Author's Note. This story takes place nearly immediately after Jinx's tea party. Instead of shooting a rocket at the Council, Jinx chooses to save Silco's life and brings him to Singed (or the doctor, in her eyes).
A series of vignettes told nearly exclusively from Silco's POV, we will see him navigate a war while caring for his daughter. But trauma begets trauma and we see that sometimes, a parent's best intentions just isn't good enough.
The short titles of each vignette are taken from the lyrics of "The Pioneers" by Bloc Party. The M83 remix of the same song (Link: watch?v=ZwWPZrVj_qQ) captures the tone of this story.
I had a lot of fun writing this. I hope you have as much fun reading it.
They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad
They may not mean to, but they do
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
This Be The Verse, Philip Larkin
Act I: If It Can Be Broke, Then It Can Be Fixed
If it can be broke, then it can be fixed
He wakes on Singed's operating table, alone, with no memory of what happened.
She begged me to save you. Told me to tell you she was sorry.
"I have to find her."
He tries to stand, but his legs crumple beneath him.
All you need is time
He crashes into Jinx's workshop. Empty. But he tries anyway.
"Jinx? It's okay. You don't have to hide."
Nothing. His voice not even strong enough to carry an echo. He stops to catch his breath.
Shimmer's properties are vast, its potential nearly limitless. But you were micro dosing your body for so many years...
What do you mean, Singed?
There is only so much a body can take before it gives in.
How long?
One can never know. Months, maybe a year.
He fights to stay in one piece as he makes his way to Jinx's workstation. On it, a shark mouthed rocket launcher. Within it, (his breath catches in his throat), a refined Hextech crystal.
A note stuck at the bottom of the weapon. The same colourful phrase ("I'M SORRY!") repeated across the page. Increasingly smudged and ineligible, spiralling into insanity. Her tears? This breaks him. More than he will ever admit to anyone.
He doesn't want the damned crystal. Not if it comes at the expense of his daughter.
If it can be lost, then it can be won
He manages to make his way to the meeting ground. He finds Singed's analgesics to work. But the amounts which need to be injected do not bear thinking.
A problem for another day.
And how many days does he have left?
He hears a ticking clock. He knows that it is nothing but another sign of his fraying mind, but it refuses to leave him, insists on drilling another hole in his skull. Another obstacle to overcome.
He knows obstacles, the world had seen fit to throw him obstacles since birth. Death would just have to wait its turn.
And then -
He glimpses a pink eye, as bright as his, in the shadows.
She realises he has noticed him. Eyes widen, she prepares to warp away...
He catches her wrist before she can.
"It's okay. It's okay."
He pulls her towards him in a tight embrace. The pain is momentarily gone, there is only relief.
"I was so worried."
He doesn't need to see her wordless screams; he already knows what she is trying to say. I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!
"I know you didn't mean to, child. I know."
He can feel her tears seeping through his shirt as she buries herself in his chest.
"Come home, Jinx. Please come home."
She is on the brink of saying yes. He knows she is.
But the Boy Wonder chooses this moment to appear.
"I knew you would see sense."
He instinctively pushes Jinx behind him, as far away from the Boy Wonder as possible. But Jinx has warped away. The Boy Wonder scrambles in her wake, brushes against him, his back so open, momentarily turned.
He reaches for his knife. He had murdered stronger men for far less.
"Hey! Come back!"
But he catches a glimpse of the scroll in the Boy Wonder's hand, the sum of his dreams. He falters and the moment passes. The Boy Wonder turns towards him.
"Order her to come back!"
The Boy Wonder is finally able to properly look at him and immediately recoils.
"What did you do?"
He knows what he looks like. Pink eye (his dead eye seems to have escaped the worst effects of the Shimmer), facial scars glowing in Shimmer, skin pale. The Boy Wonder keeps his distance. He senses fear in the Boy's eyes. A soft underbelly then, as he had always suspected.
"That is not the topic of our conversation today."
The Boy Wonder has the sense to stop asking. He would credit him for that, at least.
"Get the girl back. As agreed."
The disdain in the Boy Wonder's hand as he held the sealed scroll before him! He takes the scroll, reviews its contents. It contains everything he had fought for his entire life. Everything he thought he had wanted.
"Your turn."
"She did what she did on my behalf. Take me."
"That was not what we agreed. Now, summon her."
"She isn't a toy to be summoned at your command!"
"You would burn both our cities to the ground for a girl!?"
Disbelief in the Boy's voice. But what did the Topsiders understand about loyalty? The bonds which united Zaun that they thought so replaceable?
"I will burn both our cities to the ground for my daughter."
The Boy snatches the scroll from him. He subconsciously shuffles backwards, moves away from his reach. The thought of giving up his dream is more difficult than he realises. But the Boy Wonder is faster, stronger, and he soon finds himself stumbling, unaccustomed to the sudden shift in weight.
And Jinx is by his side, catching him before he falls.
He wraps his arm around her shoulder as she lifts him up. Two broken souls, leaning on each other for support.
He reaches into his pocket and flicks an old bullet at the Boy Wonder, the word "PILTOVER" carved on it. A bullet which was once Vander's.
"It will be war, Boy. Do your worst."
It's all under control
They stop for him to rest. The glittering fluorescent lights of the Last Drop faintly bounce off the puddles around them.
"The Topsiders ambushed us and shot me. You saved my life and brought me to the doctor. Do you understand?"
She shakes her head, her spark, gone. His fear for her wellbeing has given way to deep worry.
"Say the words."
She starts rocking back and forth, nearly toppling him.
"They'll know. They'll know."
"No they won't. Because that is what happened."
"But I did it. I shot you."
Her voice slowly rises to a hysterical scream. He pulls her close, presses her face against his chest in a desperate attempt to muffle her voice. Their foreheads briefly touch. This gesture seems to calm her. He remembers this.
"Listen to me, child. The truth isn't a fact or a reality. The truth is what we make of it. It is a tool to be wielded. And we will use it to burn them before they destroy us. So, repeat. The Topsiders ambushed us and shot me. You saved my life and brought me to the doctor."
If it can be touched, then it can be turned
He manages to hold it together in his seat until Jinx closes the door to his office with a soft thud.
And then he clutches his midriff and groans. The analgesic is wearing off. His body is an inferno.
She hovers over him, a cocktail of guilt and misery in her expression. He can hear the voices in her head – it's etched on her face: She did this. She did this.
He knows what she needs, what they both desperately need at this moment. He assembles his syringe with shaking hands, inserts vials (he still doesn't want to think of the volume he has ingested) of Singed's analgesic into it.
Then he hands it to her.
"Help me."
She shakes her head, immediately backs away.
"I can't, I can't. I'll hurt you again."
"You've never hurt me before. You won't start now."
He leaves the syringe on his desk.
"Please. I cannot do this on my own."
The pain flares again, he writhes against his chair.
She hovers with the syringe. She wants to help, but she is terrified that she will exacerbate everything. He takes her hand and guides the syringe and her to his arm.
"Press it. Just press it."
She does, then drops the syringe and backs away, certain that she has hurt him. Again.
But the pain subsides. Enough for him to manage a half smile.
"Thank you, Jinx. Thank you."
She nods shyly and takes a small step forward.
Breathe in
His false bravado lasts until he has seen her eat, until she falls asleep on the couch in his office.
He collapses into worry immediately after. She has reverted to form. To that girl he saw in the cannery.
All those years of progress. Gone.
He feels the pain building up again and he reaches for his syringe before it erupts.
How long can his body last with vials of analgesics every few hours? The year Singed had promised already felt like a miracle. But the world had burned him enough for him to know that miracles did not exist.
And seeing Jinx as she is now, he knows she will not survive without him. But how can he prepare her for a Zaun without him when she can barely survive in his Zaun now?
She needed time to recover. Time for him to teach her how to be strong. Time the world had taken away from him. Time, time, time, time…
He slams his fist against his desk in rage. Pain courses through his veins, up to his shoulder. It jolts him, drags him away from his fears.
NO, he decides, his mind bellowing the word at the world. There had to be a way for him to buy more time for his daughter. A way for her to cut off her sister the way he had cut of Vander. Only then could she be strong.
And if there was not enough time, then he will will it so.
Go on, stick your bloody head in the jaws of the beast
He allows himself the luxury of a cane during the meeting with the chembarons the next day, but no more. The idea of relying on a cane is revolting, but he cannot walk otherwise, knows that his days of mobility are long gone.
Do you see, Jinx? We must only let the world see what we want them to see. Weaknesses, strengths, they all must serve us. This cane will remind them of the injuries I have suffered on their behalf. Anything more will suggest weakness.
But her silence was louder than the message he tried to impart. Still, he brings her to the meeting with Sevika and bids her stand beside him.
"There will be many rumours, many lies you will hear in the coming days. But this is the only truth you need to know. The Topsiders sent an Enforcer after me and shot me to pieces. Jinx killed the assassin and saved my life."
He prowls around the table, observes them all. This was on a knife's edge. Rumours were already flying on the streets since his reappearance, but the messaging was loud, scrambled, filled with embellishments and half-truths. He had a small window to steer them to his version of the truth.
The alternative would be bloody. Jinx would not survive it.
Someone clears his throat. "We heard..."
He twitches involuntarily.
"What did you hear!"
"They've...They're arming themselves. The largest battalion ever seen."
This news momentarily breaks the grip he has on the chembarons. Anxious chatter fills the air. But his voice cuts through them.
"Good."
"How can you say that..."
"Silco, they'll kill us all!"
"Assembling a battalion requires time. While they waste their time polishing their rifles and scrubbing their boots we will establish chokepoints. Bar all access points. Destroy everything which flies over us."
"They'll break through! It's a battalion!"
"They won't send an entire battalion down at once. They cannot navigate our streets, they do not know the lay of our land. Their troops will be caught, picked off one by one. Your father was one of the greatest strategists I know, Smeech. I suggest you finally live up to your legacy."
"But this is war!"
"We have always been at war. You just chose not to see it. They seal us in the fissures, then leach off our goods with tariffs. They come down when it suits them and kick us where we live. We are subjugated by masters who think us animals, who will not give us our dignity!"
He becomes more heated, impassioned. It is only later that he realises that these were Vander's words, as much as his.
"And now they pursue me. And if they have the resources to pursue me, they most certainly have the resources to pursue you."
This straightens their backs.
"An attack on me is an attack on all of us. But no more. I have sent a declaration of war to their Boy Wonder, Talis. We will burn their city to the ground until they give us what we deserve. You speak in terms of profits. Prosperity. Well I will give you this and more. We will seize control of their Hexgates, conduct trade on our terms. There will be an economic boom after this is over. Zaun will flourish."
Their eyes sparkle. They see the possibilities.
And he knows his work is done. His fist, clenched so tightly around the top of his cane so as to draw blood, slowly relaxes. He knows the lie will eventually reveal itself. But for now, it buys him time. He glances at Sevika and Jinx from across the room. Sevika stands tall, proud. Jinx gives the floor the tiniest of nods.
"And now, we must attend to another matter."
He stops at Finn's empty chair.
"We have a vacant position amongst ourselves."
His hand falls on Renni's shoulder.
"The circumstances which gave rise to this were...unfortunate."
Renni squirms as tension rises. The rest of the chembarons feign ignorance, pretend that they all had not, as recently as yesterday, wanted him dead.
"But I have been reliably informed that it was an accident. And as we know, accidents can be fixed."
He watches as they deflate in relief. Better to hang this over their heads as leverage, then to dispose of them entirely.
"Sevika."
Sevika steps forward.
"Finn's seat is now yours. As are his holdings and interests in Zaun."
He had only once seen Sevika speechless - yesterday, when the crowd in the Last Drop silently parted at the sight of Jinx and him. When she sensed how close his body was to giving in.
Today was his second.
He walks past her. Whispers a word which only the both of them would understand.
"Loyalty."
A sense of function but a disregard
The War Council comes after.
"We are not their equal in strength. In numbers. But speed. Stealth. Spirit. They cannot hope to match us. And that is where wars are won."
Still, his heart sinks once he sees the number of fighting troops they have. It is a fraction of what he had hoped for.
He lowers his voice at Jinx. "Is this right? Are you sure?"
She refers to her calculations (in colourful crayon) surround them. Tallies the figures away. And then quietly, so that only he can hear. "They're right." Then, despondent. "Did I make a mistake again?"
"No. No, you did well."
He compares this to the notes he has on the employees of the Shimmer production plant. The discrepancy is glaring.
"Why is everyone not fighting? I have more employees in my plant than on this list."
His voice cuts through the chatter. Silence, until someone dares to speak up.
"You have children working for you in the plant, Silco."
"If they can handle Shimmer production, they can hold a gun. Why are they not fighting for us?"
"Silco, they're children!"
"They are the sons and daughters of Zaun and everyone must do their part."
He readjusts, recalculates, as the hubbub around him rise. His position of strength is not as formidable as it would seem and he knows he cannot overplay this.
"They're too young!"
"I refuse!"
And he plays his hand.
"Very well. A cut off point. Suggestions?"
And because he has not given them a chance to think or even consider…
"The cut-off point will be children aged 12, priority to be given to those who have experience fighting or holding a gun. Children will be given tasks suitable to their age and no child will be involved in the fighting unless absolutely necessary. Readjust your numbers accordingly."
The discontent slows to a murmur. He knows he has suddenly appeared reasonable. 12 year olds did far more on the streets than hold a gun.
One final weak protest. "We should at least start with 15."
"Jinx has been on the front lines since she was 12. And she will continue to be on the front lines now."
He can hear the same thought in the room. Jinx is in no capacity to do anything right now.
He ignores them all.
"My daughter will be fighting. And if she can fight, so can your children."
It's a language I can't understand
She becomes the closest thing he has to an aide-de-camp in the following weeks, excels at it even, despite the nightmares returning and the voices tormenting her. She hides these from him (he wished she did not – he has seen everything the world has thrown at her) and so he can only give her the space she needs when the voices drive her to disappear for days, coax her to eat and when she refuses to, leave bowls of food at her door. He rejoices when the bowls are emptied the next morning, is crestfallen when they are left as is.
He can hear the whispers around him. Of failing to keep his house in order. Of prioritising his daughter over the war (he was a father, why would they blame him for this?). Renni even offers him another child as an aide-de-camp as a peace offering.
He ignores them all. Because Jinx will return. Jinx always returned.
And she does. Slowly, as she helps him with his syringe, then faster, as he gives her his pocket watch to fix. And soon, she learns to leave her room regardless of the voices she hears, knows she can eat with him without fear.
He is relieved, so much more than he can say.
"I want you to sit by my side in every meeting, Jinx. Do you understand? Our position is not as strong as it can be."
"Like attacks?"
"Amongst others. For as long as we lead the war efforts, there will always be a threat on our beings. And not all these threats will come from Topsiders."
Silence as she pushes her uneaten food around her bowl. They know she is his last line of defence now that Sevika is gone, but she has not held a gun since that day, he does not know if she will ever be able to hold a gun again. But how can she silence the voices in her mind, burn the Red Head without a gun?
So he tries another approach.
"You must also learn to manoeuvre the dynamics of Zaun. To lead."
"But you're the leader."
"I am doing this for us, Jinx. You must take my place when I am gone."
She starts. He can see the panic building within her.
"What? When? Where're you going?"
He cannot bring himself to tell her, even as the incessant ticking of the damned clock rattles his skull.
"Nowhere. But you are my daughter. And one day, leadership will fall to you."
"I don't know if I want it."
"No, no, you must take these lessons!"
He is increasingly animated, he knows that she must learn to amass power if she cannot hold a gun. That she must learn to do this to have any chance of surviving when (and he knows that the world will grant him no favours, that the lie will reveal itself) his lie is exposed. But she mistakes his loudness for anger and shrinks away from him, addresses her bowl instead.
"I can be leader if you want me to be."
"No, Jinx. It..."
He takes a deep breath and tries to explain himself better.
"Learning to assume leadership will grant you power. Your power will give rise to fear. When enough people fear you, you will be untouchable. You can bend the world to your will. That is strength. And with strength, you will survive."
She nods her head a little too quickly for his liking.
"Okay. I can try."
"You seem unconvinced."
He sits back and lights his cigar. She needed space and time to build her confidence around him when she first arrived, and he still remembers. She chews her lower lip, not sure if she can speak her mind. He catches the flicking of her eye, pretends not to notice this until she finally takes the plunge.
"But I'm no good at it. I'm not even good at fighting."
"That is not true. And you and I both know it." And he adds without much thought, blowing smoke rings in the air. "You are excellent with Pow Pow."
The effect is instantaneous. She presses her hands against her ears, slips to the floor.
"No, no, no."
Her voice rises to a hysterical scream. He drops his cigar, stumbles towards her from across the dining table. He knows all her signs, and he has not seen one so bad in years.
"Jinx!"
"Stop, stop! Go away!"
She beats her hands against her head, responds incoherently to the voices only heard by her. Some of her responses are in mumbles, others in loud screams.
He finally reaches her. Holds her and pulls her close to sooth her. She struggles against him, and he loses his balance. They crash, hard, against the floor. Pain flares in every part of his body. Still, he refuses to let go. Because he has seen what happens when he does, the lengths she will go to hurt herself.
"It's okay, Jinx. It's okay. Listen to my voice. Only my voice."
"No! NO! NO!"
"Listen to me. Focus on me. Only my voice is real. Everything else is a lie."
He continues to soothe her deep into the night, until she tires and shivers. And he knows she has returned.
"It's okay. It was only a bad dream. Only a bad dream."
He briefly presses his forehead against his daughter's. But she refuses to let go of him and they sit together until she falls asleep.
If it can be fused, then it can be split
He cleans the mess of broken plates, papers and books around her the next day as best he can. When he straightens, he realises she is already awake, staring intently at her boots.
"I'm sorry, Silco."
"It's okay."
"I didn't mean to."
"I know."
He hands her his books. She wordlessly takes them, clambers on the sofa and lines them back in the shelves. He takes a bun from the table and waits until she clambers down. Then gently presses the plate into her hand.
"You have to eat. You did not eat anything last night."
"I'm not hungry."
"Do you remember what I said before? Hunger can be illusionary. But food is real. It is sustenance. You must eat it to regain your strength."
She nibbles around the bun. He sits with her and speaks to her in the only way the world has showed him.
"You are already strong, Jinx. I have seen you do things no one can even dream of."
"If I was strong I wouldn't have shot...I wouldn't shoot..."
He knows the signs and grabs both her hands before they become fists again. Her hands automatically wrap around his hands instead, gripping them tightly.
"You didn't shoot me. She did."
"I pulled the trigger. I…"
"Only because you were hearing voices. Voices she put into you. Do you see? She was using you to get to me. You have to kill her, Jinx. Burn her before she burns you. If you do that, you can become stronger. Better."
She hugs her knees, trembling, but the voices do not come. He takes that as a good sign.
"She's my sister."
"She would never have abandoned you if she was your sister."
"Maybe she didn't abandon me. Maybe she just couldn't find me."
"But did she even look for you, Jinx?"
"I don't know! I was following you to make sure you were okay. I didn't…"
"It was me, Jinx. It was only me. I came looking for you while she left you for dead. She chose her Enforcer girlfriend and Piltover over you!"
He propels himself to his feet, angrily paces the room. He feels Vander's betrayal again, the river, the lost eye, the knife. And as he sees Jinx's clenched fists beating against her head, he knows he is breaking through. He sits beside her, gently pulls her hands away.
"Do not do that, Jinx. Do not hurt yourself for her. She is not worth the pain."
She unclenches her fist and sits completely still.
"Your sister has lived with the Topsiders for too long. They will never understand loyalty. Family. The bonds that bind."
"Is that why we're fighting them?"
He measures his words carefully, ignores the ticking clock now bouncing from out the walls of his study. He does not know if Jinx understands the intricacies of the matter, or how perilous their position really is.
"We fight because it is either us or them."
He offers her a gun.
"Will you help me?"
An eternity passes. The ticking clock grows ever louder.
"But she's my sister."
He knows he cannot press her. Perhaps later, but not now.
"Then will you at least fight? I need you to reach your full potential, Jinx."
She takes the gun. He gently brings her head forward, briefly presses his forehead against hers. She will recover. He knows she will recover.
The leader of the raid team is not as understanding.
"She can't follow us, Silco! You've seen her! She's a flake, a mumbling zucsquash!"
"Do not compare my daughter to a vegetable ever again."
He lets the silence weigh in the room, waits for their terror to rise.
"Your team is only there as support and Jinx needs normalcy. Not inertia. She will follow you to observe, and you will supervise the operation."
