Chapter 7
While Yaz was at her water therapy, the Doctor decided to go to the TARDIS and start working on their new bedroom. It was her first concrete step towards their future together, a sign that she was feeling more optimistic about this really happening.
She didn't want to set anything in stone until she'd run the plans by Yaz, but she played around with the dimensions, sketching as she went. For River she had designed an elaborate suite with a posh king bed, but she thought Yaz would be happier with something snug and cosy. A queen bed should do just fine, with an arched fireplace across from it, a mantle where they could put keepsakes, and of course, room to hang their wedding portrait above. She also needed a spot for Yaz's dressing table, with its trifold mirror that allowed her to see her hair from different angles (she did spend a lot of time on her hair, and the Doctor loved the intricate braids she did). The Doctor kept most of her own clothes folded in a wardrobe, but Yaz had a lot more, so she'd add a walk-in closet for her. And of course, they needed an attached bathroom. Yaz had seemed to like the idea of a whirlpool tub for two, so of course the Doctor would put one in, along with a rainwater shower and dimmable lights.
Her hearts melted at the final sketch. She could see herself spending so many happy hours here in between adventures, making love to Yaz, or just cuddling up with her, watching her sleep at night and fix her beautiful hair in the morning. And was it really possible that she might find a way to make Yaz live as long as her, that this might actually be the end of her solitary existence? She couldn't think of anyone she'd rather spend forever with than Yaz. She told herself it was reckless to even think about it when it was still so uncertain, but she couldn't help it. She was in love, and she was ready to break down every barrier and just share her life with Yaz.
Suddenly she realised it was about time for Yaz's therapy to be over. Gathering her sketches, she hurried back from the parking deck to Yaz's room. She found her intended sitting in front of the window in her wheelchair, hair pinned up, gazing out at the sunny afternoon.
"Hiya!" the Doctor said cheerfully. "So I've been working on sketches for our bedroom, because I figure that's the first thing we'll need ready when you get out of here, but I wanted you to look them over and tell me if you want anything changed before I actually program it all in."
She froze in her tracks when she realised Yaz was still facing the window. She hadn't moved a muscle, actually, and it was downright eerie.
"Yaz?" she said carefully. "Are you okay?"
Yaz turned the chair around to face her, and the Doctor's hearts instantly shattered into a million pieces. Tears were streaming down Yaz's face, and her eyes were filled with pain.
"There's no reason for me to look at them," she said, her voice shaking. "We're not married. It's not real."
"Oh, Yaz…" the Doctor dropped her sketches onto the foot of the bed and knelt before the woman she loved.
"I guess you tried to tell me," Yaz said, trying and failing to make her voice sound stronger. "You said you had to tell the hospital we were married so they would let you take charge of my care. You…you showed them a 'certificate' on the psychic paper, and then you were afraid to tell me the truth."
"Yaz, please listen." The Doctor tried to take Yaz's hand, but Yaz pulled it away.
"I understand," said Yaz, sniffling and wiping at her face. "You did it to help me, and you didn't know I would react like this." She shook her head, the tears coming faster. "I just feel so stupid."
"What do you have to feel stupid about?" the Doctor said, searching her pockets for a handkerchief and handing it to Yaz when she finally found one. "I'm the one who's been stuffing everything up."
"I feel stupid for believing you, for thinking this could be real. For telling you how I felt when I wasn't going to. I was never going to. I knew you'd never feel the same way back, and I didn't need you to. I was just happy to be near you. I was better off never thinking I could have more."
"But Yaz—"
"And you felt so bad, you thought you had to go along with it. You've been making yourself kiss me, pretending to plan a wedding, telling me you love me—"
"Yaz, I do love you."
"You don't have to keep pretending, Doctor. I won't tell the Sisters. I just can't do the fake relationship thing with you anymore." She tried to push back her chair, but there was nowhere to go.
"Will you please just listen?" The Doctor reached for Yaz's hand again, and this time Yaz let her take it, though she might have just been too exhausted to keep fighting.
The Doctor took a deep breath. "You're right. We're not married. We've never been to New Las Vegas, and before we came to this hospital, we had never kissed or said 'I love you.' I told the Sisters we were married so they would let me be in charge of your care. I was frantic for you to be treated, and it was the first thing that came into my mind."
"I know. I figured that out." Yaz looked down, the tears continuing to fall. The Doctor wanted so desperately to brush them away, but she restrained herself.
"But Yaz, it was the first thing that came into my mind because I wanted it to be true." The Doctor's voice broke as her own eyes filled with tears.
Yaz's eyes met the Doctor's uncertainly. "What do you mean?"
"We weren't climbing Mount Paz to spend our wedding night up there. We were climbing as friends. But the whole way up – until you were attacked, anyway – I was trying to decide if I should kiss you while we were sitting under the polar lights, because I really wanted to and it would have been romantic. I just didn't know if you would want me to."
Yaz's sniffles slowed down, but she didn't say anything. She seemed to be holding her breath, waiting for more. The Doctor stroked her fingers, noticing that she had put her favourite rings on today for the first time since the accident. On her left hand she wore one on her index finger, and another on her pinkie. The Doctor touched her bare ring finger, imagining the ring she would put there if Yaz would still let her.
"It's true that I made up our marriage in New Las Vegas for the sake of the hospital," the Doctor said, one of her own tears breaking free as she remembered how frightened she'd been with Yaz lying broken on the floor of the TARDIS. "I was planning to explain it to you as soon as you came out of surgery, but you fully believed we were married, and you were so happy about it. I couldn't ruin it for you. But Yasmin, everything else I have said is true. I wouldn't tell you about our non-existent ceremony because I didn't want to lie to you more. Everything else I was completely honest about. I am in love with you. I do want to marry you, in Sheffield, with your family there and Graham officiating. I meant every last one of those kisses, and I have never been happier than when you are sleeping in my arms."
Yaz sniffled. "Do you promise?" she whispered.
"I absolutely promise. Do you think I would have brought up the idea of trying to figure out how to make you like me if I didn't really want to live out my life with you? I'm offering to spend infinite lifetimes with you here."
A smile seemed to tug just a little on the corners of Yaz's mouth. "It would be going a bit far to offer all that if you were just trying to make the hospital think we're married."
"I want to really be married. Yaz, I can't believe how much I want it. I promised myself for years that I would never get this close to anyone again, but you've pulled me in, and I can't imagine my life without you anymore, and I would do anything to keep you with me." She looked down, another tear sliding down her face. "I was ready to take down all my defences and give you everything there is of me to give. But I understand if you don't want to be with me after I lied about being married. It just sort of took on a life of its own, and I didn't know what to do, except to love you the way I wanted to. The way you deserve to be loved."
Yaz was quiet for a full minute, and the Doctor was afraid to look at her. She just stared at Yaz's hand in hers, gently stroking it with her thumb, wondering if it was the last time she would get the honour of holding her hand. Finally, Yaz spoke.
"You can't just make a decision for me," she said levelly, her voice no longer shaking. "You can't just decide that we need to be married, so we are."
"No. You're right. I can't." The Doctor looked up at her, her eyes filled with regret. "I should have come up with something else. I'm so sorry, Yaz. I meant to help, and I hurt you instead."
"You can't just decide for yourself that we need to be married," Yaz repeated. "But you can ask me."
It took a moment for that to sink in. "Do you mean…"
Yaz lifted her eyebrows. "You're already on your knees."
The Doctor nodded her understanding. She took Yaz's hand in both of her own and lifted it to her lips. Then she looked up at Yaz, gazing into her big, shining brown eyes. They weren't filled with hurt anymore, but with cautious hope.
"Yasmin Khan," the Doctor said in a clear voice, "would you be so kind as to marry me for real, perhaps in Sheffield Botanical Gardens, and spend your life with me whether you live to be 90 or 9,000?"
Yaz's eyes seemed to shine brighter, and a dimple appeared. "I would love to marry you, and spend the rest of my life with you on the TARDIS, however long that ends up being. I love you, Doctor."
The Doctor broke into a relieved smile, and to her even greater relief, Yaz grinned back.
"I love you too, Yaz, and I have for such a long time," the Doctor said.
"I suppose you'd better kiss me then," Yaz said. The Doctor cupped Yaz's cheeks in her hands, wiped away her remaining tears with her thumbs, and gave her a long, slow kiss – what felt like their first true kiss.
"Right," said the Doctor, standing up when they broke apart. "Now we've got that taken care of, you'd better come take a look at these sketches, because we're going to need a bedroom."
"All right," said Yaz, her grin broadening. "Can we cuddle up in bed while we look at them?"
"Definitely." The Doctor scooped Yaz from her wheelchair and carried her across the room to the bed. "And you'd better decide what you want inscribed on the wedding ring you're giving me, because I'm going to forge them as soon as I've finished setting our bedroom up."
"I already know what I want to put on yours."
"What?"
Yaz picked up the pencil the Doctor had been sketching with and scrawled something at the bottom of the paper:
The best person I've ever met.
