A/N: For my first note, I've only read the SOC duology and will be starting the other books soon. Obviously within these parameters things might not be 100% canon-correct so please be understanding. Also, as a side note, in case there are others who have not read the books or at least ROW please don't put any spoilers in the comments :)
As a side note, the first two parts (especially the first) can be very emotional and heavy. The first chapter is a bit more passive narrative with flashbacks but it will be more present-based in the second.
Part One
"You know that we'll have to pick one sooner or later."
Nina was silent as her fingertips lightly traced circles and other small designs on her enlarged stomach. Her lips stayed together as though waxed in place, her eyes never leaving the orange glow of the fireplace in the Van-Eck mansion.
She hears Matthias sigh after a few moments, feels the dip in the bed beside her. She freezes slightly at the warm body touching her before relaxing a bit again, but doesn't reposition her body an inch.
"Nina—"
"I don't want to."
Her voice was hoarse and her breath hitches and she told herself it was because she hadn't spoken in a while.
She doesn't look at Matthias but sees his hand come into her line of vision and her eyes move from the fireplace to her stomach as she feels his warm hand capture the one that was earlier soothing her with tracing imaginary lines. She feels the squeeze of his fingers and has to force her breath not to hitch again.
There was silence for a moment, threatening to swallow her whole before she opens her mouth slightly, letting the warm air through it as she took in a sharp breath.
"I can't, Matthias," she whispers, her voice shaking, blinking a few times faster than she normally did as she stared at her bloated, round stomach. "I can't."
His hand squeezes her's again and she tries to gulp down the water suddenly stuck in her throat.
She didn't have it in her heart to have a name picked out.
Because that would mean that it would have a name. That it would become more real.
And she didn't know if she could take it all again. When the it became her that was hard enough. She tried to hold it at arms length because already images of holding its name close to her heart while holding her cold body already haunted her every second behind her eyes. It would kill her. She knew it would.
She was jealous of all those other couples she had ever seen in her life. Of mothers with animated smiles as they held their growing stomachs and talked with friends or neighbours about things that people probably didn't want to hear but was too happy to notice. Of fathers who had smaller pieces of wood in their arms as they carried it home to build a crib. Of mothers beginning to make cute and soft blankets of multiple colours. Of parents marvelling over the pregnant woman's stomach as they watched the first kick. Of soon-to-be parents who were so excited to put out their favourite names they wanted to choose for their soon to be newborn.
That had been them once. She still remembered the moments of that first pregnancy with incredible dread that threatened to make her feel like she was falling to the ground from a mountain. Nothing to catch her before she hit the ground, no net to protect her from the fall. Matthias's eyes bright as she told him, how fiercely he hugged her and wouldn't let go of her for hours.
Now those images were replaced with watching the initial, first second joy literally evaporate from Matthias's eyes as realization hit him a moment later and they were replaced with instant worry and fear as the beam melted slowly from his face. The guilt she felt in that moment crushed her even if comforting Fjerdan told her constantly that it wasn't her fault. That guilt burrowed deep into her soul.
Because who does that? Who turns terrified and weary when hearing what is supposed to be the greatest news a wannabe-parent couple wants to hear?
"Don't you want to have something in your mind the moment you see her, to call her the moment she comes out?" Matthias asked softly.
She had done that before.
Her
her her her her her her
The first time it happened when she was a little over two months along. Or at least that's how long it was since she knew she was pregnant. Her Grisha midwife, Sybell, didn't even get a chance to examine her to confirm any dates before she woke up feeling sure that someone had pressed a knife into her abdomen. It hadn't been enough time for her to know if it was a boy or a girl. She didn't have an inkling herself either.
But she had been six months along the second time. Six months. Sybell had told her to keep off her feet as much as possible, to take life easy to be sure the baby would make it to term after a miscarriage, but even her weariness was gone after a few weeks and it was like the floodgates opened.
Six months of excitement after the initial fear wore off when they made it past the first mile stone that the first didn't. Six months of her stomach growing and body changing. Six months of Matthias holding her to his chest, an arm wrapped around her as she slept and his hand rested on her stomach and never moving in his deep sleep. Six months of feeling the baby growing into her stomach, of that first amazing moment and then many times after of feeling the baby moving inside her. Of excitedly grabbing Matthias's hand to hold it to her stomach as they stared at each other, eyes wide in pure wonder at this new feeling that neither had ever experienced before.
Those memories hurt more than the first.
Around the fourth month was when it had become him. She wasn't sure when it exactly happened, but she began to realize that every time she would think of Baby, the word Boy suddenly popped up in her mind. She told Matthias, who had been ecstatic at the thought of having a boy, a Son. And within the fifth month she had her first dream. The dream of holding a baby in her arms. Sometimes she was in their bed, sometimes she was in the kitchen walking around, sometimes out in the field of their house. But whenever she looked down at the baby in her arms, snug and safe and sleeping she had the whisper of Boy wandering around her mind. Every time.
Those images became the cruelest joke and wounded her too deep for her to ever recover when she held her tiny, waxen white boy in her arms after hours of cramps, sobs, pushing, and blood.
And holding the name close to her heart only wounded it more. Because it had become so much more personal. Because it had turned to him, which turned to…..
She squeezed his hand as she took another sharp intake as she considered the possibility. Matthias held her hand tighter back, bringing the other up to cup her hand, rubbing it gently demonstrating his silent understanding.
For the entire long eight, soon to be nine months of this pregnancy she had spent the entire time on edge with dread pitted permanently in her stomach and waiting for the ball to drop. For her to no longer feel the little girl inside her moving. To stop having the dreams. To find spots or pools of red on the bed or on her clothes. To feel the sudden cramping that would make her double over in pain. For her to feel her heart break all over again. For her to just know it was all over.
But it hadn't come yet. And she knew that everyone around her was feeling better about it. At the seven month mark, Sybell's weariness was diminishing and although told her to stay on complete bedrest, she was now confident and trying to build up the couple's excitement. Marya's gentle and caring tones as she talked and cared for Nina became brighter and she talked with a smile as she asked Nina questions about the baby and how Nina was doing. The Van Eck house was more abuzz each day once she hit the eight month mark. Her friends didn't seem as guarded around her and Jesper was joking around with her more not to cover up the awkwardness but because they seemed to be falling back into their old selves. Even saints-damned Kaz seemed more open and talkative to her instead of just talking lightly to her with some look in his eye that would've resembled something akin to protectiveness and fear in anyone else's eyes.
Matthias had slowly pushed himself away from the ledge by the time they hit eight months. He began walking like there weren't weights attached to his ankles, or something holding down his shoulders. He seemed more rested as the bags under his eyes disappeared, his appetite came back, he talked a little louder and personality, and he even began smiling in excitement at the thought of their child.
She couldn't bring herself to feel any of what they had though.
Because she was still waiting for what she was sure would be the inevitable. No matter what Sybell said, no matter what Marya tried to assure her, no matter how excited the others got. No matter how careful they had been, that she had been laying down ever since she had been expecting. That she had been waited upon by Wylan's servants every day to make sure she wouldn't have to lift a finger and Matthias could stay by her side as much as possible. No matter how much she felt the baby inside her become more and more from a seed to a shining diamond.
"She will be here soon, my red bird," he tells her softly, kissing the top of her head as he shifts closer to her. "Don't you wish for her to have a name."
"Many people don't name their children until they see them first," Nina tries to keep a matter of fact tone.
She feels his sigh again and she purses her lips, her gaze cemented on the fire because if she turns to him she might not be able to stop whatever comes.
"You can't seep holding her at an arms length," his voice is even softer this time.
She felt something pricking against her eyes and she tries to blink it away.
"What if something goes wrong?" Her entire body shudders along with her voice.
This time she felt Matthias shift until he was laying beside her and she bit her lip to keep her chin from trembling. She curled back into him but couldn't let go of his hands.
He had been there for both losses. He had seen what it did to her just as much as she saw what it had done to him. He had always seemed like the person who not just wanted to have a family but became excited at the thought, and all of that proved true when she had told him what she expected their first time three and a half years ago. It was a loss, "these things happen" Zoya had told her. They were hurt, but they accepted it. She had tried to push past the nagging feeling in the back of her mind after that, the nagging that perhaps it was her fault. That the parem had affected her permanently more than just her Grisha powers. That it wouldn't be the only time.
But that nagging whisper became an alarm when Matthias walked with her to the wooded area behind their house almost a week later when Nina had the strength to not just leave her bed but actually walk around again. Although after the first few days she knew that it wasn't from the physical pain but more from the fact that she couldn't bring herself to uncurl herself from her bed. She knew that the others had offered to come and see them when a messenger came from the Van Eck home, but had heard Matthias softly reply to tell them it would be best if they were alone for now and she couldn't have been more grateful. She could barely handle the midwife coming to see her, she couldn't handle the presence of more bodies around her even if they were of her closest friends. When Inej and Zoya had sent letters saying they would make their way back to see her, she was at least grateful she would have a week or so before she would see them too.
It was one of the worse and oddest weeks of her life. A week where time blended together even though she stared at the window almost the entire time. She went in and out of sleep in long or short naps, only sure if it was day when the sun was out and when the room was soft orange from the fireplace. Matthias had held her for the first few days, only leaving to get them some food and making sure she drank a bit before she fell back to sleep again. They spoke softly to each other, tears softly staining their cheeks as they held each other over their loss. Sybell came a few times to check on her and see how she was healing but she remembered being mostly non-responsive. The scene of the days before going over and over in her head.
How she was woken up in the middle of the night with a stabbing pain to her lower stomach, so hard that she was already sweating when she woke up and when she moved a hand to wake Matthias she was suddenly screaming as a sharper pain came. Matthias had literally leapt up, more awake than he had ever been in the entire pregnancy. It had been chaos of her screaming, Matthias panicking, the blood starting, her sobbing in pain and because she knew. Matthias leaving then coming back a short while later from the neighbour's, then Sybell joining them later with a worried expression.
It's not time!
It's not time! It's too soon! It's too soon!
Her breath hitched again and Matthias held her closer and kissed her forehead, a steadying pulse as she wobbled more and more.
Reject. That was what Sybell had said. That she needed to push because her body would reject the baby one way or another. But how could her possibly reject something she loved so much? How could her body betray her like this?
Her body never felt so foreign to her once the whole ordeal was over. That she was a shell in someone else's skin. Because it couldn't be her's. She would never kill her own baby. Matthias had cleaned everything, had cleaned her and took care of her and it made her hate herself even more because she saw the way his own eyes changed and how defeated he looked, how his eyes were red even when he tried to hide it. He was suffering his own loss because of her and now he had to take care of the person who killed his son.
He talked softly to her, told her he loved her, how they would be okay, but she didn't feel okay. Matthias had been by her side for days but she never felt so alone or isolated. Like she was on a broken ship and her body was the ocean with no land in sight.
That was when the paranoia had begun to spread through her thoughts. Had this happened before just at a smaller scale? How many times had she been late on her cycle, just thinking that she was a few days or a week late when in reality it was a failed pregnancy. This was her second miscarriage. How many other babies had her body rejected?
After the first few days Matthias worked a bit more around the house. She was sure she heard him chopping wood in the yard a few times between naps and thought he was getting wood for the fireplace in their room until they made their way back to the wooded area that day. He must've been working hard, he had red and then a slightly bruised knuckle and palm for a few days. Two days before she had been able to move in the bed, changing positions. On the day before she surprised Matthias by making tea in the kitchen when he came inside from whatever he was doing. She had stared back at him for a few moments, somehow also surprised but when he came into their house further and smiled.
That morning when she woke up and Matthias was sitting at the edge of the bed, thinking things over and she already knew too.
"We need to do it today," he tells her softly, back still to her for a few more moments before he turns his head to look over his shoulder at her.
She gulps but nods, her voice weak. "I know."
It had been unspoken between them that they would bury their child here, and they would have to do it soon. A week had been long enough. As she got up and changed her clothes silently, noting how the weather was getting colder, she thought her baby would be born with snow on the ground. Her hair was still greasy and loose, but Matthias hadn't looked too much brighter.
There hadn't been dread when Sybell came again before leaving quietly so they could proceed, holding the bundle in her arms before gently handing the covered baby into Nina's arms. She had heard stories of how mothers just held their babies perfectly in their arms as though they were always meant to be there. But this lump bundle was too small and there was no perfecting way it slid in her arms either now or when she had held him that morning the week before.
She had been crying, her face soaked from all she shed the entire night. He was out of her, but he wasn't with them either. She stared at the thing Sybell had bundled up in a small red blanket, holding it to her for a moment as she looked down.
"A boy?" Nina's breath hitched. But she already knew before the midwife nodded solemnly.
Sybell had said that sometimes holding the child can offer comfort to the mother. This was not her first time caring for a mother during a late-term miscarriage but it was Nina's. At first she didn't want to. She didn't want to imagine what he looked like, knowing that he wasn't complete. She didn't want to hold the dead weight in her arms. But didn't her son deserve to be held at least once by his mother?
Matthias kept close to her, looking over her shoulder as she took the little bundle in her arms. Her breath hitched when it settled uncomfortably in them, all wrong. She held it close to her chest, looking down at the curled up being in the blankets. He was so silent. Weren't babies supposed to cry?
Her thumb went across the cheek and feeling how cold it was she felt her shoulders shake as another sob left her, Matthias keeping his arms around her, tears running down his own cheeks.
Sybell gently told her it was time to let go, and she took the bundle gently, Nina not fighting it. Matthias's chest had been her rock as she curled into it, his arms around her more fierce and protective than they had ever been.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
Matthias had held her and told her in sweet, calm voices that it was not her fault, that she shouldn't apologize but how could she not. She killed their child, his son. Why wasn't he angry with her?
When Nina took the bundle this time she didn't want to uncover it. Sybell had mentioned it would be unwise to do so, that he would look different. There was already a smell coming from the blankets. There was no dread holding it this time, just a finalized feeling of goodbye.
"Little bird?" Matthias said gently and she just nodded, knowing it was time.
Matthias kept an arm around her as he led her to the wooded area behind their house. Matthias had cleared it back after so many years here doing his work, but it was still an easy walking distance for someone who had spent most of the week laying down.
It was only going back that she realized what he had been doing back here. The tops of the fir trees had been chopped down in one section and he had used those tops to make a small trail towards them. She felt her heart both sink and swell in the action. She had never asked about funeral habits from Fjerda, but she knew that this was different. This was more special and her heart swelled knowing that Matthias had done this for their child, a final send off for their son and for his god to see, but also clenched knowing it was a special ritual only done for certain deaths.
The air was cold, their coats and her hair flowing in the wind. They were quiet as they walked until they were at the edge of the woods, among the top-cut trees and near a hole that Matthias must have dug, a wooden box opened in the top. Another thing Matthias must've been working on.
The pit began to come back as she stared at the box, the box her son would remain before looking at the trees and path.
"This is beautiful, Matthias," she tells him softly. His arm squeezes her slightly as he bends his head down a bit.
"I….I just thought…." He didn't need words to continue. She understood. She leans into him a bit and he turns his head so that his face is in her hair.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, just listening to the wind and leaning into each other as Nina hugged the bundle to her chest. But it couldn't last forever and she knew that. She pushes herself lightly off of Matthias and he lets her, unwrapping his arm from around her as she kneels down. She looks down at the bundle one more time before gently placing it in the wooden box low in the ground. She gulps away what was threatening to come up before forcing herself to stand back up. As though they switched off, Matthias then leaned down and placed the top on the box as Nina stood on, hands clenched to her chest as she watched. Matthias kept his stance for a few more minutes, placing a hand on the box, perhaps offering a silent prayer, perhaps finding a way to touch his son before he came back up again, standing beside her.
Nina's lip was already quivering when he wrapped his arm back around her. She stared down at the box, her gaze becoming blurry again.
"Pyotr," she whispered so softly she wasn't sure that she had heard it.
The floodgates had opened then. The crack the sob beginning escaped her lips like a pre-warning before she felt herself falling. Matthias caught her, holding her against his chest as he lowered both of them slowly to the ground, kneeling again in the dirt but never letting go of each other. As she his her face in his chest, he hid his in her hair, kissing her temple now and again while her shoulders heaved and his shook lightly with their cries, not knowing how long they stayed like that before their cries had quieted down again.
Nina stared hard at the fireplace, trying to control her breathing as she felt Matthias stretch out beside her to get a better hold on her.
What had she done wrong? What had caused her body to destroy the life inside her? She had gone to the kitchen to make tea when Matthias was getting eggs from the barn. What if she had just waited for him? What if she ate more of the berries Sybell had suggested? What if she ate less? What if she had slept wrong and hurt him? What if she didn't get enough sleep? Everything had been going over and over in her mind. Sybell said that she would never know, but that didn't stop Nina from wondering what she had done.
She had given him a name and it had stayed close to her heart as she held her dead son in her arms.
Nina shook her head and Matthias was already helping her curl into him more, at least as much as she could with her round stomach between them. She knew he was right. That she shouldn't keep their daughter at arms length, but she didn't know if she could hold the child so close to her heart again only to lose it. She had heard of women bringing children into the world only for them to be born blue. That image alone haunted her dreams. She knew that her daughter deserved a name, deserved to be held and loved while inside her but her body wasn't a safe space for it. It could trick both of them at any time.
"I can't," she whispered as she trembled. She had never been so scared. Matthias brought his free hand up to move some hair from her face before he kissed the top of her head, offering as much support and comfort as he could.
"I can't," she told him before another thought left her. "Not yet."
The warm bed shook with her as tears softly rolled down her cheeks but Matthias didn't shush her, didn't tell her that they should try still, he just held her and she let herself sink into the warmth of his gentle whispers in her ear telling her how much he loved them.
