Chapter 4

Eleven Years Ago

Things had gone from bad, to worse, to absolute shit.

Tess had thought it would take about a week to deal with Krowiak, maybe a little more, hopefully a little less but she'd figured they'd come up with a plan, have it go sideways then make up another that would save all their asses. And in essence that was what had happened.

It had just been an even bigger cluster fuck than any of them could have imagined.

Because none of them had expected that Krowiak intended not only on double crossing his old supplier but also the new one and none of them, not her team, not Oleksiy when he found out and sure as hell not Krowiak had expected that said new supplier would actually turn out to be the Berkut. Also known as the Ukrainian Special Police.

Cue the cluster fuck.

Krowiak and Oleksiy had both died in the ensuing firefights, crippling the latter's organization and allowing for most of the remaining members to be taken into custody but unfortunately in the fallout her team had been suspected of being a part of said organization and had been chased not just out of the city but right out of the country. All the way into Belarus where they'd spent a week trekking through the woods until they'd made it to the city of Homel; from there they'd been able to catch a bus to Minsk and then a flight to London and then finally onto New York. It had killed her to be so close to Chicago, so close to Jay, and though everything in her had screamed at her to go to him she still hadn't been able to. The agency had wanted answers as to how things had gone so sideways, like it was somehow their fault their target was such a conniving slime ball. Michael and even Coulson had tried to intervene on her behalf by saying there was a family emergency but their superiors had held firm- she had been there at the start of the mission and she would see it through to the end, which was when they said it was.

Assholes.

But it didn't matter anymore. Because now she was done, here, basically bolting out of the taxi and into Jay's apartment building, bypassing the elevator in favour of the stairs which she took two at a time until at last she was in front of his door. She allowed herself only as long as it took to grab the spare key they left out for her to get her breathing under control and then she was slipping inside, all her manic energy coming to a screeching halt when she found Mouse leaning against the doorway into the kitchen, the amused quirk on his lips doing little to hide the far too grave look in his eyes.

"You know for someone who's half-spy you sure make a lot of noise."

"I'm off duty."

"He's not here."

She froze again as she went to slip past him, her chest tightening almost to the point of pain. Of course he wasn't. It was midnight on a Saturday and Jay had all but been forced into taking furlough, of course he would-

"He's not at the bar either."

She was getting dizzy she was turning so fast so Tess made herself stop and give all attention to Mouse, to that rare and solemn look that told her things were so much worse than she thought.

"He's gone. Not gone, gone he- he's at his family's cabin in Wisconsin. He left the same day his furlough started. About thirty minutes later. He left his phone behind."

The words 'on purpose' weren't said aloud but they didn't need to be and that tightness slowly turned to heaviness, a weight that threatened to crush her.

"He doesn't blame you."

Shouldn't he?

"No, he fucking shouldn't."

Oops.

She couldn't stop the flush that spread across her cheeks when Mouse pushed off the wall with a quiet sigh and it grew as he used a gentle finger to lift her chin, enough to show her just how low it had drooped. "You came back when you could. As brooding as he gets, that's the only thing he cares about. That's the only thing any of us cares about."

Tess knew that. She did.

But man did it hurt to come back late.

Mouse let out another, heavier sigh and then wrapped his arms around her, still gentle but also firm, like he was demanding she let him comfort her. So she did. She linked her hands behind his back and breathed in his signature sugar and gunpowder scent almost as deeply as she would Jay's.

After all, who else was as close to him?

She had known Greg just as long, and though not quite as intimately just as intensely. They hadn't just worked together they had saved each other's lives, multiple times and more than that he had welcomed her into the home he and Jay had made for themselves when they came home. Mouse hadn't had to be as gracious as he had when she came to stay with them after their discharge, hadn't had to go out of his way to make sure she felt comfortable, especially when she and Jay had been making him decidedly uncomfortable, Jay going so far as to kick his roommate out on a few occasions so that they could have the apartment to themselves. Though to be fair he had put him up in a hotel each time. But still.

And it hadn't just been that Mouse was grateful to her for bringing his friend back from the depression he'd fallen into, or the one he had, or that he felt like he owed her- he had wanted her there. He still did, had been adamant when she'd arrived for Jay's graduation from the police academy that she wasn't a guest but their roommate. Albeit an absent one. A ghost he'd joked.

Who could have guessed then that just a few months later they would be here?

She had to get to Jay.

So what if it was midnight? Wisconsin was what, a three, four-hour drive? At this time of night she could easily cut that down, especially since she could keep herself off any police radars.

"Do I have any chance of convincing you to wait until morning?"

"No."

"I figured."

"Do I have any chance of convincing you to give me one of your energy drinks?"

Greg huffed a laugh and after a quick squeeze stepped back to look her over. "I'll give you two. If you let me drive you to the rental car place."

Yeah, she may not love Mouse the same way she loved Jay, but she sure as shit loved him just as much. "Deal."

She was so close. So fucking close. She'd turned off the highway thirty minutes ago but god damn these back roads were twisty, if the dirt trail she was driving down could even be considered a road. It didn't help that it was dark as shit, or that it might've been getting close to twenty hours since she'd last slept, which was another reason she'd slowed her speed, as much as it was killing her to do so. She just wanted to get there already but- wait, were- yes! The thick pine trees that lined the 'road' were thinning up ahead, right around that last fucking corner until finally they gave way to-

To a river.

To the river.

It was no longer just sleep deprivation that had Tess in a daze as she hastily parked the car and stumbled towards the shore, towards the old, rickety dock she'd imagined so many times. She hadn't gotten it quite right but then she hadn't been trying to. She hadn't known it was real.

It was real.

And it was exactly like he'd described; if she listened closely she swore she could hear his husky timbre whispering in her ear. Picture grass, greener and softer than you've ever felt and in front of you an old, very rough looking wooden dock that stretches out over a beautiful river, all the gentle ripples that run across the surface glowing in the sunset. It was moonlight now but just as beautiful, the air just as warm and light as it brushed against her face, velvety with the smell of the water and the woods and the clean, fresh air. How many times had she imagined this smell?

How many times had she used the image of this place to bring herself comfort on a lonely night? To push the nightmares back until it was safe enough to sleep?

How many times had she found refuge here when death was knocking at her door?

That was what he'd given it to her for after all, why Jay had shared his place of peace- because he'd known she hadn't had one.

In an instant she could feel him behind her, sharing the same moment but when Tess turned she knew it was going to have to wait because right now he was not at peace. Pain radiated off him, and rage, and though some of it melted as he looked back at her, as quickly as it took for him to take in the bruise running along the right side of her face she knew it wasn't gone just… freezing. Into ice that one or both of them were going to slip on later because some of that anger was directed towards her. But she could take that. She could handle his anger and she could bring him back from the pain. That was exactly what she was here to do.

She strode for him just as he did for her and any tiredness that had been lingering was zapped away by the smooth feel of his skin beneath her fingers. He wasn't wearing a shirt, or shoes, not that he seemed to care- all his attention was focused on her. His fingers were featherlight as they trailed down her injured cheek and her own rose to mirror the movement, dancing through the stubble that covered his jaw and added to the wild, mountain man look he had going on. She'd be honest, she liked it, but she hated it too. The only other time she'd seen him unshaven had been after his discharge, when he'd stopped caring about the world, about the part he played in it. When he stopped caring about himself. Like now. He was so wrapped up in her that it took several pinches before his eyes finally met hers but then he was yanking her into him, and even though she couldn't quite stop the noise of pain that escaped she held on tight and refused to let him pull back; now she was the one demanding that he take her comfort and to her everlasting relief he did. Jay wrapped his arms around her, tucked his head into her shoulder and breathed her in like his life depended on it, and with the shudders that ran through him and the heavy smell of whiskey that wafted off him she wondered how much it did.

What he would have done if she hadn't come.

How much better he'd be if she'd gotten here sooner.

Her heart had been aching ever since she'd heard his ragged breaths on the other end of the line but it hadn't started to crack until this moment and somehow she knew that chasm was only going to get wider. She also knew that the time of her comforting him was over, at least for tonight. Tess could see that steely resolve in the deliberate way he led her inside and in his firm but gentle touch as he undressed her, his eyes flicking over every inch of skin that was revealed, no doubt memorizing each cut and scrape. She didn't have many, the bruise on her face was the worst but she was beginning to realize that didn't matter. Whether it was a little or a lot Jay needed to know she was alright, to make sure for himself- but that didn't mean she couldn't try to assuage at least some of his worry.

"That one was actually Viv." She said softly when he came across the bandage on her left arm, shooting him a soft, teasing smile, not though he noticed. "It was an accident, but it was definitely her shot. Which I will not be letting her forget any time soon."

Laugh.

Please laugh.

Or smile or huff or something.

But he didn't. He couldn't, didn't have it in him right now so she tried to give it to him, tried to show him she was here, that she had him, but like she'd thought he didn't let her. He just pulled his lips away and brushed his hands over her hair so even though it hurt she let him finish, let him take off her clothes and put his on, let him guide her into the bed and pull her so she lay atop him, so her ear pressed right above his heart, like he knew how much she needed to hear it.

She couldn't let him do this for long, refused to let him ignore his troubles for her but if this was the kind of comfort he needed right now, if he needed to give and not to take she would let him. For now. Because she did need it.

She needed him.