Chapter 4

Yaz hurt everywhere, and she was shivering. Apparently she had a fever from the infection in her bloodstream. She didn't understand any of the numbers on her monitor, but the Doctor did, and she checked them constantly, concern etching her features. Every now and then she scanned Yaz from head to toe with her sonic, frowning at the readings.

"Am I going to be okay?" Yaz asked sleepily.

"Yasmin Khan, I promise you will walk out of this hospital and run across time and space with me again," the Doctor said firmly. "I do all I can to protect you from alien pathogens, but this one was put directly into your bloodstream, and your immune system is struggling to fight it off. They've got you on good antibiotics though, and they upped your dose this morning. It'll clear up. Especially since I'm giving it an extra boost." She pulled the antiseptic cream out of her pocket again and smiled. "Shall I put some more on?"

Yaz smiled back in spite of her misery. "Okay." The Doctor undid her gown and exposed her shoulder, then unfastened the bandage and gently dabbed on the cream.

"I would love you touching me like this if it weren't for the injury," Yaz said sadly. "Do you know how many times I dreamed of it? You holding me, touching me."

"I dreamed of it a lot too, when I was in prison. Nothing too…involved, but I imagined holding you, dancing with you like we used to. I thought of different ways I could kiss you for the first time, and wondered if you'd want me to."

"I did." Yaz smiled. "When I was sleeping on the floor in that spare TARDIS, I liked to imagine you were holding me. Just being in a TARDIS made me feel closer to you, even though it wasn't yours. Of course I assumed if you did come back that we'd just be friends again. I didn't think you'd love me, and I wasn't sure if I could handle a relationship with you anyway."

The Doctor froze. "You didn't?"

"No. I love you, and all I want is to be with you, but you're still an alien with a long past I don't know much about. I know it's too much to tell me everything from your whole life, and you have told me a lot more since you got out of prison, but I still felt like you were holding back on some important things, like something huge was bothering you and you wouldn't say what. And that wouldn't be a healthy basis for a relationship, you hiding things from me. I can't be with you unless I know you'll be honest, open, and that you trust me the way I trust you." Yaz smiled. "Which you must have done, if you got me to marry you!"

"Er, yes," the Doctor said softly, fixing Yaz's bandage and gown. "I must have done." She walked around and sat down on her side of the bed, but instead of cuddling up to Yaz, she pulled her knees up and hugged them, looking into the distance.

"So…what did you tell me?"

The Doctor pressed her lips together. "Are you sure you want to hear that now, while you're recuperating? It's quite…unsettling."

"Give me the short version."

The Doctor sighed. "Before my memory was wiped, I worked for a secret organisation called the Division. I'm not sure what they did, but apparently they went against the Time Lord policy of not interfering. It appears I joined at a young age. I think I thought I would be helping people, but apparently I tried to leave later – that was why Ruth was disguising herself as human. I don't know what I may have done, or why they wiped my memory and started my life over. Was my knowledge dangerous to them, or to me? Either way, I need to know. I have a right to know my own life."

"That makes sense. And, it's not that scary."

"Well, I think in order to find out where I came from, I need to start with the Division, see if there's anyone left who knows about that, and then work my way backwards. But it could be extremely dangerous. The Division might be dangerous, or whatever they're fighting might be dangerous. Whatever they hid from me, they might have hidden for a reason. I don't really know what I'm up against." She swallowed. "And I'm afraid, and I don't want to do this alone. I want you by my side. But I'm worried about the danger I'm putting you in, and what I might find out about myself, and what you might find out about me."

"Doctor, you know I want to be by your side no matter what you're facing, especially if it's something dangerous. And there's nothing I could find out about you that would make me love you any less."

"Really? What if I committed genocide or something? I don't know what kind of person I may have been back then."

"The Doctor I know wouldn't do anything like that, and I know how upset you'd be to find out some past version of yourself had done it. It doesn't change who you are now. You're my Doctor, and I know you've lived many lives, but this is the version of you I know. My Doctor does everything she can to avoid hurting anyone and only resorts to it when she has to to protect others, and that's why I admire you so much. I'm not going to hold your past against you."

"What about my present?"

"What would I hold against you in the present?"

The Doctor shrugged. "I'm scared. I don't want to be, but I am. It's not very heroic. Isn't that what you want me to be? A hero?"

"You told me that being brave doesn't mean not being scared, it means being scared and doing it anyway. That makes you very brave and very heroic." She reached for the Doctor's hand. "But you know, I don't need you to be a hero all the time. I know I'm only a human, but I just want us to be as much like equals as we can be."

"Only a human? Only a human? Yasmin Khan, there is no only about being a human. Look at how much you do with your short little lives! Look how brave and heroic you are, and at your age! I was just a child when I was your age. Well, the time I remember being your age. I wasn't doing anything that special yet. You're saving entire worlds at my side! I couldn't do this without you, you know. You're the one who keeps me going."

"And you have been treating me more like an equal lately, now that it's just the two of us. Teaching me how to help fly the TARDIS, how to read circular Gallifreyan…"

"You were ready." The Doctor squeezed Yaz's hand. "And maybe that's why I'm ready to make you my wife, because that's what I want now. A partner."

"It's what I want to be."

The Doctor was quiet a moment. "You need to think carefully about that, Yaz. There's still time, if you decide you don't really want this. We can go back to just being friends. You're still my best friend, best friend in the universe, and nothing can change that. This is a lot for you to take on. I've lived for thousands of years; I don't even know how long, how many faces I've had, what I've done. You'll never be able to have all of me the way I can have all of you. Is that really what you want, for the rest of your life?"

"I know I can't have all of you. I doubt I could take all of you. But this you, the woman I met on the train in Sheffield…that was the beginning of this life, right?"

"Yes. I'd only just regenerated."

"So I've been here since the beginning of this life. This I can take."

The Doctor nodded gravely. "And if I regenerate again, will you still love me?"

"Will you still be you?"

"Yes. I'll be different, but I'll still be me."

"And you'll still love me?"

"Definitely."

"Then yes, I'll still love you. Might take some getting used to, but I think I can do it."

The Doctor gave her a crooked smile. "It's funny. Not so long ago, I was planning to never get married again. Now I really want this."

"What changed?"

The Doctor shrugged. "Don't want to be alone anymore. More importantly, I don't want to be without you ever again. Prison was hell."

"I reckon I could fight off the Judoon if they came for you again."

The Doctor grinned. "They wouldn't stand a chance against PC Yasmin Khan, would they?"

"Not when they're trying to take my woman away from me." Yaz rubbed her eye. "Can you lie down with me again? I could use your body warmth."

"Of course." The Doctor slipped under the covers and snuggled up to a grateful Yaz, helping her turn onto her side. "Whatever happens, Yaz, I need you to remember two things," she murmured.

"Which are?"

"I love you so very much, and I will do whatever it takes to become the person you deserve."

"You're already more than enough."

"No, Yaz. I'm not. But I will be."

"Doctor, please! Don't go! You can't leave me again!"

Her own cries pulled Yaz out of her feverish nightmare as she kicked at the blankets, the Doctor grabbing for her.

"I'm here, Yaz! I won't leave you. I promise."

Yas blinked rapidly, struggling to catch her breath. She was safe. She was in the bright, clean, cosy hospital room, the Doctor right beside her. She collapsed into the Doctor's arms, still shaking.

"It's alright, sweetheart. You just had a bad dream." The Doctor rubbed her back. "Your fever's still going up. That's probably what caused it."

"I dreamed we were on Gallifrey again, but you pushed me back through the boundary so I wouldn't be there when you did something dangerous, and I couldn't go after you because I can't move my legs."

"But Yaz, you are moving your legs!"

Yaz looked down and realized it was true. She'd been thrashing her legs under the blankets without even thinking about it. She moved her foot experimentally and felt it connect with the Doctor's shin.

"Ow!" cried the Doctor. "You're definitely getting your strength back."

"Sorry," said Yaz. "I guess I still need more control."

"Your physical therapist will work with you on that. I'm just happy to see you moving again." She beamed at Yaz, but then her smile faltered. "I am worried about your fever, though. And your nightmares. You know I wouldn't leave you, right?"

"But you did."

"Yaz, I know it felt that way, but I didn't leave you at all. The Judoon took me while I was trying to get back to you."

"No, on Gallifrey. You left me behind, and you were going to die."

The Doctor let out a breath. "I didn't want to, Yaz. I just didn't see another way. I couldn't let the Cybermasters take over the universe, could I? How would we have fought them? We barely survived the ordinary Cybermen. I was prepared to sacrifice myself for you."

Yaz was quiet for a minute. "I tried to follow you."

"What?"

"On Gallifrey. When you were going to use the Death Particle. I tried to go after you, but Graham and Ryan held me back, and Ko Sharmus insisted on going to take your place. He said it was all his fault anyway, and the universe needed you, and you needed me. I told him you'd never let him, but he said he wasn't going to give you much choice. Then he left and the TARDIS took us home, like you programmed it to, so I didn't know what had happened."

"He told me you guys tried to stop him."

"The people from the future did. Graham and Ryan were just trying to stop me from going, and Ko Sharmus didn't want me to go either. He said enough young people had died."

"He was right. Yaz, I wouldn't have wanted you to come after me. That's the last thing I would have wanted."

"What sort of person would I be if I just let you blow yourself up?"

"You could have been killed. If I hadn't known you were coming and I'd set off that bomb—"

"It would have been better than living without you. I couldn't even take it for ten months."

The Doctor put her hand on the back of Yaz's head and kissed her forehead. "I promise, I won't let that happen again."

Yaz smiled in relief. "Good. I never want to be separated from you again."

As she snuggled up to the Doctor, Yaz remembered just how difficult their previous separation had been for her. She'd spent hours each day working out what different controls on the spare TARDIS did, losing all track of time, eventually curling into her sleeping bag when she could no longer hold her eyes open. When the Doctor had finally come back, Yaz found herself unable to fall asleep in her comfortable, familiar bed on board the TARDIS. She'd go in search of the Doctor, needing to see her, to hear her. The Doctor was usually puttering around the console room, adjusting things and chatting with the TARDIS itself, but she was always happy to see Yaz.

It was after the first time that Yaz nodded off while sitting on the steps that the Doctor had realised she needed to do something. So she'd started dragging a mattress into the console room when Yaz needed to sleep, one with an interesting hodgepodge of mismatched sheets, blankets, and pillows, and one that was certainly big enough for two people. She'd put it on the floor, in full view of the console, and Yaz would lie down to chat with the Doctor or just watch her puttering until, feeling safe and secure with the Doctor's nearby, she would drift off to sleep.

Sometimes she would wake when she felt the other side of the mattress sinking a little as the Doctor, having finally worn herself out, joined her. Often she would keep her eyes closed and her breathing even so the Doctor would think she was still sleeping, and sometimes she would feel the Doctor's fingers lightly stroke her hair before she curled up to get a few hours' sleep. Once, just once, she felt the Doctor's lips on her forehead, kissing her ever so lightly, as if she thought she might be doing something wrong.

Smiling at the memory, Yaz opened her eyes and did what she had wanted to do then: she kissed the Doctor fully on the lips. The Doctor seemed surprised – for some reason, she always did when Yaz kissed her – but she melted into it as usual, her fingers weaving their way into Yaz's hair.

They were interrupted by Sister Ruby sweeping into the room, followed by a Sister they hadn't seen before.

"How are you feeling, my dear?" Sister Ruby asked Yaz.

Yaz smiled. The cheerful nun – was she a nun? – always made her feel well-cared-for, not that she would ever lack in that area with the Doctor about. "I'm able to move my legs now!" she said, deciding to lead with the positive bit. "I can't control them well, but I can move them. I kicked my wife by accident."

"Ah, well, she seems to be putting up with it." Sister Ruby smiled warmly at the Doctor, who wrinkled her nose and smiled back.

"I can put up with anything for her," she said softly, and Yaz wondered for a moment why she sounded so serious. There was something bothering her that she didn't care to talk about, which was so like the Doctor. All she wanted was to see Yaz well again, and her personal feelings would be pushed to the side while she threw herself into taking care of her. Still, Yaz wished she would talk. Was it guilt over Yaz's injury that was eating at her, sadness that Yaz was unable to remember their whirlwind romance and wedding, or just disappointment that they were spending what should have been their honeymoon in a hospital (albeit a very nice one that felt almost like a resort)? Maybe it was all three. It seemed to cheer her a bit to talk about their new ceremony, what she insisted would be their "real" wedding, although sometimes Yaz caught pain in her eyes even when they talked about that. She wished she could remember something of what had transpired before her fall, perhaps their first kiss or the moment they admitted to being in love with each other, but she kept drawing a maddening blank.

"How is your pain?" Sister Ruby asked Yaz kindly.

"My shoulder is throbbing, and my back is starting to really hurt," Yaz admitted.

"Well believe it or not, your back hurting is a good sign. It means your sensation is returning to normal. I can get you something for it though, and for your shoulder."

"Her fever's still going up," the Doctor quickly pointed out. "I'd recommend—"

"I have something that can bring her fever down," Sister Ruby said quickly. "And a hot pack on her shoulder might help bring the infection to the surface. I'll be back with that."

"My name is Sister Amethyst," said the other nun once Sister Ruby had left. "I have brought a wedding present." She withdrew a lump of glittering gold and handed it to the Doctor. "My family owns a gold mine, and sometimes my parents gift me with gold from their mine so that I may gift it to others, having no use for it myself. I thought you could use it to make your wedding rings from."

"Thank you!" said the Doctor, accepting the gift and holding it where Yaz could see it. "This will be perfect, Sister Amethyst. You're all so kind."

Sister Amethyst smiled and left the room.

"We've gotten so many wedding gifts," Yaz commented. "Really nice ones, too."

"Sisters of the Infinite Schism. They are judged not by what they own, but by what they give to others. That's why I accept without question. Her generosity does her honour." The Doctor contemplated the gold in her fingers. "If her parents own a gold mine, then she grew up quite wealthy. She gave it all up to devote her life to the sick and wounded." She looked up and smiled. "What a remarkable woman."

"Can you have the gold made into rings?"

"I can do it myself, on the TARDIS. I can even put an inscription on yours in circular Gallifreyan."

"What will it say?"

A smile tugged at the Doctor's lips. "I'll tell you when I make it."

"I should pick one for your ring too then."

"Well, you have time to think it over."

Sister Ruby returned with a warm compress for her infected wound and some medication to bring her fever down. She also took a look at her surgery incision, which was, thankfully, healing well.

"Let's get you into a new position," she said cheerfully. "Do you want to be on your side or stomach?"

Yaz smiled shyly at the Doctor. "Can I lay on you?"

The Doctor smiled back, but there was sadness in her eyes. "Always."

"I just thought…the fever's making me so cold and achy, it would be nice to be held for a while."

The Doctor swallowed. "I consider it an honour."

She leaned the bed back so she was lying flat and then helped Sister Ruby turn Yaz over so she was lying on the Doctor, her face nestled in the crook of her neck.

"I hope this isn't too boring for you," Yaz said. "I know you're the sort who likes to move around."

"I could never be bored with my very favourite human in my arms." The Doctor hugged her close. "I love you so, my Yaz. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I mean that."

"I love you too, Doctor. I can't wait to get back to exploring the universe with you. I know you miss it."

"I've got my whole universe right here." The Doctor kissed her head, and as miserable as she felt on the outside, Yaz felt nothing but warmth and happiness on the inside.