Chapter 5
Yaz's fever broke the next day, and the infection finally started to recede. She grew stronger with each passing day, and the time came when her spine had healed enough for her to sit upright. And just like that, she was no longer confined to her bed. She looked elated the first time the Doctor and Sister Ruby helped her into a wheelchair, and the Doctor, eager to cheer her up, took her on a tour of the common areas of the hospital.
"There's a lovely garden I discovered one day when I was wandering about during your therapy," the Doctor said. "I'll take you there."
"Have you really stayed here the entire time, even during my therapy?" Yaz asked as the Doctor pushed her into a lift. "You never nipped out in the TARDIS and then came back just as my therapy was ending?"
"Never. How could I leave you here alone?"
"Well it is a time machine. I wouldn't have to notice you were gone."
"I couldn't possibly take the risk of something going wrong and me not making it back in time. Not when you're here, helpless. You need me." The lift dinged when they reached the ground floor, and the Doctor pushed Yaz down the corridor. "Anyway, what would I do? I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about you."
Yaz was quiet for a moment. "That's really sweet. I was afraid you'd get bored being stuck here with me."
"Yaz, I spent decades in prison by myself. This is a luxury vacation compared to that. And I have you. You're all I need! The universe will still be there later."
"I can't wait to get back out there."
"Well, here's a little taste." The Doctor hit a button to open the automatic doors and wheeled Yaz out onto the garden path. They were immediately engulfed in the heady scent of flowers and the fresh sent of leaves, a chorus of birdsong, and the sight of enormous purple flowers bursting from the bushes they grew in. A myriad of other flowers of all different colours grew below the bushes, and a canopy of trees spread their sheltering branches above. Beautiful winged insects flitted from one flower to another, a particularly large one flying past Yaz's shining eyes.
"This is amazing," Yaz said, looking around her. "Doctor, it's absolutely beautiful."
"I knew you'd like it," beamed the Doctor. "There's a gazebo in the centre. I'll show you." She wheeled Yaz along the winding path and up the ramp into the vine-covered gazebo. No one else was there, so she parked Yaz next to a bench and sat down beside her.
"I want our wedding to be someplace this beautiful," Yaz said softly.
"I know of the most wonderful garden on the planet Zarbo. We could get married in the hanging gardens, by the waterfall—"
"That sounds like a lovely honeymoon spot, but I want to get married in Sheffield. Maybe the botanical gardens? They're not quite as lush as this, but there are some lovely spots."
"Yeah." The Doctor smiled. "Sheffield, where we met. Where I landed."
"I just hope I can get my family on board. Maybe I'll tell Sonya first. She'll think I'm finally interesting."
"You've always been interesting. You're one of the most interesting people I've ever met."
"Yeah well, she doesn't know about this part of my life."
"This isn't what makes you interesting though. Yaz, is that what you think? That you're only interesting because you do interesting things?"
Yaz shrugged with her good shoulder. "In my Sheffield life, I'm just dedicated to work. Although my job is interesting."
"Haven't you ever wondered why you're interesting to me?"
"Yes," Yaz admitted.
"Oh, Yaz, where do I even begin? It's not what you do. It's how you react. Every time you're in a frightening situation, you swallow your fear and move forward. You go towards the scary thing, not away from it. You have such compassion for people you've only just met. And you're so clever."
"Doctor, you could be describing yourself."
"Maybe, but I knew I'd found a kindred spirit from that night on the train. I could sense it in you, and you only proved me right, again and again. And finding a kindred spirit doesn't happen often for someone like me."
"So when did you know it was love?"
"Hmm. It's hard to say. It just sort of sneaks up on you, doesn't it, love? I think in some ways I knew it the day you told me you wanted to travel with me, not just to see the universe, but to spend more time with me. There were lots of other moments after that, big and small, when I really knew I loved you, but I always told myself we couldn't."
"Because I'm a human and you're a Time Lord."
"Am I a Time Lord? I don't even know anymore. My whole identity's been taken from me…so all I have right now is what I decide for myself." She breathed a sigh. "I've never really been much the 'live in the moment' type. More the 'live in every moment' type. But right now, my past and future are so uncertain. All I have is right now, here with you. And I love you, Yasmin Khan."
"I love you too, Doctor." Yaz smiled beautifully, her dimples popping, as she leaned forward to capture the Doctor's lips. The Doctor took Yaz's face in her hands, deepening the kiss, giving herself over to it. She couldn't resist this. There was no point in resisting it. She was too far gone now.
"Well, I've definitely got my feeling back below the waist," Yaz said when they finally broke apart.
"Hmm – oh." The Doctor looked at her, feeling heat rise in her cheeks again.
"When I get out of here, where do you think we should spend our first real night together? It should be someplace special, and I think the top of that mountain is out of the question."
The Doctor shuddered. "No, we won't be doing that." She pressed her lips together thoughtfully. "I suppose I ought to make a new master bedroom in the TARDIS, a proper suite for a couple."
"With a nice bed for us?"
"Yes. I won't have you sleeping on a mattress on the floor anymore." She smiled to herself at all the times she'd had to drag that mattress into the control room because Yaz, in spite of being so tired she could barely stand, wouldn't leave her side. With the boys gone, things were just different. The need for private quarters seemed to evaporate. The Doctor felt a certain comfort whenever she looked up from her solitary tinkering to see Yaz sleeping peacefully on one side of the haphazardly made bed. She always left the other side empty so the Doctor could join her when she finally got tired, and she often did exactly that, drifting off to the sound of Yaz's even breathing. How she'd wanted to take Yaz into her arms then, the way she did in the hospital bed now.
"But I like the mattress. I just like being close to you."
"We'll be close in our bedroom. You deserve that at least. I know I'm not a conventional spouse, but I can give you a nice bedroom, where we can…be together."
Yaz grinned. "But we can also…be together all over space, can't we?"
"Oh yes." Flashes of her many romantic rendezvous points with River went through her mind, and she thought of all the places they never made it to, places Yaz would enjoy. She didn't plan for a second to give up on her mission, of course; her extremely important mission of learning about the Division and, hopefully, her own history. But she also had another, equally important mission: just be with Yaz. Make Yaz happy. Build the life she wanted right now. And that mission, since her reunion with Yaz after prison, had taken top priority. Now though, she had a renewed purpose for her other mission. She had to know how Tecteun had used her DNA to create an entire race of Time Lords. She didn't want to do that herself, of course, but couldn't she make just one? If she would consent to it, anyway.
And it remained to be seen if she would get permission to do much of anything with Yaz once the full truth came out.
Why hadn't she told her yet? Yaz was still on pain medication, but they had switched her to a kind that kept her alert, now that she was starting to have more mobility. She needed a clear head to safely start the process of learning to walk again, which would happen soon. She was capable of understanding, and of keeping a secret. And yet, the Doctor couldn't seem to do it. Every time Yaz used the term "wife," so casually, she felt her hearts swell. She wanted it to be true. She wanted them to already be married, for it to be done, so she wouldn't have to consider whether this was a bad idea after all.
"When I tell my family, do you mind me not mentioning you're an alien?" Yaz's voice cut into her thoughts.
"Hmm? Oh, probably best not to tell them. Not right away. It might have to come out eventually."
"Yeah, I just want their approval right now, and it's going to be hard enough with them not having met you, and you being…well, I haven't even come out to them. But my mum suspects. She even suspects I'm involved with you."
"Just tell them I'm a doctor. Parents like it when their children marry doctors, right?"
She smiled. "I think they'd be thrilled if I did."
"Don't worry, I'll get them a convincing backstory. I'll even make up a name."
"What name?"
"Well, I used to use 'John Smith' whenever I needed a human-sounding name, but that won't work now."
"So 'Jane Smith?'" Yaz pulled a face. "I'm not calling you Jane."
"Nobody's calling me Jane. I'm the Doctor." She looked around as she suddenly heard a light pitter-patter outside the gazebo. "Oh no, it's starting to rain! I'd better get you back inside before it becomes a downpour."
She wheeled Yaz as quickly as she could back through the winding garden path, though Yaz didn't seem put off by the light rain. Instead, she looked up with a smile, holding her hands out to feel the raindrops.
"I will never tire of feeling the rain on a new planet," she said, and the Doctor's hearts seemed to swell with love for her.
When they made it back to Yaz's room, they found Sister Ruby and Sister Emerald trying to hang something on the wall.
"Oh, you're back!" Sister Ruby yelped. "We were trying to get this up while you were out so it would be here to surprise you. Sister Emerald has finished your wedding portrait."
"Oh!" exclaimed Yaz in delight. "I can't wait to see it."
Satisfied that she had settled it properly on the wall, Sister Emerald stepped back with a humble smile. "I hope you both feel it does you justice."
The Doctor looked. The painting Sister Emerald had done was amazingly lifelike, depicting the two women under the traditional flower arch used for weddings here. Yaz was in her beautiful red blouse and skirt and her matching dupatta, all covered in gold beads. Her hair was pulled back with just a few curly strands left loose, a serene smile on her face as her big brown eyes looked straight at the viewer, filled with warmth and contentment and the promise of days to come. She was every bit the fresh-faced young bride, while the Doctor stood next to her in her tuxedo, not quite as fresh but no less hopeful. The Doctor thought she sensed a bit of triumph in her painted eyes, as if she had fought back against forces that wanted to prevent her happiness and had emerged victorious. She had her left arm around Yaz's shoulder and her right hand resting on Yaz's waist, and Yaz was covering each of the Doctor's hands with her own.
"It's beautiful," Yaz breathed. "Sister Emerald, this is perfect! The colours are so vivid, it looks almost like a photograph."
The Doctor swallowed. "You do have incredible vision," she told Sister Emerald.
"It is my pleasure to serve." Sister Emerald nodded demurely and left the room.
"Where will we hang it when we leave here?" Yaz asked.
"In our new master bedroom, I suppose. Over the fireplace."
"There's going to be a fireplace?"
"Yes, why not? They're romantic, aren't they?"
"Yes, very." Yaz grinned.
"Since you're able to sit up now, you can take a proper bath," Sister Ruby told Yaz. "I think a soak in hot water might take care of those scabs on your shoulder."
"I'd love that!" Yaz said. "That whirlpool tub looks nice. I think it would help all my strained muscles too."
"I'll get it ready for you," Sister Ruby said. "I'll be back to get you soon!" She bustled off to Yaz's private bathroom, and Yaz looked up at the Doctor.
"Well, would you like to comb your hair first?" the Doctor asked.
"Okay. But I think I'd rather you be the one with me when I'm in the bath."
"What, me?" The Doctor froze for a moment while carefully undoing Yaz's messy bun.
"Yes! I'd rather be naked in front of my wife than in front of a stranger."
"But I haven't actually seen you naked yet. We've talked about this."
Yaz tilted her head back to look at the Doctor. "We've gotten changed together in the TARDIS wardrobe."
"That was different! You weren't…completely naked." The Doctor picked up the comb and started gently working the tangles out of Yaz's long hair.
"Well, you're my wife now. You can see me naked."
"Does it count yet though, for us? If you don't remember the wedding? I don't think we'll be properly married until—"
"Yes, I know, until our bigger wedding. I don't think it will feel quite real to me until then either, but we're going to get married, and I trust you. I'd just rather you be the one with me for something like this." She furrowed her brow. "Doctor, I need you. I can't take a bath without help, and I'm asking, as your wife, for you to be the one to help me. Should I be worried that you're hesitating?"
"No. No, sweetheart. Anything you need, I'm here." The Doctor set the comb back down and walked around in front of Yaz, taking her hand. "I just…would you ask me to do this if we weren't married? If this had happened before, when we were still just friends?"
"That's an odd question, but I think so. Better you than someone I barely know. Not that I don't trust Sister Ruby, but it does get a little embarrassing having a near-stranger bathe you all the time. I'm getting more independent, having my first proper bath. It doesn't have to be a nurse who helps me."
The Doctor nodded. "Okay then."
Yaz let out her breath. "You had me worried. It's a bad sign, isn't it, when the person you marry doesn't want to help you when you need it?"
"Of course I want to, but it's a bit awkward, isn't it? An unconsummated marriage with someone who doesn't remember marrying you? I don't know what's okay to do and what's not."
"If I ask, it's okay," Yaz said quietly.
"If you're sure," said the Doctor. "I don't want you to regret anything if…if you change your mind about being married to me."
"Why would I?"
The Doctor swallowed. "You said you had doubts before."
"I just wanted you to be honest with me about everything, and you have been since then. As long as you can continue to be honest going forward, I don't have any doubts."
The Doctor nodded weakly. Tell her. Just tell her.
But then Sister Ruby emerged from the bathroom, announcing that the bath was prepared.
"Is it okay if the Doctor helps me in the bath?" Yaz asked.
"Well, I don't see why not if she's up for it. If you need me though, just ring."
"All right, now let's see if you really do have super strength like you told me," Yaz said as the Doctor wheeled her into the bathroom.
"I didn't say I had super strength. I just said Time Lords are stronger than humans."
"I am pretty sure you said super strength. But either way, can you lift me into that bathtub?"
"Course I can. First let's just, er, get you undressed." She awkwardly helped Yaz out of her dressing gown and the hospital shift underneath, studiously keeping her eyes on Yaz's face.
"Doctor," Yaz said when she was fully undressed, "you don't have to be so…I don't know what you're being, but I want you to look at me. You do fancy me, don't you?"
"Of course I do!"
"Then why won't you look at me? I want you to. I want you to…to think I'm…"
That was when it clicked: Yaz wanted what any young woman in love wanted. She wanted to be wanted.
And so, even though she still wasn't sure it was right, she stepped back and let herself take in Yaz's naked form.
"Yasmin Khan," she said softly. "You are so beautiful. You are absolutely exquisite."
Yaz broke into a grin. "Do you really think so?"
"I promise I do. You're amazing." She took her coat off and rolled up her sleeves. "Now, let's get you in the water. Arms around my neck; I'd never forgive myself if I dropped you."
Giggling, Yaz wrapped her arms around the Doctor's neck, and the Doctor slipped one arm under her knees while wrapping the other around her waist. Trying not to think too hard about the fact that there was, indeed, a stunningly gorgeous naked woman in her arms, she lifted Yaz from the chair and lowered her gently into the water.
"See? That weren't even difficult for me," she pointed out.
"All right, bighead," Yaz said with a grin.
"I have not got a big head!"
"You have! Every time you accomplish something, you have to make a big deal about it because you want me to be impressed." Her dimples popped as she smiled. "It's one of the things I love about you."
The Doctor couldn't resist planting a kiss on Yaz's good shoulder. Her skin was so soft, and the Doctor couldn't help the thoughts that ran through her mind. One day, she would kiss Yaz all over, would love her the way she deserved to be loved. If Yaz still wanted her to by then.
"There's room for you too," Yaz pointed out with a shy smile.
The Doctor smiled back but shook her head. "We're not ready for that. Our first time together…it needs to be just right, and there are some things that should wait. Just lie back and soak for now."
Yaz reluctantly relaxed into the water, everything below her neck disappearing beneath the bubbles.
"On top of a mountain would have been nice," she said softly. "For our first time. Except for that stupid bird."
"Maybe an indoor location would be better. I'll work on our new bedroom soon."
Yaz smiled mysteriously. "I hope you're worth the wait."
The Doctor felt herself blushing furiously. "Well, I…I've never had any complaints." She couldn't help it. She raised a single brow, giving Yaz a roguish smirk.
Yaz laughed. "Okay then, bighead. I can't wait to find out first-hand." She reached for one of the containers of soaking salts by the side of the tub, and for the first time, the Doctor noticed a small black mark on the palm of her hand, like smudged, faded ink.
"What is this?" she asked, taking Yaz's hand and looking closely at her palm. "Did you have something written on your hand?"
"Oh. That's from before." Yaz started to pull her hand back, but the Doctor was still trying to make out the faded letters.
"What does it mean? It looks like a code."
Yaz sighed, looking away. "It's an acronym for What Would The Doctor Do? I write it on my hand sometimes for when we're separated. When I'm not sure what to do, I try to think of what you would do."
"How long have you been doing that?"
"Since you were gone for ten months."
The Doctor took the soap and gently washed the ink the rest of the way off Yaz's palm. What would Yaz do? she mused. Not pretend to be married to the Doctor when she wasn't. "I think sometimes, what you choose to do is even better than what I'd have done."
"I doubt that. I write it on my hand at work, too. It helps me be braver."
"Yasmin Khan, you couldn't get any braver than you already are." The Doctor kissed her. "Would you like to hear a story while you relax in the water?"
"Yes, please!"
The Doctor found a chair and parked herself by the bathtub. "Well, have I told you about the time there were Yetis running around the London Underground?"
"Yetis are real?"
"They were robots. Controlled by something called the Great Intelligence."
"Oh. Yes, tell me the story!"
So the Doctor told the story and made it as interesting as possible, embellishing a few bits maybe just a little. When she finished telling it, she wiped Yaz's injured shoulder gently with a cloth and the scabs easily washed away, leaving bright pink skin underneath.
"I'd say your wounds are healed," the Doctor said triumphantly. "You'll definitely have scars, but they won't affect your beauty."
"Scars just prove you survived something, right?" Yaz said with a hopeful smile.
"Right." The Doctor stared into her pure brown eyes, shining with love and trust and hope. "I'm not sure I really deserve you," she admitted.
"Don't be ridiculous! I'm the one who should worry about that. If I'd known all my life that there was this person, this wonderful, impossible person travelling throughout time and space righting wrongs and saving civilizations…I think I'd have dreamed about you every night, wanting to be like you. I'd never have imagined getting to meet you, let alone travel with you and work by your side. In a million years, I couldn't have pictured being the person you love, the one you want to marry." She smiled again, that sweet, trusting smile that made the Doctor's hearts feel full to bursting. "I know the universe always has to be your top priority, but—"
"No Yaz, it isn't. You are, and you have been for some time. It's stupid and it's selfish and it's sentimental, but it's also the truth, and you might as well know it. Being with you, loving you, does compromise me, and I'm counting on you to keep me true to my purpose, because every star in the sky, every sun, every galaxy, is not worth more to me than you. That's the danger, you see, when the Doctor falls in love."
Yaz swallowed, but she nodded. "So as your wife, I have to keep you on task."
"Something like that." The Doctor hesitated. "I need to ask you about something, but I don't know if I can do it even if you'll let me."
Yaz frowned. "What do you mean?"
"I mean…if you do intend to marry me, for real this time, and spend the rest of your life with me…that's not very long, compared to my lifespan. It's not long at all. But I thought maybe…maybe there would be a way to make it longer."
Yaz's eyes widened. "That's why. That's why you want to know how Tecteun spliced your genes with hers! You want to do it to me!"
"Only if you want me to," the Doctor said quickly. "And even if you want me to, only if I can be one hundred percent certain I can do it safely. But…it would let us be together indefinitely."
"What would it do to me, exactly?"
"In the short run, probably just augment your lifespan. It could take you hundreds of years to grow old. You'd also become time sensitive, like me, and you'd develop telepathic abilities. But when you did grow old, or if you were fatally injured, you would regenerate into a new body instead of dying."
"Would I turn into a man?" she asked worriedly.
"Maybe, but a lot of Time Lords regenerate multiple times without ever changing gender. If I could unlock the code…well, perhaps I could see to it you never changed into a man. I knew some Time Lords who learned how to master the regeneration process, to control it and choose their next face, but I never quite managed that." The Doctor drew in her breath. "But even if I could do it – and that's still a big if – it would be asking a lot of you. I'd only do it for you. I'm not looking to create a new race of Time Lords, so your family would grow old and die, and you would live on. Everyone, everything you've ever known would be gone eventually. You'd meet new people, have them in your life for a while, and lose them again, over and over, and it would never become any less painful. I would be the only constant in your life. If you don't want that, if you just want to live a regular human lifespan, I completely understand. I'll still give you everything I have, be the person who is with you until the end."
Yaz looked at her curiously. "You don't get that though, do you? You never have. No one is there with you until the end. You have to watch us come and go, wither and die, and no one stays with you."
"Well, I have my box."
"It's not the same though." Yaz held the Doctor's eyes. "If I do this, you'll finally get to have someone who stays."
They looked at each other in silence for a moment. Finally, the Doctor spoke.
"I don't even know if it can be done. All I'm asking is if you want me to pursue this, to try to find out. And I don't think you should decide right now. Take some time to think about it, because you can't do it for me. It has to be what you want, and it's a very big decision."
But she could see in Yaz's eyes that she had already made her decision.
