Chapter 6

Eleven Years Ago

"Hey, I got those."

"It's okay, I got 'em."

"No it's fine, I got it."

"Jay. You caught and cooked. I can clean."

"You cooked too." He mumbled, but he was already giving that frown that said he knew he'd lost.

"I wouldn't call boiling rice cooking. It's pretty easy- for most of us anyway." She smirked as he rolled his eyes and passed over his plate but then he poured himself another whiskey, his mossy gaze flicking her way before he tipped a little more in, turning a double into something closer to a triple, and it faded.

Just like the confidence she'd had when she'd first arrived.

Tess had been here for three days now and on the outside everything was fine; they spent their time the way he had all week, fishing, chopping wood and reading the collection of old war novels his father and grandfather had left behind over the years. Yesterday he'd even taken her for a hike in the surrounding woods and showed her the trails he and Will used to run around on when they were kids, where they'd picked blueberries in the summer and had snowball fights in the winter. It was clear that being here was good for him, not just because it was a familiar place of comfort but because it allowed him to grieve the way he needed to, with no judgements or expectations.

Except hers. She'd tried talking to him the afternoon after she'd arrived, because she'd slept clear through the morning, and though Jay had answered her questions his responses had been brief, stoically recanting what she wanted to know before she'd gotten the hint and dropped the subject. At first she'd thought he just hadn't wanted to discuss it because it was still too painful and that was true- she could see how much Ben's death weighed on him, how poorly he slept and how often he got lost in his head. Except… that wasn't entirely accurate. Because she watched him during those moments, saw him breathe through the pain and do his best to let it go and that… that was how she knew his silence was about more than just Ben.

Jay didn't want to talk about this with her.

And Tess didn't know what she was supposed to do about that.

About the anger he so clearly held towards her, the anger he was doing everything to ignore. Because of course he didn't want to be angry with her and so only felt more guilty that he was, which only made him shut down more. But the truth was he had a right to be. She'd told him to trust the system and the system had failed. She'd told him to trust her and… she had failed too.

It hadn't been all her fault but that didn't matter- it had been her choices and she had to accept the consequences. She'd just… she'd hoped that it would've been like last time, that her being here would've been enough, that her mere presence would've pulled him from the darkness but Tess realized now how naive that was. How egotistical. She wasn't some saviour who could solve all of Jay's problems, especially not when she was one of them. But then what did she do?

How was she supposed to even start to fix this?

There was only one thing left she could do. She had given him time, given him space, tried to give him herself, with discouraging and almost mortifying results… now she had to stop giving. She had to start demanding. Thankfully pushing Jay's buttons was something she had a natural gift for. She rinsed off the cutlery they'd used for dinner then grabbed her own glass and headed over to the whiskey bottle, making sure she caught his eye as she poured herself a double. And then held it as she knocked it back and poured herself another.

"So, the way I see it we have three options. We get drunk and pass out, get drunk and fuck, or get drunk and fight. Personally, I think I'm leaning towards the latter."

Oh yeah, that did the trick.

His eyes flared hot and dark, jaw ticking as his fingers tightened on his drink but then his head gave a sharp shake and he straightened, the sound of his glass thudding on the table echoing through the otherwise quiet room. "I'm not doing this."

"I think that's the point of a fight. It's not really desired, it's just something that has to happen."

"No, it doesn't. Because we don't have anything to fight about."

Jay turned and- and he turned for the door. Was he actually going to walk out? He'd rather leave than talk to her?

Distantly Tess remembered that she had likened his anger to ice, that it was something they'd slip on later- well right now she ran at it full fucking speed.

"I could have stopped Lonnie."

Her words did stop him, right at the threshold and it looked like something out of a movie, the way his silhouette stood between two worlds, the bright warmth of the cabin at his back and the dark expanse of the outdoors beyond. It kind of scared her. They'd fought before, rarely, but never like this. Not even when she'd literally forced him to spar with her after his discharge, making no attempt to hide how easily she could kick his ass. Then pushing him had made him open up but now… now it felt like she was about to break something.

"I could have come sooner too but that's easier to forgive. You know that I would have tried, that I would have done anything to get here which just makes you feel worse whenever you look at me even though this would've happened regardless."

He slowly turned back around and sure enough she caught his wince when he looked at the bruise on her cheek, the one that just wouldn't fucking fade, but he didn't look any less mad. Or any more willing to talk.

"You understand that because you know what it's like to have to follow orders. You know that choosing to be away isn't the same as choosing not to be there. But I did choose not to stop Lonnie. I did that and you don't understand why-"

"It doesn't matter."

"Of course it does-"

"No it doesn't!"

Tess couldn't help but back up as Jay took several steps towards her, not because she ever thought he would hurt her but because he'd never yelled at her before.

And it didn't look like he was done.

"It doesn't matter because you didn't do it. You didn't do anything. And yeah, I wanted you to. But do you actually think I like that!? Do you think I want you to perjure yourself for me? You think I could live with myself if you had?!"

Every word was like a knife in the heart, the bittered, outraged rasp to his voice a sharp and pointed twist but she took it without complaint- all that mattered was that he got them out.

"I needed you. And you weren't there. And you're right, I do understand. But you still weren't there. I did what I had to to get through it and now I'm doing what I have to to get past it and I want to do that with you but-"

Whatever air had been left in the room got sucked out with that tiny conjunction, with a half-formed ultimatum neither wanted to finish.

This was it then.

This was the consequence of being too late.

"Okay."

"Tess-"

"Okay." She repeated softly, and though she couldn't hold his stare as she walked over she did brush her fingers against his, and when he returned the pressure some of the tension in the air eased, enough that she tried to lift it just a little more.

"I wouldn't mind a little angry sex."

He didn't laugh so much as huff a breath of pained relief but Tess still bumped her hip against his when she heard it, then headed over to the couch and traded her whiskey for the horribly dry History of Russian Warfare novel she'd left there this afternoon. Jay hesitated a few seconds longer but slowly shut the door, gently draping a blanket over her legs before he grabbed his own book and joined her. They didn't look at each other again but as one their feet moved to touch and maybe… maybe that was enough.

She stared at the wall across from her blankly, trying to remember how many knots in the wood she was up to but she'd lost count. Again.

She couldn't do this.

She couldn't keep laying here acting like everything was fine, like she wasn't slowly losing her goddamn mind. With a quick glance to make sure he was still asleep Tess slipped out from under Jay's arm, not that it was hard to do when he was barely holding onto her; normally they were all over each other, running a hand down an arm or across a back, pressing lips against a temple or shoulder, usually his since he was harder to reach. They just liked being near each other. So obviously the distance that had been between them since she'd arrived had been hard to accept and after their fight last night it had only grown more unbearable, to the point that the knot inside her chest was so tight it was getting hard to breathe. She had to be extra careful not to jostle him as she moved along the wall, it was kind of chivalrous how he always took the side of the bed closest to the door but it made situations like this a lot more difficult, never mind the fact that he was such a light sleeper. Most of the time she liked that, how it never bothered him when she tossed and turned and how he would mold himself around her no matter what awkward position she ended up in, how he could pull her out of a nightmare almost before she'd had time to fall into one. But right now?

If he woke now it wouldn't matter that he was still mad at her, that he still had his own grief to deal with. All that would matter to Jay would be her and her pain and she refused to put anything else on his shoulders.

It wasn't his to carry.

At last she slid off the foot of the bed and tiptoed into the hall, but though that should've given her some relief instead the moment she had the space to breathe her body started to shake with the force of holding it in and it was suddenly all she could do to stumble to the front door, grateful beyond measure for the subconscious instincts that kept her footsteps light. Again that trapped feeling should've gotten better once she got outside but once Tess inhaled the cool night air she couldn't help but exhale and it came out as a soft but agonized cry, something closer to a muffled wail following when she instinctively clapped her hands to her mouth and felt the soft cotton of Jay's long sleeve shirt pressing against her lips.

She was supposed to love wearing his clothes. She did love it, loved being wrapped in a piece of him but that wasn't why she'd put these on tonight. Tonight she'd used them as a barrier, as a way to put distance between them. As if a few centimeters could make a difference. But even then… he was so good he had taken that to mean that she was cold. He'd laid another blanket atop them and pulled her close, closer than she knew he felt comfortable with but he'd done it anyway because he hated seeing her hurt.

He hated being the reason she was hurt, but he wasn't. Not really.

This was on her.

Blinking through tears that had slipped out without her noticing and were now coming faster and faster she staggered down to the dock, right up to the edge and as if the nearness to the water was the key the maelstrom she'd been keeping locked inside finally tore free; the first wave was so strong it nearly bowled her over and she had to brace her hands on her knees to stay upright, unable to do anything but gulp down a few shuddering gasps through her sobs. This wasn't a soft cry, wasn't gentle or controlled- it was a breaking. So Tess broke. She didn't even think about why. That would come later, once this initial surge had passed. Right now she just had to get it out. She didn't know how long she stayed that way but in time the tremors running through her started to lessen, the relentless roaring in her mind quieting in pitch if not pace and slowly she was able to push herself back up, though her arms did have to wrap around her waist to keep her steady, one hand going back to her mouth to quiet the whimpers that were still escaping. But that was okay. She could get through this. She just had to breathe.

Just breathe.

Without thought she fell into that four-beat pattern, swearing that she could feel Jay standing behind her, guiding her as he had so many times.

What hadn't he done for her?

From the moment he'd met her he had put her first, had done whatever it took to make her comfortable, had stood up to his Commanders for her, outright defied them-

Why couldn't she have done that?

Logically Tess knew the situations were different, that helping someone sneak around a military base wasn't at all the same as abandoning your team in the middle of an active op, which she'd already done for him once, but that didn't make the guilt weigh any less. Because this time she'd stayed. She'd made the choice to put her team, to put the mission first. Just like she'd made the decision to join the agency, to put herself in the position where she had to make these kinds of choices, where she wouldn't be around for the people she loved when they needed her. At the time it had made sense, it wasn't like she had that many people anyway and even now, even while Jay had been shouting his rage and disappointment at her…

She couldn't bring herself to regret it.

Not completely, not when there were so many other people she had to protect, people that no one else would. But then what did she do? How did she carry this weight?

Maybe that was the answer.

Maybe she just had to carry it.

And if it was too heavy… she would just have to get stronger.

And maybe there were other things she could do. Other ways she could be there for Jay, for Lydia and Mouse. They weren't exactly legal but then neither was eighty percent of the shit she did and if it meant she could keep them safe then Tess didn't really care what the consequences were.

Something inside her started to settle and as she let out another breath she realized she'd stopped crying. Stopped shaking too, at least for the most part- aftershocks were common after an eruption like that. But the worst of it was over now and she could think a little clearer, could appreciate the way the brisk fall breeze danced over her, cold enough that she could feel it but not enough to make her want to go back inside. She wasn't quite ready for that yet. Her eyes fell to the river and though there were probably a dozen reasons why she shouldn't do what she wanted to Tess didn't give herself time to think about any of them, just slipped out of her clothes and jumped.

It was cold. Not as cold as she'd expected given that they were well into September but enough that it stole her breath and chased the last of the numbness out of her mind. It was dark too, so dark it was like the rest of the world stopped existing but she wasn't afraid. She never was in the water, not beyond the healthy respect owed to such an untameable force. No, the water was the one place she always felt safe. Felt free. And this water… they'd only talked about it a little but Tess hadn't for a second forgotten where they were. What this place meant to them, what it meant to Jay, what it meant that he'd shared it, was sharing with her.

Because he still wanted her.

Even mad and disappointed, he still wanted her. He just wanted it on his terms. And that was fair. That was something she could give him.

She would give him.

But right now Tess was going to give herself something. She was going to give herself a moment to forget about all of that, about Jay and Vivienne who still felt horrible for shooting her, about Michael who felt responsible for things going wrong in Kiev and Mouse who absolutely hated that he wasn't here right now, and judging by his texts was getting close to coming out and joining them. She let herself forget about Oleksiy and Krowiak and the agency, about Danny and Gail and Ali and Ben and the whole fucking world because sometimes it was just so random and cruel she couldn't bear to think about it. So for a little while she didn't. She just swam, until she'd swallowed half the river laughing and her fingers looked like raisins, until her arms felt tired but strong, strong enough to carry whatever else might land on her shoulders. Until she saw the figure hiding behind the tree and nearly had a heart attack.

She sank a little lower beneath the waves, suddenly reminded that she was very much naked, but her voice was steady when she called out. "That's either Jay, an axe murderer or a Wendigo and if it's either of the latter you're gonna have a hell of a fight on your hands!"

The laugh that followed was Jay's, thankfully, and it was- it was a laugh. It was real and bright and Jay.

She moved quickly to meet him at the dock but stayed in the water when he motioned for her to, straining to see him in the dark until he finally sat. He looked… better. Less stressed, his face less drawn, and for the first time she wondered how long he'd been standing there.

"I let Lonnie live for you."

Whatever she'd thought he was going to say it hadn't been that but she barely had time to process it before he was barreling on.

"I wanted to do it for myself, to… find the kind of mercy in me that you have but I couldn't. I don't have it. So I did it for you. And I thought that meant that you had to show up and fix everything that came after so that... so that I wouldn't have to. And that wasn't fair, I had no right to put that on you-"

"And I had no right to push you."

"The hell you didn't." Jay flushed as his voice carried out over the water and it was obvious he was beating himself up over raising it at her. Again.

But she didn't care.

She wasn't that fragile.

"I- I need you to push me. Which probably isn't fair to put on you either."

"I don't mind. Maybe sometimes you do need a push. But you told me, very clearly, that you weren't ready to have that conversation and I pushed it anyway and that is not okay. You set a boundary-"

"That wasn't a boundary that was..." He shook his head and looked away, and when he looked back she could see the remorse in his mossy eyes as clear as if it was day. "I don't want boundaries with you."

"I don't think that's healthy."

It definitely wasn't, but she couldn't fault him for thinking it- she had too. It was hard not to when they'd always shared everything but though it was true that sometimes they did need to push each other if the last few days had taught her anything it was that they couldn't do that all the time. They had to allow each other the space to sort through their problems on their own, and trust that they would bring the other in when they were ready.

"I'm not as strong as you."

Bullshi-

"I'm not. Being open, it comes naturally to you but to me it… doesn't. I need you for that. I need you… I need you more than you need me."

Fuck.

He seemed so certain, like it was so obvious but it wasn't. It wasn't true, not at all and it broke Tess's heart that he thought it was. She didn't realize she'd swum closer until Jay was taking her hand and then she squeezed it so tightly she honestly thought she might break something, but she still didn't loosen her grip. She needed him to hear her.

"It is not more. It's- it's different. But it's not more."

He looked doubtful, like he couldn't comprehend that she might actually need him as much as he needed her but even though she didn't have the words to express it better she watched it sink in that that was how he knew it was true. Because as strange as it still seemed sometimes there wasn't anything they needed more than each other.

That was why this distance was so hard, and not just the distance of the last few days or even the last few weeks; every time they had to say goodbye it hurt, and every time they saw each other again and had to catch up on what they'd missed it hurt just as much. And she didn't have an answer on how to make it not, except that…

"Maybe… maybe we get through being apart by being together. We learn how to take care of ourselves the way the other would take care of us. We teach each other."

The words sounded right and the last bit of tension in Jay's face relaxed, his lips even tilting up into one of those crooked smiles she loved so much.

"Are you offering me swimming lessons?"

Hell yes.

Starting right now.

Tess saw him realize what she was going to do a second before she did it, yanking on their hands until he tumbled head over ass into the water. She couldn't help laughing at the way he sputtered in shock when he surfaced but he quickly matched her grin, and when he opened his arms she swam right into them, the last of her own tension easing when she felt them wrap around her.

"You know, I would have taken these off."

"Don't worry- we will."

He laughed, another real, true laugh and then he kissed her and any thought that didn't involve him went flying out of her head. But that didn't mean that all of them were good. She could feel the difference in Jay, had noticed it the second he'd gotten close enough but that didn't mean all his anger or pain was just erased. And even if it wasn't directed at her anymore… there was a reason it had been. She hadn't gotten to finish her apology last night but she was going to now. And by the sadness that crept into his gaze when they finally broke apart he knew it. Didn't like it, but he knew it. But of course that didn't mean he wouldn't try to stop her.

"You don't have to-"

She smiled when he cut himself off and pushed closer, letting his touch soothe her and hoping, knowing, that hers did the same.

"I did want to stop Lonnie. I was going to. When I realized what they had wasn't enough but all the tests had already been run and if one of the results changed…" She watched him figure it out, saw it click that it wouldn't have been her who paid the price if someone suspected foul play but him, and then watched the guilt kick in.

"I'm such an asshole."

Tess tugged his head up till his eyes met hers, and brushed away the tears she didn't think Jay realized were slipping out."Lesson number one? Self-hatred isn't honorable. It isn't admirable. It's just… it's bullshit. It's useless. So when you feel it-"

"Jump in the nearest body of water?"

"That's one way to handle it." She said with a small laugh. "But more importantly? Remember that you're loved. By people who know you, who love you better than you love yourself. So trust those people. Rely on them. Open up to them, even if it's scary, even if you have no idea what to say- those are the times it matters most okay?"

He nodded but she knew him, knew how stubborn and strong willed he was, how much he hated needing help, so she tugged him closer to make sure he listened. "And remember that it's not just about you. The more you open up to others, the more they'll open to you. We get through life because of our bonds with others, not despite them. Just think where you'd be if you'd never opened up to me."

"I can't even imagine it."

She couldn't either.

Life without Jay?

It would be unbearable.

But she wasn't ever going to let it come to that.