Chapter 1
Thirteen Years Ago
He was standing roughly twenty feet from the workers, giving them just enough room to do their jobs while still making it clear he wasn't going anywhere. Someone must have said something to him. Urged him to go and come back later.
When things were ready.
It didn't surprise her that he hadn't listened, just like it didn't surprise her that he was here instead of at home with his father and brother. His last letter had mentioned how tense things were between the three and it didn't seem like it had gotten any better. Not when instead of being with his family Jay was standing alone in a cemetery watching his mothers grave be dug.
Mary Halstead had passed away in the hospital one week ago.
Tess had gotten in from her latest op last night and gone straight to Lydia's, despite the fact that all she'd wanted was to go see him the moment she landed, so excited to finally be in the same city at the same time but it had been late and she'd been jet-lagged so she'd decided to get a good night's sleep and surprise him in the morning. And then she'd found his letter. When she'd finished reading it she had almost said to hell with the late hour and gone to him anyway but she'd had enough sense to know that would've only been to soothe her guilt, but as soon as she'd checked on him this morning and realized where he was she'd been out the door.
Well, almost as soon. She'd given herself thirty minutes to make herself presentable, quickly showering and giving her hair a once over with her curler before slipping into a dress, the one she'd gotten just under a year ago for Luke's funeral. His family was from the South so she'd been sure to get something appropriate, something his old-fashioned Grandmother would approve of, which as his mother explained commenting that 'it was modern but not short enough to be whorish' meant just that. She thought the plain black crepe dress was nice, a little stuffy for her taste with the high neckline and long sleeves but it fit her well and the fabric was soft and light. And though some might think it crude to care about one's appearance at a funeral Tess would take any bit of solace she could get, frivolous or not.
And if she thought about what Jay might think of it... well, she'd take that too.
It had been almost a year since they'd met, seven months since they'd last seen each other, since she'd helped his team and he'd given her his necklace. She hadn't taken it off once. It was a comfort in the field, the now familiar weight a reminder to always keep fighting but sometimes Tess thought she appreciated it even more when she wasn't in danger. In those moments where she struggled to sleep or found herself feeling low, all she had to do was hold it and she didn't feel alone.
They'd only exchanged one other letter in that time, the one he had promised to send after they'd rescued Williams. He'd written about some of the things they'd already talked about, things it seemed he'd forgotten in the moment but still wanted to share and some stories he hadn't yet, like his impression of how it felt to be back on the base, the looks he was getting from the soldiers, from Lochridge and Hutchings and the other lieutenants. He'd said again how grateful he was for her help and asked her to thank her team, which she had, and how he hoped the next time they saw each other it wouldn't be so hectic and short.
She didn't think either of them had expected it would be like this.
According to the letter she'd gotten last night Jay had arrived home from his tour a few months ago to learn that his mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer. More than that she'd known for almost the entirety of his tour and kept it a secret, going through a year of treatments without a word because she hadn't wanted to worry him. He'd been furious. His mother he'd written he understood but he'd expected his father would have told him, and for sure his brother. Instead Will had been away starting his residency in plastic surgery, and though he'd come back every few weeks it hadn't seemed to be enough for Jay.
Tess had hated herself reading that letter. Hated that she hadn't got it in time, hated the tear stains dotting the pages, but most of all she hated that she hadn't been there for him the way he had for her. And this was something she understood, maybe not in circumstance but in feeling. She knew how heavy the loss of a parent weighed, how fragile it made one feel, how alone. And even though Jay wasn't really talking to his brother or his father she was still thankful he had them. Her own experience had been so different- her parents had died suddenly, here one moment and gone the next and though she knew neither situation was enviable she could admit she wished she'd had that extra time, to ask them questions and hear their stories. She hoped it had helped him.
Hoped she could help him too.
She was a few plots back from where he stood, his head hanging low, shoulders slumped, hands tucked in his pockets, just staring at the men as they worked. He hadn't moved in the ten minutes she'd been watching him and Tess decided she had waited long enough.
"Hey Ranger."
If it was possible Jay stilled even further, and when he finally turned her heart broke at the look in his eyes. There was no spring or hunter green, just demoralized grey and then his face crumpled and she couldn't hold herself back anymore. She went to go to him but she barely managed a step before he was yanking her into him so she just held on, breathing him in until his body started to shake and then she ran her fingers through his hair, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck when she felt something wet on her temple. She kept her arms around him but slowly leaned back, just enough so she could look into his eyes. They were so lost, childlike but aged in a way she knew well.
"I know how much this hurts." She whispered, softly brushing her thumb across his cheek. "But you are going to get through it. And you are not alone."
He just stared, his eyes filling with tears before he nodded and brought her back in. "Thank you."
She swore she felt him press a kiss to her hair and gripped him tighter in response, her fingers still running through the hair at the nape of his neck. There wasn't anything she could say to take away his pain but she wanted to show him she was here, that she would do whatever he needed, which meant that as hard as it was for her she needed to give something back to him. She slowly pulled back once more, taking in the sadness still etched on his face, then moved her hands from his neck to hers; she loved his necklace but it had been his mothers and Tess understood how important it was to hold onto those items. But she had barely touched the clasp before his hands were shooting up, his fingers gently wrapping around hers and tugging them down to rest between their chests.
"I want you to keep it." Jay said hoarsely, swallowing as he looked between her and the pendant. "She wanted you to keep it."
He'd told his mother about her?
His mother had liked her?
Enough to be alright with Jay giving her a family heirloom?
Tess didn't think she'd be able to speak past the lump in her throat so she just nodded, unable to help taking in the feel of him as she slid her hands down his chest and gripped his sides, nestling as close as she could get as he cupped her head and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Neither wanted to pull away but after a few more minutes she forced herself to, relief washing over her when he followed as she took his hand and led him away. They stopped at a bench near the parking lot and she gave him a minute to compose himself, waiting until he'd turned to her before she asked the dreaded question.
"How are you?"
"I don't know." Jay said quietly, his eyes dropping as he shook his head. "I don't want to do this. I don't want to be here."
Her heart ached at the pain in his voice and she tightened her grip on his hand. There wasn't anything she could say to change things but there were things she could share that might lighten a bit of the weight on his shoulders.
"My parents didn't have a funeral." She could feel his eyes on her but didn't meet his stare, instead letting herself fall into the memory of that day. Almost a decade ago now. "They were cremated so I took their ashes and scattered them in the ocean by our cabin. We had a wake, but I hated it- I knew everyone meant well but it was just one person after another all saying how wonderful they'd been and how sorry they were for me. I think I lasted thirty minutes before I bolted."
"Where did you go?"
"There's a park near where we lived; it's right by the water so I climbed down the rocks until I could feel the spray and I just sat there. After a while my best friends showed up and stayed with me until I was ready to go back. Even though I'd waited a long time there were still so many people and they all went right back to trying to talk to me, so I decided if they were going to talk it was going to be about what I wanted. I made them tell stories about my parents, things I'd never known, things I worried if I didn't hear then I never would. That was what I needed. You tell me what you need and we'll do it."
Jay took his own turn to look away and she gave him space while he took a few quiet breaths, watching as his shoulders slowly started to straighten. "Just be here." He said at last, his eyes finally back to their usual mossy green as he looked to her.
"To whatever end." Tess promised softly.
A smile graced his face and he tugged her into his side, kissing the top of her head before he leant against her. "To whatever end."
So they sat there. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they didn't, but there was always a comfortable peace between them.
When Jay spoke he never went very in depth and the way he bounced between topics told her he was saying whatever popped into his head but if he wanted to speak she was going to listen. He told her about his mother, how she loved to laugh and garden and make him watch horrible daytime soaps with her, and she could tell he was struggling to understand how to function in a world without her. How to function in his family without her, not just because he was still angry with his brother and father, which he clearly was, but because being away had changed him.
Tess understood that feeling well.
War changed people, usually for the worse, sometimes for the better, but change was change and no matter what you did parts of you were going to get lost along the way.
He told her that he'd missed her, repeating several times how grateful he was that she'd come, and the relief in his voice and the way he gripped her hand told her how much he meant it. How alone he must have been feeling. She didn't know much about his relationship with his family, despite how close they felt this was only the third time they'd been together, but it seemed complicated to say the least, especially now that the woman who'd held them all together was gone. From the way he spoke it was obvious Jay had been the closest with his mother but she got the impression it was a different story with his father, though thankfully that didn't seem to be the case between the brothers. Everything he'd told her indicated that the two had been thick as thieves right until their teenage years, until Will had gone off to school and then Jay into the military. It was understandable they'd become distant but Tess hoped that as awful as this situation was it could help to bring them a little closer.
When he wasn't talking, when he fell silent and that heaviness started to settle over him once more she took over. She told him more about what it had been like for her when her parents died and shared some of the ways she'd coped, emphasizing that it wasn't something to get over but rather get through, that much like he'd once told her he would never be the same but he could still carry her with him. His small chuckle when she joked about her own personal experience in his arms made her heart clench so tightly she thought it would crack. Sometimes she talked about work, nothing serious but a few funny stories, like when Vivienne had 'accidentally' tripped her into a fountain in Rome or when they'd been in Thailand and she'd spat the tapioca pearls in her bubble tea at her from across a courtyard, accidentally hitting the target they were there to survey. Or how just last week she had ordered lunch and gotten everything so ridiculously spicy that even Nysa and John had difficulty getting the food down.
She wasn't always sure Jay was listening, sometimes he laughed too late, in the wrong spot in a story or not at all but he seemed steadied by the sound of her voice so she kept going. But there were also times she didn't say anything, just kissed his shoulder and hoped it was enough to remind him he wasn't alone.
They stayed there until cars started to fill the lot and then stood to greet his father and brother, and the woman behind them that she guessed to be their aunt. All of them stared at her in confusion before the men looked to Jay in unison, twin looks of shock on their faces. Shock and anger, at least in his fathers' eyes; not at her per se but because it was his wife's necklace around her neck and he knew what the piece of jewelry had meant to her. Tess did her best to show she meant no disrespect but Jay held their stares like he was daring them to say something, but before she could nudge him to cool it Will was nudging their father, giving them each a small nod as their dad finally grumbled and looked away. The minute their attention was off them Jay started rubbing his thumb against the back of her hand, and she felt herself slowly relax. She didn't want to upset anyone but he was her priority. Still when no one was looking she slipped the pendant beneath her collar.
She kept her spot beside him as they reached the grave, doing her best to ignore all of the curious looks shot her way. It was fair given that she was the only outsider, although it didn't exactly help that Canaryville and its residents were known for being particularly insular, but if Jay didn't care then neither would she.
Especially as the coffin was lowered into the ground. His shoulders started shaking, tears slowly sliding down his cheeks and she quickly brushed a kiss against his shoulder. It was all she could do, the only comfort she knew how to provide. There were no words that could take away his pain, not in this moment; these actions were all she could give and she worried they wouldn't be enough but then his father took his other hand, and then Will's. She could feel their surprise but both seemed to grip back tightly, the three men staring at the grave together as they said goodbye to the matriarch of their family.
They stayed that way even as people began to leave, his aunt the first to break away as she walked back with the priest until it was just Tess and the Halstead men, but as uncomfortable as she felt standing there with them she wasn't going to leave. Not unless Jay asked her to. After a few more minutes their father finally turned, not looking back even once as he quickly strode away, and as she looked over her shoulder to watch him go she saw him be greeted by another man, a friend judging by the ease with which he patted his shoulder and the quiet sighs of relief each of his sons let out as he nodded to them, and then the three of them were turning to look at each other.
Will gave her a small, friendly nod which she returned as un-awkwardly as she could and then he looked to his brother and she finally pulled her hand away and took a step back, trying to give them a bit of space. She hadn't felt this out of place in a long time.
"You need a ride?"
"No I drove. You?"
"Aunt Carol." Will smiled as Jay snorted and she found her own lips tugging up; clearly their aunt was a character. "I'll see you at home." Will nodded and gave them one last curious smile before walking away, though they waited until he was far enough forward that he wouldn't hear them before they followed.
"So... do I need to look for a parachute?" Jay asked, smiling when she huffed a laugh and rolled her eyes.
"Not this time."
"Good." He replied as they came to a stop at his car, an old pick up that looked like it had seen better days. "I guess I don't need to give you the address."
"Nope. I got you fully surveilled. I'll see you there."
He nodded, his eyes suddenly sad again and she had to force herself to walk over to her car, giving a quick wave before she hopped inside. He did the same and then she followed him out of the lot, into the parade of cars headed towards his house.
