Joker felt like shit. The Reaper invasion had begun just like everyone who bothered to listen to Shepard knew it would, and shit was already going up in flames. Earth had been invaded and they had to leave Anderson behind, Kaidan had almost been killed and was currently in a coma, and now the Council had Shepard and the crew running around doing errands instead of sending them to fight. He knew it was the right course of action deep down, he really did, but damn, if it wasn't frustrating. What made things worse was how everything was clearly affecting Shepard.
He knew things had to have been tough on the ground back on Earth. The stuff he had seen from the cockpit of the Normandy had made him feel sick. He might not have grown up on Earth, but he was still human. It was still his home in a way. Then, she had to deal with several very awkward conversations with Kaidan only to see him almost get beaten to death by a Cerberus robot. As if Cerberus hadn't caused enough trouble and ruin for her. When she had returned from meeting with the Councilors, she had looked… well, she looked like she'd be the one in danger of breaking if they touched. It hurt like hell to see her like that. She'd never looked like that before.
Their… relationship had just started blossoming when the whole thing with the asteroid slamming into that mass relay. One moment they were confessing their feelings for each other, and the next they were both under house arrest. Separated house arrest. It was hard being away from her, but he took comfort in the fact that she was safe. Now, even though he could easily walk to her, she felt like she was even farther away.
That settles it, he thought, and turned his chair around so he could stand. He groaned louder than he should have when he got to his feet, but it had been a long time since he had sat in that particular seat. He had never been one for pep-talks, especially not giving them, but Shepard needed him, and he, along with everyone else in the damn galaxy needed her.
"Hey, EDI?" he asked.
"Yes, Jeff?"
"Where is Shepard?"
"Commander Shepard is in her quarters."
"Has she blocked access to the loft?"
"Only to lower ranking members of the Normandy. People such as yourself, Doctor T'Soni, and Lieutenant Vega are able to access the loft."
He felt a warm feeling in his chest when EDI said he could go up, "Thanks, EDI."
"Of course, Jeff," she said, ending their conversation.
Joker hobbled over to the elevator. He really should have walked around while Shepard and Liara spoke with the Council. Chakwas would be pretty upset with him if she knew how long he had gone without getting up. A tiny part of his brain nagged him about needing to stay on the bridge due to the Reapers, but he reminded himself that they had plenty of time to talk before they got to Palaven.
When the door of the elevator slid open, he frowned when he saw the door to the loft was shut. Using the side of his hand rather than his knuckles, he knocked on the door. He could barely hear what sounded like shuffling on the other side, but there was no response. He knocked again, and asked "Shepard?"
This time he heard the very distinct sounds of footsteps, and a few moments later, the door slid open. It was definitely Shepard standing in front of him, but she didn't look like herself. Her hair was out of her signature bun, and was a frizzy mess. Her clothes were disheveled. Her shoulders were sagging instead of holding her normal, proud posture. Worst of all, she looked like she was crying.
"What do you need, Joker?" She asked, voice softer than he had ever heard it. Despite the exhaustion and pain on her face, there wasn't a hint of annoyance. She sounded like she genuinely wanted to help him with whatever he needed, even though she was the one who needed support.
He was silent for a moment. He was tongue-tied for the first time in his life, and it was like everything he had planned to say flew right out of his head now that he was standing there. He cleared his throat in an attempt to hide his hesitancy. He went with what he thought was the blandest, but safest thing, and said, "We haven't had a chance to talk. How are you holding up?"
She shifted slightly, "I'm fine. Just tired."
Well, that was a lie, he thought. He didn't want to let her push him away just so she could slip into a downward spiral. He was reminded of that time right after the Collectors had attacked the SR-2. How she insisted that they talk about where his head was even though he insisted that he was fine. He decided to take a page from her book.
"I've seen you when you're tired. This isn't it. I get that you might not want to talk about it, but I do."
She closed her eyes, and looked a little annoyed when she realized that he had copied her, but she stepped aside and let him in. He stepped aside as she let the door slide closed after him. He watched as she walked over to, and plopped herself on to the side of the bed. She stared blankly at the wall in front of her. This, this was not the Shepard he knew… and loved.
He sat down next to her on the bed. He had no idea what to say. He was better at playing off the other person, not starting the conversation. Biting his lip he tried, "We're going to get through this. We'll kick the Reapers' metal asses back to deep space, and we'll finally be rewarded for all our hard work while we retire to some peaceful colony in the middle of nowhere."
"You sure about that?" she said dryly, "They've just started, and so many people have died."
"Kaidan is going to be fine," he said.
"I'm not talking about Kaidan. There was a boy. Back on Earth. I…" her voice cracked, and it felt like a punch to the gut. Her voice was always so steady, and strong. She cleared her throat, and kept going, "I couldn't save him. I watched a Reaper shoot down his shuttle while we escaped. How am I supposed to save the galaxy when I couldn't save him?"
"Because you're not doing it alone. I know it feels like you have the weight of several planets on your back, but you have people to help with the load. You have people like Liara, James, Chakwas… and me, and we're not going anywhere. And Kaidan? Kaidan will be back on his feet and judging people in no time."
She laughed at the last part, and it was one of the best sounds he had ever heard. As much as he had missed flying, and boy, did he miss it, he missed her laughter more.
After a few moments of silence passed, and she gently rested her head on his shoulder, "I missed you."
He wanted to say, I missed you too, but that nagging part of his brain got the better of his tongue. Instead he said, "Are you sure this is okay? The Alliance has protocols on fraternization-"
She cut him off, "Do you not want to… keep going with what we started."
"I do, but I don't want to make things harder than they need to be. We don't need Hackett coming down on us for fraternization."
"I don't think he'll complain if it makes sure that I'm at my best. Besides, they've got bigger things than fraternization to worry about, and they probably will for a long time after things have cooled off. But, if it bothers you too much, we don't have to pick up where we left off."
"No, I definitely do, I just wanted to double check."
"Well, I'm glad you do, because if I'm being honest… I need you as more than just my helmsman. You've been there since the very beginning, and I don't know how I'd go on without you."
Again, he was uncharacteristically tongue-tied. He had come up here to comfort her, and here she was, comforting him. At least it was a good thing that the Shepard he knew was still in there.
"And we- I need you. Afterall, no one appreciates my amazing jokes like you do, and I'd probably get yelled at about safety precautions a lot more. You have no idea how often the retro-fit team blamed me for stuff."
She snorted at his sudden light-heartedness, and that yes, they'd be okay.
