And so the actual process of rewriting begins. Seriously, I didn't realize just how much I would be changing until I got to episode two and completely changed the tone of the first couple scenes.
The biggest problems with this volume in particular are...actually all of the ones I mentioned in the preamble. The exposition sucks, characters need to be refocused on their specific traits, pasts, and motivations, character dynamics need to actually matter and be interesting, and there needs to be more cohesion between scenes. A couple of easy early examples include: Why does the opening narration explain things poorly, set up no core far-reaching setting/plot details, and is only tangentially related to the narrative? Let's rewrite it. Why was Ruby in an interrogation room when she got invited to Beacon? Well let's have Goodwitch be more pissed at her actions and produce a more hostile atmosphere. I would like to primarily focus on making the exposition more naturalistic within the setting and making character interactions more meaningful. That second part is a sticking point for me. I would like, for example, the friction between Weiss and Ruby to be more prevalent and actually be a problem they have to overcome.
Ep. 1
The world of Remnant is a fractured mess struggling to maintain life. While those in the countryside have to fight to survive daily, people in cities suppress their fear of the endless hordes of Grimm, large monsters copying the form of animals and who feed on the distress and flesh of people, which threaten to storm civilization should mass unrest occur. The 4 kingdoms exist to provide safety and security against the Grimm, but the true heroes are the Huntsmen. Using their skill with weapons, clad in the armor of their Aura, and with the elemental powers of Dust, Huntsman are dedicated to protecting civilians against the existential threat of Grimm. To most, Huntsmen are idols and paragons of virtue, although to others they are more akin to tools of war.
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a dust shop open this late?" A man with a bowl hat, white suit, orange hair, and smoking a cigar asks this question to an old shopkeeper. With him are several other men, all wearing contrasting black suits. Suddenly one of them pulls a gun on the shopkeeper.
"Please, just take my money and leave!" the shopkeeper fearfully exclaims as he puts his hands up and backs away.
"Shh, shh shh. Calm down, we're not here for your money. Grab the dust." With that command the men around him take out storage containers and begin as much dust as they can carry from the store. While getting dust one of the men sees a young girl clad in red in a different section of the store facing away from the robbery, reading a magazine titled "Weapon."
"Alright kid, hands up" he says while pulling a large machete he had strapped to his waist. No response. Walking closer he asks more forcefully "You got a death wish or something?" Grabbing her shoulder to turn her around, her hood falls off to reveal that she's wearing headphones, music playing loud enough to be heard leaking out of them. Getting angrier, the man gestures to his ear to indicate for her to take them off.
"Yes?"
"Hands in the air! Now!" He points the machete at her again.
"Are you...robbing me?"
"YES!"
"Oooooh…"
The man in white then casually sees the man with the machete get thrown into an assortment of dust containers. At first the man in white notices this unflinchingly, but after realizing it was an impact with dust he is noticeably alarmed. He yells "What the Hell!" The man with the gun then aims it at her only for her to tackle him through a window.
The man in white and all of his associates, machetes drawn, look through the window to see the girl whip out a scythe larger than her and lower her headphones to around her neck.
"Are you trying to get us all killed? You could have blown up this entire building back there!" The man in white is yelling at her from inside the store.
"Huh. I didn't think about that."
"I'll make sure you know exactly what it would've felt like if you set off all the dust in there. Get her!"
For this action scene, Ruby doesn't ask the shopkeeper if it's ok to go after Torchwick, and Goodwitch explicitly uses telekinesis instead of pseudo-magic, using it on dust for elemental effects.
"You're a Huntress…? Is telekinesis your semblance? Can I have your autograph?" The girl in red asks excitedly.
"I'm taking you in for questioning" the Huntress curtly replies. She then uses her telekinesis to form a cage around the girl and takes it with her. The girl is shocked as it forms around her and noticeably sad as she is taken away, but compiles.
"I hope you realize that your actions tonight will not be taken lightly, young lady. You put yourself and others in great danger."
"They started it!"
"No excuses!" The huntress slams her hand against the table. "You nearly caused a massive explosion fighting in that dust store, not to mention the road and property damage!"
"B-but, I-"
"If it were up to me you would be under arrest right now for your selfish vigilantism! But unfortunately there is someone here who would like to meet you." In walks a man with more formal clothing, gray hair, and small glasses which don't cover his eyes. He is also carrying a mug.
"Ruby Rose...You...have silver eyes" he says while sizing her up.
"Um...So…?" she asks while shying away, uncomfortable with how she is being studied.
"So where did you learn to do this?" The huntress, still in the room, is now holding a video of the earlier fight.
"Signal Academy?"
"A middle school taught you how to use one of the most dangerous weapons ever designed?"
"Well, one teacher in particular, my uncle."
"I see." He then sits down. "It's just that I've only seen one scythe-wielder of that skill before. Dusty old Qrow."
"That's him! I was complete garbage before he took me under his wing, and now I'm all like wooo, ha!" She makes random martial arts gestures in conjunction with her gestures. The Huntress slams her fist on the wall. "Sorry."
"...so I noticed" the man replies. "And what is an adorable girl such as yourself doing at a school designed to train warriors?"
"I want to be a huntress." She takes an uncharacteristically serious tone to say this.
"That makes sense, given your behavior tonight, even though it was reckless."
"I want to help people. My family always taught me and my sister to help people, and so I thought I might as well make a career out of it." She gradually talks faster and more excitedly. "Policemen are alright, but huntresses are just so much more romantic and exciting and cool you know? Plus imagine all of the weapons I would get to see and work with, oh it would be so cool!" At this the Huntress loudly clears her throat, and so Ruby continues more calm and composed. "I only have two more years of training left at Signal, and then I'm going to apply to Beacon. My sister is starting there this year, and my family before her went there."
"Do you know who I am?"
"You're Professor Ozpin, Headmaster of Beacon."
"Hello."
"Nice to meet you."
"You don't seem to crack under pressure, and are a rather skilled combatant. You want to come to my school?"
"More than anything."
"Well alright then."
On a (flying) ship headed to Beacon Academy, a hologram is playing the news for the passengers. A dull sounding reporter relays the previous day's news. "The robbery was led by notorious criminal Roman Torchwick, who continues to evade authorities. A fight broke out between his hired thugs and a red-clad girl who happened to be in the store at the time. Despite intervention by the Huntress Glynda Goodwitch, he got away, although his cohorts were arrested. All parties involved are lucky to be alive because the fight started in the store and dust containers were damaged. A chain-reaction explosion with the amount the store had on-hand is speculated to have been capable of annihilating the entire building..."
"Oh I can't believe my baby sister's going to Beacon with me! This is the best day ever!" An older teenager with long blonde hair, Yang Xiao Long, is giving Ruby a tight hug."
"Please stop."
"But I'm so proud of you!"
"Really, it was nothing."
"What do you mean, it was incredible!"
"Y-yeah, I suppose you have a point."
"Everyone at Beacon's going to think you are the bee's knees!" At this point some random buff guy (see: the racist guy who bullies Jaune but gets saved by him - I'm doing this sequentially so I don't know his name/character design offhand).
"The bee's knees for almost blowing up criminals, yourself, a building, and an innocent victim" he noticeably said.
"R-right…" Ruby replied more downtroddenly.
"Oh, don't listen to that wannabe tough guy, he's just jealous that he didn't get scouted by the headmaster 2 years early." The man snorts as he walks away.
"I don't want to be the girl who got in early, I don't want to be the one who almost blew up a building, and I don't want to be special! I just want to be a normal girl."
"What's wrong with you, aren't you excited?"
"Of course I'm excited! I just- I don't want to be treated any differently than if I got in normally, I want to be treated like everyone else."
"But you aren't like everyone else."
"Yang, you just don't get it-" Ruby's increasing frustration was interrupted by a pre-recorded announcement being made by Glynda.
"Hello and welcome to Beacon. You are among the privileged few who have received the honor of being selected to attend this prestigious academy. Our world is constantly under the threat of Grimm attack. As future Huntsmen, it is your duty to protect people against the Grimm and uphold the peace of the world. You have demonstrated the power for such a task, and now it is our turn to provide you with knowledge, hone your skills, and craft your judgement so that you are capable of protecting our world."
Ruby walks over to the window with a slightly distraught look and heaves a sigh. Noticing that Yang has walked next to her and placed a hand on her back, clearly concerned. Ruby begins speaking.
"Here we are, right above Signal."
"And look just across the waterfall, there's Beacon!"
"I guess home won't be that far away after all…"
"Beacon's our home now." At that moment a man dressed like a knight with short blonde hair runs past in a hurry, a hand over his mouth. "I guess not everyone can stomach a ship ride."
"It was a nice moment while it lasted. I wonder who we're gonna meet! I just hope they're better than vomit boy."
"There's the optimistic Ruby that I love!" They look at each other and smile for a moment.
"Ugh, Yang, gross! You have puke on your shoe!"
"Gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, how did it even get there?"
"Get away from me, get away from me, get away from me!" They spent a few moments collectively disgusted by the vomit.
"...Still, thanks for that Yang."
"Aww, no problem, anything for my sister!" Yang then moves in for a hug.
"That doesn't mean you can come any closer!" Ruby quickly stops her.
