Cool at Heart
By: Tangerine Dream
From: Melrose (1990)
Damnit, I'm happy!
Yet... what bothers me, if I'm happy!? Look at those people below, aren't they happy as well? Living their lifes, walking from there to here like ants, do they even care to ask themselves if they feel something? I don't feel nothing. Nothing but everything. It's as if I am supposed to do something, but there's a million of other possibilities that just remains as they are... possibilities.
I'm happy. Happy! Happy! Happy!
I could talk, could look around, could be eating a hot dog, could stop hitting this damn smokestack! I could express some happiness, for once. Instead of of taking it out on some poor, defenseless, static smokestack. I could become someone in life. Someone? Like Sir Fratley Irontail of Burmecia? Doesn't that sound important at all? Yes it does, but still, I feel hollow, incomplete... and that doesn't make any sense at all!
I got my memories back, what else could be better than that? To remember the good old days, were you would discover the world around and be amazed by every single thing that your eyes stared at. Remember how wonderful it was to have a bed on your own, for a butterfly to land on top of your nose, to eat ginger cookies mom prepared for ya? They were shaped like dragons, little ginger dragons. Maybe I could try these one day.
Yes, it's good to remember these. Not only remember, but my skin... I don't know how to explain it in better words, but everytime I remember a moment of my past life, my skin shivers. A pleasant shiver. Doctor Tot's research about memory didn't included anything about that warm sensation. So, Fratley... why complain? I'm not complaining. I feel glad, yet, there's something missing in my life. But what, exactly? This very thing that's aching my heart, what could it be?
...
— ...You seem shaked. What happened? – Garnet asked, while she offered me a slice of bread. It's not everyday we have an afternoon lunch without talking about politics. Being the Queen of Alexandria ain't easy
— I had an awful nightmare – so does being a Dragoon Knight. Nothing can scare a Dragoon, but still...
— Well, it must have been that awful. It's sunny and you are pale like limestone – it's hard to see how I am inside a cup of tea. Wavy, rippling, torn apart like its leaves – mind if you tell what have you dreamt tonight? This if you want to talk about it.
— Sure. I will try – honestly, I can't remember much of what happened, if that indeed happened. Sometimes I wish it didn't – I saw many burmecian children walking in a row, falling inside a meat grinder. They all turned into mincemeat. Disgusting and fleshy mincemeat.
— I wonder what that means. For a nightmare, it sounds too specific.
— Indeed, my Majesty. That must be why I'm shaken. It felt too coherent for a casual nightmare. In fact, I've had more bad than good dreams recently – and I wonder why. Maybe something I ate, something that's been worrying me... these are just dreams, right? – these days I ran to General Beatrix and asked about her eye, to which she said 'what?' after I said that I beat the crap out of her with my very hands, to the point I stabbed one of her eyes. There was another dream in which I slapped a child for not obeying me. A child...
— I'm not sure, Lady Freya, but have you been feeling better recently? – the Queen is too kind for continuing giving me support. And more bread.
— I do feel a lot better knowing my people are alive – and knowing these are only nightmares – still, it'll take a long way for Burmecia to recover.
— And yourself too, as it seems – yes, seeing my home at ruins did something to me. Not just me, but everyone. Even Garnet feels it, I can see throught her eyes – speaking about Beatrix, I heard she resigned from the General post. It was her own decision. Something to do with taking care of family, to spend more time with them.
— I see – I too wish I had a family to take care of. There are many orphans wandering around the streets, asking for food, care, a bed, and some parents. It's not like I miss mine, but I'm still young. So young... – have you saw Fratley? He left without saying a thing.
— He must be taking a walk around Alexandria – as usual. Maybe he'll be back soon, in time for I to... to... I don't know, I really don't know what I was about to say. Fratley ain't here at the moment – is there anything important you'd like to tell him?
— Not really. I wanted to ask Sir Fratley one thing...
— Whose thing?
— Nothing important. It's just that... – why can't I just tell Garnet? It's not really much of a secret. Remember when you borrowed of same feelings back then, when he rain fell slow down on all the roofs of uncertainty? – have you ever felt how empty this place is?
— Empty? The Castle? – Garnet looked around the garden outside. An evergreen garden sprouting of fruitful seeds – I really haven't noticed it.
— Hello ladies – Zidane came in. I'd hate if he looked at me like this – hi darling. Hi Freya. How are you? You seem a bit pale, more than usual.
— Why, thanks for noticing – they stare at me as if I was sick. Perhaps I am. Something in my throat... does not want to get out.
— The court has the best doctors and medicians. That one chiropractic layed his hands on my back and my skin's soft like a baby's!
— Freya is having heart issues, sweetie – Garnet knows me.
— A heart attack? Oh, poor thing... we better open up your chest and-
— No, Zidane! Can't you see?
— Oh, by heart issues, you mean that... – Zidane knows me too. Playful as always – my, it looks like someone just monsooned on your parade. What's wrong?
— I... I don't know what's wrong.
— Face it, Freya. Things have never gone better – the King... I mean, Prince Consort, he began to explain. Everything is wonderful to his eyes – the negotiations between Lindblum and Burmecia are running smoothly and clear. If a conflict is about to happen, we'll solve it throught talk, like the one we're having. It's not like we're our ancestors grunting to one another as a sort of communication, not anymore.
— We have fought for so long, and yet... – I really don't know what's happening with me.
— Everyone's recovering from the loss. To rebuild a Kingdom is easy, compared to people left in ruins – all I know is that Garnet is trying, and there are times she's really good at it. So does Zidane.
— I owe you a lot, my friends – I used to have problems with monarchy in the past. How such people felt important to the rest, but I see no such thing on Queen Garnet, or her husband. They're slightly older, barely any changes happened. As for me, though... – I decided to keep being a Dragoon Knight, to never give up. But something still isn't right. I feel dislocated. Sort of how I felt when I was a teenager, unaware of my place in the world.
— Then you're just looking at the surface, Ratchel – I knew Zidane would say that name to piss me off. In a tender and gentle way, how nice – it isn't a Dragoon's problem, but really a Freya Crescent's problem.
— ...You know, you could be right – at last, I can feel the tea's taste – I've been too busy being a Dragoon Knight that I haven't noticed a part of my life has been slipping away. I never realized how much I missed it... when I was a kid trying to find myself, I was surrounded by people like you, who were always there to assist me any way they could. There was mother, father, a few friends I made at Dragoon training... and Sir Fratley, of course. I want to talk with him. One thing I've been meaning to ask him since the day he left Burmecia to travel around the world.
— Maybe you should go talk to Fratley now, if that's important – Garnet said, as she took one bread away from my dish – and I who thought you had this face because you were hungry!
— There comes a time in one man's life when they realize they are not alone, my sweet canary – I can't stand Zidane's flirt. To think he once tried it with me... well, guess not much everything changes – it truly is important, I saw in Freya's eyes.
— I'm really lucky to have you in my life – as much as I can't stand the fonding they share with each other throught fingers covered in butter, I'm grateful for having Zidane and Garnet at my side – talking to you has helped a lot, honest. Later.
— See you, Lady Freya – Garnet waved her hand as I jumped over the wall dividing the castle's garden to Alexandria's outskirts.
...
...Where does I fit in all of it?
I see poverty and decay every street I go. None of my concern, or is it? I am a Dragoon Knight, can't I fix it? Can't I make that old woman who crossed this street years ago shed of a smile? Why, if I don't even know her? She does not know me, what I'm trying to prove? Am I really up to fixing things, if I can't even fix myself? I tried and tried, but I'm yet to see any results.
— Nice, nice! – I see a rat kid in the middle of junk. I think I know him... – oh, hi Frat!
— Hi... – and he knows me. Again, what was his name? Eh – Gael?
— It's Rael. With 'R'. Don't you remember?
— Oh, Rael... that's you – I met him before. He was into cleaning windows for living. A kid, living like an adult. He plays with the junk, like a pirate digging for a treasure. SHould I interfere? It ain't healthy, but knowing Rael, it's one of the few moments where he feels like a kid – what are you doing?
— Well... lots of people leave things in here. Like food, like, uh... apples. Do you like apples? – he offers me a bitten apple. I certainly do not like these.
— No, thanks.
— Hey, I found a Kupo Nut! – Rael raises from the filth, triumphant – what's it doing here? No matter. If I give it to a moogle, then he'll give something back! See? I got this Nut and a Kupo Teeth.
— A Kupo Teeth? Where did you got it?
— Hah... These days, I beat the crap out of a moogle – so Rael and I walk somewhere else. I get distracted by the boy's words in the way to who knows where – then I got his teeth. Shine white as porcelain. I think I'll give the Nut and his teeth back.
— Why did you punched a Moogle? I'm disappointed with you.
— No, I didn't punched him. It... it was his mom, yeah! The moogle's mom hit him.
— Who are you trying to fool, Rael? – it's weird to see the boy pretend to be deceitful with me.
— I heard you were amnesiac, so I thought you'd forget what I said...
— Rael, that ain't like you – I'm truly disappointed. How long has it been since Rael and I met, a week? – I thought you were kind.
— Enough being kind! This world does not give a fuck to kind people – how much a rough week changes one little burmecian.
— From where did you heard such words? – I can't accept this kid 'changed'. There's a lot of changes about to happen, like now.
— I was at the pub sneakin' some coins. Funny people, they talk funny things.
— It ain't funny to swear.
— But they do all the time! Isn't that supposed to be funny? – it hurts to see Rael this cynical. I don't even know who he is, so why is this much of a shock? He's not like my son or anything, just a little boy... that reminds of me – uh, sorry Frat. I'm done washing windows, and I see everyone complain about how their jobs suck and they say the funny words, that they are unemployed and having no job sucks, what the hell.
— A kid should not have a job. They should live instead.
— Why do adults live for job? – I kinda understand Rael's problem. It's just that I... I can relate to him, but he's just a kid. How to tell a kid they're just... a kid? A kid who does not even know the meaning of being one, like I did long ago.
— People are self-sufficient. They need a job in order to live.
— Survive, you mean – I see throught Rael's rags. Each one tells a different story. Some were made by the boy himself, by working hard enough, by men who haunted and... there's a purple smudge near his cheek, and the scarf he's wearing clearly hides another wound.
— Rael, has someone hurt you? – I don't mean the wounds at skin.
— You mean this? – but Rael thought I was referring to his cheek – oh, I got caught, that's all. You can't steal an apple with no bites that you get bitten. Or slapped, in this case.
— I see. Be careful next time.
— ...What? I thought you would say something like 'do not steal' – so I thought.
— It's your life. Your choice. Please don't get hurt, for the love of God don't get yourself in danger, Rael – I do see myself in this boy. When I used to be a vagrant, running around and unsure of what to do, where to go, whose path to follow...
— Fratley... Why do you care? – I wonder. It's not just me seeing myself in someone else, but... I really care for Rael's safety. He walks around smelling like a dog, somehow he's still healthy and alive.
— Because... I am your friend. Know that you are not alone.
— Yep, a great friend. Where was you when I was broken and hopeless, eh? – it took a while for Rael to notice I really meant it. He goes throught past memories and realizes at once – though, Frat... you are the one who I talked the most with. Like, whenever you and me are together, you... you talk. You listen. None of my 'friends' do it, those suckers. You are a weirdo, that's what you are. But... why are you still here? Do you like my company? I have nothing good to offer ya.
— And what about sharing? – maybe I know Rael more than he does to himself. Yeah, maybe. Seeing him talk those rude things at sudden remind me of my youth, when I copied everyone's habits and maneers, until the day I realized I had my own identity. My own life...
— What's up, Fratley? You were all like 'I am your friend' to me and now you are all quiet, gee... hey, hey! – I hear the twist of fingers, but my thoughts reverberate louder in head – well, guess it's my turn to help you out. It's not like everyone except you has problems, right? Adult problems, I see... something's bothering you. What could it be? Tell me. Your problem can't be worse than mine, man. Or, can it?
— Nothing much to say. I got my memories back, they belong to mine and I'm doing fine most the time. You know Freya, right?
— That rat with red coat, sure!
— Well... I love Freya. It's just that I don't know how to say it to her without feeling this way. I'm truly grateful of how she believed in me when the rest thought I was worthless, occupying space and, in some way, useless. Freya helped me a lot, went throught and beyond any limits so she could make me feel like I'm living. To sumn it up, little buddy... I don't know how to express such gratefulness, how to compensate all those sleepless nights. I just don't know.
— ...Wait, is that it? – did Rael got distracted with something else? Understandable – why, just tell Freya that you love her. Just say it! Is that SO hard?
— For me, at least.
— Anyway... you'll find a way. We all do. Still finding a way to get out of here, to cling on top and piss at everyone's faces. Not that I already did it, but you get it.
— No, I did not – I hope Rael said it in a figurative speaking. Knowing him, he's loud and clear.
— Neither I. Girls are disgusting. I won't love them, ever!
— One day you will.
— One day? I feel old already – why is Rael looking at me? I'm not old – alright, that's my leaving. Bye!
— Bye.
Rael is gone. Our lives barely touch, but I feel we'll meet again.
That's how life works. Kinda.
It ain't life that worries me. Everything's fine. Except...
I have been thinking... When I became a Dragoon Knight, that affected my lifestyle, my relationships, my routine, everything about me! I wanted to get noticed, wanted to show everyone what I was capable of. It's time I realized I have spent so much time and energy accepting that I am Sir Fratley... that I've actually denying that I'm just Fratley. The 'Sir' is only part of my life, not the whole of it. For a long while, I felt people were prompt to remember me as being a Knight more than they actually remember me as being a person, so that's why I kept trying, why I moved forward. Sure, I felt devastated, loss when I lost my memories. Not only those of being a Dragoon Knight, but everything about me, and now that I got it back, even if a few...
It's about time to put Fratley first, to do what's right for me. Maybe even do things I should have, years ago. Time to start a new life!
— Fratley... – here she comes. From up the ceiling, Freya jumps and wonderfully lands on her feet – I found you.
— Nice to meet you.
— Good, because I've been thinking, and there's something I want to ask.
— Let's get back to Alexandria's castle first – it's getting late. The candlelighters are showing up
— I have tried to get in touch with you all afternoon, Fratley – and Freya is desperate at meaning to say something to me. Nothing important.
— Same. Why don't we go somewhere else?
— Here its fine for me. I'll just ask-
— Oh, geez! I forgot my wallet. I wanted to buy something for you, darling – something's different on her. Freya looks shy, like a girl hiding a secret aching the heart. I haven't saw her that vulnerable for a long while.
— That's very kind of you, but I just want to-
— My, did it got completely dark all of sudden? – it feels like I'm purposefully avoiding Freya. Nah. It's really nothing important.
— It sure did, but-
— Can't we discuss later, honey? I'm kind of frazzled right now – is that your excuse? Your arguments seem beliavable – hey, look, is not that Eiko? The little summoner is here. So does Zidane, Garnet, Steiner, Beatrix, Quina, Vivi's kids, Amaran-
— Blast it, Fratley! This can't wait! – beliavable except for Freya, whose claws grabbed my shoulders, holding them tight. I can't run away, not this time – all I need is a yes or no.
— A yes or no? What do you m-
— Sir Fratley Irontail of Burmecia... will you MARRY me?
Gulp.
Next: Sir Fratley's Answer!
