Chapter 5
Present Day
It didn't take long after she left for Tess to finally quiet her mind, to push all those little voices back into the depths where they belonged. It was normal for them to pop out, normal for her to think about what might happen and to try to prepare for it but the intensity of them had still caught her off guard, had been able to because she'd been off her guard. She hadn't expected to feel so at ease at the 21st, so connected to his team but then it made sense. She'd been looking out for them for years now, knew more about them than could ever be called reasonable so of course she would feel a closeness with them, even if they didn't with her.
Except they were starting to.
She had not expected to have that conversation with Kim. Nothing that personal, certainly not that topic but when she'd seen the other woman's pain she hadn't been able to stop herself. Hadn't wanted to anyway. And it had gone well, really well, even if it did make her gut twist to think about how that information was going to slowly make its way through the team. First to Adam which she understood but then he or Kim, hell, likely both of them would confide in Kevin who would tell Vanessa, in an attempt to be helpful Tess was sure but then she'd tell Hailey which was only going to deepen the divide between her and Jay, not to mention between the detective and herself. Then Platt would get looped in somewhere along the way and after what Tess was certain would be a lengthy internal debate would likely tell Voight, once again in an effort to help him better understand 'the outsider.'
It was a lot.
A lot to think about, a lot to let settle.
She just had to give it time. Give herself time.
She'd earned it.
She also had to get rid of those flowers. They were starting to wilt, unlike the ones further down the counter which were still in full bloom, the vibrant pinks and purples complimenting the dark blue and grey of the house nicely. There were a lot of them too. Those two plus one on the kitchen island and one on the dining table, another three on the desk, coffee table, and sideboard not to mention the ones upstairs. She hadn't noticed them building up, though she'd definitely noticed every time Jay brought them home; he always presented them with a flourish and a kiss, often popping by during his shift whenever he was 'in the neighbourhood'. On the few occasions she'd been out he'd left notes, usually just a line or two about how he loved her and hoped she was having a good day, once or twice with a poorly drawn but still explicit rendering of what he wanted to do when he got home. One of which had actually included said blossoms.
Tess liked those notes. She liked the flowers even more. He'd always gone out of his way to get them for her, right from the beginning, and she'd had to put a conscious effort in the last few years to buy them for herself. A reminder not just that she should savour the little things but that she was allowed to. But getting them from him now, getting them again… that wasn't little.
Not in the slightest.
Her eyes lifted to a spot on the wall across the room, flicking between two more of Jay's contributions to his new home.
The knife he had shot out of her hands and the rope he'd shot through.
They were just laying side by side on a shelf for now but she was going to display them properly once she got them where she wanted them, which unfortunately wasn't here. Something so precious deserved to be somewhere more secure. Somewhere there wasn't a risk of sinking.
And didn't that open up a whole other line of thinking.
She sighed and shook her head, grabbing her green from her desk before she padded into the sunroom and settled back against the cushions. She needed to calm the rapid flow of thoughts in her mind but even as that began to happen, as one bowl turned into two and then three her eyes never stopped drifting back to that shelf. Looking at them, the veritable proof of where she and Jay had started and how far they'd come… that wasn't little either. That was big. Really big.
Good big, but… big.
Jay's coming down the dock. He'll be at the front door in about two minutes.
Cas.
Of the many things she still had to tell him, that ranked among the top. And she would tell him, soon. Just not today.
That was something she kept telling herself, but she couldn't push it off much longer.
Despite the warning, announcement, she stayed where she was, tipping her head back when she finally heard the door open to smile at him as he walked inside, her grin growing with his huff of laughter as he took her in- she'd ended up on top of the kitchen island and it was a surprisingly comfortable position.
"You know I don't know if she's influencing you or you're influencing her."
"It's mutual." She responded as he scratched under Aelins' chin, who was laying next to her and whom it seemed he was speaking to, lifting her head to meet his lips when he bent down and kissed her gently.
"How're you doing?" He asked quietly, and the way he stared at her, the softness in his eyes coupled with the playful arch of his brow told her he'd smelled the weed.
Years ago, when he'd first realized how much she liked to smoke it had taken him a while to get used to it. To understand that it wasn't just something she used to get high, which she openly admitted she enjoyed, but that it was also how she helped keep herself regulated; ever since childhood her brain had been prone to working a thousand miles an hour and marijuana was one of the few things she'd found that could slow it down. That could allow her to pause long enough to reset and start fresh. He knew that now and was one of the first to suggest a bowl after a rough day, though he never partook, but he always made sure to check on her, to make sure she never used it to ignore her problems. For too long anyway.
Maybe that would annoy some people, but it only made Tess love him more.
"I'm good. I'm okay." She amended with a small shrug, smiling when he tucked a piece of hair behind her ears as she pulled herself up before settling between her legs. "Just needed to clear my head."
"Yeah. I think I do too."
"Do you want- oh." Her words trailed off as he gently grasped her chin and then he kissed her again and words went out the window.
It was deep, firm enough to hold her in place but not hungry, not desperate or searching. It was calm. Peaceful. Giving it and taking it, settling themselves in one another the way they'd never been able to do with anyone else, the way they couldn't even do with themselves. It ended slowly, leisurely, with their foreheads pressed together as they breathed each other in, their bodies pushing closer to remove whatever distance they could.
"Better?" Tess asked quietly, as if by keeping her voice low she could keep them in the moment just a little bit longer.
But Jay still straightened, and though she felt herself frown his eyes were so green she couldn't quite bring herself to care. There was a softness and a surety in his gaze that made her want to pull him back in and never let go, even as her heart gave a sudden ache as he answered her.
"Everything's better when you're around. You want to work every case with us?"
No.
Not at all, not now, not ever those voices cautioned.
It wasn't that she didn't want to work with him, or even with his team it just… it wasn't smart. It wasn't smart and it wasn't safe and she wasn't willing to put anyone in any more danger than they already were. But she didn't say that. She just smiled and used the feel of his hands on her waist to ground her.
"Anytime you need me, I'm there. Especially on cases like this, okay? Call me in every time. But… I'm enjoying being retired. Maybe I will want more one day but right now I am unemployed for the first time in over a decade and I like it. I like having nothing to do every day and I like getting to choose what I do want to do, I like…" She paused for a second to try to put it into words, the soul-deep relief she had found when she'd walked out of the hospital in Virginia, her contract with the agency officially ended.
"I like being beholden to no one but me."
"I'm glad." Jay brought his hands up and cupped her face, his thumbs brushing gently but firmly across her cheeks and the slow constricting of her stomach eased at the simple truth in his face. "And while I will probably take you up on that offer I want you to know I don't care what you do- if you want to sit on the couch all day or take over the world, you've got my support. No matter what."
There was a promise in his voice and his lips sealed it, and Tess let herself take it. And then she let him go when he stepped back, listened to him move about the kitchen as he unpacked his lunch and started washing out the containers; she'd slipped right back into the habit of making them and it had become one of her favourite moments of the day, tied with whenever he opened it and texted her to say thank you. And of course when he came home.
And wasn't that what mattered?
That she had Jay?
That they had each other, that whatever they were doing they were going to do it together, from now until the end?
So if there was a bit of discomfort as they got there? That was nothing.
"I gotta say though, today went a lot better than I'd expected. Not that I had any doubts. ButI'm still surprised by how… easy it all was."
Rather than get down she spun in place, laughing when she caught the wink he shot over his shoulder. "Honestly I kind of am too. I wasn't sure what Voight would think about me going into your systems."
"Nah, he got used to that with Mouse. Did I tell you he got the job by hacking into Voights' phone?"
"You did but I still enjoy picturing it."
"So do I." He grinned, but as his gaze became distant she knew he'd started thinking about his friend.
It was something they both did often.
So much of their relationship had included the hacker; bar Jay's mothers' funeral she couldn't think of a moment he hadn't at least been on the periphery of and considering they'd spent four years living together most of the time he'd been right in the thick of it with them. He and Jay were brothers and though the feelings she and Greg had for each other weren't exactly familial they were no less strong. The only reason Tess had been able to leave either of them was because she'd known they'd had each other but it had still felt like ripping out her heart, an ache that increased tenfold when Mouse returned to Afghanistan.
The first night of Jay's furlough they had stayed up until dawn so they could catch the comms specialist as his day was ending and the look on his face when he'd seen them together had been priceless- as had Sophie's, the sweet, now Head Nurse who had once looked after her, after all of them, and who had been in Greg's room when he answered Jay's call. Another two souls who after a lot of time and distance and difficulty had found their way back to each other. It had been a bittersweet reunion, so close yet so far from being together again but they'd taken it. Revelled in it even as it hurt, the ache of an old wound finally starting to heal in its deepest parts.
It hadn't surprised her to find out that Jay hadn't known Mouse had stayed in contact with her, at least in so much as she had with them; while the former had received Kit-Kats the latter had gotten gummy worms but in return had spammed her with e-cards, one for every Christmas, New Years, Valentines, and Halloween. And of course her birthday. When she'd first left Tess had blocked both men from contacting her but that had only lasted a few weeks before she'd reversed it, scared they might not reach out if they actually needed her but though Mouse hadn't been deterred by that Jay had. He had never tried to contact her beyond that one text telling her to be safe, to come home, though he'd admitted to assuming the other two had their own way to keep in touch. But he'd never outright asked, and for reasons that hadn't needed to be expressed out loud Mouse had never offered the information. There was a tension between the two men that she hated to see, and hated even more to be the cause of but she could see that it wasn't a current cause of anxiety for either man, that they may not like the way the other had handled the situation but they understood it.
Tess could also see the guilt Jay carried for that, for what he saw as his abandonment of her, of their family, and though she tried her best to take it off his shoulders she knew that was a wound that needed longer to heal.
That it would be the kind that always prickled.
"Seemed like you and Kim had a moment."
She looked up from where she'd been absentmindedly petting Aelin and found him looking over his shoulder, an extra softness in his eyes as he watched her.
Well clearly it wasn't prickling him right now- he was still very much focused on today.
To be fair it had been a big one for him. The first time he'd worked with her in years, the first time she'd worked with this team, openly anyway, the next step in bringing the two parts of his life together. It soothed something deep in her to see that he really did think it had gone well, that he was looking forward to doing it again, and judging by that sweetness that he was beyond pleased she was getting to know his friends. Especially Kim. Jay had confided that despite the young officer being the one he worked with the least she was secretly his favourite, apparently because she often reminded him of her. And truth be told Tess saw the resemblance too, had recognized it years ago in another woman who'd chosen this work with no real reason to, no calling but the one deep inside that desired to help. That burned to be better than the expectations placed on her. Maybe that was why talking with her at Molly's always came so naturally, and why sharing with her today had been so easy. And speaking of sharing…
She quickly nodded in response, going back to petting Aelin even as she kept one eye on him. "Yeah, she came down and sat with me for a bit after you left. You were right- she's definitely an easy favourite. Her and Kevin."
She couldn't quite hear him over the running water but from her angle she could watch as he chuckled, and could read the words his lips formed as he mumbled to himself.
Probably cause they're the two least problematic members of our unit.
"And where do you rank on that scale?"
"I…" His eyes flicked back to her, a faint pink tinge on his cheeks as he gave a crooked smile. "It varies. Five? Maybe six? Less than usual right now." Just like that his face started to darken but he was quick to wave her off, albeit half-heartedly.
"Kevin." He said by way of explanation, and just like that the heaviness that had started to hover over her fell back, something sharper taking its place.
"What now?"
"IA wants to talk to him again. Go over his story one more time."
That was another reason why she didn't want to work with Jay's unit.
She may, she did relish in her victories against the agency but that didn't mean Tess was looking for a fight with another one. On home ground no less, dragging a whole other team into it in the process. But if the corrupt, racist cops going after Kevin Atwater didn't stop she might have to start one.
"I don't think we're there just yet."
She blinked and realized Jay had finished with the dishes and was now watching her, his teasing but appreciative smile telling her he knew exactly what she'd been thinking.
He'd always been good at that.
"I'm glad you're on his side."
"Always."
He nodded like he'd expected her answer, which again he probably had, then dried his hands before coming over and wrapping them around her thighs, gentle but firm as he tugged her towards him. He didn't say anything, just stared at her like words weren't needed to express the way he felt and though he was right, again… there were a few more she wanted to share.
Well, wanted might be a bit of a stretch. But she trusted him and she respected him, so she would.
"I told Kim."
He paused, only for the briefest second, then smiled. "I figured. How did it go?"
"How do you think?"
His brow rose, and honestly Tess couldn't explain why she'd asked. Maybe to see how deep that understanding went, maybe just to save herself from delving back into those whispers but it didn't matter because he nodded, scanning her for a second longer before he answered. "I think it was hard, for both of you. But I don't think it was as hard as either of you thought it would be. And I think, I hope that it helped. And I know you talked about Adam and me."
"Well that's obvious. They both agree you have a very good glower."
"I've put a lot of work into perfecting it."
They shared a smile before Jay stepped closer, any more and he'd have to climb onto the counter with her, tucking her hair behind her ears before he cupped her face; she already knew what he was going to say but just like she had he said it anyway.
"I meant what I said. I don't need to have kids. I don't need to be a dad. If one day we decide that's what we want then we'll do it and I will be happy with however that looks, whether it's adopting a kid or a dozen dogs because that is not what I need. What I need is you. Just you, always you. To whatever end."
He meant it. He meant what he was saying with everything in him, just like he had the first time he'd said it three weeks ago, just like he had every time since but even as it made her heart sing it broke it too, a pain so sharp Tess felt it double- in her heart and in her side, so strong it was like the rebar was piercing her all over again.
It'd been such a tiny piece of metal, only a quarter of an inch wide but it had torn through one of her dreams as easily as it had torn through her uterus.
She'd always assumed she would have kids. Always assumed she would have Jay's. Even after the loss of that pregnancy all those years ago, even when she'd been told it may be difficult going forward, even in the last five years when she'd really started to wonder whether motherhood was something she actually wanted or just something she'd been conditioned to expect a part of her had still thought it would happen. That if she was lucky enough to make it home, to make it back to Jay that they would start the family they'd never quite talked about, never fully allowed themselves to dream of. Considering they couldn't have it now maybe that was a good thing.
"Tess…"
"I know. I believe you. It's just… it's going to take some time to wrap my head around it."
He looked a little dubious as to how strong that belief was but he let it be, kissing her once on the lips and once on the forehead before he nestled his head in the crook of her neck, not seeming to care that her hair was in the way.
Really not seeming to care that she couldn't give him a child.
Enough.
Tess made herself sink into his embrace, bringing her legs up to wrap around him and fisting her hands in his shirt, using him to push out any voice in her head that wasn't his. Even hers. Especially hers. She didn't like to have to do it but in this moment… she needed Jay to quiet her mind, needed the strength of his hands on her back like some people needed whiskey, like she'd needed her pot earlier because maybe she didn't have her own belief right now. But she could take his. She could do that.
They stayed that way for a while, just quietly breathing each other in but eventually she felt his head tilt up, just enough so his chin rested on her shoulder. "What did you get from the deli?"
A laugh burst out of her at the simple curiosity in his voice, at last popping the bubble of heaviness that had settled around them. "Some prosciutto. Chorizo sausages. And a couple steaks."
"What kind of steaks?"
"Ribeye."
Jay leant back, his eyes lighting up before his brow furrowed. "This would be a good night to celebrate. But…"
"You want to marinate them first."
"I do."
"Sausages then? I think they'd go nicely in pasta, with that cream sauce."
"Yeah, that sounds amazing. I'm probably going to have to buy new pants, but it'll be worth it."
Tess only half held back her snort- that wasn't likely. Even if his job hadn't demanded it Jay loved physical activity, and made sure he did enough of it that his love of beer and carbs didn't get in the way. "I think you do enough chasing after criminals that the calories will cancel out."
"I don't know- didn't do much running today." He replied with a wink, his hands lingering on her legs before he stepped back, already heading to the fridge to take them out. "By the way, Adam wanted everyone to meet up at Molly's later- celebrate your genius was how I think he put it. You feel like going?"
Honestly, she would rather stay home and eat dinner in their underwear, which she supposed they could still do but it wasn't the same if they had to get dressed after. But a night out with his friends, after a day where she had very clearly been the good guy?
Maybe it wasn't exactly what she wanted. But it might just be what she needed.
"Yeah. I do."
