Chapter 8
Five Years Ago
She didn't like cemeteries. To be fair she didn't think most people did, it was in their nature to be haunted, every tombstone a literal reminder of a life lost, opportunities missed and words left unspoken, but she especially didn't like this one. Not because any of her loved ones were inside, but because two of Jay's were.
And she knew exactly which one he was at tonight.
Tess held back a sigh and slipped a few bills out of her wallet as the cab came to a stop, already waving off the driver as she passed them up. "Serkan, I will be fine. See, that's my friend's car right there. I'm just going to find him and then we'll leave."
"Miss please- my wife makes me keep a spare, it is no trouble."
"That's very kind, of you and Eda but I promise I'll be okay. Go pick up your next fare." She handed him the cash and gently pushed the jacket back towards him, the one he'd been offering ever since he'd picked her up outside the airport, then got out with one last smile, waiting until the sweet but stubborn Turkish man began to drive away before she turned to survey the grounds.
It was cold out, and no doubt Jay was going to give her shit when he saw her in just a hoodie but she meant what she'd said- they weren't going to stay long.
He'd already been here close to an hour.
Sometimes timing was a bitch but today it had worked in her favour so Tess sent a grateful thanks up to the universe as she dumped her bag inside his truck and then started trudging through the snow towards Ben's grave. It had been awhile since she'd visited it but she knew Jay came a couple times a year, sometimes more depending on the kinds of cases he'd been working; they never got easier, not if you were a decent human being anyway and she knew Ben's would always hit the hardest but now…
Did Jay feel better now the one responsible had been punished?
Or did he still wish he had been the one to kill him?
She held back another sigh and wrapped her arms tighter around herself, slowing as the man in question finally came into view. He was sitting with his back pressed against the side of the grave, a somber and lost look on his face as he fiddled with a beer can, empty by the lack of care with which he handled it. It was the only one she could see and he'd probably finished with it a while ago but then it wasn't as though there was anywhere he could put it, and he would never be so disrespectful as to leave it behind. But he didn't seem quite ready to take it with him yet either.
He probably didn't know what to do with himself once he did.
Deciding he was done figuring it out for himself she went to move forward but apparently his sense of her was just that good because before she'd even taken a step Jay's head popped up, his eyes locking on her instantly. There was a brief moment where they just took each other in but then his brow furrowed in a familiar look of resigned annoyance and she grinned, staying where she was as he stood and made his way over, taking off his jacket as he did. He quickly slid it up her arms and zipped it up, all the way of course, then tugged at it like he was making sure as much of her was covered as could be and then he met her gaze once more, and this time when she opened her arms he stepped right into them.
It had only been five days since everything had happened, everything being that Lonnie Rodiger had been found murdered and Jay had been accused of being the one to kill him, at least until he'd proved that he hadn't. No, thanks to a bit of help from his team and an almost decade long obsession with the family he'd been able to prove that the one responsible had been none other than Phil Rodiger, the man who had always so fiercely protested his son's innocence. According to his own confession after hearing Jay's accusation that Lonnie was going to kill again, which had been partly based on her own tip that his online activity had been increasing, his father had gone on his computer and the child pornography he'd found coupled with the rope and duct tape under the bed had been enough to convince him of his sons' past guilt. And future intentions. Tess couldn't imagine what had gone through either of their minds during the confrontation that followed but given how it had ended, with Phil using a belt to strangle the life out of his son just like Lonnie had done to Ben and the other boys… well she didn't particularly try to.
So really, considering all that had happened she'd gotten here pretty quickly this time. But she still knew from experience how five days could feel like five decades so even though it wasn't much in comparison she took a minute to just hold Jay, squeezing until she knew he could feel all the love she was sending his way and then she pulled back, ducking under his arm when he draped it over her shoulder and led them away.
It had been a long time coming, but this chapter was finally closed.
When they got back by the road she spotted a taxi across the way and realized that Serkan had never actually left so she started flapping Jay's jacket until she saw the mans' head tilt back in laughter, before he at last pulled out of the lot.
"Was that Tahir?"
"Serkan." She replied with a slight flush, though it shouldn't surprise her Jay had been keeping note of the different drivers she kept on hand- he'd met most of them. She was surprised when he passed her his keys and motioned for her to get behind the wheel but she didn't comment on it, just jumped in and started it up, smiling when he reached forward to blast the heat.
"Did you just get in?"
There was something about the way he asked, like he already knew the answer but had almost…. reminded himself of it and in response she was reminded just how deep their connection went. How easily they could read each other, even after all this time.
Even where they were now.
So she didn't bother answering, just smiled and buckled herself in. "Your bed or mine?"
"Yours."
His lack of hesitation made Tess feel better about the question, about the fact that they didn't always share the same bed anymore and she nodded, passing him her phone before she pulled out of the lot. "Okay, but you need to order room service. I'm starving."
Fuck.
She really was hungry.
The last thing she'd had to eat was the Tim Hortons bagel she'd scarfed down at the airport after leaving Langley, and before that had been the chicken alfredo and pringles on the plane back from Tehran. Which had been about… thirty hours ago. It was getting hard to ignore the gnawing in her stomach but Tess didn't have much to distract her from it; Jay had slipped back into his head almost as soon as they'd started driving and she didn't have the heart to pull him out.
She didn't have the energy.
Her last op had only been six weeks but it had been a solo one, though it probably shouldn't have been, but she was sure that was why she'd been given it. A subtle punishment for her latest 'stunt', as if what happened in Columbia had been her fault. Or hadn't been warranted. But she wasn't supposed to make those kinds of calls. She was supposed to be told. To follow. And lately Tess was less and less willing to do that.
But that wasn't something she needed to be thinking about right now. Right now she needed to focus on Jay. A quick glance showed he didn't seem upset, just quiet, the way he got when he was settling himself so she let him. That was something they'd both gotten used to. Giving each other space. Realistically it was something they'd always done it just… it felt different lately. The last few years really. It used to be that there was something sacred in the space between them, a peace they longed for and that was still true, would always be true but it… it wasn't the first refuge they ran to anymore.
Now they went to themselves first.
She didn't know when it had happened, didn't have the exact moment she'd felt the switch, in her or in him but it had happened. It had felt like it needed to, like they needed to.
Like something was coming and they had to be able to stand on their own for it.
The way things had been going that seemed likely. Her relationship with the agency was tense to say the least, worse than it had been in years, worse than ever actually and that was going to have to come to a head sooner or later. And it wasn't just her job causing problems, though she was the one who had to leave, a burden that was getting heavier to bear. Jay was moving up the ranks, first to Organized Crime and now onto Intelligence, the top unit in the city. She was so proud of him. If he didn't have to take an exam she'd say it probably wouldn't be long until he was a Sergeant himself but knowing him he was going to put that off as long as he could; he was happy being a detective, being in a position where he had enough respect and authority to make change without too much of the responsibility. He'd already shouldered a lot, and even years later she knew that was still a sore subject. So with all the expectations put on them and all the distance between them it made sense that they'd taken a step back, but Tess still didn't like it.
Honestly, she was terrified of it.
So much for not thinking about it. But luckily they were almost to her room, to a bed and a shower and food, and-
"I love you."
The declaration just slipped out when she saw Ben rolling a trolley out of her suite but though the room service boy startled and blushed he quickly beamed back at her. "Everything is set up in the living room. I um, we had a dessert that wasn't made properly, an allergy thing, so I brought it up for you. It's the wild berry tart."
Ugh. He was the best- definitely her favourite employee here. She just wished he would get used to her tipping him.
"You really don't have to do that."
"Ben. A beautiful, mysterious, rich woman is giving you cash. Take it."
She held the bill out towards him and since he knew from experience that she wouldn't drop her arm until he'd taken it he only hesitated a moment, giving her one his sweet, flabbergasted looks before he hurried back towards the elevator.
"You know he has a crush on you."
"No he doesn't- he's just shy. He's a sweet kid."
Jay made a noise that was just shy of a scoff as she ushered him into the room but then all she could smell was the food and everything else pretty much stopped existing. Tess basically had to drag herself into the shower but she knew if she didn't then she wouldn't until tomorrow and going another day smelling like airports and sand and the industrial complexes she'd been squatting in really didn't sound appealing. By the time she was done she felt almost like a human again and once she tucked into the food, which Jay had ordered without a single question, and which was exactly what she'd been craving, she was starting to feel downright giddy.
Nothing could beat the feeling of coming home, even if it wasn't the same one she was used to.
She'd had four in her life, five if she counted the cabin in Tofino. And she had loved all of them, had felt welcomed and cherished in every place. But they hadn't been hers. Not entirely, not in the way she'd started to realize she needed. That was part of what had prompted her to move in here, that and all those other reasons she didn't want to delve back into right now. It had taken a while for Jay to accept that, and Mouse and Lydia, and she didn't think any of them understood why she was still here, why she didn't just bite the proverbial bullet and get her own apartment, and truth be told she didn't either. All she knew was that it didn't feel right yet, and that was enough for her.
Tess had learned to trust her gut- aside from a few select people it was the only thing that had never let her down.
The man next to her was one of those few and it was to him she gave her attention now. He was back in his head but his focus seemed to be on her, on her hoodie judging by the way he toyed with the material, his fingers teasing one of the holes in the side. Things between them were so different now. But they also weren't. No matter how tense or awkward things had gotten in this transition, this… evolution of their relationship, who they were and how they were hadn't changed. They hadn't let it, and she didn't know if she would ever find the words to express how grateful she was for that. For him.
No matter what was ahead, Tess would make sure they didn't lose that.
She didn't think she'd survive if she did.
But again, that wasn't something she needed to be thinking about right now. She needed to focus on the man beside her, the one whose gaze was slowly trailing up her body, lingering on the pendant around her neck before finally meeting hers. For a second he looked startled to find her watching but then his lips tilted up in a crooked smile, his hands tightening where they rested on her legs like he could pull her any closer than she already was. And he probably could, but not if they wanted to keep this PG-13, which they did try to.
Sometimes.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Jay responded by taking a deep breath, and though his face started to relax it took another minute before he started speaking and once he did it became clear that this was the first time he'd really processed what had happened out loud. Pretty typical of him, but then she'd never liked how inclined he was to keep things to himself. "I think I feel better. And I don't think that I should, but I do. I don't like the way it happened, it was- it was fucked up to begin with and now it's even more fucked up, in ways that I don't want to think about even though I can't fucking stop, but I'm glad. I'm glad Lonnie is dead. That he can't hurt anyone else. That I… that I was right."
The fervor in his voice trailed off as he finished and Tess swore she could see the black cloud that hovered over him, the loud claps of intrusive thoughts and burning bolts of guilt, the storm he couldn't quite pull himself out of.
"You were right. And I'm sorry it took so long for that to come to light. I'm sorry…" She was sorry for a lot. For things she knew he wouldn't ever want her to be, but she was. How many times had she gone over that night in her head? All the dozen things she could have done differently, the suffering she could have prevented. "It is one of my biggest regrets that I didn't stop him when I had the chance."
Yeah, he did not like her saying that.
He didn't say anything but with that furrow in his brow he didn't have to and she waited patiently for the gentle flick of his fingers against her forehead. To be fair she was the one that had started the habit, however many years ago. Actually technically her mom had but she'd co-opted it; it had been hard not to when she'd grown up watching it.
She didn't think she'd ever told him that.
Not because she didn't want to, it was just one of those things, one of those connections she'd wanted to keep for herself. She had so few of them left.
"It wasn't on you to stop him. And…"
If his voice hadn't called her out of the past the way it trailed off would have and she watched intently as he slipped into his own mind, his head shaking lightly before he came back.
"I don't think it was on me either. We did what we could."
Something seemed to settle in him as he spoke but she could tell there was still something that was bothering him, not though he elaborated on it. In fact he was quiet for so long she started to get worried but she gave him the space to try and sort it out himself, at least until it looked like that wasn't going to happen. "Jay?"
Well he came back quickly but as his grip tightened she prepared herself for what he was about to share.
"I went to see Danny, after I was suspended. I thought he might've… but he thought I had. Actually, I don't know if he did but he… he offered to take the fall for it. For me."
Oh.
That wasn't nearly as bad as she'd expected.
She imagined it was a horrible feeling, not one she'd experienced but they were both familiar with sacrifice. But the way she saw it… Tess finally sat up from where she'd been laying sprawled across the couch, tucking her arms into her chest as his slipped around her back. "You are not going to like this, but I think that is one of the highest compliments you could receive. I mean it." She added when he huffed but he just shook his head and tugged gently on her hair.
"I thought you weren't a fan of vicarious redemption."
"First of all, I'm not. It is weird and creepy and immoral." Jay shook his head again, taking the finger she hadn't realized she'd raised and twining it with his as she continued. "Second, that's not what this is. Danny offered to take the consequences, not the responsibility. That's totally different."
There was a moment where he looked like he wanted to fight her on that, like he wanted to hold onto his guilt and his grief but slowly his shoulders dropped, the last of his tension melting away as that final piece settled. Good. Tess had a knack for calming Jay down, much like he did with her but she still couldn't help wishing she could have done more. But then, she hadn't really had to this time.
He'd had other people looking out for him.
"Stalker."
Shit.
Had she said that out loud?
It wasn't like he wasn't used to it but she still felt herself flush, even as she grinned back. "In ways you will never know."
And I will never stop.
In an instant thinking about protecting him became thinking about missing him, which turned into a fierce need to take advantage of his presence while she still had it. Who knew how long it would be before she had to go again? Judging by the way Jay drew her closer his mind had gone to the same place and she suddenly became hyper aware of his fingers as they flexed on her side, of his heart pounding beneath her hands as they rested on his chest, where they'd gone without her notice, gripping his shirt like she was on the verge of yanking him into her. She'd thought earlier that they should keep things PG-13, keep that line they'd worked so hard to draw in place but how often did that actually work?
Not very.
And even when it did it wasn't like those feelings just disappeared. So why did they try to make them?
Why fight it?
Her eyes found Jay's at the same time his found hers and Tess knew he was just as tired of holding back as she was. They weren't meant to fight- they were just meant to be.
She wasn't sure who moved first but the next thing she knew his lips were on hers and all those concerns, all her worry over how he'd been faring the last few days and the stresses she'd been carrying the last couple weeks vanished. She sank into his kiss, feeling weightless as he carried her into the bedroom, like the only thing keeping her tethered to this world was him; she hadn't realized until this moment just how heavy she'd been feeling. How burdened. She needed this, needed this feeling of safety and security, of home. Jay was her home, in the truest sense of the word, and when he laid her on the bed and wrapped his arms around she knew no four walls could ever compare.
Tess gave herself to him, arching her body against his as he took her mouth with a passion that told her he felt the same need just as deeply, just as fiercely, and if she hadn't needed to breathe she would have let him kiss her forever. But she did so even though it killed her she tore her lips away, gasping out a chuckle when he just moved to her neck, and then a moan when he moved onto her chest. He'd barely even touched her but she could already feel herself getting wet and the way he slipped her sweater off her shoulders made her shiver with anticipation, hurriedly tossing it off the bed as he made his way down her body, his fingers leaving trails of fire in their wake as he pushed down her shorts. Yeah, she needed this. But he seemed content to tease, or at least to take his time, he was always so thorough, peppering her legs with kisses, from her ankle to thigh and then back down the other side, until he kissed that spot behind her knee that always made her squirm and then she did yank him into her, up to her mouth where she made it clear she was done waiting. His husky huff of laughter sent more shivers down her spine but he listened, quickly slipping off her tank top and panties, his mossy eyes darkening to that wild hunter green as he looked her over, so focused she had to push him back when he went to descend on her again, raising her brow at his own clothes until he smirked and threw them off.
Fuck she loved his body.
Jay was tall and lean, his muscles firm and well defined but there was a softness to him too, one that most people didn't get to see. And no one, no one got to see him the way she did.
A primal possessiveness washed over her and she tugged him closer, savouring the feel of him beneath her hands as he went back to covering her in kisses, gentle ones at first and then slowly more demanding, alternating between pulling her nipple between his teeth and laving it with his tongue before switching to the next, over and over until the sensation started to drive her mad. And he didn't stop, didn't move to another part of her body, just stayed right where he was, sucking them into his mouth like his life depended on it. Tess had to literally drag him away, shaking her head to clear the haze and then rolling atop him before he could bring it back.
"Hey- I was doing something." He mumbled, sounding half annoyed to have been interrupted and half curious to see what she had in store.
"You were taking too long."
His eyes flared and she shot him a smirk as he licked his lips, taking her turn to make him tremble. She charted a path across his chest, one of many she'd mapped over the years, rubbing her core against his until that moment right before he got frustrated enough to thrust himself inside her and then moving away, waiting until he huffed in resignation before she did it again; his hands were like vice grips on her waist but he didn't try to guide her, just held on and enjoyed the ride. The time was Jay would have flipped her over and made her pay for every teasing moment, and sometimes he still did but she'd taught him to enjoy giving up control, just like he'd taught her to enjoy taking it.
And damn did she enjoy it.
She also enjoyed the noises he made, the groans and little grunts, the occasional breathless moan that made her toes curl. She brought him right to the point where he was ready to snap and then slid down his body and took his hard, throbbing cock in her hand; his sigh of relief made her chuckle but she still shot him a look that told him to behave, matching his grin when he responded by settling back against the bed. Tess took the same approach he had and went slowly at first, stroking him and rubbing her thumb over his slit to spread his precum and then she did the same with her tongue, up and down until his hips started to buck against the hand she used to hold him in place and then she took him in her mouth, twin moans of pleasure escaping them.
She loved seeing him like this.
Loved being the one who made him like this.
It didn't take long for him to grow insistent, that groan that came from deep within his throat turning into a whine, his hands tugging gently on her hair as he begged wordlessly for release so she gave it to him, taking him faster and deeper until he finally exploded on her tongue. She swallowed it down before pulling back to take him in, his chest heaving with ragged breaths, a tired but pleased grin on his lips and slowly made her way back up his body, kissing his neck and cheeks until she let out a yelp, caught off guard when he suddenly grabbed her and rolled on top.
"My turn."
His husky timbre made her core throb and her throat go dry but Tess managed a smirk, biting her lip as his eyes tracked the movement. "Feast away."
His grin told her he planned to and now it was her turn to settle against the covers, anticipation thrumming through her veins when he gave her a hard kiss. Of course he went back to her chest first, he had a fascination with her breasts that she wouldn't ever complain about, except in situations like this, but he soon moved lower and when he finally put his mouth on her she was the one letting out a sigh of relief. More like a cry, but it didn't really matter. All she wanted was more. And he gave it to her, in much the same way she had to him- it was a natural result of being together for so long that they knew each other so well, knew every spot that made them quiver and shake, made their breath catch or leave all together. And they took full advantage of the knowledge. Jay moved his tongue over her like he was playing an instrument and when he slipped it inside her all she could focus on was how good it felt, how she wanted it deeper, wanted his thumb to rub her clit harder and faster. But he didn't until she asked him to, begged more like it but she didn't care- he was the one in control now and she had no problem being at his mercy.
Because when he gave it to her?
When he pushed her right to the edge and finally allowed her over it?
There was no better feeling.
Her orgasm crashed over her like a tidal wave and she drowned happily in it, riding the aftershocks until he hit her with another and all she saw was stars and blackness. She didn't know how long it took until she could feel her body again, the gentle prickle of his stubble as he nuzzled her cheek and the sweet ache between her legs that still wasn't quite satisfied, that wouldn't be until he was inside her and they were finding that edge together. When she finally opened her eyes and found him smiling down at her she quickly pulled him in for a kiss, that free, weightless feeling spreading through her chest as he at last pushed into her; Tess let him set the pace but she matched every thrust, wrapping her arms around his neck like he was her anchor. And when he hiked her leg around his hip she needed one, needed something to keep her grounded against the wild sensations that were rocking her- he was so fucking deep. So fucking deep and so fucking hard, taking her with everything he had,
"Mine."
Her eyes fluttered open at the ragged whisper but his face was buried in her neck, his teeth nipping at her skin as he whispered it again.
"Mine, mine-"
"Yours."
Jay groaned and started nodding, gripping her so tight she knew there'd be bruises tomorrow but she didn't care. Of all the bruises she'd been given over the years, his were her favourite. The ones she cherished the most, that she didn't want to fade away. She wanted to be marked by him, wanted everyone to know that she was his and he was hers so to lay her own claim she dragged her nails down his back, bucking her hips faster and faster until it all became too much and then as one they exploded.
Tess knew it was instinct for him to try and hold himself up as they collapsed, silly boy knew how much she liked feeling of his weight on top of her but always worried he would crush her so she put a concentrated effort into pulling him down until he finally gave in, nestling into her as they basked in the afterglow; whether they fucked or made love there was always a peace that came with being together. With knowing someone knew you just as intimately as you knew yourself. Knowing they loved you more than you did yourself. And because of that she was ready to be tugged atop him when he rolled onto his back, and made sure that the blanket he placed over her covered him just as much.
"I love you pretty girl."
He did.
Jay loved her, and he took care of her, and he was there for her whenever she needed him. And no matter what happened that would never change.
Not ever.
"Love you too Ranger."
She had everything. She knew she did but she was still looking around the room like something was going to jump out from behind the sofa; she didn't know what, everything she needed for her ops fit neatly in her knapsack, but she still kept looking.
Because she was stalling.
No matter how many times she did it leaving never got easier. Not on her, not on Lydia whose beautiful face had worry lines permanently etched onto it, not on Mouse who was becoming almost as much of a stalker as she was and certainly not on Jay who was watching her with barely concealed displeasure. Not at her, but at her imminent departure. And okay, maybe a little at her, though probably not so much he was even aware. But he had to be frustrated, didn't he? It had been almost a decade since they'd met- wasn't he tired of her leaving?
Didn't he want her to stop?
She knew the answer to that, but she also knew he would never say it. Jay would never ask her to quit, no matter how badly he wanted to.
But how much longer could she expect him to keep waiting?
"Any idea how long this ones gonna last?"
She held back a sigh, the last thing she wanted was to add to his worry, then shrugged. "Couple months? Maybe a little more, maybe a little less- you know how it is."
He nodded, because he did, then came and stood in front of her and it took everything Tess had not to nestle into the fingers that grazed her cheek as he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear; nine years later and he was just as obsessed with it as he had been at the beginning. And she was just as obsessed with him.
"Be safe, okay?"
"I always am."
Well she always tried to be, but that had to be enough. Both of them knew there were no such things as guarantees in this life, and definitely not in their jobs. A sharp jab of yearning hit her straight in her heart and she pulled him in for another hug, taking in the sound of his heart and the comforting smell of chocolate and musk, the sense of security that was never quite as strong as when she was in his arms.
"You be safe too." She mumbled against his shirt, smiling and holding back tears when she felt him nod and press a kiss to her head before they stepped back.
"Can I walk you down?"
"As opposed to us taking separate elevators?"
He gave her a dry look and she smothered her laugh, letting him take her bag as they finally walked out. With any luck she'd be back before either of them knew it.
