Chapter 8
Five Years Ago
It probably wasn't a good thing he couldn't feel the cold anymore.
Scratch that, it definitely wasn't a good thing but Jay was having a hard time bringing himself to care. He was having a hard time caring about much of anything right now, which was exactly the opposite of how he'd thought he would feel.
Lonnie Rodiger was dead.
Murdered by his own father five days ago.
He was still struggling to wrap his head around that, that the man who had fought the hardest to defend his son's innocence had been the one to kill him for his crimes. Sure it had been in a moment of passion, more like a fit of rage when he finally realized the truth but still no one could deny there'd been something intentional about it- Phil Rodiger owned a gun but he hadn't used it. Hadn't used a knife or a blunt object, the most common household weapons. He'd used a belt. His belt. He had strangled his son just like Lonnie had strangled Ben and the other boys.
Had he looked in his eyes as he'd done it?
What must he have been thinking?
What had Lonnie thought, lying there being murdered by his own father?
Jay never expected he would feel even an ounce of pity for the man, not that he'd been one but still…
And he thought he had a fucked-up relationship with his dad.
His snort of derision echoed through the otherwise silent graveyard and he quickly quieted himself, frowning as he glanced at the tombstone beside him. He thought he'd feel vindicated when the truth came out, when everything he'd been saying for years was proven right, especially now everyone knew he wasn't the one responsible for Lonnie's death. But instead all he felt was… he didn't know.
Not cold.
That was about as far as he'd gotten and considering he'd been sitting here for an hour it wasn't very far.
He held back a sigh and flexed the fingers in his right hand, then his left, then shot another frown at the empty beer can between them. It couldn't be denied that he'd done a lot of drinking over this, a lot more than he was proud of but this was the first time he'd ever brought anything here. Cemeteries were sacred ground. Sad and sometimes creepy ground, but still sacred. Especially the one that held his mother. But something about it had seemed right tonight. It hadn't been the way he'd imagined but Ben had at least some form of justice now. And if he'd lived he would have been fifteen. He would have had a beer before, maybe even with him. Even though he and Ali had only dated for two years back in high school her family had always been good to him, always welcomed him and wanted to know what he was up to, how he was doing. Ali had been out of state when he'd graduated from the police academy this spring but Danny and Gail had come. So had Ben.
He'd made him a card, a couple stick figures in blue fighting off the bad guys.
So no, it wasn't how he'd imagined it and it sure as hell wasn't how he'd wanted it but if this was the only way he could share a beer with the kid then Jay would take it.
Maybe he'd come back in a couple years on his 18th birthday. Make it official.
Maybe he should get out of here.
He wasn't doing Ben or anyone else any good sitting here lamenting the past, but he didn't know where to go. What to do.
What would Tess say?
That was easy. First she'd laugh at his use of the word lamenting and then she'd tell him to get somewhere warm and eat something comforting, and even if she wasn't there somehow the mess inside his head would start making sense. It always did with her. Something niggled at the back of his mind followed by a tug in his heart and as if he'd summoned her with his thoughts he looked up and there she was; she stood just a few plots back, a tender if not slightly startled look on her face, like she hadn't expected him to catch her watching. There was something almost guilty about it too, though he didn't understand-
God damnit.
She wasn't wearing a jacket.
She was wearing a hoodie, one of his he was pretty sure but it was not a jacket.
She started grinning before he'd even finished standing, holding out her arms for him to slip his own coat over her and as soon as Jay had her bundled up he took the comfort he'd been aching for. There wasn't anything better than one of Tess's hugs and he drank it in, the way her sweet vanilla scent mingled with the tart blackberry and the way her breaths huffed against the hollow in his throat, the feel of her beneath his hands, which wandered only slightly, just enough to make sure she wasn't hurt, the regular scrapes and bruises not withstanding. Alright, and maybe a little more. It had been a few months since he'd seen her after all. Sooner than he liked she was pulling away but he didn't let her go far, just into his side and though he caught her glancing back as he led them away she didn't say anything and neither did he. The pain wasn't gone but it didn't feel so hard to leave anymore.
He even found himself chuckling as they came to his truck and he went to get his keys, difficult to do when they were in his jacket pocket and she was flapping her arms about. Not at him he realized quickly but at the taxi that was idling across the way. One of her taxis. Because only Tess could have formed a network of cabbies so devoted they answered her every call.
His girl could make friends anywhere.
"Is that Tahir?" He asked as the car finally drove away, evidently satisfied she wasn't going to freeze, quickly grabbing the keys once she'd stilled and tossing them her way as she shook her head; he didn't feel like driving right now, not because he felt inebriated in any way he just… he wanted someone to take care of him. Wanted her to.
"Serkan."
Ah. He'd met the man a few times, a recent immigrant from Turkey. He was funny- and kind. It didn't surprise Jay that he'd waited to make sure she was alright, and it made him feel better to be reminded that she had more people looking out for her. As hard as he found it to share her sometimes she deserved as big a family as she could get.
He couldn't stop thinking about that as they hopped in his truck, about what she deserved and why, especially when he spotted her knapsack in the backseat. "Did you just get in?"
Why was he even asking?
He already knew the answer, it just… it hit him sometimes. How much she looked out for him. How much she would do for him. This world was fucked up but if there was one thing Jay knew, one thing he could always believe in it was her.
And when she looked at him he swore Tess was thinking the same thing.
"Your bed or mine?"
"Yours."
She smiled and nodded, sapphire eyes soft and bright as she tossed her phone into his lap. "Okay, but you need to order room service. I'm starving."
It was weird to Jay that it wasn't really weird anymore that he considered this hotel Tess's home. Well, home might be a bit of a stretch. But he did consider it hers. And she did too. It was clear in the familiarity with which she walked into the lobby, the smiles she gave to the bellboys and front desk staff and the ones they sent back, to her and to him, though they weren't quite as used to his presence.
How long had she been staying here now?
A year? Year and a half?
Not consistently obviously, only when she was home from her ops but still… was that really only as long as it had been since things between them had changed?
It felt like a lot longer to him. Sometimes Jay couldn't believe they'd ever gotten to this place, to the place where they had their own places, even if half the time they did still end up staying with the other. He didn't like it. He could live with it, and he understood that in some ways it had been necessary, but he still didn't fucking like it. Not one bit.
It just… it had needed to happen, right?
He'd always thought they'd done such a good job at long distance, it was all they'd ever known and they'd made it work but the last few years things had just… they'd gotten so much harder. It started after he joined Organized Crime. When he started going undercover more often, on longer and longer stints; there'd definitely been a few times he and Tess had texted each other during those deeper investigations, and once where she actually surprised him at his UC apartment, but only because it had been her last night and they would have missed each other for another few months otherwise. But for the most part she'd been adamant about respecting his space to work, just like he'd always done for her. But that was part of the problem. She was away too. And her own missions had been lasting longer, and the time between them growing shorter, to the point where he'd been getting genuinely fearful that she was going off so unrested it was going to cause some fatal accident. Although, that wasn't entirely a new worry.
And still all of that was something they could handle, something they had been but when the brief time they spent together started to hurt more than the time apart… that was when they knew something had to change. So they'd taken a step back. Just to let go of some of the expectations, to give themselves room to breathe.
And it worked. It had taken a little while to find their balance again but they had, and if he was honest there wasn't really that much about them that could change. They were who they were, to themselves and to each other. This, now, it was just a phase, it wasn't going to last. They'd grown apart, sure, but as was their way in doing so they'd also grown even closer. And his schedule hadn't exactly calmed down now that he was in Intelligence but at least he wasn't undercover anymore. And this was the fourth time she'd been home this year. Maybe things were slowing down for her too.
Maybe things were looking up.
"I love you."
The same assertation was on the tip of his tongue but before he could voice it Jay caught an embarrassed chuckle and realized they'd stepped off the elevator, and that one of the room service boys, Ben, was just stepping out of a room down the hall. Tess's considering the genuine appreciation in her voice, which had him huffing his own laugh.
The only thing she loved more than her family and her work was her food.
And she was just as fierce about it.
"Everything is set up in the living room. I um, we had a dessert that wasn't made properly, an allergy thing, so I brought it up for you. It's the wild berry tart." The younger man stammered and flushed his way through his sentence, the pink on his cheeks growing when Tess grinned though to his credit, at least in Jay's opinion, he put his hands up when she took out her wallet. "You really don't have to do that."
"Ben. A beautiful, mysterious, rich woman is giving you cash. Take it." Tess wiggled the bill, a fifty, until the boy did as told, his face now a very bright red as he mumbled a thank you and rushed off, though not without glancing back at her.
Several times.
"You know he has a crush on you." He teased, though he couldn't exactly blame the kid. Who wouldn't?
"No he doesn't- he's just shy. He's a sweet kid."
Jay made a noncommittal noise in response, raising his brows when she rolled her eyes as she motioned him into the room but once they walked in the smell was so inviting he forgot what they'd been talking about. He accepted her offer to borrow a pair of sweats, which he already knew would be his, then poured them some wine and took in the cityscape while she had a quick shower and changed, and then they all but collapsed on the couch to devour their meals. Even with everything they'd ordered it didn't take them long to finish, a burger and fries for him, dumplings and pot roast for her, she'd put the tart Ben had brought and the crème brulé he'd ordered for her in the mini fridge for a midnight snack, and then they all but collapsed against each other. The positions they fell into were instant and automatic, her legs across his lap as she lay back against the cushions while his arms wrapped around her thighs and cradled her close, his fingers trailing along them as instinctively as hers gently massaged his right knee, the one that still twinged if he pushed it too hard. Or if he was out in the cold or the rain for too long, like he had been tonight.
It was his hoodie she was wearing.
If he was right it was one of the first he'd given her, and it was getting raggedy. There was a hole in the sleeve near the cuff, probably from where she rubbed her thumbs against it when she tucked them inside and another on the seam that looked like she'd snagged it against something then tried to sew it back up. And then snagged it on something else.
He should get her another.
It wasn't like she couldn't afford her own but he knew how much she liked wearing his and he liked that she did. That even if it was small, a piece of him was always with her. That was true anyway and his eyes wandered up to the pendant resting on her chest, and the words that stared back at him. Protect her in battle. God, if Jay wanted nothing else he wanted that. Just for her to be safe. Even… even if it wasn't him she came home to, he just needed to know that she would.
That was the only thing that mattered.
Jeez, he was really a barrel of laughs tonight.
Was that the saying? A barrel? Or was it a bushel? Or a basket?
Tess would-
Tess was watching him. Her sapphire eyes were soft but tired, and just a little more than just a little sad, but he couldn't tell how much of that was for him and how much was her own.
He always used to be able to tell, but that was getting harder too.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
It was for him.
At least right now.
Did he?
It only took him half a breath to know the answer was yes but it took several more to sort through what it was he needed to say, and even though it still didn't come out totally coherent he knew Tess knew how to translate. "I think I feel better. And I don't think that I should, but I do. I don't like the way it happened, it was- it was fucked up to begin with and now it's even more fucked up, in ways that I don't want to think about even though I can't fucking stop, but I'm glad. I'm glad Lonnie is dead. That he can't hurt anyone else. That I… that I was right."
That last part came out as a whisper, not because he feared any kind of condemnation from her but because… She would call it superstition but Jay did think there was some kind of judgement people had to face. Maybe it wasn't God the way most people thought of him, the way the priests in church had described him when he was a kid but he believed that there was something. And he didn't particularly want to piss that thing off. But before he could dwell on it for too long there was a tugging at his fingers and his attention shot back to her, to the heartrendingly beautiful look of sorrow and compassion on her face. He could drown in that look.
"You were right. And I'm sorry it took so long for that to come to light. I'm sorry… It is one of my biggest regrets that I didn't stop him when I had the chance."
Fuck. That.
Jay held her stare as he leaned over, and though Tess scrunched up her nose she didn't stop him from flicking her in the forehead.
It was something they'd started doing- God, he didn't even know when. Years ago. When they didn't like what the other person was saying but still knew it was a valid thing to feel. Most of the time they did it softly, the way he'd done just now but sometimes they went a little harder, a physical reminder that they weren't responsible for half as much as they liked to think they were. But verbal ones worked good too.
"It wasn't on you to stop him. And… I don't think it was on me either. We did what we could."
Jay, after everything you have done for this family… If you need me to confess, I will.
He had done a lot. Literally everything he could, within the bounds of his integrity anyway and even that had come close.
So then why did that still burn?
"Jay?"
There was a lot more concern in her eyes now, still all for him, and one of her hands was holding his, the rhythmic brush of her thumb much more soothing to lose himself to. "I went to see Danny, after I was suspended. I thought he might've… but he thought I had. Actually, I don't know if he did but he… he offered to take the fall for it. For me."
Tess was quiet for a long moment, and then she let out a heavy sigh and pulled herself upright. "You are not going to like this, but I think that is one of the highest compliments you could receive. I mean it."
"I thought you weren't a fan of vicarious redemption." He teased, his hand automatically slipping behind her back to draw her closer- she'd made her opinions on religion clear a long time ago, as evident by the finger she pointed in his face.
"First of all, I'm not. It is weird and creepy and immoral. Second, that's not what this is. Danny offered to take the consequences, not the responsibility. That's totally different."
Well he couldn't really argue with that. And she grinned like she knew it, though it didn't take long for her face to soften again.
"You had a lot of people helping you through this."
Yeah. He had.
It wasn't surprising that she knew Antonio and Olinsky had intervened on his behalf, less surprising than it was that they had, at least Olinksy anyway, but still-
"Stalker."
Her face broke out into another wide grin. "In ways you will never know."
God he loved her.
What would he do without her?
He didn't ever want to find out.
Like a charge lit the air he became very aware of how close they were, of all the places their bodies touched, the bare skin of her legs beneath his hands and the way hers pressed against his chest; could she feel his heart pounding? The way her breath began to quicken he knew she could and it was all he could do to stop from surging forward and taking her mouth. It wasn't that he thought she wouldn't want him to- quite the opposite. He knew the way Tess responded to him, the desire that ran deep between both of them, that had ever since they'd first allowed themselves to cross that line. But… there was a new line now. It wasn't like they hadn't been together since things had changed but they did try to keep some distance, to make it easier when they had to say goodbye, had to spend all those nights alone. But was it?
Was anything easier when they weren't together?
It looked like Tess was having the same debate and they must've come to the same conclusion because as one they locked eyes, and when their lips met Jay knew there wasn't anything in his life, anything in the world that could be easier without her.
In one smooth motion he stood, suddenly ravenous as he swallowed her little laugh when he carried her into the bedroom. It wasn't the girlish giggle she used to give, the one when intimacy was still new to her but it warmed his heart just as much and he sought another as he dropped her onto the comforter, taking that one too before he wrapped his arms around her. There wasn't one inch of her body he didn't know and he was already planning how he wanted to worship it tonight so when Tess broke away to catch her breath he started by moving to her neck and then across her chest, sliding his hoodie down her arms as he went, and then her shorts down her legs when he moved lower. Her own hands ran across his back and shoulders, her nail scraping with just enough pressure and possession that he quickly felt himself hardening, especially when she grabbed his head and brought his mouth back to hers; it was a wild mix of emotions that rushed through them, desire and need hot at the forefront but beneath was the steady current of them. No matter what happened, that never changed.
They never changed.
Jay got her undressed as quickly as he could, and then himself when she insisted on it, and then he went back to trailing his lips all over her. Soft and gentle at first then harder, flicking his tongue over her nipples and then dragging his teeth across them, delighting in every moan he pulled from her. And she drew just as many from him, running her hands down his arms and across his chest and rolling her hips against his, rolling atop him with the sexiest little growl when she grew impatient.
"Hey- I was doing something."
"You were taking too long." Tess breathed, shooting him a sultry smirk before she took her turn to make her way across his body.
She didn't take as long as he had but she was just as thorough, and even more teasing, grinding her core against him and then pulling away, over and over and just when he thought he would burst she took him in her hand, using the other press down on his hip and as if that hadn't been enough her eyes pinned him, making it very clear what she wanted him to do. And Jay didn't mind obliging- she'd taught him to enjoy giving up control almost as much as he enjoyed taking it, that there was a special kind of pleasure that came with letting someone else take care of you. So when her tongue swirled over the head of his cock he slid his hands in her hair and settled back against the bed, eager to receive whatever she wanted to give him. He needed this. This sense of love, of purpose, of home and hope.
Tess was his hope. She was-
She was fucking good with her tongue. All his other thoughts drifted away until the only thing he could focus on was how good her mouth felt around him, flicking his tip and sucking him deep down her throat, one her of hands still holding his hip in place while the other trailed up and down his thigh, lightly scraping her nails against his skin until his toes started to curl. He was so hard it hurt, the best, sweetest kind of pain and then she cupped his balls, squeezing firmly in time with her tongues strokes and he nearly came. Part of him didn't want to, wanted to save himself until he was buried inside her tight little pussy but then she started sucking harder, bobbing her head faster as she hummed and the vibrations combined with all the other sensations pushed him over the edge. Jay came hard, thrusting up into her mouth until he was spent, until her pleased chuckle reached his mind where it was floating above him and though it took a minute until he got his arms to work as soon as he could he was pulling her into them, rolling back atop her as he nuzzled into her neck.
"My turn."
He felt her smile against his cheek and pulled back to take it in, the soft, mischievous and teasing tilt to her lips that matched the glint in her eyes. "Feast away."
Oh, he was going to.
He smothered her little laugh with a hard kiss, waiting until it turned into a moan before he moved lower. He went faster this time but not so much that he didn't enjoy peppering more kisses across her chest and sucking her nipples back into his mouth, swirling his tongue over the pert buds in that way that had her arching her back as she silently asked for more. But he didn't want silent. He wanted her so loud there was no question in anyone's mind that the two people on the 17th floor were meant for each other. And he knew exactly the best way to do that. Trailing more kisses down her stomach he aimed straight for her core and after the quickest tease of warm breath Jay licked a line up her centre, sliding his hands under her thighs to hold them in place as he did it again and again, flicking her clit with every pass until Tess started to writhe beneath him, until she begged for more. And then he gave it to her, using his thumb to rub hard, fast circles against the little nub while his tongue slipped inside her and matched every stroke. It didn't take long before her normally low and soft voice became high-pitched and tight, her hips bucking against his firm grip but he didn't let up, just kept that same steady pace until she shattered beneath him and then he pushed harder, licking up all her sweet juices until he made her cum for a second time.
Now it was her who collapsed back against the bed, her body limp save for the tremors that ran through her so he kissed them away, starting with her thighs and ending with her cheeks, running his hands through her hair and along her sides until she finally opened her eyes. When she did her face broke out into a tired but satisfied smile and he went easily when she pulled him in for a kiss, their arms wrapping around each other as he settled between her legs. He slid his cock inside her in one easy push, right to the hilt, and savoured her low moan as he drew out and pushed in again, enjoying the first few lazy strokes before he began to pump faster; the sound of her moaning his name spurred him on and he quickly picked up his pace, intent on fulfilling that earlier promise of making everyone in this hotel hear her sweet little cries. Jay grabbed her thigh to wrap her leg around his waist so he could drive deeper, so he could hit that spot that made her- yes. Tess threw her head back and started bucking her hips faster and harder, her nails digging into his hip and shoulder like she was trying to pull him deeper so he gave her what she wanted, the only sounds in the room the slap of their skin and their cries as they called out each others name. He loved getting her like this, making her beg for him- she was his. His, his-
"Yours."
His.
He let out a choked groan and put everything he had into making her cum again, making sure she knew he was hers just as much as she was his, angling his pelvis so it grazed her clit with every thrust until he heard her telltale catch of breath and as she finally clenched around him he exploded inside her.
He tried really hard to keep from dropping all his weight onto her as he collapsed, he always did but just like she always did Tess pulled him into her until whatever miniscule space had been between them was gone and all they could feel was each other. It was his favourite feeling. It took a minute or two until he had enough breath and energy to roll over onto his back, bringing her with him and then tugging the blanket atop her so she didn't get cold. They'd have to get under it properly eventually but he knew that once she'd rested for a bit she'd get up to finish the wine and dessert before actually going to sleep so this was good enough for now.
"I love you pretty girl." He whispered gently, smiling when she let out a happy noise and nestled closer.
"Love you too Ranger."
He wasn't one anymore, hadn't been for a long time but Jay didn't ever want the nickname to stop. He was her Ranger, just like she was his girl.
Always.
Fuck.
He hated this.
Nine years later you would think he'd be used to her leaving but he wasn't. Not really. Jay didn't think he ever would be but at least he'd learned how to mask his discomfort and reluctance so that Tess didn't know how much it affected him. Well, she didn't know exactly how much.
She wasn't an idiot.
"Any idea how long this ones gonna last?" He asked, watching as she did a last check of her room.
She'd only been back two weeks before she got the call but at least this time she wouldn't be going alone; he knew she could handle herself, that wasn't ever something he'd doubted but he still slept better when he knew her team was watching her back. And considering she'd spent the majority of these last two weeks in the hotel he felt even better knowing that she'd gotten enough rest. Her and Lydia had even done a big spa day, which had led to them doing a second with Mouse after he heard about it and felt left out. They'd offered to have him join too but he'd been working, but he had gone over later that night to partake in the food and drinks.
For a few hours it had felt like nothing had changed, and Jay had savoured their time together- it was rare now that all four of them were free at the same time, and even when Tess was gone it wasn't as often that he and Mouse saw Lydia. Well, him anyway. He'd have to make a point to stop by and check on her more.
"Couple months?" She replied with a shrug, evidently done with her search. "Maybe a little more, maybe a little less- you know how it is."
He did.
His heart still gave a painful tug when she swung her bag over her shoulder and he forced himself to smile as he stood, not realizing he'd tucked some of her hair behind her ear until he was playing with the errant strands. "Be safe, okay?"
"I always am."
Tess stared at him for a long moment before she burrowed her head in his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist and he quickly grabbed her back, squeezing tightly as he breathed her in. Fuck he loved the way she smelled.
Smelled, smiled, existed.
"You be safe too."
He nodded in response to the muffled demand and pressed a kiss to her head, and as if that was a signal they both pulled back. "Can I walk you down?"
"As opposed to us taking separate elevators?"
Jay rolled his eyes at her smirk and pushed her over to the door, taking one last look around before he followed her out. Hopefully it wouldn't be too long until they were back here.
