Epilogue
Yaz curled up in her bunk, waiting for sleep to come. She didn't get seasick, as Dan had done in the early days. The gentle motion of the waves beneath the ship were soothing, if anything. But still, sleep did not come easily. Jericho's snoring in the bunk below hers didn't help. Knowing poor Dan was trying to sleep on the floor beneath Jericho's bunk didn't help much either. They could only afford one cabin, as they had no idea how long they would be here and had to make the money they had taken from the empty village stretch as far as possible. Someone had to be the stowaway. Jericho wouldn't hear of making a lady sleep on the floor, and Yaz wouldn't hear of making an elderly man sleep on the floor. And the truth was, Dan was too nice to make either sleep on the floor, even if he did grumble.
But neither of these was the reason Yaz couldn't sleep. No, sleep wouldn't come because her little bunk was so cold, her arms so empty. The Doctor's absence had haunted every moment of her existence for the past three years, but she never felt it more keenly than when she was alone in her bunk at night, trying to sleep without her wife's arms around her. It never got any easier. She tried to stay focused on the task the Doctor had given her, hoping that it would both save the future and reunite her with the Doctor, but with each passing day, the ache only seemed to intensify.
She ran her fingers over her wedding ring, feeling the engraved letters in circular Gallifreyan. My universe. Yaz was the Doctor's universe. How was the Doctor coping, wherever she was, without her universe?
At the thought, her tears began to flow again. "My love," she whispered, the pain suddenly becoming unbearable. "Oh, my love." Her body shuddered with silent sobs as she curled into a tighter ball. She needed her love. She needed her. How could she go on without her? How much longer could she endure this pain?
But she must. She had to. Wherever the Doctor was, whatever she was doing, Yaz knew she would be fighting her way back to her, and she had to be here when the Doctor finally made it. Assuming she did. Yaz shuddered as she thought of the last time she'd seen her wife, the fear and horror on the Doctor's face as those horrid Angels turned her into one of them. Yaz had been unable to get to her, locked in another time, unable to cross the barrier without being burnt to ash – and still, even knowing that, she had tried. Dan had saved her life by holding her back.
For what, though? Was the Doctor still stone? Would she ever turn back? Could she even feel anything? Was she frightened? In pain? Where had they taken her? What were they doing to her? Her breath came faster as she thought of people hurting the Doctor and not being there to defend her, not even having the first idea of how to find her. She did her best to keep her mind from straying to the worst-case scenario: that the Doctor was already dead, and she would never even know for sure. As long as there was breath in her body, she would keep waiting for the Doctor to come back to her. She would never, never, give up.
She thought bitterly of that time in her teenage years when the pain of existence had become so great that she had thought death would be preferable. This pain was so much more intense, and yet, death was not even a consideration. She was older and stronger now, she supposed, and she had the bittersweet advantage of knowing she was loved beyond measure. She had the hologram to remind her of that. She watched it every time she had a moment alone, even conversed with it so she could feel, just for a few minutes, like the Doctor was there with her. The Doctor had recorded it in secret, one last love letter where she explained Yaz's mission, expressed her concerns about them being separated, and reminded her how much she loved her. Yaz knew it was true: every cell of her body, every secret corner of her mind and heart, was infinitely precious to the Doctor, and she would care for herself with that in mind. She was the Doctor's universe. She had to be okay.
That hologram had become her lifeline, the only way to look at the Doctor, hear her voice. If she'd had her phone she could have paged through pictures, videos, and texts, played voicemails over and over. But she'd left that on the TARDIS after the Angel came out of it, and even if she hadn't, the battery would have died a long time ago. Yaz smiled wistfully through her tears, trying to remember the last time she had even charged her phone. She'd gotten used to going to the Doctor whenever her battery was low. The Doctor would zap it with her sonic and the battery would suddenly be 100% again. One time it had glitched and gone up to 113%, and the Doctor had advised her not to use it for a bit. Yaz supposed this was the point of leaving her a hologram: not only did it give her a life-sized, three-dimensional view of the Doctor, but it couldn't be hacked and never ran out of power.
Her mind often wandered back to their last night together, when the Doctor had saved them both from the Ravagers on the impossible planet of Time. After they had left Vinder on his decimated home planet and departed with their accidental companion Dan, everyone had been exhausted from the time storm, so much so that Dan had fallen asleep on a sofa in the lounge just off the console room. Yaz had showered as if she might wash off the feeling of Swarm's hands on her, and then she and the Doctor had curled up in bed, where the Doctor described what she had seen in her own time stream. She had mentioned at the time that she was afraid they'd be separated.
"The forces that are after me now are things I don't understand," she'd said helplessly. "I don't know how to fight them, and if I'm in danger, you're in danger." She shuddered. "Swarm said he had something of mine. He meant you."
"Well I'm not going back to Sheffield to stay safe. Whatever is coming for you, I'm here to help you fight it."
The Doctor shook her head. "If they want you, they'll find you anywhere. The safest place for you is by my side."
"Good, because I'm not leaving you."
"I know."
After that conversation, the two had made love as though it were the last chance they'd ever get, because both were afraid it might be. Afterwards they'd held each other close, skin to skin, Yaz losing herself in the Doctor's warmth.
"Whatever happens, if we do get separated, I need you to know I'll never give up on finding you again," the Doctor had promised her. "You are my love, my universe. I will search through time and space for a thousand years, for longer if I have to. I need you not to give up either."
"I never would. You're my wife," Yaz said simply. "And I may only have one heart, but I love you enough for two."
"I know." The Doctor had smiled then, a smile full of love and pain. "Get some sleep. We both need to be well-rested to face whatever is coming."
Yaz closed her eyes as she lay in the cold bunk, trying to remember what it felt like to be surrounded by the Doctor's warmth. It was starting to seem like a dream: those days when the Doctor had been at her side through endless adventures, those nights when they had made love for hours and then fallen asleep in each other's arms. She remembered what it was like to feel blissful, but all she could feel now was the searing pain in her chest.
She ran her fingers over her rings. On each index finger she wore a ring that looked like a heartbeat, one for each of the Doctor's hearts. She ran her fingers over the points and then she touched her wedding ring again.
"I can't keep going without you," she whispered, the tears still falling.
But she would, because she had to.
"You okay?" the Doctor asked, concern etching her features. Yaz had genuinely thought she was hallucinating when the Doctor had appeared out of thin air right in front of her in Joseph Williamson's mysterious tunnels, but moments later she had swept Yaz into her arms, proving she was very real.
"I am now," Yaz replied, feeling the tightness in her chest ease for the first time in nearly four years.
There was a certain kind of weariness that could only be cured by a long sleep in Yaz's arms. Sleep alone wasn't enough; it had to happen with her head resting on Yaz's chest, listening to her single heart beating soundly while Yaz held her close, gently stroking her hair. Without Yaz's calming presence, the palpable sense of her limitless love, the Doctor doubted she'd be able to rest properly. And Yaz seemed intent on clutching her as if she would never let go again. The Doctor was pained when she thought of the years Yaz had gone without her, the years of Yaz's life she had missed out on. Years they would never get back. She had missed Yaz desperately, and she hadn't even been gone that long. She hated to even think of the pain Yaz had experienced, though she could see it in her eyes.
She felt refreshed, physically at least, when she finally woke up. She was surprised to see Yaz still awake, just holding her and watching her.
"Did you get any sleep at all?" she asked, stretching before settling back into her wife's arms with her head tilted back to look at her face.
"I did," Yaz promised. "I just woke up before you, which is a first. I don't often get to watch you sleep." She ran her fingers through the Doctor's hair. "But I enjoyed it. It's nice to see you still for a change."
The Doctor sighed wearily. "I was afraid I wouldn't make it back to you. I was outside the universe! Your universe! And I was certain she was going to kill me. Then Swarm and Azure showed up and I knew I was dead. Only, I couldn't give up. I couldn't let our universe be destroyed, and I had to get back to you."
"And you did." Yaz touched her hair, smiling at her as if she could hardly believe she was seeing her. The Doctor noticed the dark circles under her eyes.
"You need more rest," she said, taking Yaz's hand and kissing it. "Maybe we should go back to our honeymoon island for a few days. Give us both time to relax."
"But there's so much to do," Yaz said tiredly. "The TARDIS is still damaged, and the universe, and that Ood is still at Division, and you've got to figure out what to do with your watch, and I'd like to check on Dan soon. He was my companion for almost four years; I can't just abandon him."
"I know, babe, but we've got a time machine. And we're not going to be much good to anyone unless we rest up and gather ourselves first." She kissed Yaz on the lips. "And I think me and you really need time together."
"We do," Yaz agreed softly, her hand cupping the Doctor's cheek. "But before we do anything else, will you make love to me? It's been so long, and I've tried to remember what it felt like, but…I can't anymore."
"Yes," the Doctor whispered. "Oh Yaz, you never even have to ask."
And they did make love to each other, not with the urgency of a few nights ago (to the Doctor – for Yaz it had been years), but slowly and gently. Yaz had grown unused to being touched and had to reacclimate. In many ways, it was like their first time all over again. Yaz had never cried before while making love, but this time she did, although she urged the Doctor to keep going.
"I was just so afraid I would never feel this loved again," she whispered, and then the Doctor cried too.
Yaz cried again when they arrived at their beloved honeymoon beach. The Doctor knew she had a lot of pent-up emotions to let out, so she just stood with her.
"We've missed so many anniversaries," Yaz said, tears rolling down her face. "Every time the date of our wedding came around, I'd lock myself in whatever room we were staying in and watch your hologram over and over. We should have been celebrating, but instead I was grieving."
"Then we celebrate now." The Doctor took her hands and kissed her. "When you're time travellers, every day has to be your anniversary. Every day, I am so grateful I married you, that you wanted to marry me."
Yaz smiled a little. "The joy is worth the pain," she said softly.
"Oh, Yaz." The Doctor gathered her in her arms, holding her so closely there was no space between them. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that pain."
"You're worth it." Yaz heaved a sigh, her arms tight around the Doctor. "You were right to bring me here. I need to just soak you up for a while."
"Me too." The Doctor kissed the side of Yaz's head. "My universe."
"My love." Yaz tilted her head back and kissed the Doctor's lips. The Doctor found herself flashing back to their wedding, to that moment when they kissed in front of their favourite people, and she realised she was thinking about it because Yaz was thinking about it. Yaz had projected her thoughts, and the Doctor had picked up on them. Their bond was only growing stronger.
They spent several days on their peaceful little island, just enjoying each other's presence. It horrified the Doctor that Yaz had gone nearly four years without being told, as she should be told on a daily basis, how absolutely beautiful and amazing and loved she was, so she did her best to make up for lost time. Finding the pad of green paper intact in the bedroom, she also resumed their love note writing routine, folding notes into different shapes and leaving them in different places for Yaz to find, knowing later she'd discover a sweet response in her pocket or pillowcase. Yaz's sweet smile returned, and her belly laugh – treasures the Doctor appreciated more than ever now.
She left the fob watch in the TARDIS where she didn't have to hear its whispering, but she told Yaz more about it while they sat together on the beach, and all the details about everything that had happened at Division with Tecteun and Swarm and Azure. Yaz told stories from her own adventures travelling the world with Dan and Jericho, and while she tried to sound modest, it was obvious to the Doctor that Yaz had been a pretty badass leader during these adventures. She couldn't help feeling proud of her wife, and quite awed. She was beginning to question whether she'd been correct to call Yaz her equal. She could do almost as much without a TARDIS as the Doctor could do with one. If anyone was superior, it was the unbreakable Yasmin Khan.
They also spent time playing in the waves, lying in the sun, and of course, making love – both on the beach and in their bed. It wasn't quite a second honeymoon, but it was time to reconnect and feel like a married couple again.
The day came, though, when they knew it was time to move on and tackle the rest of their giant to-do list. Back on the TARDIS, the Doctor finally showed the fob watch to Yaz.
"What are you going to do with it?" Yaz asked her.
The Doctor pressed her lips together. "I've been fighting for so long to find what's been hidden for me, maybe too hard. This is what I wanted. All my lost memories are in here."
"But?"
"Now they're within my reach, I'm not sure I'm ready to look at them. Maybe I never will be."
Yaz nodded as if she weren't at all surprised. "It sounds like you were horrifically abused as a child by the woman who made you call her 'Mother.' If you get the memories back, you're going to have to live with that trauma again. It could be a lot to take in all at once."
The Doctor swallowed. "And it appears the trauma didn't end there. I might have even inflicted some myself while under Tecteun's influence. To have all that come back at once…it might be overwhelming. Devastating. And it would take my focus off you at a time when you're exactly who I want to be focused on." She looked Yaz in the eye. "I can find out who I was, or I can just be who I am now. Right now I'm your wife, and that means everything to me. How could I want more? How could I take on anything that might take my mind off you?"
"So don't open it right now," Yaz said. "But keep it. You might want to someday."
"That's what I was thinking," the Doctor agreed. "I just wanted to talk it through with my wife first."
So she gave the watch to the TARDIS, asking her to keep it hidden unless she asked for it. And then she breathed a sigh of relief. It felt good, actually, to let go of her past for now. It freed her up to focus on the very important present.
"Doctor," Yaz said uncertainly, "do you think there's still a chance you can find a way to make me into a Time Lord? Even with Tecteun gone and no access to your memories?"
The Doctor turned around. "Did you think I was throwing away my best chance at spending my life with you?"
Yaz shrugged. "If it's too painful for you, then I don't want you to do it."
"Yasmin Khan, I would go through any type of pain if it meant I could keep you with me longer. The question is, do you still want it?"
Yaz nodded. "More than ever. If I ever get separated from you again…I don't want it to be such a big deal, in the grand scheme of things."
"And you don't mind that I will be the only person you get to keep in your life? That everyone else will be around for a while and then gone forever, and you'll spend your life missing them? Because I don't plan on doing this for anyone other than you."
"I know it will hurt, but I think it will be worth it." Yaz looked at her, eyes wide with pain. "Doctor, you've been living with this for thousands of years, loving people and then losing them and then forcing yourself to move on. I just want to be the one person you never have to lose, and in return, you can be that for me."
The Doctor tried and failed to keep a tear from falling. "Yaz, it would mean so much if I never had to lose you. I love you so much."
"And I love you, so much that I want to be practically immortal with you." Yaz pulled the Doctor into her arms and kissed her tenderly. "So we don't need the watch to figure it out?"
"No, I don't think so. If we decide we do, I can always get it back. You could retrieve it too, you know. Only I can access my memories, but you could still get the watch."
"No I can't. You told the TARDIS to hide it where you can never find it unless you ask for it."
"Yes, because it's mine. But everything that's mine is also yours. I took a vow. 'With all my material goods, I thee endow.'"
Yaz frowned. "But the TARDIS doesn't know that. She wasn't at our wedding."
"No, but I'm psychically linked to her. She knows what I do even when she's not with me." She turned to the console and switched on the monitor. "Show me the wedding of Yasmin Khan," she said, and suddenly there it was on screen, a Time Lord wearing a tuxedo and a look of amazed disbelief facing a beautiful young woman adorned in a red and gold, their hands tied together with rainbow ribbon as they took their vows before their dearest friends and family. The Doctor realised, as she watched, that Yaz was looking at her with forever in her eyes, while the Doctor just looked back at her with love and amazement. She had felt overwhelmed just knowing that Yaz was willing to give her life to her, but she'd never thought she would be able to give her life to Yaz. She hadn't let herself believe in forever.
Yaz stepped closer to the monitor, entranced. "But how does the TARDIS have video from our wedding? Nobody took a video except my dad on his iPad, and his video definitely didn't look this good."
"It's not a video," the Doctor said, walking up alongside Yaz and taking her hand. "It's Venderman's Law."
"What?"
"Basically, everything that happens anywhere in the universe continues to exist as light particles in the Time Vortex and can be reconstructed electronically. The TARDIS can reconstruct anything I've done."
"And she can show me too, since what's yours is mine now."
The Doctor narrowed her eyes. "I'd be very careful with wielding that power if I were you."
Yaz chuckled. "I won't look at anything you don't want me to. But do you think you could use Whatsit's Law to reconstruct whatever Tecteun did?"
The Doctor shook her head. "I already tried. It found nothing. Of course, anything she did outside of the universe would be unreachable, but it's like she found a way to remove or erase any light particles left over from her life or mine."
"Is that even possible?"
The Doctor heaved a sigh. "Tecteun did a lot of things that should have been impossible, and now I can't even ask her any questions. Not that she was likely to give up any answers."
"So, we still have no idea how she made herself into a Time Lord, or how to do it to me."
"No." The Doctor squeezed Yaz's hand. "But I think I know how to find out."
Yaz looked at her in surprise, and then a smile spread across her face. The Doctor smirked, raising her eyebrows a little.
"You ready for our next adventure?" she asked.
Yaz grinned. "Always."
Yaz opened her eyes when she heard the Doctor come into the bedroom. She was curled up under the blankets on her side of the bed, dozing off and on as a fire crackled lazily in the hearth. She smiled when she saw the Doctor at her bedside holding a mug in one hand and a package of Custard Creams in the other, concern in her eyes.
"Hey," she said, seeing Yaz was awake. "I brought tea. And biscuits."
"Thank you." Yaz pushed herself into a sitting position and took the mug, gratefully sipping the hot tea. It was exactly the way she liked it, of course. The Doctor always remembered.
"How are you feeling?" the Doctor asked, taking a biscuit out of the package and handing it to Yaz.
"I feel all right. My energy's just zapped." Yaz dunked the biscuit in her tea and tenderly took a bite.
"That's not surprising. Your body is changing at the cellular level; that's going to take a lot of energy." The Doctor walked around to her side of the bed and sat down, moving aside the books Yaz had been reading, books they'd pilfered from Division. That had been a frightening trip, one the TARDIS had greatly resisted making. The place had given Yaz the creeps in more ways than she could understand, but they had managed to find invaluable scientific equipment and information, and they'd also taken a very nice Ood back to a home planet it hadn't expected to see again. Studying the information, the Doctor had figured out exactly how to splice her DNA with Yaz's to produce the desired result, though she'd refused to act until she also figured out how to reverse the process.
"I don't mind. It's just a chance to rest and read, and have you bring me things." She smiled. Sometimes it was nice to be pampered a little.
"Your latest blood sample looks good. More than half your cells have the third strand of DNA now."
"That's good. I'll be feeling more energetic soon, then, once the process has finished?"
"More than ever, if this works right. Which it should. Though I'll feel better when it's done and I can stop feeling like I'm performing a big science experiment on you, like Tecteun."
"You're nothing like Tecteun. You're not doing this for selfish reasons or just to see what will happen. You're doing it for love, and with my full informed consent."
The Doctor nodded. "That's what I keep reminding myself of. If you weren't in here resting while your DNA changes, one day you'd be lying in here dying of old age, and there would be nothing I could do." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I can't bear that thought."
Yaz reached for her hand and clasped it. "You said you wished this would go on forever. I want that too."
The Doctor opened her eyes and smiled at her. "So have you been enjoying your reading material?"
"Since you put the app on my phone that translates Gallifreyan, yes. Although I think a few things may have gotten lost in translation."
"But overall, it makes sense?"
"Yes, and of course I'm going to keep working on learning Gallifreyan. Looks like I'll have plenty of time anyway."
"Yes, you should. I like teaching you. You're a quick study, you know. You don't even need that much time. And as you become more time sensitive, flying the TARDIS will become more intuitive, so you'll be ready for solo flights in no time. Not that I plan on sending you off on your own, but there might be times when it will be useful for you to be the one at the controls."
"Still, since you reset her, she flies much more smoothly with us working together, doesn't she?"
The Doctor grinned. "Yeah. We make a great team. So what have you learned?"
"Well, I learned that anyone can control their regenerations if they want to. First of all, you can't fight it. You have to set your intentions before the process really starts."
The Doctor pulled a face. "Well, that's one way I've been going wrong. I usually resist it as long as I can and then spend my last moments giving myself a speech about how much I loved the regeneration that's dying."
Yaz couldn't help chuckling. "Well, you're going to have to stop doing that. You have to concentrate on who you want to become instead of clinging to who you've been."
The Doctor frowned. "You know, last time I sort of did do that. I'd put off regenerating for a ridiculously long time, said I wasn't even going to do it, but then I realised it was better to go on at least once more, and I actually thought about who I wanted to become."
"And did you? Become who you wanted?"
"Yes. I'm exactly who I wanted to be. I didn't have a specific face in mind, but… well I did get a cute one, didn't I?" She grinned.
"Yes, of course," Yaz laughed. "You can pick your new face, your new body, if you concentrate throughout the process. You can even try more than one on. Copying something you've already seen makes it easier, as long as it's not someone you expect to bump into again. I could look like you, or you could look like me."
The Doctor wrinkled her nose. "I'd rather look at you though."
"Oh really? I thought you had such a crush on yourself."
"A crush! I'm in love with you!"
Yaz laughed. "Well, anyway, apparently it was frowned upon in Time Lord society, but you can also copy your own face. Meaning, you can let your body rewrite itself and end up with a fresh version of the body you already have."
The Doctor swivelled her head to look at her. "So we could both stay like this? Always?"
"There are some drawbacks, of course, but yes. Or change and then change back the next time. It's been done."
The Doctor pondered that. "I think I need to read this book." She gazed into Yaz's eyes. "I'll love you the same whatever face you have, you know. As long as it's yours, it'll be beautiful to me."
"I know. But you have invested a lot of time in telling me what you love about this one."
"Everything," they said at the same time, then laughed.
"I would never, ever get tired of looking at this face," the Doctor said, stroking Yaz's cheek. "But your heart is what I really love. And you'll have two, after your first regeneration."
"I have more selfish reasons for wanting to keep this face," Yaz said. "I can see traces of my family in it. I can see my Pakistani heritage, which is still important to me, even if I am giving up my humanity."
"Oh no, Yaz, you're not giving anything up. You're just gaining something. You were born human, and you always will be human. It's just not all you are anymore."
Yaz set her mug down on the bedside table. "I just want to keep this bit of my old life, so when everything else is a distant memory, I can still see it in the mirror. But I know I might feel differently when my time comes."
"Which hopefully won't be for hundreds of years."
"That's so weird to think about. But it's good to know our options, isn't it? Regeneration doesn't have to be a lottery."
"No." The Doctor smiled. "And if nothing else, we can make sure we're still women. I know you'd love me anyway, but…I think our sex life would suffer."
Yaz made a face. "I'd rather not lose what we have."
"What we have is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. We're keeping it." She swiped a strand of hair out of Yaz's face. "I bet your first regeneration will go perfectly. You're so disciplined."
"Can you learn a little discipline, for me?"
"Of course I can." The Doctor kissed her. "I love you so much."
"I love you too. I'm happy to be doing this, even if it is new and frightening."
"Can I try something?" the Doctor asked.
"Sure."
The Doctor reached towards Yaz's head, then withdrew her hand and closed her eyes. "Contact," she murmured.
And Yaz felt it, like someone knocking at the door of her brain. She closed her eyes. "Contact," she repeated.
Can you hear me? said the Doctor's voice inside her head.
Yaz opened her mouth, then remembered she didn't need it. Yes. I can hear you, Doctor!
Brilliant! Do you realise what this means?
I'm getting Time Lord abilities already?
Yes, but it also means we can contact each other like this from a distance, and we can use it to find each other's locations. If we get separated in the same time zone, I'll have a way to locate you!
That is brilliant. Yaz opened her eyes and felt the connection breaking.
The Doctor opened her eyes too and studied Yaz. "I'm not sure I've ever been quite this intimate with another person," she admitted. "We're connected on so many levels, and now it's getting to be…more."
"And time is finally on our side."
"That's because I'm the Lord of Time and I made it be on our side." Something flashed in the Doctor's eyes, but then they softened. "Now we'll both be Lords of Time."
"As long as it's with you, I'm game." Yaz snuggled up against the Doctor. "I know it's risky, what we're doing, but it's absolutely worth it to me. I love you enough to spend as many lifetimes with you as I can."
"Good, because I'm not sure I can learn to live without you again. I need you, Yasmin Khan. When my soul met yours…something happened." She stroked Yaz's hair. "Anyway, I think I'm doing a service to the entire universe. Me and you, we're an unbeatable team. You'll always keep me on the right path. I never, ever want to live in a universe without you. I think the universe needs you in it."
Yaz kissed the Doctor's cheek and settled into her arms. "I'll always be by your side," she promised the Doctor. "After all, we're married."
"You're my forever," the Doctor said softly. "My beautiful, wonderful, faithful forever."
