and just because she hadn't pushed him on it yet didn't mean she wasn't going to. Respecting his space was one thing but she wasn't the type to keep quiet when she knew someone was hurting, especially if that someone was him and she knew all the best buttons to push to get him to snap. But he didn't want to. Talking about this was only going to hurt her, which was just going to hurt him even more and what was the point if he was letting it go?

She might need to talk everything through but Jay didn't.

And he wasn't going to.

He also wasn't going to let her clean up for the third night in a row.

"Hey, I got those."

"It's okay, I got 'em."

"No it's fine, I got it." He made the mistake of moving his dishes out of Tess's reach and got pinned with a look for it, dry and teasing but firm, and not entirely able to hide their own sadness, and slowly brought them back to center.

"Jay. You caught and cooked. I can clean."

"You cooked too."

"I wouldn't call boiling rice cooking. It's pretty easy- for most of us anyway."

Jeez, a guy burns one pot and no one lets him forget it.

Alright, a couple.

Several.

She grinned her victory but even though they were speaking the same and acting the same things between them just felt so wrong that he quickly turned away, and as had become his habit went straight to the whiskey bottle.

Jay didn't know when he'd become this person, the kind of man who drank his problems away instead of facing them but sometimes he wondered if he'd been him all along. Wasn't this what he'd done after his discharge? Tess had been the one to pull him out then. And after his mom. It was how he'd handled things after Knox… after that. His dad was a drinker too. Both his grandfathers. Not that that was an excuse but it pointed to something. Something he wasn't quite ready to face yet.

But he might not have much of a choice because it looked like all the patience Tess had been giving him had at last worn off.

The smile on her lips was small but wicked, and the way she held his stare as she sauntered over to the bottle and filled her own glass was nothing short of defiant. Infuriating. A little at odds with the way she shivered and grimaced as she knocked it back but not enough that he was surprised when she poured herself another.

"So, the way I see it we have three options. We get drunk and pass out, get drunk and fuck, or get drunk and fight. Personally, I think I'm leaning towards the latter."

Jesus Christ.

She didn't waste any fucking time did she?

His blood started to boil at the challenge in her eyes, just like she knew it would and he was so close to throwing something snarky back at her, or himself because personally he liked the second option best but- no. It only took one sharp breath before his mind started to clear, enough that he knew the first thing he had to do was put the whiskey down. If all her options started with getting drunk that was the last thing he was going to do.

"I'm not doing this."

Tess just tilted her head, in that way that made him want to scream. "I think that's the point of a fight. It's not really desired, it's just something that has to happen."

"No, it doesn't. Because we don't have anything to fight about."

He wasn't doing this.

He wasn't going to let her goad him into this, wasn't going to be backed into a corner just because she wanted to have this out. He didn't. He didn't and he wasn't going to.

He'd done enough for her.

Without even realizing it Jay headed for the door, with zero idea where he was planning on going but he'd only just swung it open when she called out again and god damn if her voice didn't stop him like a fucking leash.

"I could have stopped Lonnie. I could have come sooner too but that's easier to forgive. You know that I would have tried, that I would have done anything to get here which just makes you feel worse whenever you look at me, even though this would've happened regardless."

Sometimes he hated that she knew him so well.

That she loved him so well.

"You understand that because you know what it's like to have to follow orders. You know that choosing to be away isn't the same as choosing not to be there. But I did choose not to stop Lonnie. I did that and you don't understand why-"

"It doesn't matter."

He didn't want to do this.

He didn't want-

"Of course it does-"

"No it doesn't!"

The words tore out of him and he hadn't realized he'd moved until Tess was backing up, backing away but like a dam had burst they kept coming and he had no power to stop them.

"It doesn't matter because you didn't do it. You didn't do anything. And yeah, I wanted you to. But do you actually think I like that!? Do you think I want you to perjure yourself for me? You think I could live with myself if you had?! I needed you. And you weren't there. And you're right, I do understand. But you still weren't there. I did what I had to to get through it and now I'm doing what I have to to get past it and I want to do that with you but-"

But what?

Like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over him Jay froze, unable to do anything but stare at the woman across from him.

What fucking line had he just drawn?

What had happened to whatever end?

"Okay."

No. No-

"Tess-"

"Okay."

She just nodded, this tiny little nod that went hand in hand with the quiet defeat in her voice and despite how small it was it broke something in him to hear it.

Because it was so small.

He didn't know what to say, didn't know what the fuck he'd been going to, what threat he'd been ready to issue but he knew that he didn't want to. He didn't ever want to hurt her, he'd been trying not to-

A jolt ran through him as her fingers ghosted over his, so near but so fucking far, she wouldn't even look at him-

"I wouldn't mind a little angry sex."

She flashed the barest smile, fast enough that he couldn't get a read on her, not that he needed much of one to know he'd fucked up but then she was bumping her hip against his and heading over to the couch, taking up her book just like she had the last two nights.

Did that make this the most awkward meal now, or did it not count because they'd finished eating?

Jay didn't know what to do. Hell, he barely knew what he was thinking anymore but he knew… he knew what he needed. He shut the door and shuffled over to join her, hoping she took the blanket he placed over her legs as the apology he meant it to be, and that she knew a better one was coming.

Just as soon as he figured out what the fuck was wrong with him.

Well he'd laid off the whiskey.

It had felt like a slap in the face to Tess to keep drinking after their fight last night but that didn't mean he hadn't had the urge. Actually what he'd really wanted to do was dump the one that had started it down the fucking drain but that had felt like too big a statement so he'd instead he'd drank it, slowly, just like she had, pretending to read their books in silence until it grew dark enough that they could feign tiredness and head to bed. Not like that had been any better. Lying there next her had been torture, like the punishment for how much he'd hurt her was to have her so close and not be able to do a damn thing to fix it.

Things hadn't gotten any better in the morning. Tess had 'slept in' so to give her some space he'd started fishing a little earlier, he only ever caught enough for the day and just threw the rest back, and then she'd returned the favour that afternoon by going off on her own to explore. It wasn't that Jay didn't believe her when she said she wanted to go for a walk without being chased by armed militias, he was sure that was true but it didn't change the fact that they were avoiding each other. Which wasn't something they'd ever done before. It wasn't something he'd ever thought they would do but then here they were.

It was his fault.

That much was obvious, but he still didn't get why he'd done it. Why he was so adamant on keeping her at arms length.

If she was the one doing this?

Who'd come back from an op hurt and upset and refusing to talk to him?

Jay would have lost his damn mind.

But Tess was letting him get away with it. She hadn't pushed him once today, not in the slightest and he had the feeling she wasn't going to again. He had the feeling that was the punishment she was giving herself.

He took a deep breath, then a couple more, then cast his eyes towards the doorway. The biggest downside of sobriety was that he had a harder time falling asleep, and an even harder time staying that way; he was used to her moving about next to him, she was more octopus than ghost but he'd still felt her pulling away from him, shimmying under the covers until she slipped out the foot of the bed. Clearly she hadn't wanted to wake him. She'd been gone a few minutes now, longer than it took to use the washroom or grab a drink of water but he stayed where he was, but when she still didn't return after several more he threw back the covers and went to look for her. The bathroom was empty, as were the kitchen and living room, and the two other bedrooms though it killed him to check, to even consider that she might not want to sleep in the same bed as him.

But that didn't really matter when she wasn't in the cabin.

Fear started creeping up on Jay and he quickly headed back into the main area but- there, out the window. She was on the dock.

Crying.

He could tell by the way she held herself, one arm wrapped around her waist with the other pressed against her mouth, like even out here in the middle of nowhere she couldn't bear to be heard. Couldn't bear to have him hear more likely. His gut wrenched at the thought, at the sight of her breaking in front of him, because of him and all he wanted was to go to her, to drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness but something held him back. Not back, just… in check. Waiting. So he listened to it, still hating himself for every second he watched her cry until slowly she stopped, her hand falling from her lips to wrap around the other as her head tipped back to the sky. It was probably impossible but he swore he could feel the pain that rippled out of her, that she let out, swore his own heart lifted in response.

He'd seen her like this once before.

The night she'd gone to see Selim, the night she'd shown them both exactly who she was. How strong she was.

So much stronger than him.

That was it. That was what he'd been trying not to face. Not that she was stronger than him, but what the cost of that strength was going to be. His first concern was for her, always, but Jay knew it was just fact that whatever Tess was up against she would find a way to overcome it. To come out of it with that wild heart beating just as pure. It.. it was himself he was worried about. Maybe it was because of that strength, or maybe it was some other difference in their character or where life had led them but Tess was the one going off to war. And he was the one who stayed home. And it wasn't that he was so puffed up on his own masculinity he couldn't handle that, or even that he wanted to be out there with her, of course a part of him did and would probably always long to but he'd done his time. He wanted to be here. But that meant that when he needed her… she probably wasn't going to be.

And that fucking sucked.

He didn't know how to accept that, how he was supposed to get through these kinds of things without her.

It wasn't like he had the best track record.

His gaze lifted to where she still stood, like she was just breathing in the world and then in one smooth movement Tess pulled his shirt over her head, his sweats quickly following before she spread her arms and jumped into the river. His heart started racing as she disappeared under the dark water and this time his feet did allow him to move, out the front door and over to the shore and then she surfaced and he backtracked. Just a bit, just over to the tree, just- just so he could watch her for a little while.

They'd never been swimming together before and Jay was kicking himself for wasting the opportunity the last few days because God was she beautiful. She always was, especially when she let herself be free like this but he still didn't think he'd ever seen her like this.

Water really was her element.

She had a grace in it, more than she did on land; he could see it in the way she spun and twirled and dove, her feet sometimes poking up from the waves before she came up for air and did it again. A couple times really testing hers and his control. It wasn't entirely carefree, there were plenty of moments he watched her just tip her head back and breathe, and thanked the bright autumn moon for its spectacular lighting, but that was what made her so inspiring. It didn't matter how hurt Tess was, how bogged down in grief or rage- she was stronger than any of it.

So much stronger.

And so much more perceptive.

"That's either Jay, an axe murderer or a Wendigo and if it's either of the latter you're gonna have a hell of a fight on your hands!"

A laugh burst out of him, the first one he could remember in… he didn't know how long but then she went to climb out and he had to wave for her to stop, hurrying over to the dock until he was staring down at her, a little wary but soft as she stared back and without another thought he dropped. Not to his knees like he'd wanted to earlier but so he could sit cross-legged in front of her, taking in her slicked back hair and the droplets that clung to her shoulders, her sapphire eyes so bright they looked like stars.

He owed this woman so much better than how he'd treated her.

He had acted like it was her fault Lonnie got away with Ben's murder, like she was the one to blame for the state he was in but she wasn't. Tess had done everything she could, everything she had promised. She had said that she would come when she was able and that was exactly what she'd done. She had said that she would help him and that was exactly what she'd tried to do, what she still was trying to do and instead of letting her he was punishing her. For what? Not coming when it was convenient for him?

He owed her better and God as his fucking witness if he had to pry his own jaw open he would give it to her.

"I let Lonnie live for you. I wanted to do it for myself, to… find the kind of mercy in me that you have but I couldn't. I don't have it. So I did it for you. And I thought that meant that you had to show up and fix everything that came after so that... so that I wouldn't have to. And that wasn't fair, I had no right to put that on you-"

"And I had no right to push you."

"The hell you didn't." The words came out a lot more forceful than he'd meant them to and Jay flushed, taking a moment to get himself under control before he continued. "I- I need you to push me. Which probably isn't fair to put on you either."

"I don't mind."

The smile Tess gave him was shy but sweet and he automatically leant in as she swam closer, like the fire inside him was soothed by her gentle waves.

"Maybe sometimes you do need a push. But you told me, very clearly, that you weren't ready to have that conversation and I pushed it anyway and that is not okay. You set a boundary-"

"That wasn't a boundary that was..." He didn't even want to think about what that had been. About what he'd been about to break. "I don't want boundaries with you."

"I don't think that's healthy." Tess replied softly, and for a moment they just stared at each other.

She was right, of course. It wasn't- and he refused to keep allowing himself to indulge in, to hide behind whiskey and anger and his own shitty attitude instead of dealing with his problems.

He was better than that.

But…

"I'm not as strong as you." He lifted a hand when she went to cut him off, those bright eyes suddenly fierce. "I'm not. Being open, it comes naturally to you but to me it… doesn't. I need you for that. I need you… I need you more than you need me."

Her head shook, almost violently and this time she swam right up to him and when her hands pushed against the dock he met her, unsurprised but grateful for the strength in her grip.

"It is not more. It's- it's different. But it's not more."

Jesus she was fierce.

Beautiful and soft and fucking fierce. And adamant. So much so that Jay just kind of had to believe her. And the longer he held her stare the more he started to, until slowly that ferocity softened and her chin came to rest on their clasped hands, her face going quiet and contemplative until a new kind of certainty took over.

"Maybe… maybe we get through being apart by being together. We learn how to take care of ourselves the way the other would take care of us. We teach each other."

That was so… simple.

And right.

And as sure as Jay knew anything, he knew he could do that.

He could learn anything if she was his teacher.

Like an actual weight had been lifted off his chest he felt himself loose a full breath for the first time in weeks, and though his shoulders relaxed he swore he stood taller.

Well, sat straighter.

"Are you offering me swimming lessons?"

Tess's lips broke into a wide smile and he only had a second to catch the glint in her eyes before she gave a sharp yank on their hands and pulled him headfirst into the water beside her. It was cold but also light, and the second it wrapped around him he understood why she'd jumped in; it felt good. Cleansing. She was waiting for him when he surfaced and when he opened his arms she swam right into them, her legs wrapping around his waist as her fingers ran through the hair at the back of his neck.

"You know, I would have taken these off." He joked with a look down at his clothes- he didn't actually care that they were wet, only that he couldn't feel her half as well as he would have liked.

"Don't worry. We will."

Jay let out another laugh and tugged her closer for a kiss, the first proper one they'd had since she'd arrived, the first one they'd had since she had left five months ago and he melted into it, holding onto her tightly as they each took and gave the comfort they needed, for so long he almost forgot anything had been wrong in the first place. But eventually they broke apart and he saw how much pain was still behind her eyes, how much guilt, and it all came rushing back.

And he knew now it was her time to speak.

"You don't have to-" She just tilted her head and he quieted, running a hand down her hair like he could soothe all her troubles away.

He hated that he was the cause of them.

"I did want to stop Lonnie. I was going to. When I realized what they had wasn't enough but all the tests had already been run and if one of the results changed…"

The first person they would have suspected would have been him.

Even if they couldn't prove it, that might not have mattered. That kind of allegation against him when he was only a few months out of the academy… it would have followed him the rest of his career. He hadn't cared about that the night he'd almost killed Lonnie, but that was why he'd called her. He knew she'd look out for him.

She always did.

"I'm such an asshole."

Tess huffed a pained laugh and pressed her forehead against his, and the way her thumbs brushed over his cheeks sent an ache through his heart. "Lesson number one? Self-hatred isn't honorable. It isn't admirable. It's just… it's bullshit. It's useless. So when you feel it-"

"Jump in the nearest body of water?"

"That's one way to handle it. But more importantly? Remember that you're loved. By people who know you, who love you better than you love yourself. So trust those people. Rely on them. Open up to them, even if it's scary, even if you have no idea what to say- those are the times it matters most okay?"

His throat was too thick to speak so he nodded, feeling like her gaze pierced straight to the heart of him. And when she continued he knew it did.

"And remember that it's not just about you. The more you open up to others, the more they'll open to you. We get through life because of our bonds with others, not despite them. Just think where you'd be if you'd never opened up to me."

Life without Tess?

It was unthinkable.

He pulled her closer like he could banish the notion with her touch and sure enough when she nestled into him it went and all he was left with was thoughts of her.

She was right, that he needed to learn to let his pain go instead of gripping it tight. That he needed to let people in. He'd always been a bit of a lone wolf, but he didn't want to be. He wanted a team, wanted a- a family. And with her teaching him, Jay knew he could get it.

He could do anything.